99 Problems
by HyperFitched
Summary: Katie and Effy form an unexpected friendship whilst on tour with a travelling circus.  As the bond between them grows deeper, and they find new strength in one another, will it lead to something more? A companion piece to 'I Hold A Force I Can't Contain.'
1. 1 A Place To Rest

**A/N So here is the start of my new story, which starts partway through the summer of 'I Hold A Force I Can't Contain' and will continue a little way into the future. It tells the story through the eyes of Katie Fucking Fitch and The Beautiful Bomb. I hope I can do them justice.**

**HyperFitched xx**

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1. A Place To Rest

Effy

"Right then, Crazy Effy," said the boy called Cook. "Fancy a spliff?"

I felt my face breaking out into a genuine smile for the first time in months. He had obviously just been given the third degree by my mother about what not to do with me, now that she was releasing me into his care, and seemed deliberately intent on instantly flouting as much of it as possible. It was refreshing. Anthea loved me without question, but she was always over cautious, not that I can blame her. Cook was her polar opposite, reckless and never one to play by the rules. The kind of boy I would have fucked in a heartbeat when I was younger. Not because I wanted the bad boys, not because I wanted the danger, but because it was safer. Safer to let myself feel the rush, without falling, without ever really letting go. Bad things happen when I let go.

Bad things happen for Cook too. I can see straight past his cocky exterior to the self-loathing he has tried to drown with sex and booze and drugs. I can see it, because I know it, the use of hedonistic excess just to make things seem normal. He doesn't think he is worth anything. He doesn't think he is worth anything without her. But Cook is OK, because he has his anchor. A tall blonde blue-eyed anchor called Naomi, who picks him up and dusts him down and guides him back towards the light. Halfway between a sister and a mother, she sees the best in him and tolerates the worst in him, and you know she won't ever let him get lost again.

I don't have an anchor. Anthea tries her hardest. She tries to hold me steady, but sometimes the storm gets too strong for her and I am ripped away from her hands again.

We don't exactly have a stellar history of stability in our family. My brother Tony's brain was damaged when he got hit by a bus. He couldn't read or write or even go for a piss by himself, and for a while he seemed to forget who he was. Anthea became depressed and spent all her time sleeping or whacked out on meds she'd stolen from my brother. She got so low she fucked my Dad's boss and destroyed her marriage, just to make herself feel like a woman again. I hated her for that, for being weak, for being human. I needed her to be superhuman, cause I was hanging on by a fucking thread. I used to think she didn't care, that she didn't love me enough, but now I know the opposite was true. She loved me too much, but somehow she could sense what was coming and it scared the fuck out of her. Somehow she had always known. The distance she kept was because she was living a nightmare. She was scared of me. She was scared of her own daughter.

She was right to be. Never one to be outdone, I trumped both my mother and my brother with a full on psychotic breakdown when I was seventeen. Hallucinations, paranoid delusions, hearing voices, the whole fucking loony tunes repertoire. I ended up in hospital after trying to commit suicide, and I've been trying to find my way back ever since. Tony got better. He learnt everything again from scratch, went off to uni and got a first class degree, and now he has a good job, a great flat, and a flashy car. Anthea got better. She pulled it together, restarted the career she had abandoned to look after her children, directing experimental theatre and contemporary circus, and she's made a real name for herself. I didn't get better. Often I can seem fine, if a little strange, and I no longer want to kill myself every day, but it's an illusion. I'm stuck on medication and I'm still fucking lost. I have no anchor, and if the storm wants to take me, there's nothing I can do to stop it. I've been drifting in and out of life, trying to find some meaning, some reason for existing. I can't keep a job. I find it hard to make new friends. And I never know when my hands are going to slip from their tenuous grip on reality and leave me to the mercy of the storm again.

I've never felt like I belonged. When I was a child I used to read stories of the changelings brought by the fairies to replace the human children that they had stolen, and convinced myself I was one. That's what I would tell myself when I found my mother staring at me. She did it all the time. When I was playing, when I was sleeping, as if she was trying to fathom what I really was. It didn't get any easier, I thought I would find my place as I grew up, became independent, made my own friends and my own life, but it never happened. I still felt disconnected, and continually launched myself into new experiences, wondering if this was the one that would make me feel. I started smoking at ten, drinking when I was twelve, had my first pill at thirteen and my first fuck at fourteen. I would stay out all night, taking ridiculous risks, seeking thrills and taking any substance I could get my hands on to blot out the emptiness. Yet still I managed to keep up my front. Effy the super cool, Effy the mysterious. Effy the fucking dark princess. Everyone wanted a piece of me, but what they didn't realise was that there wasn't anything to take. I existed outside of their world. I could see fucking everything, but I couldn't touch anything. Everyone wanted what they thought was me, but nobody really wanted me. Nobody knew me. Nobody bothered to really look. There was nowhere to rest, nowhere that felt like home.

Until I came here. These people. This tent. The doctors always try to get you to make a safe space in your mind. Somewhere you can go to if things start to get hairy. But how are you supposed to do that when you've never felt safe, when you've been on the run the whole of your fucking life? At first I thought that this job was just going to be like any of the other projects that Anthea dragged me along to, whenever she thought I was too vulnerable to be left alone. I didn't resent her for our transient existence. Going to different rehearsal studios in different towns with different people was stimulating enough to keep me interested. Even though I never felt connected to them, I would never tire of watching people. When you look in from the outside, you see so much more. Their fears, their aspirations, the stupid little games they play with each other cause they're too scared to tell the truth. Each new group was like a fresh little plaything for me, as if delving into their secrets kept me occupied long enough to stop my own from overwhelming me.

But something about this group was different. Something was pulling me closer to them than to any other collection of individuals I had met since I went mental. At first they just thought I was a bit weird. People do. I hardly ever speak, unless I've got something important to say. I almost never get involved, barely show any emotion. But whereas I used to brash it out, make out that I was so fucking cool and fascinating, now it's all too easy for people to sense the fear. I'm constantly teetering on the edge of the abyss, wondering if the next moment will be the one in which I lose my balance. Anthea never tells people the truth about what's wrong with me unless she has to. She doesn't want people judging me. But then I had a major freak out in the middle of one of their rehearsals, just when they had started to accept me and the truth was thrown in their faces for all of them to see. Effy is not cool, or mysterious or glamorously distant. Effy is a fucking fruitcake.

Paradoxically, this information didn't seem to phase them in the slightest. In fact once they knew, they seemed to become more open, more accepting of the freaky stranger in their midst. But that's what fuels my fascination. They are all misfits in their own way, at odds with what society expects from them. A bunch of freaks. Making a circus. It's kind of adorable.

They all cluster round her of course. Naomi, the anchor. So forceful, so intelligent, so bright. She gathers the lost souls around her and gives them light and purpose, drives them on to be better than they could be without her. She is astonishing, although she doesn't seem to realise it, but her strength masks a terrible vulnerability that she tries to conceal with her professionalism. A fear she will have to face if she ever wants to find true happiness. Naomi can't be my anchor, she has her own storm coming. A beautiful tornado that it is going to take all of her resources to manage.

But at least she has thrown me a lifeline. I never expected them to let me stay after my episode that day, freaking out and seeing shit, and mumbling away to myself, unable to draw the distinction between their perceived reality and the fucked up garbage that resonates in my head. I mean who wants some crazy chick gibbering away in the corner when you're trying to work? But Naomi and her tribe refused to let Anthea send me home, and immediately launched on their collective mission to include me. For the first time in years, I didn't feel like I was a burden that only Anthea and Tony could bear. Pandora looked after me for the rest of that day, jabbering happily away to me as if seeing demons in your head of a Thursday afternoon was nothing out of the ordinary. Thomas continued to involve me in his work, and treated me as a respected colleague. All of them in fact, just accepted it and carried on, taking care to avoid anything that could upset me, but never once making me feel guilty for being different from them.

All except for one. My Nemesis, Katie Fitch. Katie was the one who triggered my attack that day. Katie is fucking terrifying. A nuclear reactor at critical mass, scorchingly dangerous and liable to explode at any second. She yelled at me and in that instant my brain had transformed her from a pissed off young woman into a messenger from the heavens. Whatever words she had been screaming in my face, were just a blur in my ears, but their inner counterparts were tearing through my body like daggers, causing me physical pain. She was glorious, surrounded by white fire as she gleefully delivered her message. I wasn't good enough, I didn't belong here. I was worthless, I was nothing. I should just fucking disappear before the rest of them found out. I couldn't stay here; the only place I belonged was hell. I spiralled away from her, feeling myself shrinking in stature as I went. She was like a giant and I was helpless in the force of her fury. I tried to protect myself, covered myself with my hands, told myself I wasn't listening, that I couldn't hear the terrible truth, but the noise in my head was deafening. I could feel myself falling away, the familiar pull of the storm threatening to batter me into submission. I was going down, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me.

But something did stop me. Somehow I allowed Anthea to pull me back from the brink. I was scared and confused, but for some reason I had managed to hang on, and I've been trying ever since to work out why.

It all comes back to Katie Fitch. It always comes back to Katie Fucking Fitch. For the rest of that week she could barely look at me. Through the fog of my fear I thought it was because I repulsed her, that in her reality too she thought I didn't belong. But as I pulled myself back from the storm, I began to regain the perceptive skills that set me apart from my peers. I began to watch her relentlessly, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't be watching back and what I saw was another truth entirely.

Katie is the one who doesn't think she belongs here. It wasn't her choice to come here; she was dragged here in the wake of her sister Emily's passion, much like me with Anthea. Behind her front and her fury boils a sea of insecurities. Katie has always arranged the world to her liking, the force of her has always been enough to control the lesser beings that flocked around her. In the land that has always been foreign to me, that strange land called normality, Katie was queen. But something hurt her there and she fled to a place where she is no longer in control. She feels threatened by Naomi's intelligence and Cook's strength. She feels intimidated by Pandora, JJ and Thomas whose otherness she doesn't understand. But worst of all, she is shocked to find herself somewhere where Emily outshines her, where Emily is queen, and she is struggling to deal with it. Katie has never experienced what I have felt my whole life, the sense of herself as other.

All of this I have come to learn since the incident, as I pulled myself back into the world in an uncharacteristic show of willpower. Back then all I saw was the force of her - primal, unstoppable, spitting fire. Even though she terrified me, I was mesmerised by the raw beauty of her. Like standing on the edge of an erupting volcano, knowing you should run, but too entranced by the deadly fires to move. To die like that, seeing beauty that no-one else could see. To die like that, burning in the fires of Katie Fitch would be a glorious way to die.

I now know why I came back that day. Why I didn't let myself slip away into the gloom. For her. Somewhere in the cacophony of voices, my own spirit spoke louder than them for the first time in years. I came back because I wanted to show her that the things they had told her were wrong. I was worth something. It was possible for me to belong. I wanted her to find out for herself that I could matter, that I was worthy of being loved.

Back on my feet, I am at a loss to explain why I would need to prove those things to Katie, when I haven't believed them myself for so long. Anthea loves me because she has to; I am hers in a way I cannot be with any other. But today I watched them fight for me when I asked Anthea to let me stay. All of them, Naomi's tribe. Here, in this space she has made into a refuge for them all. I love the tent. Its entire purpose is to defy normality. It is a temple to extraordinary things, and extraordinary people. Over the course of the three weeks we have been rehearsing here, I have sat, and watched and photographed the tribe. They work so hard, and they have so much belief, that before I knew it I found myself inextricably attached to them. I found my spot on the seating bank where I could watch without interruption, where I could see everything. I became a part of their furniture, part of the tent itself. And they accepted me as if I was always meant to be here. They weren't just being kind when they included my photographs; they actually wanted what I had to give. For the first time ever, I felt like I had something to give them. If I could nurture this feeling, maybe I would get strong enough to beat the storm. When Anthea brought up the prospect of us leaving, I found myself the subject of a sudden violent surge of emotion. I didn't want to go. This was my chance to become whole again, I couldn't let it go.

Anthea saw it too, and despite her fears for me, she did the bravest thing a mother can do for a child. She let me go. So when Cook offered me a spliff, even though it made me laugh, I knew I owed it to her not to take the easy path. Tonight was going to be hard, all of my new friends were headed for a party where they were finally going to be able to release all of the tension of the last six weeks in one massive blowout. I knew Emily's girlfriend had supplied us with a huge stash of every drug imaginable. I was going to have to be strong. I just hoped I could be strong enough.

Just at that moment I felt a small hand enclose my own, and a strong voice cut through the air.

"Don't be such a tit, Cook."

I was too stunned to resist as she led me away from temptation. Katie Fucking Fitch. Half an hour earlier I had heard her make a promise to keep me safe. It seems that she meant to stand by it. She dragged me back to my favourite place on the seating bank and sat me down. For the first time since the incident, she looked me squarely in the eye.

"I'm not going to let you go back there," she said.

And I believed her. For her I could be strong enough. If Katie had my back, then maybe it really was possible to find the things I had ached for for so long. Somewhere to belong. Somewhere I could call home. A place to rest.


	2. 2 What Other Reason Do You Need?

**A/N I've just got home from five months on tour, and I should be sorting my shit out, but I decided to do this instead. I know it was bad of me to tease you with an opener, and then disappear for a while, but we had tent down, and lots of emotional goodbyes to contend with. Also the end of tour party which was, shall we say 'eventful'. It was just the drugs, honest guv….**

**I don't own Skins, but I do own my love for Katie Fitch, and I've decided to share it with you. Enjoy xx**

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2. What Other Reason Do You Need?

Katie

She was staring at me again. I know she stares at everyone and it doesn't make me any kind of special, but it was still putting me off. It's a party for fuck's sake, how am I supposed to enjoy myself with Effy Stonem and her fucking laser beam eyes boring their way into my back? It's taken me so long to finally feel at home at this circus, there were times when I seriously didn't think I was going to make it this far. It's only been in the last couple of days when we started performing the show that I finally got it. I finally stopped feeling like such a fish out of water, and understood that I was part of something. Part of something good. That all that screaming applause was for me as well.

I love applause. I've always loved being the centre of attention, having all eyes turn on me. When Ems and I discovered performing it was a fucking dream come true. She had done it before with her shitty punk band, but for me it was a new and beautiful experience. Feeling the warmth and adoration of hundreds of people washing over you is the best fucking drug in the world, confirming what I had thought ever since I was a girl. I'm Katie Fitch, I'm special.

You'd think that applause is just applause, yeah? But it's not. These past two days it had been different. Fiercer, more intense, more heartfelt. I could feel it, cause I'm a fucking expert in applause. And in that moment I knew that it wasn't because Katie Fitch is a fucking princess, it was because between us we'd made something bigger than our individual selves. Even when I performed with Emily, I used to think it was all me, and she was just there to back me up, but I couldn't fool myself like that any more. Here I was nothing special, I was just some girl who'd rocked up in her sister's orbit. Emily found her feet immediately. I was shocked at how easily she became the centre of attention. Cook clearly had a massive crush on her. The piece she created with Naomi was one of the best things I'd ever seen, and I was fucking jealous that she'd done it without me. Anthea, our director thought the sun shone out of her arse. Everything was Little Red this and Little Red that. But the worst thing was, I couldn't even let myself get angry about it, because I'd never seen her look so happy.

I, on the other hand was struggling so much I sometimes found it hard to breathe. It wasn't that hard to hide it from her, she was so swept up in the excitement of this new life, she barely had time to notice my fragile emotional state. Of course being Emily, she did make the effort to check up on me from time to time. Being a much sweeter person than me, and as I've finally realised, a much better person than me, she would always try to find some sister time, but I could tell her heart and mind were racing away with her and I could easily divert her attention. But I was fucking floundering, and I didn't know what to do with it. My boyfriend Brian had dumped me. Me, Katie Fitch had been dumped. That just doesn't fucking happen. It's always been the other way round. He said I was too domineering and aggressive or some such shit. What the fuck's all that about? Just because I'm a strong modern woman who doesn't let anyone walk all over her, I'm supposed to be some kind of bitch? Stupid cunt. So he replaced me with some little blonde doormat. Some little girlie twatfaced cunt with childbearing hips and…Shit, don't go there Katie.

Thing was I actually did fucking love him, not like the others who were just there to serve a purpose. For a while I had deluded myself into believing we actually had a future, that I could trust him with my secret. Ok, so maybe it was always going to be a bit fucked up. I kinda tricked him into going out with me, getting my sister to seduce his girlfriend, Annabelle, so I could pick up the heartbroken pieces. Maybe it was never the dream relationship my mind had tricked me into believing it was, but it still hurt. God, did it fucking hurt. Still, at least someone got something out of it. Annabelle has well discovered the power of the pussy. She is madly in love with her Argentinean sword swallowing girlfriend and the pair of them are the darlings of the cabaret scene in Berlin. What did I get? A tent full of hippies in sodding Bristol. I would never have chosen to come here in a million years, but when Emily 'asked' me about it, she did so with such certainty in her voice, I knew she would end up coming without me if I refused. Ever since going out with that gangsta bitch Shayna had made her feel like a somebody, she had shown less and less inclination to do what I told her. I had lost Brian, I couldn't lose Emily as well. I couldn't be that alone. So I followed her. I followed her into the unknown.

I think deep down, I've known all along that Emily was the stronger one, not that I would ever admit it. I covered it up by being louder, more cocky, more obnoxious, but it was all a fucking front. Emily was never scared of change, she embraced it. She was the one who had the balls to stand up to our mother when she was just seventeen, coming out and then leaving home when Jenna couldn't accept it. I was always going to look like the good twin, the pretty twin, the 'normal' twin next to her, and I milked it. Got all the boys, played mummy's little darling, manufactured myself a fabulous little life. Until I found out something that meant I wasn't 'normal' at all. It was hidden, something you couldn't see, but I was always terrified that if people found out they would look at me differently, especially boys.

Fitches don't show fear. In Emily's case it's because she's actually fearless, but me? I'm just fucking good at hiding it. And I've had to become a mistress of disguise in this place, cause I have nothing familiar to hold on to. Naomi is the kind of girl I would have picked on mercilessly in school, but here she holds all the power. She is so fucking brainy. For me doing aerial was simple. It was always enough just to hang off stuff and have people think I was amazing and pretty, but the way she talks about art and what she's trying to achieve makes me feel empty and stupid. I'm terrified she's going to find me out as a fraud, and throw me out of here, keeping my Emily for herself. Panda and JJ freak me out, and I know I'm lazy. I've never made an effort to understand people who are different. Neither of them have a malicious bone in their bodies. It makes me feel shit that I cannot understand them, and I'm tired of feeling like shit. Cook makes me feel like shit, cause he finds my lesbian twin sister more attractive than me. Am I losing my touch or what? Anthea is just plain scary, she's always ripping into me. Admittedly, it's usually for my own good, but fuck, it doesn't exactly help my sense of persecution. In a way I admire the way she doesn't mince her words or try to sugar-coat anything, but it's a fucker that she is way, way better at it than me.

But like I said, somehow I managed to bluff my way through, and when I felt the warm embrace of the audience's love, I finally began to feel like I might be part of something, that maybe I do deserve a place here. Slowly I have started to allow myself to enjoy watching Emily shine. Slowly I have stopped letting the fear close me off, and have started to find ways to reach out to the other members of this strange little family. Even Anthea the dragon lady held me in her arms as she said her goodbyes, and told me to believe in myself, which is more than Jenna has ever done for Emily. Slowly, I am beginning to find my feet again, to accept that this little band of freaks might actually hold the key to my recovery.

But there is still one person who terrifies me more than Anthea Stonem ever did. Her daughter. At first I just hated her, with her silence, her smirking and her freaky staring. I wanted to slap the smug little bitch, and ram her stupid camera up her arse. She wasn't even one of us, just there because her mummy didn't trust her to be left alone. A grown woman who couldn't be left to her own devices? Attention seeking little twat. She seemed perfectly fucking fine to me, playing all mysterious so the boys would fucking adore her. Certainly seemed to be working on JJ and Freddie, and I'm sure it would have done on Cook if he hadn't been so busy blatantly barking up the wrong tree. But one day Effy scared me to Hell and back. Why? Because she'd been there. Because I fucking sent her there.

I'll be the first one to admit that I'm no fucking Ghandi. I've punched a few blokes and slapped a few girls around in my time, but so what, they fucking deserved it. But never in all my years have I seen someone with so much terror in their eyes as I saw that day. Because of me. We were halfway through rehearsals, everyone was knackered. I had pulled a muscle in my back and it was fucking killing me. She got in my way and I fucking yelled at her. So what, bitch had it coming, yeah? Finally gonna get a bit of the old Fitch tongue lashing to put her in her place. But instead of the shrug or the smirk or the 'whatever' I was expecting, Effy's thin veneer of protection completely shattered in the face of my anger. In the few brief moments I looked into her eyes, before she shrank away from me screaming and muttering, I knew. It wasn't affectation, it was real. Effy was in trouble. Deep, deep trouble.

I was horrified. I stood there paralysed until Anthea threw me out of the way to go and comfort her stricken daughter. Even afterwards, when Anthea was tearing strips off me, I just took it. I felt numb, I fucking deserved it. I was a shit, and not just to Effy, but to JJ and to Pandora too and everyone else who didn't fit my definition of cool. Looking down on them from my superior pedestal, like some baby Jenna Fitch. Was this what my future held for me? Was I going to turn into my mother? A cold, judgmental bigot? Except for one thing. One small spark of feeling in my heart that gave me hope. When Effy asked for Panda to help to comfort her I felt a clenching in my stomach. I wanted to be the one to help her. I wanted to make it up to her. I couldn't be a bad person, could I? Because I knew I was wrong and I wanted to help.

But how? I didn't know then, and I still don't know now. It was Naomi who found me crying in the toilets that night. Even though she was exhausted, she calmed me down. She took me outside and explained what psychosis was, and what it meant for Effy. She told me we were going to keep Effy with us, and that we were all going to have to make the effort to look after her. I agreed enthusiastically, I never wanted to see that look on her face again. I never wanted to hurt anyone like that again. It made me realise how strong Emily really was, that she had been able to manage my cruelty all these years. I swore to myself I would make more of an effort to fit in, to support my sister in her new adventure. And I swore that somehow, someday I would make it up to Effy too.

It was hard. I felt so guilty, I could barely look her in the eye, even when I knew she was staring at me. And she was staring at me again. I could feel it, even through the chaos of the aftershow party. And chaos it was, everyone was off their tits. Even Naomi had managed to drop her Head Girl persona, and was munted. Everyone except for Effy, who couldn't, and me who didn't want to. Though I could barely bring myself to speak to her, that was one thing I could do for her, keep myself straight enough to keep an eye on her. Even though more often than not it was Effy who had her eyes on me. What she was doing looking at me for I had no idea. Panda was on top of the set with her tits out, jumping around to Lady Gaga. Trust me, there are a few things the wonder of which can only be fully appreciated when you witness them for real, a Prada handbag, Cesc Fabregas leaping to win a header in midfield, and Pandora Moon dancing. Old Katie would have just thought she looked stupid. New Katie thinks she looks free. It was new Katie that took a deep breath, and steeled herself to turn round and look Effy in the eye. I was rewarded as a slow smile began to spread across her face. It was breathtaking.

My mind shot back to a night about ten days ago. All of us girls were chilling out with a couple of bottles of wine in mine and Ems caravan after a long day's rehearsal. Except Naomi, who was still working, of course. I always make Emily get the wine. She went out with some posh banker type bird for a while and now she always chooses well good vino. Needless to say it wasn't long before things got a bit giggly.

"Ok," said Panda, with a seriousness that was somewhat spoilt by the raspberry and lime green polka dot dress she was wearing. "If like you had to, because otherwise a puppy was going to die or something, who out of the company would you snog?"

The rest of us spluttered into our drinks.

"Oh yeah, and you have to say why," she continued.

Jesus, did she think we were all thirteen or something?

"Who wants to go first?" asked Panda excitedly, oblivious to my silent scorn.

"I'll go," said Emily, grinning at Panda.

"Whizzer," replied Panda.

She looked so happy, I felt a bit of a tit, and told myself I was supposed to be trying not to be so damn superior. Meanwhile Emily looked like she was giving the matter serious consideration.

"I would snog…." she mused, "Naomi."

Oh no fucking surprises there Emsy.

"Because, then I could tell people I'd snogged Naomi Campbell, and they would think I'd kissed a supermodel."

What kind of a lame excuse was that? How about 'because she's blonde and gorgeous, and I want to fuck her brains out'? God that girl was so transparent her middle name should be Perspex. Emily might think she's being subtle, but I'm her twin and I know shit. I've seen her look at Naomi like a lioness watching a zebra at a water hole. She wants to devour her. Ems might be in a relationship, but she's still the same old lesbo lust bucket she's always been. In fact, she must be in paradise here, all the girls are gorgeous. If you can get Panda to stop spinning for long enough, you can see she's really pretty. And Effy, God Effy. She's fucking stunning. She's the kind of girl you just want to stand next to in the hope that some of that effortless beauty might rub off on you.

"How about you, Panda?" my sister's voice interrupted my musings.

"Oh that's easy," giggled Panda. "I'd snog Thommo, cause he's super lush and he makes my noonah go all tingly."

"Good reason," said Effy. "Everyone loves a tingly noonah."

My eyes narrowed as I looked at her. She just smirked back at me. It was as if the incident had never happened. The old, irritating Effy was back with a vengeance, and she was waiting for me to reveal myself.

"Well, I'd snog Cook," I said quickly, just wanting to get it over with. "Because he's fit, and once you've seen him with his shirt off, you have to admit he's pretty fine boy candy."

We all took a moment to reflect, and no-one disagreed with me, not even Emily. It was Panda who broke the silence.

"Come on, Eff," she said enthusiastically. "Who would you snog?"

"I wouldn't snog anyone," she said with a look that would make a Goth seem cheerful. "I'd let the puppy die."

Ok, so it was funny, but with my new found sense of righteousness, it fucking wound me up. Fuck's sake Stonem, I know you're smarter than me. You might be fucking crazy (yeah, I know I'm not supposed to say that), but you're smart enough not to piss on Panda's parade with your emo bullshit, not after all she's done for you.

"Just answer the fucking question," I spat, more harshly than I had intended. "Who would you fucking snog?"

I watched her eyes light up with cold blue fire.

"You," she said, fixing me with a steely gaze as I heard my sister burst out laughing in the background. I didn't dare look away. I didn't dare let her know she had rattled me.

"You have to say why," said Panda in delight.

"Because she's Katie Fucking Fitch," Effy replied calmly. "What other reason do you need?"

She released me from her hypnotic stare, leaned back against the window and sparked up a fag. I knew she was playing with me, trying to get a rise out of me. And I also knew I deserved it, I knew I'd done fuck all to honour my promise to make it up to her. Was this just a simple revenge? If it was, it was a bloody good one. Emily never let me forget it. Any time I started getting up myself, she would start tossing her hair like she was in a L'Oreal ad, and purring, 'Because she's Katie Fucking Fitch, what other reason do you need?'

I felt myself smiling at the memory as I looked back at Effy across the party. She had totally gotten one up on me. I know it wasn't much after what I had done to her, but strangely it had managed to make me feel better. She had managed to make me feel better. Effy was clever, but even that thought made me sad. If Effy was clever, then the things that invaded her mind must be clever too. Time to man up, Fitch. Time to show her that you give a damn. I made my way towards her across the crowd, ignoring the fit boy who asked me to dance.

"No," I told him. "I'm going to see my friend."

It felt good saying that. I wanted to be her friend.

"Hey," I said, plonking myself down on the seat beside her.

"Hey," she replied, before the pair of us just drifted into silence, watching the shenanigans below.

Pathetic I know, but it was a start.


	3. 3 The Angel And The Bone King

**A/N I spent a lot of time on trains today, and this is the result.**

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3. The Angel And The Bone King

Effy

So there I was, on the road with a travelling circus. You might think this was a strange and insecure way to live, but really it was the safest I had felt for a fuck of a long time. Too safe, if the truth be told. Safe enough to make me do something really fucking stupid. I let my guard down. I was watching him, watching the colours from the firelight dance around on his face as we stood immersed in a bongo playing throng round a camp fire. We were at a little festival in Devon, and that night we had finished the last of our shows. We'd started our nocturnal adventures with a bigger gang, but somehow it had ended up just me and Freddie. Beautiful Freddie with his luscious lips and his sweet little puppy dog eyes. Eyes that kept flicking over towards me with hopeful little glances. Only that afternoon I had spilt my guts to Emily over why he was no good for me. I knew exactly why he was no good for me. He was just like Joe, pretty and scruffy and careless, hiding any hint of pain behind a soft fluffy cushion of weed. Joe was the guy I was with the first time the walls between dimensions crumbled in my mind and all manner of hell was let loose inside my unfettered cranium. Yep, living inside my head is like living on top of the Hellmouth, except there is no Buffy to save me from my numerous apocalypses….apocalypsi? What the fucking hell is the plural of apocalypse anyway? But I also told Emily I was tired, tired of being fucking mental. Tired of having to be so careful all the fucking time. Tired of being lonely for so fucking long.

"Do you ever think you'll be able to love again?" she had asked me, her tone laced with concern for my welfare. I had tried to give her a considered answer, but her question had burned. It was burning me still. She had asked me because she was burning so furiously with love, she could hardly bear the thought of anyone being stranded without it. I watched them, Emily and her Naomi, being cautious, playing safe. To a normal outside eye it might appear as occasional subtle flirting, but to me they were screaming at each other. Their fire was howling, dazzling, deafening in its intensity, and though they might not know it yet, their forces were destined to collide with explosive ferocity. Sometimes they shone so bright I had to retreat even further into my darkness just to be able to stand being around them. It was a truly beautiful thing to behold, but it made me physically ache with jealously. Knowing that if I ever got to feel like that again it would, quite literally, be the death of me.

Surely it was better to stay numb. Alive, but numb. Or was it? After a lifetime of treading carefully, would I even be me anymore? I know I have a dangerous tendency to let go, to let go of everything. That's what got me into so much trouble in the first place. But I was sick and fucking tired of being fucking tired and sick. I wanted to be a real girl again, even if it was only for a few minutes. Fuck it. I made my way over towards him, suddenly and silently appearing at his side.

"Jesus, Effy," he said, almost jumping out of his skin. "I didn't see you coming."

"They never do," I said softly.

"Who doesn't?" he asked me quizzically.

"Anyone."

He blinked his heavily lidded eyes at me, trying to work out an answer. It was taking him some time. Roughly thirteen hours into his smoking day, he was having focussing issues.

"Spliff?" was the only thing he could come up with. It wasn't his fault, he was probably too stoned to remember that he wasn't supposed to do that. And the passing of the joint was an easy form of communication, the perfect icebreaker when you are face to face with the woman of your fantasies and you don't know what the fuck to say. I looked at the smoking weapon he held up in his hand like it was a knife held up to stab me in the heart, but like a cutter who'd been forcibly deprived of razor blades, I looked upon that weapon with love. Just one drag, right? Just one drag, and I could talk to the cute boy and maybe even kiss him. I could be a real girl again, even if it was only for a moment.

"Sure," I said, taking the offending item and letting my fingers linger across his as I did so, raising a cute half smile from him in reply. Fuck, he was adorable. Just one drag, Effy. Just one drag.

I inhaled, drawing the hot smoke deep into my lungs, thankful that my hours of daily practice with cigarettes meant I still knew how to smoke. I held it down, allowing the toxic mixture to swirl around inside my lungs, before a long slow exhale into the night. God, I fucking missed this.

"Fuck that's good," I said, allowing a slow grin to creep across my lips, prompting Freddie's half smile to spread into a full on halogen beam. It was all the encouragement I needed to take the fateful second drag.

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Two spliffs later, everything seemed beautiful. The fire was beautiful, Freddie was beautiful, fuck even the bongo playing was beautiful. Maybe things were going to be ok this time. The beautiful boy and I were laughing along together, somehow managing to piece together a conversation in the way that only the bombed out and the virtually mute can, and for a moment I relaxed. And in that moment I was just a girl, having a laugh with a boy at a festival. Just like everyone else. Imagine a life like this. Imagine just how precious that would be. I felt him take my unsuspecting hands into his. I didn't resist it. I looked back up into his eyes.

"You're really pretty," he said.

At least I think that's what he said because all of a sudden I was the one having focussing issues.

"What?" I spat out unceremoniously. The real girl part of me knew that this was impolite and unladylike, but what the fuck did she matter? Pretty soon she was going to be clinging on for dear life. Deep in my heart I knew the signs. There was a storm coming. I didn't hear what Freddie said in reply, because although I knew that his mouth was moving the whole of my attention was focussed in on his eyes. They were turning black, really black. Completely black. I turned to the campfire hippies for help. Had they noticed? Would they be able to assure me that Freddie was ok? But when I looked all I could see were their eyes melting into darkness too. I looked back at Freddie and he was smiling, but I could see the bones of his skull showing through his transparent flesh. I looked down to see his skeletal hands tightening their grip on mine.

"Run!" screamed a sudden piercing voice, but it scared me so much that all it did was shock my muscles into paralysis.

"Don't run," whispered another. "If you do, he'll know that you know."

"Who will know?" I said desperately.

"He is the Bone King, and he wants to take your heart," the voice told me.

"He is the Bone King, and he wants to take your heart," confirmed the chanting of every one around me.

I looked down at Freddie's chest and his body was strobing between normal boy and x-ray vision. The flickering was confusing me but I managed to work out one thing. The Bone King didn't have a heart. That's why he needed to take mine. I had to get out of there, but how could I when everyone else was working for him? It looked like they were smiling at me, it looked like they wanted to love me, but they didn't know that I could see through their disguise to the fetid monster beneath.

"Run!" shouted the voice again.

"Don't run!" whispered the other.

"Don't let them know that you know."

"Don't let him take your heart."

I squeezed my eyes shut to try to find a sense of purpose. I knew that stealth was my only hope of escape. Slowly, oh so slowly, I extracted my hands from the Bone King's grasp a millimetre at a time. Only the tortoise could win this race, the hare would be destroyed. I slowed everything right down, my movements, my heartbeat, my breath. It was the only way they wouldn't see me as I fled.

"What are you doing, Effy?" asked the Bone King, shifting his shape back into the beautiful boy to try to deceive me.

"It's just a dance," I told him. "Just a dance."

The shape that pretended to be Freddie was frowning at me as I drifted away, but I didn't care what kind of tricks he was going to pull. I wasn't going to let him take my heart. I needed it. I needed it for something else. It took what seemed like hours to perfect my slow motion escape, but finally I was far enough away.

"Now you can run," the voices sang as one.

And I ran. I ran for my fucking life, not caring when I stumbled into mud, or crashed into one of the anonymous bodies surrounding me. I didn't know where I was going, lights were flashing in my eyes and all the faces looked the same, but I ran until my smoke tortured lungs were screaming in defiance, and I tumbled to the ground once more. I sat there in the middle of some kind of pathway gulping and gasping for air, until some kind couple stopped to help.

"Are you OK?" asked the guy, with rough cut ginger hair and a goatee. All I could do was gasp some more as I tried to force enough air into my lungs to speak. His girlfriend crouched beside me.

"Are you having an asthma attack," she asked me. "Do you need an inhaler?"

"No, I'm just…" I stuttered. What could I tell her, the fucking Bone King was trying to steal my vital organs. Jesus Effy, you're such a freak. A fucking fucked up loser of a freak.

"I'm sorry," I said, trying to get up.

"Want a hand?" said the guy, extending his own for me to hold. My breathing returning to normal, I started to reach up towards his grasp.

"Do you really think you can trust him?" came a thousand tiny whispers, hammering like hailstones in a violent summer storm. The bones started showing through his outstretched hand. I looked up to see the same dark strobing skull pulsating in his head. I turned to the girl beside me and saw that her eyes were pure black. Fucking ginger devil and his harpy nearly tricked me. I sprang to my feet and shoved him hard in the chest.

"Get the fuck away from me," I yelled. "I know what you are."

"Tripping," I saw him mouth towards his bitch.

This wasn't tripping, you areshole. Tripping is fucking fun.

"Now will you fucking run?" the screaming voices asked me. Seemed like a fucking good idea. I ran, and ran, though I had nowhere to run to. Those black eyed bone fuckers were fucking everywhere, and if I stopped they would find me, and they would rip out my fucking heart. I tried to keep my pace steady, so I could last for longer, but I was starting to panic. I couldn't run forever, and then what? Voices started battling in my head, offering conflicting advice, barking furious orders, only adding to my confusion. My flight was getting more and more ragged as my energy failed and my limbs started to burn. The bone fuckers were just laughing at me, they didn't even have to chase me. All they had to do was wait until I ran myself into the ground and they could pick me off at their mercy.

Suddenly in the distance I saw a light. A beautiful shining white light, and I knew I had to go towards it. I half ran, half staggered to the source, recklessly shoving any bone fucker that dared to get in my way. The voices and laughter were unbearably loud, and the constant fucking strobing had left me half blind, but the light was so beautiful that I knew it couldn't belong to them. And then she came into focus. Raised above the crowd there hovered an angel, a beautiful radiant angel. And she was dancing. It took the very last of my reserves of strength to get to her, but I knew if I could reach her, if I could make her see me, she could save me. She shone, iridescent as pearls in the sunlight, and as I struggled those final few metres I silently begged her to turn around and notice me.

"Effy," her voice cut through the cacophony.

The angel knew my name, she was mine. She raised me up to join her, pulled me out from the heaving swamp of bone fucker bodies, pulled me towards her into her arms. She wrapped me up in her protective embrace, until I felt the touch of skin on skin, and then….silence.

The screaming stopped, the world stopped pulsing in and out of light, and every last bone fucking demon dissipated into dust. There was only us, me and my angel saviour and an overwhelming sudden sense of calm. I held onto her, not daring to break the contact for fear of being flung back into the tempest. It felt like we were flying, flying to a better place, flying to a better world. My angel filled up every sense. Her skin was cool and soothing to the touch. Her scent consumed my every breath, spreading its delicate aromatherapy through my aching hungry body. Her sweet voice was like music singing me back to sanity. Her brown eyes shone as she rested her forehead against mine. Her curves were more enchantcing than the most celebrated work of art. She had really amazing tits….What?

I blinked, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from their current fascination, until I was interrupted by yet another voice.

"Go on, darling. Stick yer face in there and give 'em a good sucking."

A real voice, a human voice. Belonging to a real human wanker.

"Why don't you suck on this?" proclaimed the angel. "Cause I'm sure it's bigger than you pathetic excuse for a cock."

I looked out along her arm to witness her giving him the finger. Ok so perhaps not the most angelic of behaviours I'll agree, but…effective. My eyes were drawn back to the source of the controversy, and I felt myself drifting back towards a more widely held concept of reality.

"Katie?" I said hesitantly. "Katie Fitch?"

"Who else did you think it was, Katie sodding Price?"

Right then the familiar edge of that cutting tone was the most beautiful sound on earth. I had been in the vice like grip of a full on multilayered delusion, and she had brought me back.

"And what's with the tit staring anyway?" continued Katie. "It's Emily who's the gay one, remember?"

Was it my fault that her tits were what my brain considered Katie's defining feature, even in the depth of madness? It wasn't as if she ever tried to hide them. 'In yer face' was one of the more polite ways of describing her wardrobe.

"I thought you were an angel," I said.

"Well duh…" said Katie, flourishing her hands in front of her body and then spreading them wide. Sure enough, she was dressed as angel, carnival style, in a skimpy pure white costume, complete with corset, feathers, false eyelashes and a magnificent showgirl headdress. Even without the benefit of hallucination, she was electrifyingly beautiful.

"No…I.._really_ thought you were angel," I explained.

The shock registered on her face as she began to cotton on. I looked at our surroundings in the harsh light of the truth. Of course she hadn't been flying above the crowd. We were standing on a go go platform, and Katie had been 'aving it large'.

"I thought you'd been sent to save me," I said quietly.

"From what?" she asked.

"From…skeleton monsters who were trying to…. steal my heart."

God, it sounded fucking ridiculous when I said it out loud.

"Right," said Katie. She was trying to put on a concerned and understanding face, but her eyes showed me she was barely suppressing a laugh.

"Skeleton monsters?" she repeated.

"Yep."

"Who were trying to eat your heart?"

"No, they were trying to _steal_ my heart."

"I see," nodded Katie sagely.

"So they could…"

I stuttered as I felt the beginnings of mine own laughter starting to form in my belly.

"So they could give it to the Bone King," I smirked.

Katie could contain herself no longer. She started laughing uncontrollably, clinging onto my shoulder for support. And I laughed along with her. It was a blessed release. So different from all the concerned caring frowns I'd been subjected to over the years. I don't care what anyone says, Katie Fitch an angel in any damn reality.

"Who the fuck's the fucking Bone King?" she spluttered, blinking at me as she wiped away tears of laughter.

"Freddie's the Bone King," I giggled at her helplessly.

"Freddie?" she said, stopping her laughter dead.

I watched her features form into fury as her brain worked out the simple equation. Freddie equals spliff. Effy plus spliff equals nightmare.

"I'm going to fucking kill him," she murmured quietly. It was far more menacing than if she'd yelled it in my face. When Katie Fitch offers threats, they are not to be taken lightly.

"Come on," she said, grabbing my hand and leading me through the crowd. I went willingly, what other choice did I have? Katie was the one who was rooting me to reality. I couldn't lose the contact yet.

"Where are we going?" I asked her.

"We are going to fucking kill him," came the reply.

"We can't do that," I protested.

"You're right," she said. "I'm going to kill him. You get to watch."

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We found him still lounging around at the bongo fire like the harmless little space cake that he was.

"Effy, Katie," he smiled towards us, opening his arms to welcome us. But Katie was approaching attack velocity. I watched her calculate her moves in the final approach. I could tell she wanted to punch him in the face, but he was just too tall for her swing to have any real effect. But Katie wasn't one to let such details deter her. She smacked him in the balls instead.

"Katie, what the fuck?" he squealed, as he writhed around in the mud below her clutching his injured dignity.

"You gave her fucking skunk, you useless prick," she yelled at him. "Are you that fucking stupid, or were you just trying to get her wasted so you could get into her pants?"

"I wasn't…" moaned Freddie, almost sobbing with the pain.

"Either way, just stay the fuck away from her, yeah?"

With that, she turned on her heels and stormed off. I had seen plenty of people fight over me in my time, but I had never watched someone fight _for_ me. Freddie looked up at me appealingly but all I could do was shake my head as I backed away from him. In the battle for Effy's heart, Angel beats Bone King every time.

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**A/N Hard to believe it now, but for a long time I didn't get the Katie/Effy thing even though it appeared on here. I thought it was just the wishful thinking pairing of two available fit girls into a lesbian centric universe. But then came series 4, and at the time there was a much shared opinion (which I agreed with) that Emily and Naomi looked more in love when they were tearing each other apart, than Effy and Freddie ever did even when they were supposed to be happy. Then I saw the carnival scene, where Effy runs away from the boy she is supposed to love in the arms of Angel Katie Fitch, and it hit me like a bolt of lightning. In those few seconds that they hug, they look like they are born to be together every bit as much as Naomi and Emily. In those few seconds my brain just told me, that is who you need to be with Effy. Katie is the only one who can save you. Why? Because she's Katie Fucking Fitch, what other reason do you need?**

**That was the moment in which this relationship was born.**


	4. 4 Someone To Know Me

**A/N Thanks a lot for the fabulous response to the last chapter. I was quite nervous about it as I wanted Effy's experiences to be authentic and not to sound like a load of pretentious bullshit. I did do quite a bit of reading about people's experiences of psychosis, so I'm glad my efforts seem to have paid off. This chapter has got to go out to wristducky for all round general awesomeness, and thanks to everyone for your support.**

**I don't own Skins, but I'd sing it a drunken love song.**

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4. Someone To Know Me

Katie

When I woke up the next morning, Emily was still asleep, not that you could easily tell from the way she was thrashing about in the bed. She never used to do that when we were kids. It's new, but she does it a lot these days. Probably dreaming about fucking Shayna's brains out. Or fucking Naomi. Or maybe even both of them. Who knows the filthy little fantasies that populate my sisters dream world these days, she's a long way gone from the nervous little kid I used to push around whenever the fancy took me. Whatever it is I'm sure it revolves around girls, and sex, cause whatever it is, she seems to be enjoying it. It's a long time since I've dreamt about sex, or even thought about it for that matter. I don't know how but somewhere along the line Emily and I seem to have swapped personalities on that matter.

Instead I woke up thinking about her. Effy, I mean. When she found me last night she looked like a proper sack of shit. Her clothes were torn and she was covered in mud. Her hair was all over the place and her make up was streaking down her face. But I forgot all of that in an instant when I saw her eyes. She looked fucking terrified. I'd seen that horror in her eyes before, the day I had sent her to the edge of her senses. Except this time she looked liked she was completely over that edge. For a second I had panicked, until I realised that this time she wasn't frightened of me. This time she was crying out for me. When I pulled her out of that crowd, she clung onto me as if her life depended on it, but it wasn't until later that I realised that in her reality she actually believed that her life _did_ depend on it. That I was her angel, and I was the only one who could save her from a horrific death. Of course I made light of it at the time, but later that night as I held her hand as she was falling asleep, the thought kept running through my brain…why me? Why did Effy choose me as her saviour?

I was storming off after I'd sorted Freddie out when I heard her cry out behind me.

"Katie," she said desperately. "Wait for me."

I realised I had slipped back into classic behaviour, expecting her just to follow in my wake, the way Emily had done for all those years. But Emily had been way tougher than I'd imagined. She had never really needed me to be her guardian the way I'd thought she did. When I looked back at Effy I saw true longing. She was lost, and she needed me to look after her. I had no hesitation, not even for a fraction of a second, and I held out my hand towards her. The moment she took it, she visibly relaxed, the most desperate of her fears seeming to dissipate at my touch. It was the same back at the field. It was the physical contact that seemed to calm her down, as if she was using me as some kind of connection back to our world.

"Come on," I said softly, starting to lead the way.

"Where are we going?" she asked me again.

"Home," I said.

I took her back to the caravan and washed the mud off her face and hands, before taking her back to her tent and getting her out of her dirty clothes. She was completely passive. She let me wash and change her like a baby. She didn't say a word, not that was anything new.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" I asked her.

She nodded, but then started to panic as I made a move to leave the tent to go and make it.

"Do you want me to tuck you in?" I said.

She stared at me with those magnetic blue eyes of hers for what seemed like forever, before she nodded again almost imperceptibly. I've looked after Ems when she's been sick. I've looked after mates when they've been wasted. I'm usually a reluctant nurse, bitching and complaining about what better things I could be doing with my time, but Effy's raw fragility broke something in my heart, and I went about my duties without a whisper.

"Can you find Pato for me?" Effy asked, once I'd got her snuggled up into her sleeping bag.

"Who's Pato?"

"He's the funny giraffe," replied Effy.

Oh great, now she thinks there's a fucking giraffe in here. Effy must have caught my look, and even when she's not so stable she notices the tiniest of inflections.

"It's a stuffed toy, Katie," she said disdainfully. "I've had him since I was little."

"Ok, busted," I admitted. "I thought you were seeing imaginary wildlife."

"Cause the inside of this tent looks exactly like the plains of the Serengeti," she teased me.

"Could have been a skeleton giraffe," I muttered in my defence, but really I was grateful. When she started taking the piss out of her illness, it meant she was aware of where she was. I hunted round her tent in the dim light of her lantern until I found the offending object, and delivered him with a flourish.

"Thank you," said Effy, with a sincerity that made it clear she wasn't just talking about Pato.

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" I asked her.

"I always sleep," she said. "I have stuff that makes me sleep. In the red case."

I followed her gaze towards a small red metal case. I picked it up and brought it back over to her airbed, where I flipped the catches and looked inside. My eyes widened when I saw the contents. There must have been at least a dozen packets and bottles of different pills.

"Jesus Effy, that's a lot of drugs," I said.

"That's a lot of problem," she said, tapping her index finger against her temple.

"Ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one," I said, suddenly reminded of Emily and Naomi's theme tune.

"Not today, anyway," smiled Effy.

She started rifling through her various medications, selecting the ones she needed and then swallowing them with a bottle of water beside her bed.

"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" she asked me. "It won't be long."

"Of course I will," I replied, taking her hand. "I'm your fucking angel, aren't I?"

I held her hand as she drifted off into unconsciousness, and for a good twenty minutes after that. Slowly the noises of the festival in the background began to die away, until I was left with nothing but the sound of her breath. It wasn't until I was sure that she wasn't going to wake up, that I let her hand slip from mine and sought the comfort of my own bed.

I had slept in late, despite my sister's subconscious fuckathon, but my first thought when I saw the time was that I had to check on Effy. I had no idea how long her sleeping pills would last, and I needed to know she was ok when she woke up. I threw some clothes on and headed to her tent. I called her name. When there was no reply, I unzipped the door anyway, hoping she wouldn't think it an intrusion. I poked my head in but her bed was empty and she was nowhere to be seen. Instinct told me the next place to look, and I ran towards the big top. Sure enough she was there in her usual place on the seating eyes glued to her laptop. She looked up when I called her name, and a beautiful smile broke over her features, lighting up her whole face. The contrast to the way she looked when I found her last night couldn't have been more marked. I went over and wrapped her in a great big Fitch hug, relief washing over me in waves.

"How are you doing?" I asked her, when we finally broke from the embrace.

"I'm good," she said. "I'm really good. I don't know how though. I don't think I've ever gone that deep without completely losing it."

"Yeah, well if those skeleton guys come back, just tell 'em they'll have to deal with Katie Fitch, yeah?"

"Well now I know I'm safe," smirked Effy. "Think I'd do as well to avoid the Bone King for a day or two though."

"I don't think Freddie will be coming anywhere near you," I said firmly.

"Yeah, I think he's learnt his lesson, Katie," said Effy nervously. "Please don't hurt him again."

"I just don't want you to get sick again, babes," I told her.

"I won't," she assured me. "I'll be careful."

I must have been frowning at her too seriously, because she poked me in the stomach and skipped away from me.

"Come on Doctor Fitch," she grinned. "Come and have a look at my new pictures."

I followed her over towards her laptop and watched as she showed me the photos she had taken over the course of the festival. As ever, they were fucking fascinating and emotive. It was the detail. Somehow her eye always seemed to capture the very essence of her subject showing you at a glance truths it would have taken whole essays of words to explain. It was no wonder she could always read us so easily, nothing got past her. I wondered again what it must be like for her, not only to lose that gift of perception, but to completely lose her grip and tumble down the rabbit hole into chaos. I couldn't even begin to imagine.

"They're fucking beautiful, Eff," I whispered. "You're so talented. How long have you been taking photos?"

"Just over a year," she said casually.

"Are you serious?" I gawped at her. "How did you get so fucking good?"

"I was in hospital again," she sighed. "There was a scheme. They got this artist to come in and work with us. Jenny, her name was. I didn't want to do it. Expressing myself with paint and all that bollocks. I couldn't give a shit. But she wouldn't give up on me. Gave me a camera and told me to take pictures instead. I tried being all teenage huffy about it, but the truth was that as soon as I picked up the damn thing, I kind of fell in love with it. It made me calm, helped me to connect. When I could make a record of this reality, it seemed to make more sense to me. When I showed my stuff to Jenny, she was blown away by it. Said I had a real talent, and I should get serious about photography. She started spending more time and energy on me than on the other students. She treated me like a real person and not just a mental case. She gave me this camera."

Effy held up her precious camera to me. Now I know fuck all about cameras, but even I knew that that was one expensive looking piece of kit.

"Wow, wasn't that a bit beyond the call of duty?" I asked.

Effy's eyes went dark, and she put the camera down and looked away from me.

"I did a bad thing," she said quietly.

"It's ok," I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. I knew that Effy giving this much of herself away to anyone was a very rare thing.

"No, its not," replied Effy, bitterly. "I knew she was fucking up. I knew she was letting her feelings towards me stray beyond what was strictly professional. I knew she had fallen in love with me. So I did what I always do."

"Which is?"

"I fucked her. In the fucking hospital. In the art room."

"Isn't that…?"

"Against the rules. Yeah. Like career destroyingly against the rules. But what do I care about that? I'm just a crazy person. I fucking went and did it anyway. But I didn't do it because I cared about her, I did it because I could. Because she couldn't stop herself and I fucking love that power. I would have fucked Freddie last night if I hadn't lost the plot, and I would have fucked him up too. People always fall in love with me. And it's always fucked up. They do stupid things cause they're in love with me, and I fucking let them. Cause they're too stupid to see that they're falling in love with a shell. Even the one guy I loved back couldn't see it, and that's what broke me. Everyone fucking falls in love with me and I hate them for it, because I don't fucking deserve it. I'm a bad person, Katie. All I do is destroy the people who care about me."

I thought I knew a thing or two about self-loathing but this girl had me beat. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I blurted out the first stupid thing that came into my head.

"Well at least you can be sure I'll never fucking fall in love with you," I said.

I heard myself say it. It sounded like classic bitch. Sometimes I just hate the sound of my own voice, but the next sound I heard was beautiful. It was the sound of Effy laughing, her sombre mood evaporated in a flash. I was going to have to get used to these mood swings.

"Thank fuck for that," she giggled. "That's why you're so good for me Katie. You don't fall for any of my bullshit. You're not taken in by my so-called mysterious charms, and you're not afraid to take me down a peg or two. I need that. I need someone to know me. To know me for real and not to give a damn."

"I could be that person," I offered. "I'm vain, bitchy and self-involved, and I don't give a damn about anyone."

Effy laughed again but seconds later I found myself on the receiving end of one of her fearsome stares. All of a sudden I felt naked.

"I think we both need someone to see through our façade," she said.

.

.

.

I kept a close eye on Effy all through take down and the move to Bradford, but she didn't display any further signs of being in trouble. Just morphed back into her so-called mysterious self. I knew it would probably be a while before she would open up to me like that again. At Effy's insistence we told Naomi and Cook about her attack, but made a pact between the four of us not to reveal it to anyone else, not even Anthea. Even though Eff had resumed her normal distant way of being, I knew something had changed between us. She had trusted me, and shown me some of her secrets and I felt that we had the start of a proper friendship. We shared spaces and silences, and we'd always somehow end up sitting next to each other, exchanging amused glances whenever one of the others did something funny or stupid. It was quite the opposite of what seemed to be happening with Emily and her best mate. Ever since they'd got back from doing Anthea's cabaret in London the atmosphere between them had been different. It wasn't anything obvious, but they'd lost that giggly closeness that they had, and their doubles trapeze wasn't half as raunchy as it had been. I hoped Ems hadn't done anything stupid like trying it on with Naomi, the last thing I needed was her ridiculous libido cocking things up for me, just when I'd found my feet with this circus. She hadn't seemed to be quite so bad since she'd been going out with Shayna, but then again Shay was pretty possessive.

A bunch of us had gone out for a drink after one of the shows, but Emily had volunteered for site duty as soon as Naomi had agreed to join the party. There was definitely something going on between those two, cause she would have jumped at the chance to go out with her before. We didn't really know where we were going so we'd ended up in some shitty pub that I wouldn't have been seen dead in back in London. Oh the joys of touring circus life, you can almost smell the glamour. I groaned inwardly when they wheeled out the karaoke machine, hoping that we would move on, but everyone else seemed to think it was a great idea. I had already been subjected to Pandora's startling rendition of Beyonce, Freddie and JJ murdering an Oasis track, and Cook hamming up a version of 'I kissed a girl and I liked it.' I thought the worst was over, as there was no way Effy was ever getting on that stage, and Naomi was far too cool to compromise her dignity like that. But the next thing I knew I saw her staggering towards the stage and chatting to the guy with the mike. She was absolutely shit-faced, she had been hammering back vodkas like there was no tomorrow since we got here. I felt my anger rising at Emily, she must have done something out of order, because there is no way Naomi would normally get this drunk before a show day.

"Now you're in for a treat," Cook leaned over and said in my ear.

"Yeah right," I spat sarcastically.

"Just you wait," he winked.

I'm sure it would be spectacular, Naomi could hardly stand up. The guy fiddled with the machine and the music sprang into life. I recognised the opening piano riff from 'Back to Black.' Amy Winehouse, how appropriate. A drunk singing the music of a drunk. I almost didn't want to look, but when I did I was shocked. Naomi had let the music take over her body, looking every inch the professional performer and had the rapt attention of every set of eyes in the room before she had even uttered a note. When she opened her mouth to sing I swear my jaw must have hit the floor. Her voice was incredible, but that was only the half of it. It was the way she sang that really knocked me sideways. There was so much passion, as if she was feeling every word. When she sang the lines "you went back to what you knew, so far removed from all that we'd been through," it felt like she was putting my guts through a vice. And that's when it hit me, she was singing about Ems and Shayna. I knew they'd been together in London, and this was what it had done to Naomi. Naomi wanted my sister, it wasn't one way traffic at all. Naomi reached the chorus.

"We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times…"

I felt hearts shattering all round the room in sympathy with the singer whose own was already in smithereens. She spat out the next line with such venom.

"You go back to her, and I go back to…"

Fucking hell, Naomi didn't just fancy Emily, she was in love with her. Each time she sang again only confirmed what I thought. I looked across to Effy for second opinion, but she was staring at Naomi completely fascinated. I know she stares at everybody, but there was something different about this. This wasn't her usual detached observation, her eyes were riveted to the blonde, and she seemed hypnotised by her.

"Beautiful," I heard her murmur under her breath.

Oh fucking great. Everybody wants somebody here in this fucking freakshow. Cook wants Emily. Emily wants Naomi. Naomi wants Emily. Panda and Thomas want each other. Freddie and JJ want Effy. And Effy, Effy wanted Freddie, and now it seems she wants Naomi. I felt a knot tighten in my stomach. It's not like I was jealous or anything, Effy can want who she likes, but why the fuck doesn't anybody want me? It never used to be like this, I used to have guys fucking forming a queue. But then I heard Naomi's beautiful anguished voice again and realised this wasn't about want, it was about love. Everybody falls in love with Effy, but none of the guys in that queue ever fell in love with me. They might have been infatuated but at the end of the day they all just wanted to fuck me. Not one of them would have offered their bleeding heart out on a plate for me the way that Naomi was doing right now. Not one.

The song drew to a close, and the room exploded with applause.

"Told ya she was good, didn't I?" grinned Cook. "I'm always trying to get her to sing in the show, but she won't have any of it."

"With good reason," added JJ. "Naomi only sings when she's really drunk, which wouldn't work for the show, because she'd fall off stuff, with a high probability of potential injury."

Naomi illustrated his point beautifully at that point by falling off the stage and crashing into a table of drinks. Cook howled with laughter before going over to sort out the damage. Effy seemed to have returned to her normal default smirk, Naomi's spell over her broken for the moment. I brushed aside the strange feeling of relief, and leaned in towards her. I needed to hear it from the all-seeing eye.

"Do you think Naomi's in love with Emily?" I asked her.

"I must only use my powers for good," she replied enigmatically, nonchalantly sipping pear cider through a straw.

"What the fuck does that mean, Eff?" I barked. "Don't pull your Madame Mystery shit on me."

She smiled at me with genuine affection.

"It means it's between them. I can't use what I know for idle gossip. It would be betraying a confidence."

"It can't be betraying a confidence if she hasn't told you anything," I protested.

"Oh but she has," smiled Effy. "I think she just told the whole room."

Her blue eyes sparkled cheekily up at me and I was held by them until I was momentarily distracted by Cook dragging Naomi off to the toilets to throw up. Maybe if love caused that much pain I didn't want it after all. I turned back to Effy with a mischievous grin on my face. I may not be in love but I had a fucking wicked best friend, and for now, that was enough.

.

.

.

**I was listening to 'Back to Black' the other day, and it just made me think of Naomi's heart breaking in the smoking yard of Shayna's club in 'IHAFICC' – so in it went! I must admit it's really fun watching the Naomily relationship from the outside this time, hope you're enjoying it too.**


	5. 5 Sibling Rivalry

**A/N Shameless plug – all you lovers of Keffy goodness (and damn fine writing) if you haven't already then get yourselves over to Sunsets and Broken Dreams by Summerskins, cause although it is a Naomily story and an exquisitely written one at that, it also features some of the most beautiful Keffy love I've ever come across.**

**Anyway, look at me getting all updatey on your ass, you can tell I'm not at work this week.**

**I don't own Skins but I wouldn't mind waking up in bed with it.**

**.**

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5. Sibling Rivalry

Effy

My head was consumed by a dull throbbing ache, my mouth was dry and my chest was tight from the consumption of way too many cigarettes. That would be morning then. Even before I managed to force open my sticky eyes I knew that I wasn't in my tent, the light was too bright and it was all the wrong colour. I racked my fuzzy brain for clues as to what I got up to last night, and there was a vague recollection of the sound of Cook's voice shouting 'Tequilaaaaaa!' and not much else after that. Oh well, it'll come back to me I suppose. My next thought was that I should probably find out where I was, but that thought was superceded when I felt the stirring of another body beside me. I was in a bed, with another person. I should probably find out who I was with, or if I even knew them at all. Why the fuck do I drink tequila, I asked myself. But I already knew the answer. It was the closest thing I could get to the high of the drugs I love so much, without a guaranteed one way trip to la la land. Still, it did still sometimes make me do stupid fucking things. It was time to find out if last night was one of those times. I rolled over to face the sleeping truth.

My eyes widened in delight as I recognised the unmistakable form of Fitch. I was in the caravan. I was safe. My guardian angel had watched over me and brought me home. I reached out automatically and almost touched her before I realised there was something wrong. She smelt different and the bright red colour of her hair betrayed me in an instant. When they had arrived they had both sported the same vibrant red, to go with their synchronised silks act, but then Katie had died her hair a gorgeous dark purple that seemed to suit her much better. This was the wrong Fitch. This was Emily Fitch. A half naked Emily Fitch. I was in bed with a half naked Emily Fitch. I looked down at my own body and realised I was more or less naked too. Shit. I mentally clawed at the recesses of my fucked up brain to try to stir up some memories, but none were forthcoming. I looked at her impressively lovely curves clad only in a black lacy bra and knickers and there was no denying it. She was fuckable. Oh God, fuck no, Effy. Have you gone and pressed the self-destruct button again?

Emily's eyes started to flutter open.

"Hey Effy," she smiled at me lazily, giving nothing away. "How are you feeling?"

At least she was expecting to find me there. It was no use, I was just going to have to ask her.

"Did I fuck you?" I said.

"What?" blinked Emily in surprise.

Too blunt? Maybe, but I had to find out if I'd just fucked with everyone's lives again.

"Did I fuck you?" I repeated.

Emily's brown eyes bored into me and I felt horrifically exposed.

"Do you often fuck people and then forget you've done it?" she asked, impassively.

"It's been known," I replied honestly.

"And do you often fuck girls?" she said.

"It's been known," I repeated.

"I see," said Emily.

I held my breath. Please Emily, just put me out of my misery. If this has happened we are in need of some major fucking damage control.

"No you didn't fuck me," she finally admitted.

I breathed a short-lived sigh of relief, before my eyes shot back to meet hers.

"No I didn't fuck you either," said Emily, picking up on my anxiety. "I came home, you were crashed out in my bed. I couldn't be bothered to move you, so I just got in beside you and went to sleep. There was no fucking of any kind. I love someone, and I have a girlfriend."

Poor Emily, she was in so deep she hadn't even realised how distinct and separate she had made those last two statements sound.

"Look, it's not that you're not an attractive woman…" she continued, mistaking my silence for pain.

"It's ok, Emily," I countered. "You don't need to soothe my ego. I didn't want to sleep with you, but sometimes I just do things, you know."

"Like accidentally shagging people?"

I turned back towards her, but there was a huge grin on her face. This was going to be alright after all.

"What were you doing in my bed anyway?" she asked me.

The memories started to come dribbling back. It had been the night after the last show in Bradford. Naomi and Thomas were on site duty, but Cook had dragged the rest of us out to some underground anarchist club where there were a load of bands playing, and that's where the tequila frenzy had taken hold, until Katie had indeed dragged me home and looked after me.

"Katie," I said. "I was out of it so she took me home and parked me here. I think she thought you'd pulled when you disappeared with that girl from the band."

"What Debz, no she's just a friend," scoffed Emily. "She used to be my bass player. We just went somewhere quieter to have a catch up."

"Sorry," I muttered, but Emily just giggled.

"So Katie thought I was shagging her, and you thought I was shagging you? That's quite a night I wasn't having."

"Well, you know I'm not exactly on first names terms with commonly perceived reality," I shrugged.

"So, even if you had shagged me, you might have thought you were shagging….the queen of the pixies or something?" Emily challenged me.

"Well, you're about the right size," I bantered back.

"Oh Stonem, you are so dead," she threatened, before leaping on top of me, and trying to tickle me. I tried fighting back but she was scarily strong, and it wasn't long before I was shrieking with laughter.

Our tussle was brought to an abrupt halt, by the sound of a furious voice cutting across the sound of our laughter.

"EMILY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET THE FUCK OFF HER. HOW MANY FUCKING WOMEN DO YOU NEED?"

Both of use froze, and turned to see Katie boiling with rage. Ok, so I know it didn't look good. Emily was straddling my topless form in nothing but her sexy underwear pinning both my arms above my head. But the look in Katie's eyes was enough to nearly break me. I didn't need armies of psychotic demons to rip my heart out. Katie could do it with just one look. I wriggled away from Emily's grasp.

"It's not what it looks like," I said, only partially amusing myself with the thought that this was one of those rare occasions when that sentence was actually true.

"We were just mucking about," confirmed Emily. "She called me a pixie. She had to be punished."

"Just keep your fucking hands off her, ok?" growled Katie.

"Ok," said Emily huffily, raising her hands above her head and sitting back down on the bed.

I hoped she would leave it at that, but their latent sibling rivalry was too hot for her not to have another dig.

"I mean, you put her in my bed," she smirked. "Thought it was like, an early birthday present or something…"

"Woah, Katie, no!" I said throwing myself into the path of the elder twin as she launched herself at her sister. I had already witnessed the consequences of her violent tendencies with Freddie. I didn't want to see her attacking Emily too.

"It's ok,it's ok," I said calmly, wrapping my arms around her. "You don't have to go into battle for me every time. She's just trying to wind you up."

"Well it's fucking working," grumbled Katie murderously.

"Relax, Katie," said Emily in a slightly less confrontational tone. "You misread the situation. I'm not interested. Effy's not interested. There's nothing going on here."

I gently guided the still fuming Katie towards her side of the caravan, as Emily started to pull some clothes on. The pair of them continued to glower silently at each other.

"Exciting as it is to have two sisters fighting over me, are you two going to make it up anytime soon?" I suggested.

Katie's rage was still incandescent, and it was Emily who bit the bullet.

"I'm sorry, ok," she shrugged. "You just wound me up. You're always so ready to assume the worst of me."

"That's because it's usually true," spat Katie.

Emily opened her mouth to argue, but then caught herself mid thought. She seemed to weigh things up in her mind for a moment.

"Actually, yeah," she admitted. "You got me."

Emily always somehow manages to look much taller than she actually is because of the sheer force of her vibrant personality, as but she stood there looking at us with that cheeky grin on her face, she suddenly seemed small and cute again. Katie was right about her being brave. She was stood before us doing the one thing both Katie and I struggled desperately to achieve. She stood before us saying, here I am, and here are all my faults laid out in plain view, and I dare you to love me anyway. It proved to be an irresistible ploy.

"You're such a slag, Emily Fitch," said Katie, but it was said with infinite love.

"I think you'll find the word is 'playaaah'", she smirked, striking a ridiculous mock hip hop pose, and bobbing her head to an internal beat.

"Whatever," smirked Katie.

"Well if we're all playing nice again I'm just gonna," said Emily, indicating the door with both her index fingers. "You know, see if Naoms wants to do some training."

"Emily, it's your day off," I observed drily.

"Yeah, well, yeah…" she said, attempting to cover her slip up. "I think I'm just going to go and see if anyone wants to go and get breakfast."

"Anyone?" I said sweetly.

"Yeah, anyone," she said spinning on her heels to escape my stare, knowing that she'd been made.

"God she is so into her," announced Katie. "She might as well be wearing a big neon sign above her head saying 'Naomi Campbell, fuck me now'. I don't know why they haven't shagged already."

I knew why, because it wasn't about that. If it was they would have had their fun and moved on by now. I knew that our player was about to get the shock of her life, and I was fucking relieved that I hadn't fucked it up for them in my usual selfish way. I couldn't bear the thought of wrecking this beautiful family the way I had so many times in the past. Maybe I should just get out before I did any real damage. It would be so easy to just call Anthea and get her to come and get me out of here. Naomi and Emily's stars would rise regardless of whether some fucked up psycho was there to watch them or not. Maybe the kindest thing I could do for these beautiful people was to run. To rid them of my poisonous presence, before I infected the pure flow of their veins. After all, it wasn't as if there was anything to keep me here.

"Sometimes I hate her," said Katie.

Her voice trembled with a mixture of guilt at the emotion, and relief for finally having admitted it. I turned round to see her sat on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands.

"She's just so fucking…cocky."

"Wouldn't you be?" I asked.

"She fucking loves it here. People think she's God's gift. Naomi, Cook, your mum, all of them, and everyone goes mental over that fucking porno doubles act they do. She's finally starting to realise she's better than me, and it scares the fucking crap out of me."

I stared at her suffering for far longer than I wanted to. After years of being the weakest link, the one who needed all the help just to survive, I had forgotten how to be strong for someone else.

"I'm sure somewhere deep down, she has just as many hidden insecurities as us," I offered.

"I don't think anyone has as many hidden insecurities as us," said Katie.

Acting on instinct, I gathered her up into my arms. In the height of my distress it was just the purity of her touch that brought me back from the darkness. I prayed to anything that might be listening that I might be able to do the same for her.

"I'm sorry I was such a bitch earlier," said Katie. Her voice was shaky and she clung onto me as if she was scared I might disappear. "but when I saw you with her , I just….. You're _my_ friend, and I don't want her to take you away from me. You're all I've fucking got right now. All the things I had, the power, the popularity, the attention, she has them all. I couldn't stand it if she took you too."

"She's not going to take me from you," I said, realising that my dreams of running away were just that, dreams. I couldn't abandon my angel, I wouldn't survive without her light. "Nothing's going to take me away from you."

"But you're bi, and she's well…Emily," sighed Katie.

"You really think she'd be chasing me, when she's got Shayna _and_ Naomi to deal with?"

"I wouldn't put anything past my sister when there's a beautiful girl involved."

I couldn't help it. I let a slow smile of triumph spread across my face.

"What?" said Katie, pulling back and noticing my ridiculous grin.

"You think I'm beautiful," I teased.

"Yeah, well don't get tickets on yourself, nutjob," smiled Katie. "Your body ain't that special."

Note to self. Never try and take on an aerialist in a tickling match. They are just way too fucking strong. I tried to punish Katie for her 'nutjob' comment, but I soon discovered I was way out of my league. For the second time that morning I found myself pinned to the bed by a Fitch twin. There were some who would say I was a very lucky girl indeed, but the sensation in my belly only proved what I had sensed the moment I had spotted Emily's red hair that morning. Emily was the wrong Fitch twin. Katie was the only one for me. Everything about her was fire, and not for the first time I found myself willing to allow her flames to consume me, if only to experience that glorious heat for just a moment. I would never tell her though. I needed her, and I wasn't going to let myself fuck it up with sex. I actually found myself being thankful she was straight, that she was bright enough and smart enough to see right through the ridiculous Effy Stonem myth. Maybe this way I would actually get to keep her. Maybe this way love could finally make sense.


	6. 6 Sleep With The Angels

**Sorry it's been a while, but I've just been working really hard, and it's the first time I've been swinging off stuff all year so it's kinda tiring, but bloody great at the same time. Enjoy.**

**I don't own Skins, but I would dance with it under the fairy lights.**

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6. Sleep With The Angels

Katie

"You leave your inhibitions at the gate," grinned Cook.

That's easy for him to say. He doesn't have any fucking inhibitions to start with. We were all at the top of this great big hippy tower thing, on top of a hill at Glastonbury. I had been moaning about why did we have to climb up a big bunch of scaffolding just to look at some ribbons and shit, but when we got to the top, I had to admit the view was pretty stunning. I was still staring out at it when Cook had started racking out lines of coke. We had arrived here a couple of days ago to put the tent up, but this was the first time we had all been out. The first night when things looked like they were starting to happen for real. Like Cook trying to get us wasted the night before a show. I wasn't surprised at him, but when Naomi joined in with the casual attitude I had to do a double take. I'd never been here before, had no idea what being here would really mean. That even our glorious leaders would be leading us into temptation. I watched an evil grin creep across my sister's face, as she prepared to free herself from the shackles of her regular behaviour. That was no surprise either, but it wasn't really about the drugs. She was already so high on her illicit desire for Naomi, she was merely seeking excuses to break the moral code.

One by one I watched as all the others toppled like dominos into the welcoming arms of their downfall. The question was, would I join them?

"Come along, Ladies," this shit isn't going to snort itself, smirked Cook.

"Too fucking right it's not," said Anthea, swiping the rolled up tenner from his hand and taking a nosedive into the snow. My mind threw up a ridiculous image of my own mother hovering up a massive line, and I instinctively turned to look at Effy. Normally I haven't got a fucking clue what she's thinking. She's either being coolly distant, or her mind is boiling with such horrors I have no chance of understanding, but in that moment, I could read more emotion than I'd ever seen her display when she was 'normal'. First there was the desire, the raw animal lust for the drugs, and then there was the fear, the fear that she would crumble like the rest of us. That she would take the risk and to hell with the consequences. But the balance of risk was not the same for her. All we would have to deal with was a banging hangover and a tiresome comedown and the possibility of doing a shit show. For Effy the danger ran much deeper. We could lose her. Either back to the hospital or even… A shiver ran down my spine at the thought, and my decision was made for me.

"Katiekins?" said Cook, offering me the note.

"I'm good thanks," I said casually, as I reached for Effy's hand and encased her slender fingers in my own. Her hand was cold, but I felt it squeeze mine in an almost imperceptible gesture of thanks.

"All the more for the Cookie Monster then," he laughed wildly, before cleaning up the remains of the powder. He led us off the tower and into the waiting night with a battle cry.

"Let's go fucking MENTAL!"

"Some of us are already there mate," joked Effy so that only I could hear.

I pulled her close and leaned into her, slipping my arm around her waist. She responded by lightly draping hers across my shoulders. It felt good to walk like that. Together. It was a long time since anyone other than Emily had shown me that kind of affection. Brian and I had lost that easy intimacy during the dying weeks of our relationship, and I hadn't realised how much I missed it. I don't do single. I've always had some bloke or other following me round giving me what I needed, but after Brian I just couldn't fucking face it. I think the fact that I've always had a boyfriend has stopped me from ever having a proper female best friend, and I was only now beginning to discover the benefits. Affection without the hassle being one of them. Ok, so maybe a certified psychotic wouldn't have been my number one choice of BFF in the past, but there was no denying that somehow we just fit. And I really did care about her. Christ, I'd just given up a free line of coke for her hadn't I? That's something I'd never done for any guy.

We traipsed around the enormous site looking for adventure, and I looked on as the others got more and more wasted. It was funny being on the outside of things like that, but I wasn't jealous. There was more than enough going on to keep me entertained and I slipped into Effy's easy company as if I belonged there. I've been so used to being the centre of attention, it was actually quite amusing to watch from the shadows. Especially Naomi and Emily, their clumsy efforts to be discreet were quite comical when they were eating each other up with their eyes every chance they got. JJ's attempts to explain every last fucking detail of things in his normal manner were getting fucked up as he got confused and started to tumble over his words. Freddie got so laid back it was a wonder that he could still fucking stand up. Thomas just smiled as if his face was going to split in two, Cook got even more rowdy than usual, and Panda, well you couldn't really tell with Panda, she always acts like she's off her face anyway. Anthea just got louder and more opinionated, and smoked like she was single handedly trying to keep Marlboro in business. It was when I had to watch her take a pill off Cook with a kiss, that I reckoned that even the girl who saw monsters would find that too much to bear. I turned towards Effy and gave her a silent offer of escape. She knew exactly what I meant even without words, and gave me the briefest smile of relief. My hand found hers once more and we slunk away into the night leaving the wild ones to their fate.

"You didn't have to do that for me," said Effy quietly, as we wandered through a field full of tepees.

"I wanted to," I assured her. "Besides, I'm going to get in some serious gloating tomorrow when they all feel like a bag of shite."

"Always looking on the bright side, Katie," teased Effy.

We sauntered vaguely in the direction of home in the theatre and circus fields, until Effy got distracted by something and tugged me over to the side of the track. There, partially hidden by bushes was a wooden staircase leading down a slope at the side of the track. We stopped at its head whilst the rest of the crowds continued drifting past us unawares.

"I saw some interesting people going down here just now," said Effy.

"Always watching everyone," I told her.

"It's how I learn," she replied. "It's how I work out how to live in this world."

"What do you think is down there?" I asked her.

She shot me an inviting glance, and disappeared down the hidden steps. I wasn't even sure we were allowed down there, but I had no choice but to follow her. Effy wasn't much for following the expected conventions. Guess there had to be some perks to being mental. The space opened out and I saw a beautifully decorated wooden hut open on one side with a bar and a dance floor. Outside there were tables, benches and umbrellas all roughly fashioned out of wood and decorated with fairly lights. The DJ was playing some seriously funky nu jazz, and all around were draped the coolest looking bunch of people all dressed up, some of whom I recognised as performers I knew from around the scene. The whole place just had a wicked vibe going on, and I knew in an instant I was going to love it here.

"I think we just found the new cool place to be," said Effy, returning from the bar with a bottle of champagne. We might not be getting munted, but we were going to end our evening in style. We found ourselves a spot under one of the umbrellas, and I joined Effy in her mission watching everyone in the space as we sipped on our champagne. I've never been that comfortable with silences, I usually feel the urge to fill the gaps with nonsense, but with Effy I was perfectly happy and allowed myself to slip into her state of being. It was peaceful, just watching people dance and drink and interact to the funky sounds. Occasionally I would sneak a glance over in her direction, and watched her as her eyes scanned the crowd gathering information. I found myself wondering how someone so obviously intelligent could lose all of that so easily, and struggle to find the edge between delusion and reality. I felt a pang of sadness, and wondered what Effy's life would have been like without her illness. I'm sure she could have done anything. She was so smart, and talented and beautiful. God, she was beautiful. She never had to try too hard, fuck, she never had to try at all. I thought of all the hours I spent trying to make myself look hot for the boys, when Effy could probably pull anyone she wanted with barely a second thought.

"Fuck me," she said suddenly, shocking me out of my thoughts.

"Pardon?" I spluttered.

Did she mean…? Well she was bi, and I had just spent the last five minutes staring at her. But I didn't even get the chance to react. She was already halfway out of her chair and heading across the garden. I watched as she walked towards a beautiful waif like tall blonde hippy girl. Of course, it wasn't you Katie. What the fuck made you think that it was you? The girl instinctively turned round as she felt someone approach, and then screamed and threw herself into Effy's arms. They talked animatedly for ages, and I was torn between going over there, and staying where I was and maintaining my cool. Cool won the day and I found myself copying my teacher and scrutinising their every move for evidence as to the nature of their relationship. They didn't seem like lovers, more like old friends and I didn't understand quite why I was so relieved about that. Why was it so important for me to be the one that Effy could rely on? Surely as her friend I should just want whatever made her happy. Finally Effy turned and headed back towards me, bringing the girl in tow.

"Katie, this is Cassie," she said. "I haven't seen her for years."

"I got upset when my friend Chris died, and I ran away to America," she announced, with no qualms over spilling her business to a stranger. "Are you in Effy's circus?"

"Yeah, I do silks and stuff," I shrugged.

"Wow, flying through the air, that's like totally amazing," she said enthusiastically. "It must be lovely."

Something told me Cassie didn't quite operate in this plane.

"How do you two know each other?" I asked casually, secretly suspecting that it might have been in hospital.

"Cassie's an old friend of my brother's," said Effy. "But she only got back in the country a few weeks ago."

"Small world," I said.

"You have no idea," said Effy with an evil genius grin. "Turns out Cassie knows our Naomi Campbell."

"She's lovely," smiled Cassie with a far off look in her eye.

"Do you know her well?" I asked making casual conversation.

"You could say that," she replied, exchanging a filthy smirk with Effy. My eyes widened as I understood her implication.

"You and Naomi?" I stuttered. Cassie's smile was more than enough to give me my answer. "Jesus, is the whole fucking world bisexual?"

"Wow, you've never experienced the power of the pussy?" said Cassie. "You totally should, it's amazing."

I looked over towards Effy for help, but she was struggling to stop herself from laughing.

"I think my sister gets more than enough pussy for both of us," I said curtly.

After that we danced and hung out with Cassie for a while, soaking up the vibes of the place and chatting to various people we knew until Effy wrapped her arms around me from behind.

"I better get this one home," she said. "She has to fly tomorrow."

How come it was suddenly the crazy girl who was looking after me?

When we finally got back to site, we found ourselves loitering outside Effy's tent. I knew I should go to bed, but I found myself reluctant to leave her.

"Your friend seems nice," I said, trying to force the conversation a little further.

"We have a lot in common," shrugged Effy. "Medication, suicide attempts, bad luck in love…"

I knew it was just more of the black humour she used to help her deal with her illness, but still my heart went out to her. I wanted to wave a magic wand and make everything better for her, but all I could do was pull her into an embrace knowing that physical contact helped. She wrapped herself gratefully around me. Sometimes I just wanted to hold her like that for the rest of my life.

"Katie," she said nervously.

"Yeah?" I replied, suddenly just as nervous.

"Smoke a spliff with me?"

"What?" I said incredulously. "You know we can't do that."

"It doesn't always make me go loopy," she said. "I'll be alright if I'm with you. It's just some really mild homegrown."

"You've got some fucking puff? What the fuck, Eff?"

` "Please," she said longingly. "There's fucking thousands of people here getting off their tits. I just want to be part of it, even if it's just in a small way. I just want to pretend to be normal for a while. I get so fucking tired of being careful. I get so fucking tired of being good. Help me, Katie, please. I know you can keep me safe."

I was fucking glad it was dark. Effy's voice was cracking as she spoke and I knew that if I had to see the same pain in her beautiful blue eyes, it would fucking break me. I knew that desperation to fit in, I had lived with it my whole life, always working so hard to be normal, to be the good twin, to be popular.

"Ok," I said tentatively. "But if you start seeing shit I'm going to kick your ass."

"Deal," Effy smiled, and kissed me on the cheek.

We went into her tent and I watched as her expert fingers rolled a perfect joint. Lack of practice certainly hadn't dimmed her technique. She placed the spliff almost reverently in her mouth and lit up, taking a long deep drag. She held the smoke in her lungs for what seemed like an age, before exhaling slowly and blowing a perfect smoke ring. Sometimes she was just too smooth for her own good. She took a couple more drags before surrendering the spliff to me. I smoked it out of politeness, but I wasn't really into getting stoned, I was too scared of what might happen to Effy. We finished the spliff between us and she lay back on her bed with a self satisfied smile. I found it impossible to relax. I was too busy studying her face for warning signs of incoming demons.

"I'm fine Katie, really I am. Chill out," she said, patting the bed beside her.

"Anyone else in there?" I said, gently touching the side of her head.

"There's only me and you, babe," she whispered softly.

I lay down beside her, propping myself on one elbow so I could watch over her.

"Let's hope it stays that way," I said.

"There's one way to make sure," she replied.

"What's that?"

"Stay with me," she said.

This time I could see her eyes, and there was no escaping the hope in them. Of course I would stay. It wasn't even a choice. That was the first night I slept with Effy Stonem. I watched her as she slowly drifted off to sleep, and listened as the rhythm of her breathing slowly morphed into that of a soul at peace, lost in her dreams. If it was possible, she looked even more beautiful as she slept, her face relieved of the anxieties of her waking mind. I have no idea how long I stayed there just studying every detail of her, but eventually I felt my own eyelids growing heavy. I kissed the scar on her forehead, and turned out the light. I was reminded of a Spanish saying 'sueño con los ángeles' – may you sleep with the angels. I guess tonight, for her, she was.

.

.

The next night we were back in the new cool place to be, except this time we brought a few of the others with us. The day had been eventful, to say the least. Cassie had dropped by site as she had promised.

"You better not tell my sister that Naomi's fucked that girl," I said to Effy as I watched Cassie approaching. "Otherwise it will be lesbian apocalypse."

One look at the evil smile on Effy's face told me that that was exactly what she planned to do.

"I thought you were only supposed to use your powers for good," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "I serve a higher purpose."

By the time we got to the show, it was plain to see that the Naomi liking girls cat was most definitely out of the bag. Her and Emily were practically fucking each other on stage. Seriously, I just wanted to lock the pair of them in the caravan until they'd fucking got it over with, and then we could all get on with our lives. As we were getting ready to go out, Emily was jumping round the caravan like she had chillies in her pants. Of course she was trying to play it cool, as if I didn't know that the two of them were on a one way collision course for shag city. When Naomi rocked up at the door looking sexy as fuck, and flashing her bedroom eyes at Ems, I would have put good money on them having sex before the night was through. But then Shayna turned up and put a spanner in the works. I would have thought it was fucking funny, if I hadn't had to see the devastation etched into Naomi's face for the rest of the night. Yep, that girl had most definitely been Fitched. Still, I wasn't going to let the lesbo soap opera spoil my night out, and me and Effy hit the dance floor and showed them how it was done.

We were having a rest and a drink, when a guy in a dinner jacket and a kilt came wandering over towards us.

"You girls were pretty amazing, are you dancers?" he asked us.

Ok, so it was fairly obvious flattery, but he was kind of fit, so I couldn't help wondering why his presence felt like an intrusion.

"Katie's an aerialist," said Effy. Oh cheers, hun. Rat me out why don't you. I smiles and braced myself for the inevitable.

"Wow, you must be pretty bendy," said kilt man enthusiastically. Why are guys so fucking predictable?

"You ladies want any drugs?" he said. "I got pills and coke, and some GHB."

"No thanks, we're sorted," I said firmly, my fingers sliding round Effy's under the table.

"Not to sell," laughed kilt man. "I just wondered if you girls wanted to have a bit of fun with me."

"Yeah, well I don't accept drugs from strangers," I said, attempting to shut him down.

"What about you, princess?" he said to Effy. "You look like a girl who knows how to have a good time."

I felt a knot of anger start growing in my stomach. If this guy didn't fuck off soon he was going to get a knee in the sporran.

"She's not interested, yeah," I spat at him.

"What are you, her mother?" he laughed at me. "Why don't you let her speak for herself. She's a big girl. I bet you do drugs, don't ya darling?"

I was just about to snap, when I felt Effy's hand on my arm. She looked at me and gave a tiny shake of her head.

"I do loads of drugs," she purred at kilt man, seductively. What the fuck? Surely she wasn't into this tosser.

"Nice one," he leered back at her, feeling at his pockets. "What's your poison?"

"Ziprasidone," said Effy calmly.

"Eh?" muttered kilt man.

"Olanzapine, Apriprazole, Lamotrigine, Thorazine, Clozapine, Haloperidol, Lithium, Paliperidone, Quetiapine, Loxapine, Risperidone," Effy reeled off the list she knew off by heart. "You name them, I've done them all."

"What the fuck are they?" asked a slightly unnerved kilt man.

"Mood stabilisers and anti psychotics," smiled Effy sweetly. "I'm a psycho."

Kilt man flashed a worried glance in my direction.

"It's true," I assured him. Crazy Effy, we call her. I'd get out now, whilst you still can. It got really ugly with the last guy."

"Yeah, right," he said, turning on his heels and disappearing into the crowd.

Effy and I collapsed into laughter.

"Psycho," I teased her.

"Well I had to do something before you started pummelling him," she countered. "I might be mad, but at least I'm not violent."

"I'm just trying to protect you," I said.

"I know," replied Effy. "And I love you for it, but you don't have to protect me all the time. And if you want to get munted, please don't let me stop you. I'd hate you to think you have to stay straight for the rest of the festival."

Did I catch a mocking inflection in her voice when she said the word 'straight', implying a double meaning? It was fucking subtle, I'd probably just imagined it. Either way, it unnerved me enough that drugs seemed like a really good idea. I went and hassled Naomi to give me some coke, and to my surprise she gave me the whole fucking bag. I twigged it was because it had come from Shayna. Oh well, if Naomi was dumb enough to fall in love with my player of a sister, it was her loss and my gain. I hoovered up a massive line and began the happy journey to being a mouthy coked up wanker. After a shit load more dancing, and talking Effy's ear off, I finally made it home to find Ems on top of a half naked Shayna. I should have just gone to sleep in Effy's tent again, but the coke bastard in me just wanted to make them wait, and I babbled on at them for ages as I got myself ready for bed. Ems kept trying to throw me dirty looks, but I didn't give a fuck. If I wasn't getting any, then why the fuck should she? It was funny. It was fucking funny.

Next morning I crawled out of the caravan with the entire cast of Riverdance practising their routines inside my head. Effy came and found me with painkillers and orange juice. My spirits lifted in an instant. I loved how she would sometimes be the one to look after me. Just being her was enough to calm the raging fire in my head.

"If only I could find a guy like you, I'd be sorted," I said wistfully.

She fixed me with a Stonem special steely gaze sharper than a cut throat razor.

"They don't make guys like me," she said.

They don't make any other girls like you either, Eff. Special, beautiful, my best friend.

It was only morning, but the sun was already starting to bite. So much for Glastonbury was always being a mudbath. I'd bought designer wellies and everything. Effy was wearing a tiny halter top and most of her back was exposed. The caring baton passed back to me.

"You need to put some cream on, babes," I told her. "I don't want you to burn. She smiled at me, fished some lotion out of her tent, then chucked the bottle at me and lay down on her front. Her skin was pale, I don't think she had ever done a day's sunbathing in her life. I squirted some lotion into my hands and began to rub it in slowly, tracing the contours of her back and enjoying the feel of my hands on her skin. My ministrations were interrupted, however, by the sound of Naomi staggering out of the caravan looking like she had been kicked in the head. It took me a moment or two to put it together, but when I did it was hard to stop myself from giggling. Poor Campbell. I'd clocked Shayna going off to the loo with that key round her neck. I knew what that key meant. I'd borrowed Emily's handcuffs, when I was trying to spice up mine and Brian's sex life. He didn't go for it, boring fucker, but I knew that Shayna wasn't so reticent. I hadn't let them fuck last night so they must have been gagging for it by now. And if Shay had buggered off with the key round her neck, then Emily was probably…. Naomi's shell shock was enough to confirm my suspicions. As I watched her blushing under my gaze, and desperately grasping for control, I found myself glad that I wasn't involved in my sister's crazy love triangle dramas. For the first time ever, I felt happy to be single, and realised how much I appreciated my uncomplicated friendship with Effy.

""How are you doing Eff?", asked Naomi, reaching for anything to distract her from the memory of my filthy bondage freak of a sister.

Effy took her time to answer, sitting up and contemplating, before sinking back down and laying her head in my lap.

"I've got ninety nine problems," she smiled up at the quivering blonde. "But a Fitch ain't one."

What was that again? Special, beautiful, my best friend, and also the smartest and cleverest woman I've ever met. Effy Fucking Stonem, I think I might just love you.


	7. 7 A Golden Touch

**A/N This is the first of two Effy chapters. It was going to be one long one, but I wanted to get this out. There's a girl out there with a broken arm who needs some stuff to read, and trust me, I know how that feels.**

**Beck410 this is for you **

**I don't own Skins, but if it broke its arm I'd write it a story.**

7. A Golden Touch

Effy

Saturday night. We were four days into the mayhem and everything was going to plan. Ok, so Shayna's arrival had interrupted my evil scheme, but it had only delayed the inevitable. At least now they both knew. Emily was shagging for England to try to relieve herself of the tension of not having Naomi. And Naomi was biding her time, giving them both the widest berth possible until the moment she could claim Emily as her own. But then there were the shows. The tent became a furnace housing white hot infernos of desire. Shayna never bothered to come and watch, and my lovers were free to show us all the true depth of their passion, albeit disguised as drama. They had already passed the event horizon. The massive gravitational pull between them had grown so powerful, it was impossible for either of them to reach escape velocity. There could only be one outcome. They fascinated me. On their own, their energies were so pure and vibrant, I could only look on in envy as they blazed their way through life. But together? Even I couldn't begin to contemplate how powerful they would become. The one thing I knew was that I wanted to find out. A life that had such beautiful creatures as Emily and Naomi in it was a life worth living. A life illuminated by such dazzling love, was worth the daily struggle it took to stay in it. Their twin suns pierced my darkness and gave me hope.

And then there was her. My Katie. I knew I could never have what Naomi would have with her sister. I didn't even know why she chose me as her cause, but I was fucking grateful for it. We weren't like Emily and Naomi, they simply had to be. A world where they weren't together was a world that was out of joint. They were essential. I was lost and alone when Katie found me, exhausted and battered by the repeated wrath of the storm. She could have left me there, adrift and hopeless, only barely being kept afloat by the full force of Anthea's attentions. But for reasons best known to herself, Katie took me in. She made a choice. She has made herself my anchor. Every day in her presence makes me a little stronger. She presents herself to the world as some hard assed bitch who likes to get her own way, but her unconditional kindness to me takes my breath away. Two nights ago she slept beside me through the night. Even though I was knocked unconscious by my medication, I could feel the benefit of her presence. When I woke up the next day, she was still there, and I felt calmer than I can ever remember feeling. I have taken an entire pharmacy of drugs in my shit short life, both illegal and prescribed, but none of them, _none_ of them have ever made me feel as free from the terrors that haunt me as Katie Fitch.

Her touch is like a breath of sweet fresh air to this drowning girl, and she was holding my hand again as she guided me through the ceaseless sea of people that populate this festival the size of a town. Endlessly bombarded by their constant swirling motion, assaulted by a confusion of blazing lights and a cacophony of competing sound systems, it would have been easy for me to panic. Easy for me to slip away from a reality that was already far too surreal, but my anchor kept me grounded. She allowed me to be brave, to go out into the world and experience its pleasures instead of hiding away from its perils. We were headed over to the other side of the site to one of the dance tents. Deekline and Wizard were playing a set, and Katie wanted to dance. She wanted to dance with me. We had sneaked off straight after the show without asking the others to join. Though I loved the rest of the gang, it felt special when it was just the two of us. In those private moments I even dared to allow myself to feel happy, knowing that my guardian angel would keep me safe.

We finally reached the tent, and even though it was a massive big top, it was already rammed with heaving bodies. I started to slow down and tug on Katie's hand as we approached. Maybe this was a mistake. Just the thought of being trapped inside such a dense crowd made me fucking nervous.

"It's ok, babes," said Katie reassuringly, sensing my doubts. "I wouldn't take you in there."

She took me round towards the back of the tent, and headed straight towards towards one of the security guards, pushing out her impressive cleavage as she went.

"Hey there, Sparky," she simpered at the enormous man.

"Katie love," he answered, seemingly hypnotised by her delightful cleavage. Right there with you, Sparky. "You're looking very lovely, tonight."

I couldn't fault him on that one either, she was looking fucking gorgeous. Push up bra, figure hugging crimson dress, shimmering golden fake fur jacket, and fuck me heels that couldn't possibly have navigated the rough ground of the fields had they been worn by a regular person. Secretly I was drooling just as much as Sparky, I was just much better at hiding it.

"This is the friend I was telling you about," smiled Katie. "Effy, this is Sparky."

I could see him practically melt where he stood as her lisp sounded the first letter of his name.

"In you go girls," he said, holding aside a flap of the canvas for us to step through. Katie led me into a sectioned off VIP viewing area, right next to the stage with a private bar and everything. There were other people in there, but there was still plenty of room to dance, and we were well close to the action. I could feel the heat and enthusiasm of the crowd without running the risk of them consuming me. It was fucking perfect.

"Don't say I never take you anywhere nice," grinned Katie.

I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, losing myself, but in a good way, dancing like I used to when I was young. In those days I was happiest dancing alone, only allowing others to invade my space as a precursor to a fuck. But I felt Katie's presence beside me and I wanted, no I _craved_ her touch. Without even looking, I slowly inched backwards towards her. I knew exactly where she was, I could feel her. I kept moving, working the rhythm until I was right next to her. My heart rate accelerated as I felt her slip an arm around my waist.

"How ya doing, babes?" she whispered in my ear.

I swivelled in her grasp and laid my hands lightly around her neck.

"It's wonderful," I told her. "It's almost as good as it used to be."

"Almost?" she eyed me sceptically.

"You know," I said quietly, knowing she would understand my meaning.

"I've been thinking about that," she said with a gleam in her eye. "What we did with the spliff. Do you think it would work with a pill?"

I looked back into the dark brown eyes that were offering me this small slice of hope. What I wouldn't give to feel ecstasy's warm caress again without it raising devils in my soul.

"It could do," I said cautiously. "As long as you didn't leave me."

Katie's beautiful eyes studied me for signs I could be lying, before she seemed to make up her mind. She reached inside her bra and pulled out a small bag of pills. Taking one of the tablets, she broke it into quarters before placing one of the sections delicately into my mouth.

"That's all you're getting," she said, before swallowing the rest herself. "And I'm going to be with you all the way. Tonight you're not a fucking diagnosis, you're just a girl getting high with her mate."

She let me go to arms length, but didn't let go of my hand, and we danced like that for a while, holding hands, linking and unlinking our fingers, twirling each other round, Katie making sure we kept physical contact the whole time. It didn't take long for the pill to kick in. I've always metabolised fast, it's why I'm so fucking thin. In the olden days I would have munched my way through five or six pills a night welcoming the sweet oblivion they brought me, but Katie had been right, the cheeky chip was quite enough. I watched the lights transform themselves from mere illumination into something much more magical. I felt the sound of the music worm its way right inside my body, manipulating and massaging my muscles into the dance. It was fucking beautiful. Sweet fucking release. A stupid e-fuelled smile fixed itself onto my face. And stayed there. No-one morphed into evil black shadows. Nobody grew fangs. The walls didn't start to drip with blood, and nobody was trying to kill me. The only sounds in my head were the fat beats of the music, the only voices were the rhyming of the toasters giving praise to the fineness of all the sexy ladies. And the only person that I saw was the sexiest lady of all, dancing with me as if I was the only girl in the world.

I loved her. Katie Fitch. I loved her for bringing this moment of uncomplicated joy back into my life. She really was an angel, or at the very least its earthly equivalent, a person with so much love to give they were capable of selfless acts of benevolence. Her eyes never left me, constantly seeking to assure me she was there for me. She never let our contact drop, as if she were Superman and I was Lois Lane flying high above Metropolis Her touch would keep me safe, she would keep me from falling to my doom. I wanted more. In the morning we could blame what I did next, or the fact that she so easily let me, on the drugs. But I knew exactly what I was doing. I pulled her in towards me, wrapped my arms around her and started dancing close, burying my face into her hair and drowning in the sweet, beautiful scent of it. Katie didn't pull away, she placed her hands lightly on my hips and started moving both our bodies in synch with the beat. I tried to ignore the pounding in my chest and concentrate on the simple beauty of the moment. Take what you can get Effy, you absolutely cannot lose her. The most important thing of all is that she doesn't lose faith, that she continues to believe you are worth the effort. I relaxed into the swirling sounds, into the drug, and the motion of our bodies carried along on the wave. It was enough, this cheeky chip of Katie was enough. She had brought me to a place of happiness I never thought I would experience again. I promised myself that this time I wouldn't fuck it up. No more Effy the destroyer.

Katie span herself around in my grasp and I slid my hands down her sides and rested them around her stomach. I resisted the temptation to pull her hips back into me and grind myself suggestively against her perfect ass. Again I let myself drift away on the chemical buzz, and lived for the moment, feeling a connection with her that was more spiritual than sexual. We danced as easily as we walked together, slipping into a rhythm that worked for us both and allowing the distractions of the outside world to become a secondary consideration. When I was with Katie I felt like nothing could touch me. I was indestructible. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

I sensed him in my peripheral awareness before I saw him, but I didn't want to look. I didn't want to tear my attention away from her, but as he moved towards us it became obvious his aim was to engage. I looked up at him reluctantly. He was gorgeous, a cheeky blue-eyed chancer with mussed up hair and a face full of energy and charm. Definitely fuckable, another time I would have let him take me, accepted the fleeting pleasure as a gift to temporarily push away the gloom. But I had no interest in such things tonight. I had everything I needed already wrapped up in my arms. But he hadn't come for me. His eyes scanned slowly over Katie's body as he danced towards us, and he smiled when he met her eyes. He had such a beautiful smile, I felt a cold stream of dread start running through my veins. He wanted to take her away from me, and he was so beautiful, she might just let it happen. I couldn't help myself. I felt my arms tighten involuntarily around her pulling our bodies closer together. There was no way she could have missed my reaction. My body had betrayed me, letting her see a little deeper into my soul. I could only hope it wouldn't cause her to abandon me.

I couldn't see her face to judge her reaction to the boy, but she let me hold her tight against me and continued to allow us to move as one. He was close to us now, and I stared at him impassively despite the desperate emotions bursting into flames inside my heart. He opened his mouth to speak, but Katie simply raised her index finger and pressed it to his lips.

"Not tonight," she said calmly, without ever breaking the fluid motion of our dance.

He tried to speak again, clearly wanting to ask if another night would do, but Katie held her finger up again and shook her head. She had chosen me again. I felt a massive sense of relief wash over me as she turned around to face me and pressed her forehead against mine.

"I'm not going to leave you," she said. "I was never going to leave you. I made a promise to you, Eff. I want you to know that you can trust me."

I didn't deserve her. I knew I didn't deserve her. But the very fact that she believed in me sparked into life a tiny section of my brain, that started to suggest that maybe I was worth something after all. It was one lone tiny fighter against an army of doubts, but it was one more soldier than I'd had before. We danced in close proximity for what must have been hours, though I had lost all conception of time. I have no recollection of how she got us back across the site to our camp. All I knew was that with the drug still feeding my synapses and Katie pressed tightly in to my side, the mashed up Babel of sights and sounds became a thing of beauty. A brightly coloured coral reef set out for our delectation through which we drifted effortlessly enjoying its myriad charms. Eventually it spat us out back at our camp, and we arrived to find to glowing embers of a campfire in the centre of our vehicles. Katie flopped down in a chair, finally kicking off the heels that would have crippled lesser mortals hours ago, and I crumpled into the beanbag beside her.

"Anyone else in there?" she asked me, reaching down to casually caress my hair.

"Only you and me, babe," I answered.

Katie Fucking Fitch had set me free again.

Her hand slipped down and found my own, and then she abandoned the chair and slid down onto the beanbag beside me. Her free arm started to snake its way across me, and she snuggled into me. I released our intertwined hands that were trapped beneath us and pulled her tighter into my arms. For a moment we just stayed like that, and I could imagine no finer feeling. To be entwined with Katie was simply the most beautiful sensation there could be. Or so I thought. That was until she began the delicious motion that brought her body to rest on top of mine. Katie was straddling me, looking deep into my eyes, casually playing with strands of my hair.

"You're fucking beautiful, Effy," she told me, and I felt all the air leave my lungs before I could formulate a reply.

"I'm not going to leave you," she whispered, and her eyes seemed to start glowing with an unearthly luminance as she leaned down and kissed me fully on the lips. Like a light switch flipped in a room full of gas, my body exploded with sensation, and I opened my mouth to let her further in. No kiss had ever felt so sweet. This was so far beyond anything else in my experience that my brain struggled to process all the information my nerves were trying to send it.

"I fucking love you, Katie," I gasped the next time she let me up for air.

"I know," she replied.

Her eyes were fully glowing with golden light, and as she started to kiss her way down my neck, the glow extended until it enveloped her entire body. I watched as her wings started to grow out of her back. The more she tasted my flesh, the more they grew until they were large enough to wrap around us both. Katie came back up took my lips with hers again. I threw my arms around her neck, and thrust my body up against her beautiful form. She deepened this kiss, and I closed my eyes and gave myself to her completely. I had learned earlier that evening that I could trust her with my life. I felt the sensation of becoming weightless, and heard the sound of her feathers moving through the air, but I didn't break the kiss even though I knew we had begun to fly. Katie held me in her arms and brought me higher. I could feel the air start to cool around us, and I eventually let her pull away.

"I fucking love you too," she said as I looked out over the lights of the festival far below us.

"I know," I smiled, feeling her golden glow embrace me too, as I took her beautiful lips into another endless kiss.

.

.

.

Of course all of that only took place in my head. In the dump we call reality all I did was lay gurning on a beanbag until she made me take my sleeping pills and put me to bed.

In the morning I remembered both experiences with equal clarity, but I knew which one I was going to carry with me through the day, and probably for the rest of my life. For the first time ever, my sketchy relationship with perception had proved to be an advantage. Maybe being mental wasn't quite as bad as I had thought.


	8. 8 Paradise Waits

**A/N Hello again gentle readers. Thank you for all your very fabulous reviews and messages. Been back to hospital this week for an xray on my arm after which I was given the all clear by my doc to start swinging off stuff again. In fact he took pictures of my arm on his phone to show his mates. It would seem I am a success story. I asked him what I could do and he said 'You can do whatever you like.' Dangerous words doctor, dangerous words indeed.**

**This chapter goes out to Summer, cause she's kind of fabulous, and you should all be grateful, cause she encouraged me to get this chapter finished before running off for a wild weekend in Helsinki. To do whatever I like. Which may or may not involve a hot Finnish flying trapeze girl….**

**I don't own Skins, but I'd like to take it to Paradise (or Finland, whichever's closer..)**

**Just one word people, Antheeeaaaaa. Enjoy.**

8. Paradise Waits

Effy

I was outside Katie's caravan when Anthea found me. Actually pacing up and down outside her caravan, like one of them. Like one of the people who used to follow me round with hopeful puppy dog eyes when I was cool. God, if cool Effy could see me now she would laugh her fucking head off. Actually that would be a bit too much like showing emotion. No, she would have stared at me with her big blue smoky made up eyes, cocked her head to one side and murmured 'Sweet' in a way which would make it very difficult to ascertain whether she thought you were a beautiful fool or just an idiot. So which one was I, lurking outside her home like some kind of creepy stalker? Katie had decided to have an early night, and I was completely lost without her. I should have just taken my pills and gone to bed, after all I would have been out like a light in minutes. But it was Sunday night, the last night of the festival, and I didn't want to give it up. In a way it was Katie's fault (way to take responsibility for your own actions, Effy), but what she had given me this weekend was just too fucking precious to let go. She had given me a life. A life less extraordinary. A life where I could drink and dance and get a little high just like any other girl. A life where I could look forward to the days and nights ahead. A life without fear. It was fucking glorious, and I wanted more.

"Are you alright, Effy love?" Anthea's voice came to me across the darkness. To be honest I hadn't seen that much of her through the weekend. It seems I wasn't the only one who Katie had set free. Absolved of the burden of responsibility for her lunatic child, Anthea had been having a whale of a time. And good luck to her for it too. I was so over that grown ups shouldn't be allowed to have any faults or feelings phase. Having lived in its absence for so long, I was all up for anyone grabbing any bit of happiness they could find. And that included my mum.

"Katie's gone to bed," I said. "She was knackered after the show."

"I'm not surprised," grinned Anthea. "She's been doing an amazing job."

I was a little taken aback. I was so used to her heaping praise upon Emily, Naomi and Cook, I almost hadn't expected her to be keeping an eye on Katie too. But then again, she may not make it known, but Anthea notices everything. I mean, I had to have got it from somewhere, right?

"So you've lost your partner in crime?" she said sympathetically.

"Looks that way," I sighed.

"Well," said Anthea. "If you're at a loose end, and it's not too uncool, you could always keep your old mum company for a while."

I chuckled at her attempts to cheer me up by playing the traditional mother daughter role. In truth, it was a long time since Anthea had been anything approaching uncool. Since getting her shit back together, she had found something she loved, and was now one of the most hip and sought after directors in the country. Her reputation was starting to stretch across Europe too. If anything, she should be my fucking role model. She had experienced some of the same murky depths in which I resided, but she had dragged herself out of them, and was making fucking beautiful work. I asked her once what she believed in, since we had never been raised with any God. She told me she believed in Art and Love. Well her art was sensational and she had so much fucking love in her she had used it to save my life. Over and over again. She may be a foul mouthed chainsmoking drunk, but my mother was a fucking superhero. Of course I should have told her all of this, but then I've never been able to tell the truth about how I feel.

"Sounds like fun," was all I could manage, pathetic fucking loser that I was.

It was enough for Anthea to give me a solar flare of a smile. She took my hand, and together we headed of into the night.

After a couple of hours of fascinating random wanderings, we found ourselves in Shangri-La, one of the two main late night areas, with all kind of weird and wonderful bars, tents and bizarre creations littered around it's perimeter. The place was rammed of course, packed to the brim with all of Sunday night's lost souls trying to cram in that last bit of seductive mayhem, before heading back to the tedium of their lives tomorrow. Anthea wanted to head to the casino. It had been the new cool place to be for the past couple of years, but inevitably too many people had found out about it, and now it was almost impossible to get in past ten o'clock at night. Unless you are Anthea Stonem of course. She breezed right past all the hip young things in the queue, and bantered easily with the fantastically attired steampunks on the door. They waved her in without a moment's hesitation, but when I tried to follow I found my way blocked by some serious tits and attitude.

"I'm sorry darling," said a girl in a substantial corset. "You're gonna have to join the queue."

"It's ok, Mysti," Anthea assured her. "This is my daughter Effy."

The road block that was Mysti melted away and my VIP passage into trendy nirvana had been secured. By my mum.

"Don't worry about Mysti," assured Anthea. "She's a pussycat really. You should see her strip, it's quite spectacular."

"When did you see her strip?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh she's done a couple of shows for me at Cabaret Extreme," shrugged Anthea. "Mysti Valleys. Always goes down a storm. Now I think a bottle of champagne is in order, don't you think?"

I followed her meekly to the bar, barely able to contain my rising sense of inadequacy. It always used to be me that knew everybody, that could get into everything for free. I could only just cope with the fact that it was Katie who was the cool one with her finger on the pulse, but now I have to compete with fucking Anthea? Actually 'compete' was a little bit misleading, she already had me well and truly beat.

We found ourselves a spot on a sofa, and I started to enjoy myself watching all the freaks getting lairy whilst listening to Anthea mouthing off about some of the shows that she had seen. Of course none of them were as good as hers, in her not so humble opinion, but I just loved her confidence. I loved the way she had total belief in what she was doing. The tired and pale ghost of a woman who had lurked on our sofa in her dressing gown all day and barely left the house was long gone, to be replaced by this fiery hellion, this intellectual Amazon with more attitude than Mysti Valleys. They say we all turn out like our mothers in the end. That thought used to fill me with dread, now I think it might be rather fucking wonderful. I resolved to try and make her proud, to get better and do something with my life. Whoa, hang on a second, Effy. Was that ambition? What the fucking hell was Katie Fitch going to inspire in me next?

"So I said to her, anyone who does silks and organises it like that deserves to be shot at birth," expounded Anthea. "Honestly, rollerblades? I ask you."

The champagne was starting to give me a lovely buzz as I continued watching the antics of those who had left their inhibitions at the gate. There were all sorts of carryings on going on in there, and it was starting to make me a little bit horny. It was fucking ages since I'd had a shag, but Katie had made me feel all normal again, and with that feeling had come normal desires. I started to weigh up my options, there were certainly plenty of pretty enough people in here for my consideration, but somehow I kept finding myself comparing all of them to Katie, after which they took a significant drop in my estimation. Jesus, I was never going to gat laid at this rate. I couldn't have the girl that I wanted, so I was just going to have to get over myself, or get me to a nunnery. Mind you, Tony had dated an ex nun once, and the stories she told me about what they got up to would have merited several thousand Hail Mary's. I was just about to drag myself off the sofa to go on the prowl, when fate sent Venus as a Boy heading over in our direction.

Late twenties, early thirties, about six foot with short unruly brown hair and a gorgeous pair of brown eyes that positively shone with an enthusiasm for life. He had an athletic and muscular body, but nicely toned and not over pumped. He walked with confidence but not with swagger, and his clothes were cool without being pretentious. My assessment was made in an instant, he would most definitely do, the only question was how long to make him dance before I gave in. But he wasn't coming for me. For the second night in a row, the fittest guy in the room only had eyes for the person I was with. The closer he got to us the wider his beautiful smile became, but all the while he kept those liquid chocolate eyes fixed firmly on my mother.

"Anthea Stonem?" he asked almost reverently once he was finally stood before us.

"Guilty as charged," smiled Anthea. "And you are?"

Fuck me, she was flirting with him.

"I'm David," he replied. "I'm a trapeze artist from Cirque de L'Esprit."

Well this should prove interesting to say the least. That show was the one that Anthea had slagged off most of all. Her exact words were 'I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with a mascara wand than have to sit through that self indulgent drivel again.'

"Yeah, I saw that show," said Anthea with an evil grin.

"Shit, isn't it," replied David.

"A little antiseptic for my tastes," said Anthea. She was breaking him in gently.

"I swear, if they could find robots to replace us, they would."

"Luckily they don't make robots as pretty as you."

Ok there was no mistaking that. Anthea was definitely turning on the charm. I was going to look away in embarrassment, but I saw him blush slightly, and lower his eyes coyly. Jesus, he was up for it.

"I wish I could be in one of your shows," he said, telling her exactly what she wanted to hear. "I'm a huge fan. I saw the Equilibrium show last year and it totally blew me away. And the Abandon show here is just stupendous."

"Why thank you," replied Anthea, lapping up the attention.

"That bit where the tattooed boy dances almost made me cry, and the two doubles trapeze girls, well…. I don't think I've ever seen anything so powerful and sexy."

"They do seem to be enjoying their work," smirked Anthea.

"I take it they're a couple," said David.

"Not yet," replied Anthea.

"Wow, I would have sworn that they were together."

"They will be," I interjected. "They're going to become lovers, and when they do the heavens themselves will shudder from the impact."

David whirled around and looked startled as if seeing me for the first time.

"My daughter, Effy," Anthea explained.

"Nice to meet you," smiled David, but his eyes only lingered on me for a second. This boy really was all about Anthea.

"You don't look old enough to have such a grown up daughter," he told her.

"Fuck's sake boy, you don't have to lay it on that thick. I do find you shaggable," laughed Anthea raucously. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's go and have a dance."

I quickly got bored of watching handsome sweet confident David putting the moves on my mother. Strangely enough, I wasn't jealous. Like I said, I think she deserved every bit of happiness she could grab. And the more I watched him, the more the same three words kept running through my head. He's not Katie. At this rate I was going to have to give up on sex altogether. Would it be such a bad thing? I only ever used it to anaesthetise myself anyway. Spending time in Katie's celestial glow was actually making me better. Surely that was more valuable than the temporary band aid of a shag. Anthea and David were kissing on the dancefloor now. It was time to get out of their way. Time to go home and take my pills like a good girl.

I went to tell Anthea I was off, and once I had convinced her I would be ok getting home on my own, I left her in the arms of her man. I almost made it to the door, before a familiar voice cut into my intention.

"Effy, oh wow, how wonderful," said Cassie, throwing her arms around my neck. "You have to come with me, I've got something beautiful to show you."

I never could resist a beautiful thing. Cassie took me by the hand and led me towards the back of the tent, and we walked straight towards a fabric hanging on the wall. All done out in multicoloured swirls and with a few deep and meaningful hippy sayings on it, it was kind of cool, but not what I'd call beautiful. Cassie kept walking towards a panel with the words 'Paradise Waits For Those Brave Enough To Try' written on it.

"Brave enough to try?" smiled Cassie.

For a moment I transformed back into the girl I once was. The girl who was brave enough to try anything.

"Always," I smirked back at her. Fuck, I missed myself sometimes.

Cassie lifted back the flap of fabric to reveal a canvas tunnel leading out of the back of the tent, beautifully illuminated with multicoloured lights and more hangings. She smiled and took my hand, leading me in and letting the fabric drop behind us concealing the evidence of our passage. At the end of the tunnel we were met by a gorgeous woman with auburn dreadlocks wearing an emerald green ball gown.

"Hey there, Cassie," she smiled. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Effy. We've known each other since we were kids. Are we alright to come in?"

The redhead head eyed me up and down appreciatively.

"I can always find room for a beautiful lady," she purred seductively, holding aside a bead curtain for us to pass. "Welcome to Paradise."

Inside was the most sumptuously decorated tent I have ever seen in my life. Sofas and beds lined the walls which were decorated by beautiful hand painted hangings. There were fairy lights and huge pot plants everywhere. In one corner stood a generously stocked cocktail bar, and in the centre an illuminated dancing fountain. The DJ was playing super hip Electro Swing, and a VJ was mixing up fabulous images from the twenties and thirties. And all around the most amazingly good looking bright young things were chattering, laughing and dancing as they sipped on their cocktails and sniffed at their drugs. Everybody was fucked up, but in the most delightful way. There was none of the usual lairyness. Everyone was happy, knowing that they were in the social hub of the universe. I breathed in the wonderful atmosphere. It was somehow made all the more special by the thought that it would all disappear tomorrow, but I was hit with a tinge of sadness that I hadn't discovered it sooner. I wished I could have brought Katie here, she would have loved it. For a moment I even contemplated ringing her and waking her up, but Cassie dragged me onto the dance floor and the moment was lost.

I danced for ages, losing myself in the music, and drifting between beautiful girls and beautiful boys, getting high just from the general mood of the company I was keeping and the gorgeousness of my environment. All of a sudden, I don't know quite how, the gorgeous dreadlock chick from earlier was by my side. Sneaking up on people was usually my trick, but I didn't mind. I made no efforts to stop her as she wrapped her hands around my back and began to pull me closer.

"Hey there, Sexy Effy. Cassie said I should give you this," she whispered in my ear.

I pulled back to see what it was she was going to give me, and I felt her lips slip sweetly onto mine. Welcome to fucking paradise indeed. I opened my mouth to let her in, and the gorgeous sensation of easy lust washed over me. Her hands started roaming down towards my ass, and I wanted to taste her tongue inside me. She obliged, deepening the kiss, and that's when I felt it, the foreign object she was holding for me. A fucking pill. The standard alarm bells started ringing in my head, but I pushed them aside. This woman was fucking hot, and this night was electric with possibility. Either way you care to define the word, I needed to get fucked. Paradise waits for those brave enough to try.

I took the pill from her, and a lot more besides, tangling my hands into her gorgeous dreads keeping her mouth on mine for as long as I could until we needed to breathe.

"The pill was from Cassie, the kiss was from me," she said, fixing me with sexy green eyes that matched her dress.

"Both are much appreciated," I smiled back at her.

"Well in that case…"

She lured me back into another luxurious kiss. I went willingly. I may not have left all my inhibitions at the gate, but I was willing to abandon them here in paradise with….

"Amy," my emerald princess murmured into my mouth. "Just in case you were interested."

Hell yeah, I was interested. I was a real girl again, even without my guardian angel. I pushed my thoughts of Katie aside, this was a much better solution. Keep her as a friend and enjoy uncomplicated sex with Amy. My new found lover seemed quite happy with that arrangement. She bought me champagne cocktails. She danced close with me, letting her hands slip up inside my top and running her nails across my back. She invited me in for more of those opulent kisses. I looked around to check on Cassie, only to discover her coming back into the tent hand in hand with a cute boy in a trilby, and wearing a just fucked smile. A smile I was hoping to be wearing soon, but Amy seemed to want to seduce me and I was more than happy to let her. The pill was starting to kick in and her lavish attentions were all the more sensual under its influence.

We bagged ourselves a spot on one of the beds and indulged ourselves with what was once laughingly known as 'heavy petting'. Beautiful high, beautiful girl and the promise of beautiful sex to come. Things were looking up for our heroine. It was just as I was starting to get seriously interested in what was underneath that ball gown, that I began to feel the first rumblings of disquiet. It started with a physical sensation, as if I couldn't quiet connect with my body. My limbs were still attached, but somehow I couldn't quite control them to my satisfaction. The music started to morph from a version on celestial communication to something more invasive and unpleasant. I broke away from Amy in effort to get a grip on myself. There was no way I wanted to descend into the gloom right now, it wasn't fucking fair.

"Are you OK?" came Amy's concerned voice. It sounded like she was talking through treacle.

I tried to look at her, but it was hard to focus. I cursed my stupid fucked up fucking brain and whatever nightmare it was trying to send me into now. This shouldn't be happening, I was in fucking Paradise for Christ's sake. My brain responded to the insults by giving me a moment's clarity.

"Where did Cassie get those pills?" I asked Amy.

"I don't know Babe," she replied. "Just some random I think."

It was then that I knew. I flashed through the symptoms in my head. I had felt this shit before. These pills had been cut. With fucking ketamine. Fuck. I had to get out of there.

"I'm sorry, I've got to go…" I stuttered, pushing Amy back down onto the bed when she tried to follow me. I was struggling with the effects of the drug, but I knew that if I wasn't delusional now, I soon would be. I didn't want her to see me like that. I wanted her to remember Sexy Effy, not the screaming headcase I was about to become, convinced that she was an alien from the planet Zarg intent on harvesting my DNA so her kind could take over the universe or some such shit. Fucking Cassie. Fucking ket. And where was Katie Fucking Fitch when I needed her?

I stumbled out of the nearest fire exit. I had to get fucking home. This fucking shit could send me over an edge there was no climbing back from. Stupid fucking Effy, always check your source. That's rule number fucking one. Always check your source. My legs weren't working properly and I tripped over my own feet, stumbling to the ground. How the fuck was I going to make it back to camp in time? I felt like a sodding werewolf at sunset on the full moon. I knew the change was coming but there was fuck all I could do about it. I felt in the pocket of my jeans for my phone. I needed a hero. If I could just get hold of Katie she would come and rescue me. I sat cross legged in the dirt and stared helplessly at the screen. I couldn't remember how to make the fucking thing work. I started stabbing aggressively at random icons, hoping against hope that one of them would lead me to my saviour. No such fucking luck. I threw the stupid object to the ground in frustration, and looked up to see a body staggering towards me. Cassie. At least I think it was Cassie, it was sufficiently Cassie shaped to lead me to believe it was her.

"Why did you give me ket, Cass?" I wailed at her.

"I didn't know," she sobbed. "I didn't know."

"You have to get me home before I lose it. Like NOW," I said forcefully.

Somehow I pulled myself to my feet. Just like in the movies, when the hero seems to suffer a fatal blow, only to drag themselves to their feet again to the strains of stirring music to continue the fight. I was going to have to be my own hero tonight. I didn't know where I was getting this strength from. Fuck that, yes I did. In former times I would have given up, too tired and scared to face the storm. But my mind was still sharp enough to recognise the difference between then and now. A girl called Katie who loved me. My anchor. A girl who gave me the will to fight. To show her I was worthy. I took several deep breaths and set my mind to get to her. She would sort me out. The vision of her, arms folded, her sarcastic voice telling me what a tit I was cleared my head for long enough to remember which way was home. I set off with grim determination, dragging Cassie in my wake. The mental leading the crazy, leaving Paradise to plunge head first into chaos.

**Right then, what does one pack for Finland at this time of year….wooly hat? Lemons? Tequilaaaaaaaa?**


	9. 9 Just Like When We're Flying

**A/N Well Finland was wild, and when I say wild I mean full on Cook,' Let's get fucking mental' wild. Whoever it was that told me to pack tequila – good call. New job is excellent, and I'm swinging and climbing on stuff, and I am happy. This one goes out to EsDiferente in honour of her Sunday morning readathon, and all the lovely comments. Ta luv.**

**Writing this chapter gave me super big love for Katie Fitch, that girl is truly a legend.**

**I don't own Skins, but if it was freaking out on ket, I'd come and rescue it.**

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9. Just Like When We're Flying

Katie

"What the actual fucking fuck, Emily?" I yelled as felt myself being dragged from my beauty sleep by a vigorous shaking in the middle of the night. "Are you naturally stupid or did you just leave your brain somewhere up Shayna's fanny?"

When I finished my tirade I was greeted not by a shitfaced Emily as I has expected, but by a rather shell shocked Naomi. It took her a couple of seconds to gather her wits in the face of my aggression, but when she did so she tore my world apart.

"We have to go now," she said. "Effy's in trouble."

I didn't even think. I just threw on the nearest clothes I could lay my hands on and was out of the door in seconds.

"What's happened? Where is she?" I questioned Naomi as we raced across the circus field and up the hill.

"I don't know much," she replied. "I just got some crazy phone call from Cassie. She was crying and freaking out. I couldn't get much sense out of her. All I know is that they're up in Trash City and Effy's in a bad way."

It's not often that I break into a run. I don't find that it goes too well with my usual choice of shoes and outfits. But I launched myself into a full on sprint right then. Even though her legs were twice as long as mine, Naomi was having trouble keeping up. Trash City for fuck's sake, what a place to choose to stage a breakdown. I know Effy has trouble with sensory overload. If she gets too much stimulation when she's not well she starts to get confused and her brain can't keep everything in order. But the place she was in was designed to send even a regular average brain into meltdown. It was there to give the weekenders a taste of the darkness. Pumping music, glaring lights, freaky junk sculptures made from cut up bits of cars and aeroplanes and shit, wild indulgent fire shows and crazy performers in fantastic fetish style costumes. This is where the normal people went to take their little walk on the wild side, for Effy it would be all fucking seven of the circles of hell. I was scared but I couldn't let it show. I had to find her. I had to save her. I had to bring her back into the light.

When we got to Trash City the place was still rammed and most of the people there were munted. It took us fucking ages to find Cassie and all the time my heart was nearly beating out of my chest. All I could think about was how fucking scared Effy had been the night of the skeleton monsters. I couldn't bear the thought of her lost and freaking out again experiencing God knows what devils her mind had conjured up for her this time. All I wanted was to take her in my arms and make it all right again. But what if we were too late? I pushed through the crowds with an even greater urgency, cursing myself for being so fucking small, until Naomi spotted Cassie sitting shaking on a rough cut wooden bench. She looked like fucking shit, all wide staring eyes and mascara all over her face. She was sobbing and clinging to herself, shivering from the cold and whatever bullshit drugs they'd been taking. If this was what it did to Cassie, what the fuck was it doing to Eff? Naomi very wisely took Cassie under her arm and got her to lead us to Effy, shielding her away from my anger. She took us over to this enormous metal sculpture and looked up towards its massive frame reaching up into the night sky. Right near the top almost fifteen metres up I caught site of what looked like Effy's legs poking out from one of the recesses. Oh God, Babe, how the fuck did you get up there?

Acting on instinct I launched myself straight at the structure and started to climb. I vaguely heard some guy yelling at me, but I was fucked if I was going to stop and listen to him, my entire focus was to get to Effy as fast as possible. For the most part it was pretty easy to climb for a girl of my skills, and despite her slender frame, Effy had turned out to be quite the monkey. She liked to be off the ground, it made her feel safer. Effy's brain often magnified the feelings and sensations that the rest of us took for granted and one of those things was the idea that the bad things came from the ground or underneath it, and climbing was a way to escape. When I reached her, she was huddled inside the back end of an old mini, her arms wrapped round her legs in a protective gesture I had seen her adopt dozens of times before, and whispering away inaudibly to herself.

"Effy," I called to attract her attention. "It's me."

She raised her eyes, and the look of relief on her face was one of the most beautiful things I will ever see.

"My Angel," she cried, and flung herself into my arms.

Naomi had followed me up, but I gave her a warning look to let me handle it. The last thing I needed was for Effy to be any more scared than she was already. I nudged me and Eff back into the safety of the half mini so I could try to work out what the hell was going on.

"I knew you'd come for me," she said, holding me tight with as much of her body as it was physically possible to wrap round me.

"I'll always come for you," I promised hugging her just as tight.

"I tried to get home," she said anxiously, "but I couldn't make it back before it came."

"What came for you, babes?" I asked her in my warrior voice. "Just tell me and I'll fight it for you."

"Even you can't fight ketamine, Katie," she smiled at me.

Shit, was she lucid? Was it really just a case of bad drugs?

"I'm so sorry," she continued. "I did something really stupid. There was a girl, there was a pill, and I just wasn't being careful. It's badly cut, it's fucking horrible."

I shook my head to clear it, ashamed of the way I stopped concentrating after the sick feeling of dread that seized me when I heard the words 'there was a girl.'

"No monsters?" I asked cautiously.

Effy shook her head.

"How the hell did you climb up here?" I asked.

"I don't know," she replied, her empty blue eyes searching mine for an answer.

"It's not important," I assured her as I sensed a rising panic begin to grip her again. "Let's get you down from here and get you home."

I encouraged her towards the edge of the car and flipped my legs over the edge to begin our descent. I gestured for Effy to follow me, but she was rooted to the spot.

"What are we doing?" she asked me.

"We have to climb down so we can go home," I replied.

"Can't we fly?" she asked me with such sincerity it took a few moments to realise it was a joke.

"Nice one," I laughed. Sometimes she's just too clever by half. "Sorry hun, my wings are at the dry cleaners."

I held out a hand to help her out of the car and onto the upright structure.

"I can't go down there," she said with the same sincerity as before. "The ground keeps trying to swallow me."

Oh. No joke then. I was so fucking confused, I couldn't work out if Effy was with me or lost inside her head, but then again I don't think she could either. I decided to assume the worst and just take it if she came back at me with the sarcastic comments.

"We can't fly tonight, babes," I told her. "It's not allowed."

"Shit," she said seriously. "Does that mean we're stuck here?"

"No," I said forcefully. "I can protect you. As long as we keep in physical contact the ground won't be able to open up and take you."

"Just like when we're flying?" Effy asked hopefully.

What? When the fuck did we fly? I tried to conceal my shock. What other of Effy's delusions did I feature in? And how much was she hiding from me? I took a deep breath. None of that mattered now. What mattered was that she believed me when I told her I could keep her safe. What mattered was getting her down off this fucking tower. I looked back at her, hair all dishevelled, ripped tights and streaming make up. It was clear that she had been to a very bad place. That was what I knew, that was what I could understand. That was what I could cope with. I felt ashamed of myself for almost wishing her back in the terror, because this eerie fucking delusional calm was doing my head in. She seemed just like my sweet, smart, beautiful Effy, but I didn't know where the fuck her head was really at or what I could do to help her.

"Jesus, why are you so fucking calm?" I let slip in a breathy whisper.

Of course being Effy, she picked up on it straight away.

"Because you're here," she said, her blue eyes full of admiration and absolute trust. "Is it time to go now?"

My heart was doing little dances in my chest. How could I ever let this girl down when she believed in me so much?

"Yes, it's time to go now," I said, looking into her eyes and squeezing her hand for comfort.

I climbed down with her, making sure I kept some kind of contact with her at all times, more to reassure her I was there for her than because I was worried that she would fall. Effy climbed down easily, her long limbs readily finding parts of the structure I had to struggle to reach. It wasn't until we were on a platform just above the ground that she started to hesitate, and I felt her breathing starting to quicken. I saw a burly security guy lumbering towards us, and Effy shrank into my embrace, the fear returning to her eyes. But before I even had a chance to worry Naomi was all up in his face, barking at him like an angry Doberman.

"They need to get down from there," he said, attempting to maintain his tough guy persona.

"They're getting down, you fucking bonehead," she growled. "You need to get the fuck away from them right now and let them get on with it."

I know this wasn't the time for it, but I got an attack of the warm and fuzzies at the thought of her getting it on with Ems. This girl really looked after her own. She was going to make one hell of a sister-in-law.

"How's she doing?" Naomi asked me once she had seen off the yellowjacket. Effy was still clinging to me in that way that she has when can't quite cope with the world her brain has shown her. Truth was, I didn't know how to answer. She wasn't freaking out, but she certainly wasn't totally with us.

"I just need to get her out of here," I said honestly. How could I find Effy again amidst this bedlam?

"Come on, babes," I said to her. "Let's go home."

Those deadly blue eyes stared back at me questioningly, as if asking if I really wanted her to step onto the ground that threatened to swallow her. The responsibility was terrifying. She had so much trust in me, but what if my decision was wrong and it pushed her too far? I couldn't bear to lose her. Not now when she had come so far. I couldn't bear the thought of being the one that sent her back to the hospital. But when I looked back into those pleading azure eyes, I knew I had to be strong for her. I finally had to be as brave as Emily. I had to trust myself. For her. For Effy.

I pulled her to me and kissed her on the cheek. I jumped down off the platform and offered her my hand. I smiled at her confidently, pushing all my fears to the back of my mind. Showing her that Katie Fucking Fitch was the most powerful force in the universe, and the ground wouldn't even think about trying to open up and get all swallowy whilst I was in charge.

Effy took my hand and took a leap of faith. As soon as her feet landed on the ground, she stared around her wildly, checking for rifts in the fabric of the earth. When none appeared to be forthcoming either in her reality or ours, or even in the shady space in between, she breathed a sigh of relief. I signalled to Naomi to lead the way and we began the journey back to safety.

"Just keep hold of my hand, Eff," I said. "We'll be there in no time."

"Just like when we're flying?" she asked again.

"Yeah, just like when we're flying," I promised.

The road home passed quickly enough with Doberman Naomi clearing the way before us. I kept my attention on Effy and away from Cassie, in order to resist my natural urge to smack her one for getting my Effy into this mess, even though I hadn't heard the full story. I had never been so happy in my life to see the familiar outline of that bright red tent and the vehicles around it that had so quickly come to signify home. Who would have thought that me, Katie Fitch would have been so glad to see a fucking caravan. But Effy was all that mattered now, not me and my fake sense of self-importance.

"It's ok, you're safe now," I assured her, closing the door behind us. "This is my space. Nothing can hurt you here."

"My Angel," said Effy gratefully, sliding herself into my arms once more. I wasn't sure if she meant the winged flying kind or just the regular Katie kind. Either way I didn't care. I could feel her accelerated heartbeat thumping against her chest as I held her fragile body against mine. Even at her worst I loved her, and I loved the Katie that she made me want to be – strong, caring, powerful. A fucking angel in the dirt.

I drew Effy over to my bed, and sat up against the window as I cradled her in my arms.

"Anyone else in there?" I asked her my trademark question.

"Only you and me babe," she replied.

Moments later, she began to sob.

"I'm so sorry," she wept. "I tried so hard. I tried so hard to stay strong for you. When I felt it coming on, I tried to get back. It's like I knew what was happening, I knew what it would do to me, but I still had the power to fight it for a while. But then it got too much. I couldn't tell the difference between the drug and the delusion. I still can't. I should have fucking lost it completely, but something keeps me anchored to this world now, Katie, and that something is you. I'm probably just babbling right now, I don't even know if I'm making sense or not, but the thing is that I didn't give up. I fought it. I fought it for you. I know I'm still just a fucked up mental bucket, but you make me feel like a person, like a real girl. You have no idea how precious that feeling is to me."

It was all I could do to stop myself from crying too. Cause I knew exactly how precious that feeling was. If only there was a way to tell her, she made me feel like a real girl too.

A knock on the door made Effy jump, but it was only Anthea, concern and love burning in her eyes like a Saharan sun. I was hoping she would be able to shed some light on Effy's state of mind, but she seemed as surprised as I was at her daughter's apparent lucidity. She stoked Effy's hair as she lay in my arms offering profuse apologies for abandoning her over some bloke, with Effy apologising in return for giving in to temptation when she should know better. I almost joined in with the festival of regrets, blaming myself for encouraging Effy to make those small safe forays into drugs. But then I thought fuck no, that's not what Effy needs right now. She needs to know that it's ok to fail sometimes, and that sometimes it can even make us stronger.

"You two need to shut the fuck up with the blaming yourselves," I told them forcefully. "We're human, we make mistakes. It's what we do. What's wrong with wanting to have a shag, or get a little high? Fuck knows we deserve the few pleasures life throws our way. So what if things went a little haywire tonight? We have each other, and that way we'll be able to get through it. Yeah, you had an episode, Eff, but you were stronger through it, and you didn't let it break you like before. That means things are changing, and that's a good thing. We can't expect to do it all overnight, but every small step forward is a cause for celebration, ladies, cause we are fucking fabulous."

"You're right," said Effy, smiling. God, I would cross continents for that smile. Anthea looked at me like she didn't quite believe I was real.

""They broke the fucking mould when they made you, Katie Fitch," she said to me.

"Actually, they did make another copy," I grinned. "Small, red-headed, sex maniac, you know the one."

All three of us got a fit of the giggles and soon all our tears of anxiety were mixed with ones of joy.

"God, this was not what I expected to come home to after Cook came and found me," sighed Anthea. "I really thought I was going to lose you again, sweetheart."

"Katie saved me," stated Effy with absolute conviction.

"I think she might have just saved us both," said Anthea. "I need a fag. Are you coming for one, Eff?"

I felt Effy's arms squeeze fractionally tighter around me.

"I don't want to go out there," she said urgently.

"It's ok," I assured her quickly. "No-one's going to make you."

Anthea disappeared out of the door, leaving the two of us alone together.

"You need to rest," I said. "I should get your pills."

"I don't want to take them," Effy said, sitting up and looking me in the eye. "What if the ground comes to take me when I'm asleep? I won't be able to do anything about it."

I was about to answer when I heard the sounds of raised voices outside. I went to the window to see what as going on.

"What is it?" asked Effy fearfully. "Has it come to take me?"

I burst out laughing, but then quickly tried to stifle it. I didn't want Effy thinking I was laughing at her, but this was just way too funny.

"The only dangerous thing out there is your mum," I assured her. "She's just smacked Emily's girlfriend round the head, and now she's got her pinned against Cook's caravan."

"Let me see," said Effy, clambering towards the window, and together we watched the scene play itself out, as Anthea chased Shayna away from site. Effy's mum was on fire, and it made me wonder how Jenna would have coped if one of us had been ill like that. She could barely function with the fact that Emily was gay, how the fuck would she have coped with psychosis? Probably dumped us in the hospital and left us there to rot.

"I don't know what Emily sees in that fucksplash," growled Anthea.

"It won't be long now," said Effy. "Then all will be right with the world."

Anthea gave me a concerned glance over Effy's mysterious pronouncement, but I knew she was only speaking the truth. Coming soon, this summer's major blockbuster – Naomi Campbell and Emily Fitch in a tale of sex, romance and passion. The trailers were nearly over and it was time for the main feature – Hot Lesbian Circus Girls In Love.

Anthea had brought Effy her sleeping pills, but again she tried to resist taking them.

"I can't fall asleep out there," she protested. "My tent isn't strong enough to protect me."

"Yeah but I am," I promised her. "And you don't have to go out there. You can stay in here where it's safe, with me. I'll stay with you all night, and I won't let anything hurt you."

"Promise you won't let me go?"

"I promise."

Once again, I listened to her breathing as she slid from consciousness into drug induced relaxation, but this time I did so with her body wrapped tightly around mine. It wasn't hard to keep my promise, right then I never wanted to let her go, this beautiful girl who was bringing me back to life. I know I was supposed to be her guardian, but that precious connection I kept through the night was just as vital for me as for the wounded soul in my care. That was the first night I slept with Effy Stonem in my arms. Even the simple proximity of her sleeping form fed me from within. I felt full of light and love. Just like when we're flying.

.

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**Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it ...KATIE FUCKING FITCH!**


	10. 10 If I Could Only Find A Rock To Cling

10. If I Could Only Find A Rock To Cling To

Effy

I had seen it coming for days. Hovering over us like a dark cloud that was threatening to release a torrent of rain. You didn't even have to have special visionary powers to see that one coming. I am amazed she had managed to restrain herself this long. It must have been killing her. But bless her she had kept quiet for my sake, watching me as she always did, making sure I was ok, always putting my needs before her own. But finally the pressure had just gotten too much, and the unspoken question that had been plaguing her ever since that night at Glastonbury forced its way onto her lips.

"So," said Anthea cautiously. "What's going on with you and Katie?"

Good question, Anthea, good question.

"We're friends," I replied coolly.

Anthea merely raised her eyebrows at me and waited for me to 'fess up. One disadvantage of having your mother save you from suicide and see you through the depths of madness, there was no fooling her. She knew everything about me. When I was young she used to run from me, too scared of what she might find if she looked too closely, but now she wanted to know every bit of me, even my fears and my darkest nightmares. She never gave up hope for me, always optimistic that someday we would find some way for me to have a happy life. Even when my own cynicism scoffed at such possibilities, Anthea never stopped trying. After all her dedication, she at least deserved the truth.

The problem was how to determine the truth. I was still so confused after the turbulence of the last week. It was hard to tell apart the things that resonated in the small confines of general purpose reality and those that found their home in the more liberal parameters of Effyland.

**Things I knew for certain.**

Katie Fitch is a Goddess in human form.

She makes me feel things I never thought I'd be able to feel again

Her presence is actively changing my life for the better

I can be stronger when she is around

She cares about me

She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen

I love her

**Things that might prove a little bit more difficult for others to accept**

She can fly

She has the ability to fight demons

She is my personal angel sent here to protect me from the darkness

Sometimes she glows

She loves me as much as I love her and she will never leave me

She kissed me

She kissed me

She kissed me

.

.

"Still with us, sweetheart?" asked Anthea gently, stroking my hair affectionately. I knew she would give me all the time I needed. She might be a bit of a fearsome tyrant in her work, but when it came to me she had the patience of a saint. She was going to need it. For me to explain me and Katie to her I was going to have to understand it myself. One thing above all others was absolutely vital, I had to convince Anthea to let me rejoin Circus Abandon when Katie and Emily came back from their corporate gig in Dubai. There was no fucking way I could live without my angel.

When I woke in her arms that Monday morning in Glastonbury, it was probably the happiest moment of my life. I was all wrapped up in Fitch, and this time it was the right Fitch. The smell of her, the heat of her body washing over me, the feel of her soft skin next to mine. It was fucking paradise. She had come to rescue me from the darkness, and taken me back to heaven. Ok, so a four berth beige coloured caravan in a noisy field in Somerset might not be everyone's idea of heaven, but for me anywhere would be heaven with Katie Fitch. I stayed as till as I could as I waited to find out which form of consciousness I was returning to, praying it would be one where she wouldn't get up and abandon me. If I could just stay in her embrace a little while longer every thing would be all right. Slowly the events of the night before came creeping back to me. My mum and the trapeze boy, finding paradise, kissing Amy, the pill. Shit, Amy. She was hot, she was charming, and she was very, very fuckable so why did my heart shrink when I thought about her? I enjoyed it, I know I enjoyed it at the time. In my head it made perfect sense. I should just fuck other people for pleasure, and get to keep my friendship with Katie intact. But my heart was crying at what I'd done. I felt like I had betrayed my Katie, and what was worse was I think I'd told her about it.

I lay there paralysed, needing the contact with Katie too much to risk moving and waking her, as I forced my weary brain to try to remember what happened after that. The recollection simultaneously freaked me out and gave me hope. I had recognised the symptoms of the ket pretty much as soon as they had hit me, and I had a fairly good idea of where I was headed, but somehow I had managed to keep some sense of detachment from the delusions that I knew would follow. I had forced my heavy limbs to drag me towards home, and even after I felt that the earth was trying to swallow me, I somehow found the strength to fight it. I held out for as long as I could, the image of my beautiful saviour providing a counterbalance for my fear, but eventually the pull of the storm became to strong for me. I still have no fucking idea how I got up that fucking sculpture when moments before I could barely fucking walk, but somewhere in the back of my head was the thought that if I could only find a rock to cling to, then lifeboat Katie would come and find me before I was swept away completely.

When I was hiding in that car, I closed down all my thoughts into one single magnificent perception. Katie. Katie. Katie. Fuck knows how long it was but it seemed like only moments before suddenly she was there, holding out her arms for me to run to. It was then that I experienced the strangest of sensations as multiple realities began to play themselves out before me. I knew that the earth was trying to eat me, but I also know that I had just taken a dodgy pill. I knew that Katie was just a girl who was trying to be kind to me, but I also knew that she was fucking superhuman. It was as if delusion and reality were co-existing in different halves of my brain. Had I just become a little bit crazier, or a little bit more sane? Blazing through both realities was a single unifying force, and either way she was going to save my skinny mental ass whether I deserved it or not.

I felt Katie stirring and knew there was no way to postpone the inevitable. She was lying on her back with her arm around me and I was curled right into her, our legs and hair entwined in a delicious tangle of precious connection. Much to my surprise she didn't pull away as she awoke, but continued to let me savour the embrace.

"Anyone else in there?" she asked me sleepily in what was fast becoming our private ritual.

"Only you and me, babe," I assured her.

"That's a relief," she grinned. "I wasn't really planning on a gangbang."

The sound of my uncontrollable laughter woke Anthea from her slumbers. Even half asleep, Katie's sarcastic humour was razor sharp. Perhaps this was why she kept me coming back for her, Katie's reality was simply so much more attractive than any other.

The rest of the day mostly consisted of drinking tea and watching the deconstruction of our tent from the safety of the caravan window, whilst Katie read next to me. She had gone out to help with tent down, after assuring me she wouldn't stray from earshot, only to be sent back moments later by Naomi telling her to stay and look after me. Katie let me have my silence, allowing me to bask in her comforting presence without bombarding me with questions. Every so often she would touch me lightly, her hand grazing my arm, my back or my shoulder offering me quiet reassurance. I tried to imagine the times when I was terrified of her, but found that I couldn't even remember what that felt like. Now her presence was my harbour. Her strength was nothing but a beautiful cosmic force radiating energy just for me. I loved the way she understood me, how she always seemed to know just what I needed, and how she freely gave so generously of herself. No wonder I was fucking falling in love with her.

One by one the others had come in to see me, keen to check if I was ok, but also wary of tiring me out. Even Freddie, bless him, who was clearly still very scared of Katie, and remembering they way they cared reminded me just how important it was that I could find my way back to them. The first stage was being totally honest with Anthea. She would be able to tell if I was faking it.

"I love her," I stated in reply to Anthea's earlier question.

"And does she feel the same way about you?" asked my mum.

"She cares about me,"

"But you want more?"

"I can't want more," I sighed. "Katie's the most heterosexual girl on the planet. She's already told me she will never fall in love with me. It's better this way. What she gives me is way too precious to fuck it up with sex."

"What does she give you?"

"Peace," I said gratefully. "She's stronger than the voices. It's quieter when she's around."

"Does she scare them into submission?" laughed Anthea.

"Something like that," I giggled.

Anthea stubbed out her fag, and folded me into a warm maternal embrace.

"Be careful, sweetheart," she told me. "I don't want to see you get hurt."

"She would never hurt me," I said confidently.

"Maybe not on purpose, Effy," countered Anthea. "But she's a good looking girl. She's going to meet someone sometime, and that's bound to affect things between you."

"I know," I said trying to appear grown up and sensible, and to ignore the stabbing pain in my chest that that very thought engendered. Ironically, if anyone could teach me how to be strong enough to handle it, it would be Katie herself. I smiled at the paradox, and decided to gain revenge on my mother.

"So what about you and David?" I asked her.

"Fuck, he's sexy," smirked Anthea. "And it was all going swimmingly until someone decided to swallow horse tranquilisers and have an episode."

I knew she was teasing me fondly, taking the piss to let me know it was alright, but I still felt guilty for cockblocking my Mum, cause she was right. He was ridiculously sexy.

"I'm sorry for fucking up your life," I said, putting far more meaning into it than just the loss of a casual shag.

"Like I've never fucked up yours," she said lovingly, kissing me on the forehead.

She left it at that. We had made a pact not to speak about how guilty she felt about not being there for me the first time I was heading into madness. I had assured her time and again that she had more than made up for it since given that she had saved my life. Twice.

"Besides," she grinned, "I've got his number. Their show is coming to London next month and that boy is going to get a right royal seeing to."

Have I ever mentioned that my mother's a fucking legend?

.

.

.

Three days later and I was skipping round the departure lounge at Heathrow like a demented puppy. Yes, I Effy Stonem, queen of cool openly giving off more emotion than backstage at an X Factor Saturday Night sing-off. Katie had phoned me several times from Dubai and had happily talked at me for ages despite my protestations at the cost. She said money didn't matter where I was concerned, and she seemed genuinely overjoyed when I told her Anthea had given me the all clear to join them at the next Abandon gig in Scotland. I had decided not to worry about being careful that day, and just allow myself to be happy to see her. And I was fucking excited about the thought of seeing her. I had made Anthea drive me to the airport ridiculously early, and I had forced her to leave me so I could go through security to where I could meet Naomi and Emily coming through from their transfer. It was stupid, I know. It wasn't like their plane was going to get there early, but I can't remember ever having this much energy and enthusiasm for something coursing through my veins since before I went into hospital, and there was simply no containing it.

If I ruled the world, airports would be filled with chill out rooms awash with cushions. There would be mood lighting and places to sleep and get a shiatsu. Somewhere you could go and smoke a spliff in peace, and a way to get outside and have some fresh air. The cafes would sell delicious home-cooked food, and there would be loads of places to charge your phone. Wireless internet would be free, and instead of the hard cold seating there would be soft comfy sofas for you to lounge on whilst you checked your emails or dicked about on Facebook. Everything about the place would be set up to help you relax whilst you waited for your onward journey. But this wasn't Effyland and I was stuck with harsh glaring lighting and temples to retail indulgence in which to pass my time. The lack of smoking opportunities was making me edgy, and I succumbed to the temptation of the shops. Most of it was useless crap I wouldn't want in my life, but as I found my eyes drifting over the gossip magazines I would never normally give a second glance to, found myself buying a couple for Katie as I knew she liked them so much. I could see her image in my mind's eye, flicking idly through some article on why so and so couldn't keep a man.

"Everyone needs a way to switch their brain off from the cares of the day," she had said to me one day. "You should try it."

Well now I had a sure fire way to leave all my troubles behind. I would empty my mind of everything but Katie Fitch. I wandered around the stores some more until I found myself in a jewellery section. Most of it was too hideous to contemplate, but then I noticed a beautiful delicate white gold chain with a pendant in the shape of a Moebius strip. It was simple, elegant and gorgeous and I knew in an instant that I wanted her to have it. I looked at the not insignificant price. Was it too much? Would it send out the wrong signals? Fuck it, I didn't care. Without Katie I'd probably be back on the funny farm by now. She deserved it. Even the infinity symbol seemed appropriate, because I never wanted to lose her from my life.

Forty-five minutes later I heard my name being squealed in a high pitched voice, and turned round to see Katie clattering towards me in a pair of ridiculous (but extremely sexy) shoes, the sound of her heels resonating throughout the whole terminal, whilst Emily trailed along behind. For a moment I had a vision of the pair of them in their early teenage years, Katie demanding all the attention and Emily following along in her shadow. But all thoughts of Emily were swept aside as Katie launched herself at me and enveloped me in a huge hug. I've never been that much of a hugger, but with Katie you don't exactly get much choice. Once a Fitch sets her sights on you, you are doomed.

"How are you doing, babes?" she said, releasing me from the titanic embrace just enough so she could look me in the eyes.

"Pretty much mostly in the here and now," I told her, adrenalin washing over me in waves. I hadn't realised just how much I had missed her touch.

We grabbed takeaway coffees and headed of towards our gate. Katie calmed down pretty quickly and was happy just to sit next to me, flicking through the magazines I'd got her, and chatting away about Dubai at the same time, but Emily was agitated and restless alternating between pacing up and down and then staring out the window at the planes, her face glued to the glass.

"Emily seems jumpy," I observed.

"That's cause she's got chillies in her pants," smirked Katie. "You should have seen her in Dubai, all pining and moping like a lovesick schoolgirl. You'd think she'd never been in love before."

"For Shayna?" I posed, even though I knew it wasn't true.

"Yeah right," scoffed Katie, instantly seeing through my charade. "Shayna got dumped the night we got back to your mum's after Glasto. She turned up at the airport next morning trying to get Em's back, but Ems told her where to shove it, thank God. She wouldn't let me smack her one though, I really wanted to after the things she said about you."

"Yeah well, I think my mum had that one covered," I laughed. I sniggered at the thought of how two such fearsome women had become my self-appointed bodyguards, ready to jump into action at the merest hint of a slight against my character. I just wished I could find a way to repay them for such spectacular devotion. The only way I could think of was to stop being such a useless fuck and try and get my life back. Emily was drumming her fingers against the window pane, oblivious to the dirty looks she was getting from the other passengers. Her eyes were glued to our plane, as if she were trying to bend space and time with only the power of her mind, and make it ready for boarding right now. I could hardly blame her, she was blazing. The heat of her sun was scorching away at fifteen million degrees, and the gravitational force pulling her towards her partner was powerful enough to crush a lesser being. Even from five hundred miles away I could feel Naomi dragging Emily relentlessly into her orbit. Not long now.

"About fucking time," Emily grumbled as they started to announce the boarding and we stood up and gathered our things. The twins had seats together whilst mine was further down the plane, but Emily offered hers up to me so I could be with Katie.

"Are you sure?" I asked her.

"I've just spent a week shacked up in a hotel room with her," she replied. "I do love her, but enough is enough. I don't think I can take much more of that stupid grin. I'm not used to seeing Katie this happy."

I suffered an infestation of butterflies at the thought that 'that stupid grin' might have something to do with me. Katie held my hand throughout take off.

"I just fucking love this bit," she smiled at me. "I just love the speed of it and the G-force. No matter how much I travel, it never gets old."

I could say the same thing about you, I thought. Being round Katie was like being in a permanent state of take off. The speed, the G-force, the thrill. Without thinking I whipped out the present I'd bought her.

"I got you something," I said, nervously handing over the gift wrapped package. "I just saw it and it made me think of you."

Katie's eyes lit up as she took the gift. I felt suddenly stupid. She was probably well used to guys buying her expensive stuff to try to win her over. This probably wasn't that special to her at all.

"Oh my God, Eff," she exclaimed, as she picked the necklace out of the box. "It's fucking beautiful. Fuck me, this is fucking amazing. Thank you, babes, though I don't know what I've done to deserve it."

I found myself growing embarrassed at her effusive gratitude, and tried to play down its significance, even though my heart was screaming 'Of course you deserve it. You deserve it just for being fucking you.'

"Well, you know, I was just browsing and I saw it and that," I mumbled.

"I love it," said Katie, fixing the chain around her neck.

She reached down under the seat in front and rescued her handbag.

"Good job I brought you something back from Dubai then," she smirked.

She handed me a small bag that looked like it came from an expensive store.

"For me?" I said incredulously.

"No, for fucking kilt man," she said sarcastically. "Of course it's for you, dumbass."

I pulled an object wrapped in tissue from the back and began to unwrap it. It was an amazing silver bracelet formed from the figures of two sleeping angels. The craftsmanship was incredible, and I turned it over and over in my hands, marvelling at the detail.

"Now even when I can't be there, you'll know I'm always with you," smiled Katie.

"It's wonderful," I stuttered. "And perfect. Where did you find such a thing?"

"Hmmm, let's think," said Katie. "Where have I been? Swindon on a wet Monday afternoon? No. An Antarctic expedition with nothing around me but a thousand miles of ice? No. Dubai, shopping capital of the Middle East? Ah yes, that must be it."

"Fuck you, Katie Fitch," I smirked at her, secretly loving her for cutting through the emotion of the moment and giving me an out.

"Fuck you right back, Stonem," said Katie.

"You wouldn't know where to start," I teased her.

"You wouldn't know how to stop," she countered quickly. Fuck, she's sharp. All I could do was fix her with one of my special looks.

"I've told you, the Death Glare doesn't work on me Madame Mystery," she scoffed. "I can see right through you."

God, I hope not. Otherwise she would be able to see just how right she was. Even if I ever got just the slightest chance to be with her, I wouldn't know how to stop.


	11. 11 The Absence Of Perfection

**A/N Well hello there my lovelies. It's been a hectic week, driving the length of the country, teaching people how to fly and crawling about on truss rigging endless amounts of equipment for a new show. The fruits of my labours have not only brought me bruised thighs and a free hat, but also enough moolah to buy a shiny new macbook pro, which is currently staring at me from across the room as I promised myself I wouldn't even get it out of the box until I had finished and posted this chapter. That's how much I love you people. So please enjoy my latest offering whilst I go and wallow in geek heaven. Oh yeah, and for those of you who enjoy the game, there's a sneaky little Buffy reference in there for ya.**

**This one goes out to all my ladies with the broken bones. Solidairty sisters.**

**I don't own skins, but I love it even though it isn't perfect**

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11. The Absence Of Perfection.

Katie

.

"Spread your legs, Babe," I told her. "No, wider, and thrust your hips forward, yeah?"

"And then what?" asked Effy nervously.

"You know what," I said firmly. "You've seen Emily do it dozens of times."

"I can't," said Effy.

"Yes you can, Hun. You wanted this. This is what you asked for, remember?"

"I'm scared."

"I know, but the longer you wait around, the worse it's going to get. You've just got to go for it. Dive down there, and believe you're going to do it. Have a little faith in yourself, I do."

Effy looked down at me with panic in her eyes, she really was very scared. Well tough shit. I wasn't going to let her back out of this now.

"Just keep your legs strong and wide, and take your arms out over your head," I told her. "You will catch the silk, I promise you."

I looked at her hanging there in mid air, the silks wrapped around her thighs, hands holding on high above her head, preparing to fall forwards and catch the silks below her which would flip her right over and bring her back to sitting. Would it be kinder to let her fail, or to give her the chance to be brave?

"Do it for me, Babes," I said quietly.

That was enough. She took a breath and let go, her body pivoting through space as she held herself perfectly and let the momentum take her forwards to catch the silks and right back up again. As soon as she realised she was safe, she burst out laughing.

"Fuck me," she said once she had managed to control her endorphin fuelled release. "That was amazing. Can I do it again?"

We were parked up at some posh bastard's big old country mansion somewhere in the middle of fucking nowhere in Scotland, where some pissing fucking gale force winds had nearly blown the sodding tent away. Poor Naomi had gotten fully whacked on the head by a tent pole thanks to that 'Dude, where's my brain' fucking idiot Freddie. Mind you, you would've thought he'd managed to clock Emily to the way she zoned out on us afterwards. I thought she was going to go into catatonic shock when they took her girlfriend away in that ambulance. Shit, keep doing that. Naomi's not actually her girlfriend yet. Wish they would hurry the fuck up and get on with it. Effy assures me that it's only a matter of time, and Effy is always right. Still, I had to do something to snap my sister out of it. Thomas wasn't getting through to her at all.

"Oi Emily, you dozy cunt," I said, giving her a shove. "What the fuck?"

I knew it was serious when she didn't turn on me in fury and tell me to shove it up my tits. Time for another tactic.

"What would _she_ want you to do?" I whispered right into her ear. "Stand about like a lemon, or..?"

"Stop moping and get the fucking tent fixed," replied Ems, snapping herself out of it in seconds at the thought of disappointing her woman. I'd wear Primark before I'd ever let her know, but it actually made me feel quite soppy. If even 'Rebel Without A Conscience' Emily Fitch can be tamed, you've gotta kinda believe in love. For the first time since that cunt Brian dumped me, I actually thought about the concept of love without the steel emergency doors around my heart slamming shut on automatic. For the first time in forever, I actually felt a glimmer of optimism that I might actually be able to find love again. Or even just get laid. I hadn't had any cock in ages, and the only person I'd even shared a bed since we came away on this tour was Effy.

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Effy. I felt a little shiver run down my spine, at the thought of how nice it felt when I slept next to her. She didn't fart, she didn't snore, and she didn't smell. Well obviously, she smelt, but she smelt beautiful. And her breath. I just loved the rhythm of her breathing. I knew it was just the drugs she took to sleep, but she always seemed so peaceful, and I felt it reaching out into me. Even though I was supposed to be looking after her, I always awoke refreshed when I'd been beside her in the night. I felt wanted and needed, but in a real, pure way. I felt a tremendous surge of guilt as I found myself almost wishing she would have another episode so that she would need me like that again. Fuck, maybe I should just ask her. I mean best friends sometimes just sleep together, don't they? You know like just for comfort, yeah? Everybody gets lonely and craves a bit of affection from time to time, it's not like there's anything weird about it. The fact that she's bisexual and really kinda hot, shouldn't make any difference, should it? I mean, not all gay women fancy every woman they meet, do they? That's just a stereotype. Or Emily.

I felt a pair of eyes boring into me and knew that they were _hers_. I turned round to face her.

"And she's back in the tent," smirked Effy. "Enjoy your trip?"

"What are you still doing on the ground?" I countered. "Get back up that fucking silk and give me another salto."

We had been doing workshops in the tent for half the week, and Effy had been hanging round the silks one like a creepy stalker, not even attempting to take any photos. Which was weird cause normally that camera is glued to her face when she's not gone to the other side. I kept asking her if she wanted to join in, but she always declined. This morning she'd been there again, and it was doing my head in cause I couldn't concentrate with her just lurking there like that. So I walked right over to her, abandoning my students.

"Effy, are you joining in or are you pissing off?" I asked her grumpily.

She just smirked back at me. I mean I love her and everything, but sometimes that fucking look on her face just drives me fucking bananas. Sometimes I want to do something, you know, just really shocking. Just to wipe that self-satisfied smile off her face.

"Well?" I challenged her. She could either engage, or she could get the hell off my back.

"I guess I'm pissing off then," she said casually. "Though I could do with some private lessons later."

I stood there speechless, as she uncurled her long legs from underneath her, and walked away. People are always calling Effy mysterious, cause they don't see past the surface, past the projection. I mean, she sneaks around like a ninja, then she'll lounge about not saying much, just staring at you, and looking like she knows the secrets of the universe. But she's not mysterious because of that. That's just a mask. I've seen far more of her than she's ever shown anyone other than Anthea and Tony, and the truth is, even when you know her, she is unknown. Unknowable, even. Her brain plays so many tricks on her, even her massive intelligence can't fathom out. How the fuck are any of the rest of us supposed to get anywhere? So when she stands there looking all deep and meaningful, yeah, she could be musing upon the finer points of the Uncertainty Principle, and contemplating whether a sub atomic particle really can be in two places at once. But equally she could be thinking that all the fluffy bunnies are packing AK47's and are planning to assassinate the president of Tonga. Who fucking knows? She certainly doesn't, half the time.

So when she flirts with me like that, does she mean it? Is it a wind up? Does she even know that she's doing it? Should I be flattered, scared, annoyed or disappointed? And why, when she turned up later, changed into sensible training clothes and looking all business, was the overwhelming sensation I felt one of disappointment? I was looking at her legs again now, as she climbed up the silks. I loved them, they were so long and elegant. I wish I had legs like that instead of these ridiculous little stumps. I mean yeah, I've got great tits and that, but five foot three? Come on. Not fucking fair. So that's why Effy is mysterious, yeah? She just fucking confuses me. I'm jealous of how beautiful she is, and how she never seems to have to try at all to be drop dead fucking gorgeous. But then I get all sad because even with all that beauty, she can't find anyone to love because her mind is all mashed up inside. And then sometimes, you know just sometimes, yeah? It's like I want her to want me, and she just doesn't. Course it's probably just an ego thing, like if a fit guy walks into the room, I want him to notice me right, even if I don't want to go with him. Cause I'm Katie Fucking Fitch and he _should_ notice me right? And if Effy's into girls as well as boys, then she should notice me too right? So why doesn't she? Am I unattractive? Or was Brian right and am I just too domineering and aggressive to be loved? Shit.

I snapped out of it, as I saw movement in my peripheral vision. Effy had climbed really high, and my professional brain kicked in, transforming her from the girl who was invading my thoughts into just another body in space it was my job to keep safe. I watched intently as she prepared the wrap for her salto drop, making sure the fabric wound itself around her in all the right places. All traces of her previous fear were gone. She achieved the position and just dived forwards into space, completing an elegant pivot and returning upright with beautiful control.

"Effy, that was fucking awesome," I yelled enthusiastically.

"Do I get a reward?" she asked me cheekily.

Yes. Yes, you get a reward, bitch. Because you're beautiful and you're brave, and you're crazy, and you're the smartest woman I know and you deserve it. But what do you want, Effy? What do you want? A line of cocaine? A pony? My naked body smeared with honey and chocolate? What? Where the fuck did that come from? I've been hanging out with this bunch of freaks for too long. Christ, I need a fucking shag, but oh, we're in the middle of sodding nowhere fifty miles from the nearest decent club. It's a good job Emily is holding a one woman bedside vigil for her semi-conscious soon to be lover. I think I'm going to need some alone time.

I decided not to look at the seductive way Effy was slithering down the silks on her way back to ground. Not even a peek, well maybe just a little one.

"Thanks Katie, that was really interesting," said Effy, resting her hand on my shoulder and giving me a little kiss on the cheek.

"Interesting?"

"Yeah, it made me realise how hard you work. It's impressive."

"Thanks," I said cautiously, not quite knowing what to make of that. Some days I think I am in tune with this girl on a deeply primal level, and other days I don't think I understand her at all.

"Come on," she said breezily, slipping her hand effortlessly into mine. "We should go and make sure Emily's eating something."

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Of course Emily hadn't eaten a thing. That would have involved leaving Naomi for a few minutes, a clearly impossible task.

"How is she?" I asked.

"In the 'goes' part of 'comes and goes'," muttered Emily.

"Why don't you come and get something to eat?" I prompted.

"I'll be fine," said Emily.

You know there's got to be something wrong when Emily turns down food. Despite her size she normally wolfs down almost as much as Cook. It's one of the things I just don't understand as to why we can share such similar DNA, and yet she never has to watch her weight. I was worried for her.

"She's unconscious, Ems," I told her. "She's not going to miss you."

"But what if she wakes up? She needs me."

I opened my mouth to deliver some scathing retort, but stopped when I felt the light pressure of Effy's hand on my arm. Turning to face her, I was met with those intense smoky blue eyes that felt like they could strip me naked of all my pretensions in seconds.

"What if it was me?" Effy whispered softly in my ear. The arrow of Effy's truth hit me hard, and I took a direct hit to the heart. If it was Effy lying there injured a seven nation army couldn't pry me from her side.

"Ok," I said, taking her hand, the solution having presented itself to me in that instant. "We're going to cook."

"We are?" said Effy nervously.

"We have to," I insisted, dragging her out of the door. "We have to do it for Emily.

I've never been much of a cook. I mean can you blame me with my mother's terrifying cuisine as a role model? Em's is like a fucking master chef, of course, but that's because she's just good at everything, bitch. But it was time to gather my resources. My sister needed me, and I wasn't going to fail her. I don't know why I was dragging Effy along with me. Her diet seemed to mainly consist of cigarettes. She would eat food if one of us plonked it in front of her, but otherwise I don't think she ever gave it much thought. I knew what I was going to make though, Shepherd's pie. It was a favourite of Em's from when she was little, when she got sick and our mother would relent from the regular torture of our mealtimes, and actually cook us something tasty. Of course I'd have to just use vegetables now that Em's had subscribed to the obligatory lesbian vegetarianism. Still, it was essentially some mashed potato on top of a bunch of vegetables, how hard could it be?

.

I got back to the caravan and started chopping shit, and putting it all in a big pan. I'd seen Em's do stuff like this all the time. Effy just lounged about on my bed and lit up a fag. I could feel her eyes on me the whole time, it was worse than the fucking silks class.

"Are you going to help, or are you going to just sit there looking glamorous?" I said sarcastically.

"I thought I'd just sit here looking glamorous," replied Effy. "I'm fuck all use at anything else."

The smile that spread across my lips at the first part of her statement, promptly dropped at the second.

"You're not fuck all use," I insisted. "You're amazing."

"And I thought _I_ was the delusional one," she smiled, the dark humour brimming in her eyes failing to cover up the pain she felt inside.

I went to give her a hug, but she shied away from me.

"Effy don't," I pleaded. "You _are_ amazing. You're perfect just as you are."

"I nearly killed myself twice," she said insistently. "And nearly killed someone else once."

"I can't have children," I blurted back at her.

The pair of us just stared at each other for what seemed like several minutes, until I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Do you want to go first or shall I?" I asked her.

"You," she said softly.

"I was only seventeen when I found out," I said, sitting down on the bed beside her. "I went to the doctor's cause my period hadn't come. Thought I was fucking pregnant didn't I? But it turns out I had suffered from a premature menopause. There were going to be no more eggs, and I could never have any kids of my own. It hit me hard, Eff. Harder than anyone knew except maybe for Ems, but then she had her own shit she was going through, coming out and all that. In one day I was shattered. I thought things could be perfect. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, perfect marriage, perfect everything, and suddenly it was all gone. Just as Emily had found her identity, I had suddenly lost mine. I didn't know who I was any more. I still fucking don't."

"I thought you were Katie Fucking Fitch," Effy smiled gently back at me. "That's good enough for me."

I found myself looking back into the eyes of someone who really fucking cared for me, who loved me even. She was so special, I couldn't bear the thought of her hating herself for even a second longer.

"Effy, why are you mental?"

Ok, so that didn't come out quite as I had intended. I just didn't understand why someone so fucking incredible had to be so unhappy all the time. Good job Anthea wasn't here, she would have fucking killed me. Luckily her daughter had much more of a sense of humour about her illness.

"Trained healthcare professionals have been trying to work that one out for years," she laughed.

"And what do you mean you nearly fucking killed someone?"

I knew about the suicide attempts, I'd seen her fucking scars. But attempted murder? That was a fucking new one.

"There were a bunch of us tripping on mushrooms, and this one girl just wouldn't leave me alone. She was all up in my face, messing with my mind. Telling me I had bugs all over me and stuff. Then she pushed me over and was kinda smacking me about a bit. She started choking me, I thought she was going to kill me, but I couldn't fight her off me. So I smacked her on the side of her head with a rock."

"Sounds like she fucking deserved it," I said possessively. If I ever caught her I'd smack her on the head with a rock too.

"It was me that deserved it, Katie," replied Effy. "I was trying to fuck her boyfriend."

Ok, so no moral high ground here. I've tried to fuck other people's boyfriends too.

"Still, she should have known better than to do that to a psychotic person," I complained.

"That was before I was mental," said Effy.

"Well, at least before my diagnosis," she added, having seen my eyes bug out in surprise. "I told you, I'm not a good person. I left her there unconscious all night, and went and fucked her boyfriend anyway. Luckily they found her and got her to the hospital, and she was ok in the end, but it wasn't through any act of fucking human decency on my part. Of course I felt remorse when I came down from my trip, but it was too late by then. She knew I had abandoned her, and stolen her man."

Effy let the silence fall between us for a moment.

"So," she continued tentatively. "Still think I'm perfect as I am?"

I didn't know what to say to her. A thousand thoughts were whirling round in my brain. I knew she had done some terrible things. I knew that she still craved the oblivion of drugs and the absence from responsibility they provided. I knew that she constantly teetered on the edge of darkness. So why was my answer still yes? I still didn't have any words for her, but I took her hand in mine and intertwined our fingers. I felt the heat between our hands mix, and grow. I realised then, that Effy was testing me. She was telling me more about her past, to see if I could really cope with everything that she was. Yeah, she had stunned me into silence, and that never fucking happens. But Effy had taught me how to communicate without words, and I gave her hand the lightest of squeezes, knowing that she would know my touch was telling her I was never letting her go.

"Dopamine," she said quietly.

"What?" I jumped, startled by the sound of her voice.

"It's why I'm mental," she said. "At least that's one of the theories. But it makes sense to me."

"Is it a drug?" I asked her. "I've never heard of it."

"It's a neurotransmitter. One of the brain's natural chemicals. Responsible for the transmission of sensations of pleasure. People like me have too much of it, and it stops the other parts of our brains from working properly. That's why the drugs fuck me up so much, cause they make the dopamine levels in my brain go through the roof and I get even worse. And all those other pills, the anti-psychotics they give me. They're supposed to have the opposite effect."

"But does that mean you can't feel pleasure?" I said, shocked.

"Sometimes, when I was in the hospital, when they had me dosed. I couldn't feel anything at all. All the bad things were gone, but there wasn't anything else left either."

I pulled her into my arms and wrapped her up in the warmest embrace I could muster. Just as when our hands were entwined, I could feel the physical heat rise between our bodies, and I held her as if my touch could calm the busyness in the timebomb of her brain.

"Can you feel this?" asked her.

"Of course I can," she giggled. "There's not a drug on this earth more powerful than a Fitch hug."

"Well, they're freely available at any time," I assured her. "It could be a new slogan – hugs not drugs."

Effy pulled out of the embrace, and eyed me incredulously.

"You do realise that's incredibly lame," she scoffed.

I knew it, but it had put a smile on her face. A real one. I just fucking loved it when I saw Effy smile for real. And I loved it even more when it was me that was making her smile.

"Shut up and peel some potatoes before my sister starves to death." I teased her.

.

Despite having been prepared by the world's two most incompetent chefs, the shepherd's pie had not turned out to be a total disaster. The look of sheer gratitude on Emily's face as we produced the steaming dish was worth all the effort five times over. We hung around, watching Naomi sleep and Emily demolish a huge pile of food without blinking. She managed to stop herself before consuming the entire bowl.

"I better save some for Naomi," she blinked guiltily.

"Oh, so she does wake up then," said Effy.

"Lazy cow," I added. "This is one extreme way of getting out of doing the workshops."

Emily laughed. She hadn't laughed for a while, and it was beautiful to see. Honestly, if Naomi Campbell didn't wise up soon and kiss the life out of my sister, I was going to have to have words. I knew Effy was staring at me again but I didn't mind. I was actually starting to feel quite comfortable here amongst my beautiful freaks, and if I was one as well then what the hell did that matter? Maybe true perfection was the absence of perfection. Maybe I had finally found my perfect fucking life.


	12. 12 Staring Into The Sun

**A/N Just a short one here. A hectic rehearsal schedule, a friend in need, and an aching back have been cutting into my creative thinking time, but I thought I'd throw you a little Naomily watching to be going on with. Apologies to all my lovely writers who I haven't had time to review, but I'm still reading and loving your stories. And big love to everyone reading xx**

**I don't own Skins, but I can spend hours watching it**

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12. Staring Into The Sun

Effy

"Why are you wearing sunglasses, Effy?" asked JJ. "It's a very dull day, and judging by the atmospheric conditions, I would say we were on the brink of precipitation. This is hardly the expected situation for the use of protective eyewear, unless you have adopted them purely for some kind of style purposes and are prepared to deal with the consequences of limited vision."

"Yeah, that's me JJ," I replied. "Just trying to look cool."

It was easier just to keep it like that than to tell him the truth, or at least my version of the truth. JJ's wonderful logic had no place here in Effyland. If he could see things through my eyes he would have known that it was fucking blinding out there. Naomi had finally emerged from her recovery room, and even though she was still physically shaky, her soul was on fire. The love she held for Emily was blazing out of her so fierce, I could have fuelled entire cities with just a fraction of its energy. The boy Justin, who was naïve enough to think she still belonged to him, was here, but it was largely irrelevant. Emily had her eyes set firmly on her target, and when a Fitch woman has something in her sights, I don't think there's a power on this earth that could deflect her. Her physical lust was raging in her as it always does. The animal in Emily is so strong it is mesmerizing and dangerous. Like standing next to a beautiful beast you know could rip your throat out. But now the violence of her desire was tempered by a burning core of love so hot, you just knew she would protect the object of her desire with her dying breath.

They were barely even trying to hide it any more. I know it's dangerous to stare into the sun, but I couldn't help myself. I watched Emily pull her Naomi into a possessive embrace only stopping at the last minute to include her doomed rival in a fake gesture of affection. I saw her scornful eyes flick over him as she brazenly plotted his demise. I watched her deliberately trail her hand over Naomi's ass as she left in a gesture that told her in no uncertain terms 'You are mine, and I am coming for you.'

The way that Naomi, shivered and stuttered at the touch let me know in no uncertain terms that she was longing to be caught, taken and consumed by the beautiful feral redhead. The pair of them were about to head off to Guernsey after this gig to do a show, just them and Freds and JJ. Out of the goldfish bowl of communal circus life, and sharing a two-person tent together, there would be no stopping them. Their little excursion to the Channel Islands should prove explosive to say the least. Later that day, Naomi sat between me and her alleged boyfriend, watching the others put on a cabaret show. There was no light and no love between them, all I could see was coldness and darkness. Every time he attempted affection, I could feel her edging closer and closer to me. Back in the beginning I had comforted Emily with the assertion that Naomi did not love Justin. It had been obvious then, but it was even more obvious now. The void between them was threatening to suck the very breath out of my lungs. By contrast, the moment Emily and Katie stepped onstage to perform their silks act, Naomi's flames roared into life so voraciously, I was in danger of being vapourised. I found myself torn between my fascination with Naomi's passion, and the deliberate denial of my own, but as soon as the girls started to climb we were rabbits in the headlights, unable to move or look away from the danger.

The Fitch twins lived up to their name. They were quite simply, fucking fabulous. They were the cats, and all the audience little tiny mice. They played with them. They had them totally under control. It's a good job I'm not the jealous type, otherwise I may have had to commit mass murder for some of the looks they were giving my Katie. She just looked so incredible in the air, like the silks were her home and she had never had to bother herself with boring little details such as gravity. The way she snaked, and slithered and rolled around the fabric was so sensual, I was hypnotized. I could have watched her all day. It is always fascinating when you watch someone in their element. A craftsman working with his hands, a surfer cutting through the water, a musician making her instrument sing, but oh to watch my angel fly stirred such energy in my body and soul. I don't think I had ever felt so awake, ever felt so alive. She cut through the fog of drugs that battled for control of my system, and my mind became focused and clear. My heart skipped a beat as I realized something for the first time since I was seventeen.

I could get better. With her help, it could be done. As long as I could keep her with me for long enough, I would be able to find a path back to the light. I would have to be so strong. I would have to force myself not to cave into the temptation to try to fuck her. I couldn't scare her and drive her away from me. And I couldn't even contemplate the thought that I could trick her into bed and then destroy her like I had destroyed so many others before. No, I needed Katie to carry on loving me, to keep on caring for me and then I could make myself whole again. And then, maybe then I might become the kind of person who deserved her. I felt movement beside me, and turned to see Naomi squirming away from Justin's embrace once more. She felt my eyes upon her and swiveled round to meet my gaze. In that moment she left herself completely open, every emotion exposed, and she knew it too. Naomi's concussion had stolen the foundations from underneath her defences, and amidst their ruins she and I had found a closer communication than ever before. She knew that I knew everything about her and Emily, but what she didn't know was that she was about to get everything she so desperately craved. The giant cosmological shift was already in motion, and all I had to do was sit back and watch the stars collide.

I continued to watch and photograph them all the way through the weekend and through takedown. The shots I got were amazing. Emily stalked around Naomi, watching her. She was biding her time, waiting for her moment, but the intensity of her desire was setting the sky on fire. Naomi was dancing a nervous dance between avoiding the attentions of Justin, and constantly checking on Emily's whereabouts. Her temper was frayed by injury and frustration, and she snapped at everyone except the girl of her dreams.

"God, I'm gonna swing for that bitch if she doesn't get off my fucking case," growled Katie as I gently dragged her away from the scowling blonde just before the parting of the ways. One thing I had learned was that anger and Katie Fitch often ended in some form of violence, and Naomi's body had undergone enough trauma of late.

"She's just hurt and frustrated," I said soothingly.

"She so fucking needs to get laid," spat Katie. "I swear if my sister doesn't fuck her soon, I'm going to have to do it myself before the poor girl explodes."

Even though I knew she was joking, my body went into spasm at her words. What was that about me not being the jealous type? I was going to have to be careful. I knew I was going to have to deal with Katie sleeping with somebody else sooner or later, but right now the thought terrified me. I needed to get a little bit stronger first. I needed just a little more time. I made some flimsy excuse to be somewhere else, and distracted myself with the red headed huntress who was currently lording it over the whole site. Watching her now, it was hard to imagine Emily ever having been shy and running in her sister's slipstream. Emily's transition into alpha female was complete. Right now she was the most powerful woman in the tribe, and she fucking loved it. She gazed with barely concealed scorn upon Naomi and Justin's tentative farewell, almost relishing the fact that she was about to obliterate their relationship. Her animal perception was at its height too, and she sensed me watching her without even looking.

"Any pearls of wisdom before I leave you?" she whispered, knowing I would hear her anyway.

Nothing I could say would make any difference now. Emily's will would not be deflected.

"I've given you everything you need, Emily," I told her. "The rest is up to you."

She surprised me then, by dropping her predator attitude and pulling me into one of those incredible Fitch hugs. It never ceases to amaze me how two small girls can fit so much power, love, support and comfort into a simple embrace, but they do it every time. There is sanctuary in their arms, where even the most battle weary traveller can find solace. For those brief enchanted moments under their touch, you feel such a sense of belonging and hope, you cannot help but feel your chemistry has been altered upon your release.

"Tell Anthea I'm going to get better," I told her with real belief. "Really better."

"Have you seen it?" she asked. I loved Emily's ability to accept that some versions of my reality might be just as valid as her own.

"Yes I have," I replied.

Some people believe that I can read minds. Others believe that I can see into the future. All I know is that for the first time in years I can see a future that is pregnant with possibilities. For the first time in years I can gaze into my own future without dread.


	13. 13 Total Hotness Bombardment

**A/N Many thanks for all the well wishes. Back is sorted. Friend is sorted. And I had a nice weekend off, so feel rested for a new week of rehearsals. Feeling happy and chilled in my truck. So here's a bit more Effy for ya, and KFF being totally awesome (as always). This one is dedicated to everyone, cause why the hell not? Big old circus love to the lot of yas xx**

**Also life is pretty bloody busy at the moment so I don't have much time to check out all the new fics. Anyone got any recommendations?**

**I don't own Skins, but I would totally let it do my hair and make up for me…**

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13. Total Hotness Bombardment

Effy

It was quiet without them, too quiet. From the moment they had driven away from us in Scotland, they had left a kind of emptiness behind them. My mum had been right when she had called them the engine, of the show, but they were more than that. They were the engine of the whole circus. I don't think anyone realised how powerful the energy had been that had surrounded us for weeks, until it was gone. Everything somehow seemed a little colder and a little darker, and all of us seemed to withdraw into ourselves a little bit more as we made our way down to Liverpool. Well, maybe all of us except one…

"What the fuck is that cunt still doing with us?" growled Katie, as she crunched the gears on Freddie's dilapidated van. I followed her gaze to see Justin's tidy white van with its cheerful signage and circus pictures ahead of us.

"Cook asked him the come and help us with tent up," I shrugged. I had never found Justin particularly relevant.

"What for?" spat Katie. "We don't need that dickless little tosser."

I restrained myself from questioning Katie as to how Justin could be a tosser if he didn't have a dick, and merely smiled in the way that people liked to call enigmatic. I still had my ray of light, I had my Katie. I basked in her as she continued to swear and grumble her way through the outskirts of the city.

I loved Katie's filthy mouth. I loved her aggression and her fire. I loved her directness and her lack of bullshit. I had spent most of my life feeling disconnected from humanity, but Katie was a slap in the face. She made me sit up and take notice. She is a clear fresh flowing stream when everything else is mud. Poor little Justin, he had never done a single thing to offend Katie herself. His only crime was that he wasn't Emily. He was the thing that stood between Emily and her happiness, and Katie's loyalty to her sister was so fierce, she hated him on automatic. Even when they were fighting, the bond between Emily and Katie was unshakable. I knew all about that, there were times when I was growing up where Tony had been the only thing that had kept me steady. When he got hurt, I used up the last of my strength looking out for him, but then he got better and he went away and there was no-one there to look out for me. Anthea was still too lost herself to fight the coming storm. I often find myself wondering if I had known Katie back then, would she have been able to stave off the dark, or would our teenage selves just have been rivals and hurt each other even more?

Katie kept ranting on about how Justin was a knob, and Cook was a knob for inviting him, and Pandora and Thomas weren't knobs but they were a bit sweet and coupley, and how it was a good job I hadn't had to go back to the hospital after Glastonbury, cause if I had she would have had to come to the funny farm with me just to keep herself sane. I don't think she took a breath throughout the whole proclamation, but with each ridiculous word, I was having to fight the increasing temptation to force her to pull over so I could tear her away from the steering wheel and kiss the life out of her. If only to stop her murdering Freddie's gearbox. Katie may have been a skilled, gorgeous and wonderful human being, but she is a terrible fucking driver. She is careless and aggressive and I think the term road rage must have been invented just for her. When we were trying to sort out who was driving which vehicle when the others went off to the airport in JJ's, and Katie volunteered herself to drive Naomi's truck, Naomi just laughed solidly for about five minutes.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, wankbucket?" she yelled suddenly, slamming her hand on the horn. I looked up to see her playing chicken with a massive truck over a piece of road way too small for the both of them.

"Fuck me, Katie," I hissed as she narrowly beat him to the gap. "I know I've attempted suicide twice, but I'm happier now and I really didn't want today to be third time lucky."

"Well he should have got out of my fucking way," stated Katie, as if this was an unalterable fact.

I think I may have just discovered a new and unwritten law of physics. E=MC2, with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, all matter must cede passage to Katie Fucking Fitch or suffer the consequences.

Our arrival on site did nothing to lighten Katie's mood. It was a humid and rather gloomy evening, and they hadn't installed the showers yet, which triggered another tirade about what the fuck was she doing here instead of doing a proper job where they put her up in a nice hotel. Cook made some snarky comment about PMT, and I hastily dragged him away, before he repeated it in Katie's earshot. I knew that Katie didn't get PMT, because she didn't have periods at all, but to have been reminded of why when she was in this frame of mind would have definitely have ended in bloodshed. I advised Cook to do what all the others were instinctively doing, to obey my new law of physics, and stay the fuck out of Katie's way. Even I kept my distance, but unlike them I understood her. I knew why the dark side of the force was running so high in my angel tonight.

All her life she has been connected to someone, but now that someone belongs to someone else. And Katie can feel it. I think she senses just as keenly as I do the importance of the coming days. There is a storm coming, and for once it's not one of mine. This would be a mighty tornado, a screaming twister that would tear away at all of our foundations and force us to start again. Even though they were four hundred miles away and across the sea, the influence of Emily and Naomi still lay heavy on all of us. The heavy atmosphere seemed to fit perfectly with the mood around the camp, and we didn't socialise, each retreating into our own space. We were all just waiting for the storm to break.

The physical storm broke later that night. A violent tempest that came howling in from the Atlantic attacking the length of the country. Large aggressive raindrops came hammering down on the skin of my tent, almost deafening me. I took my camera and my laptop and put them into a bin bag, tying it tight and putting it in the centre of the tent. I sat on my airbed shivering as loud peals of thunder started cracking almost overhead, and the sky flashed bright with lightning. I tried in earnest to force my brain to listen to its logical intelligent side, reasoning that the lightning would hit the big tent and conduct away harmlessly down the kingpoles before it ever hit me. But I was scared, just as scared as I was when I was a little girl, and I sat there hugging my knees wishing I could be like the young teenage Effy, the girl who wasn't scared of anything, except maybe love. But she was gone, and all I had was medication. What was the point of sitting here in terror, when I had pills that could knock me out in a matter of minutes and leave me oblivious to any storm?

I dug around in the chaos of my things and found the little red suitcase that held the devil's potions that ruled my life. As I waited for the drugs to take effect, I forced myself to think of the tempest in meteorological terms, trying to break down its hold over me with science. I had seen the forecast and the radar pattern earlier on the Internet, and knew that the whole thing was due to sweep south towards France. The same weather system would probably hit Emily and Naomi in the Channel Islands later in the night. I doubted very much that they would be cowering in their tent like me. My fearless love warriors would probably laugh in its face, and go out dancing in the rain. Thinking about them made the fear more bearable, and I found myself finally relaxing as the drugs in my system pulled my body towards sleep.

I was almost on the verge of unconsciousness, when I heard a noise outside my tent. My illogical fears jump-started my adrenalin, which fought against the drugs and pulled me back out again.

"Effy," called Katie's voice. "Effy, are you alright?"

It was still pissing with rain, with thunder and lightning all around. What the hell was she doing over here? I crawled towards the entrance of the tent and unzipped it. There stood Katie, dressed in her designer wellies, and holding a rather stylish umbrella. Fuck me, Katie Fitch, there's no such thing as a fashion accident with you, is there? You're in the middle in a shitty field in a raging thunderstorm, and still you have a stylish umbrella. A flash of lightning overhead suddenly illuminated her face, and any thought of fearfulness evaporated from my brain. Now it seemed that the entire storm had been created just to make Katie look breathtaking in that moment. All I could do was stare.

"Come to the caravan," she said.

"I've taken my sleeping pills," I replied. "I'm not going to be too steady on my feet."

"I'll help you," said Katie warmly. "I'm not leaving you out here in this."

I grabbed the bag with my laptop and camera and crawled unsteadily out of the tent. With one arm she shielded me with that lovely umbrella. The other slipped round my waist and supported my shaky progress towards the sanctuary of the caravan. There was no sign of the foul tempered Katie of before, and in her place was my fucking saviour once again. Maybe she really was a superhero, and that personality was her secret identity. Maybe I was the only person who got to see her true nature without her cape and mask. Or maybe as Pandora would put it, I had just taken a whacker load of pills, and was just thinking complete nonsense. My eyelids were starting to feel heavy again as we went inside, but I had just enough consciousness left to be disappointed when she laid me down on Emily's bed instead of hers. She didn't leave my side though. She tucked me in, and held my hand until my body finally gave up the battle and I slipped away into the emptiness.

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The days that followed were more cheerful. The weather cleared and the tent went up without a hitch despite our skeleton crew. Even Katie lightened up once the showers were put in, but she still grumbled at the continued presence of Justin.

"The tent is up now, why the fuck is he still here?" she mumbled at me one lunchtime.

"Maybe he's waiting for his loving girlfriend to get back from Guernsey," I suggested helpfully.

Katie laughed so hard, she nearly spat pitta bread all over the table.

"Well, he's in for a fucking shock then, isn't he?" she said. "Honestly, hasn't he fucking _noticed_? Ems and Naomi are hardly up for the subtle affair of the year award."

"You see what you want to see," I suggested.

The puzzle was solved that afternoon when Naomi's mum Gina rolled up to invite us all to her birthday party. Her café the Tribal Fountain was on site, and she had organised a massive do with loads of friends and family on the night that Ems and Naomi got back from Guernsey. That should prove interesting.

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I was already waiting for the as JJ's van rolled back onto site. There was no way I was going to miss this little entrance. Naomi emerged looking so fucking happy it looked like she was about to burst into song. Little Red had had her wicked way then. Emily followed her seconds later her face shining with the satisfied gleam of a well-fed predator, and her eyes fixed lasciviously on the curve of Naomi's ass, the ass that she now owned. I watched Naomi's face crumble in alarm as she registered Justin's van next to the tent. Her eyes shot across to Emily in panic, this obviously wasn't part of the plan. Emily said nothing, standing her ground and challenging Naomi silently with her eyes. The moment was broken by Cook, rushing up and twirling Naomi around in the air, which only earned him a tongue lashing from the blonde. Again, Emily retained her cool and tried to calm the situation, as if she knew she already had the upper hand. I heard Cook explaining that Justin was down at Tribal Fountain helping Gina with the party and watched the realisation smack Naomi around the head. She had forgotten her own mother's birthday. Fuck me Emily, that must have been one hell of a shagfest.

"Party at Gina's then," said Emily emotionlessly as Cook had filled her in on the details. "With all the family...sweet. Better go find something to wear."

She turned and headed for her caravan, leaving Naomi in pieces in the middle of the field.

"What am I going to do?" she said to no-one in particular.

For the first time I noticed how tired Naomi looked. She probably hadn't slept in days. Her whole life had just been turned upside down and she was obviously still reeling. I guess she had hoped for a couple of days to recover herself before having to deal with Justin. She looked lost and helpless. I couldn't leave her like that.

"Trust her," I said softly from behind her.

"Effy," she said, spinning round and practically falling into my arms. She was so tired, she was practically on the point of collapse.

"Don't worry," said I assured her. "Everything's going to be ok."

And with my help, it would be.

I left Naomi heading off down to the Fountain and followed Emily into the caravan, where I found her sparking up an enormous spliff. I let her take the first drag, and then took it from her and threw it out of the window.

"What the fuck Effy?" she said angrily.

"It's not going to help," I told her simply.

"Help what?" she said, making a vain attempt at a cover up.

I didn't even bother to reply, merely held her gaze until she knew that the game was up.

"Why is he here?" she sighed. "Why the fuck does he have to be here?"

"He doesn't know," I replied. "And he's here for Gina's birthday. He is officially still her daughter's boyfriend."

"Yeah, what the fuck is up with that?' frowned Emily. "You think she could have warned me."

"She forgot," I explained.

"Idiot," smiled Emily, a warm look of intense love crossing her features.

"Yeah, well I don't think it's really her fault," I smirked. "I think someone might have actually completely fucked her brains out."

Emily giggled smuttily.

"I think you could be right," she smirked back at me.

"So was it what you were expecting?" I asked her.

The look in her eyes told me it had gone way past anything she had ever expected.

"She has to finish it with him," pleaded Emily. "She just has to."

"Agreed," I assured her. "But she may not be able to do it tonight."

"Fuck, Effy. How am I going to get through this party?"

"You're not going to get through this party," I told her. "You are going to _own_ this party. You're not going to make a scene. You are going to be the coolest woman on the planet. You know it's you that Naomi wants, and we are going to make damn sure that she knows it too. We are going to make you look so hot, that by the end of the night she is going to be begging you to let her show how much she loves you."

"I'm liking the sound of this plan," said Emily, relaxing for the first time since she saw Justin's truck. "Effy Stonem, you are an evil genius."

"I am indeed an evil mastermind," I replied. "But there's someone else we need to put my cunning scheme into action."

"Emily, how the fuck are you? Good trip?"

The voice that was liquid honey to my ears came ringing out from the doorway. Right on cue, the magnificent Katie Fitch. She rushed into her sister's arms before she even had time to reply, squeezing the life out of her.

"I'm good," replied Emily, when she finally regained enough air to speak. "But I'm going to need the makeover from hell."

Katie's eyes lit up at the prospect, clearly delighted that her sister still needed her, and overjoyed to have the opportunity to get into some serious styling.

"Those hippies aren't going to know what's hit them," she smiled.

By the time Katie had worked her magic we looked more like we were headed for a night out at a fabulous Parisian supper club than a hippy shindig in a park in Liverpool. But that was the plan, my aim was to stand out from the crowd, to cause a stir from the moment we entered the tent. Emily looked sensational, figure enhancing electric blue dress emphasizing all the right curves in all the right places. Her hair was up, tantalising fronds of red falling down around her neck, and the make up job Katie had done on her made her look filthy gorgeous, but just the right side of slutty to make everyone want her but no-one think they could actually get her. Taken out of context, if I had just walked into a club and been presented with this vision, I would have made her my number one target for sure. But though I felt more than certain that Naomi would be reduced to quivering jelly by such delights, my eyes were compulsively drawn elsewhere.

Katie. Katie in a strapless black dress that looked like it had been spray painted on. Accessorised by a plethora of chains and crucifixes, that had not been carried off with such aplomb since Madonna herself in her heyday. And her hair, fuck knows what she did to it. I've never really been one of those hair and make up kind of girls, preferring that the just fucked backwards through a hedge look myself. But Katie's hair was swept and dangled and arranged to within an inch of its life, and it was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen in my life. _She_ was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen in my life. I felt suddenly and irrationally thankful that I had mucked up my attempts to take my life, purely for the opportunity to live this long and see this day. This day that included Katie Fitch in all her finery. I was grinning like the village idiot as she fussed and primped around me, backcombing my hair to give me extra volume, not only for the most excellent view it gave me of her fucking awesome tits, but also because this glorious fucking goddess of a being, wanted to be my friend. And this was important. If this most stunning champion amongst women thought I was worth something, then how could she be wrong? Suddenly it became an undeniable truth. I, Effy Stonem, lunatic of this parish, officially rocked.

Just before we entered the Tribal Fountain, Katie stopped us for final checks, fluffing up hair and arranging necklaces, make sure our make up was absolutely flawless.

"Ladies," she said solemnly. "Your mission for tonight, should you choose to accept it, is to make grown men and women weep with the awesome power of your beauty. We will rule this tent, and no-one shall stand in our path. Let those who try to resist us be swept aside without mercy. Let the Fitch-Stonem total hotness bombardment begin."

With that, we made our entrance, and by God what an entrance. I literally felt the oxygen levels deplete as sharp intakes of breath resounded around the room.

"Work it," encouraged Katie, as the three of us posed in the doorway. Naomi's jaw fell open and she dropped her champagne glass, as her eyes fell on the electric blue mirage that was Emily. Mission accomplished.

"Don't play with her," I whispered in Emily's ear. "Just let her know you're the only one worth having."

"Somewhere in another universe, Effy Stonem," she said, winking at me as she went off to win her woman.

I couldn't help but feel my stomach clench at the compliment. Somewhere in a parallel universe it was Emily and Effy who fell in love and shook the stars. But not in this one. Emily belonged to Naomi, and me, well I belonged to Katie Fitch. The same Katie Fitch who brought me a shot of some kind of fancy Ukrainian vodka. We downed them in one, and prepared to take the party by storm.

"If you're going to take anything, just make sure you let me know," said Katie. I loved that about her, the way she would protect me without smothering me. And in that moment I knew, being given the choice allowed me to make a choice.

"You know, I think I'm good," I told her. "Think I'm just gonna take some pictures for Gina, and have a dance."

Katie threw me a dynamite smile. I don't think I could have possibly gotten any higher than that.

"Just know I'm here if you need me," she said. "Now let's go and break some fucking hearts.'

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I had one of the best nights of my life. Even though I stayed clean the whole fucking time. I watched Emily totally conquer Naomi, mind, body and soul, along with half the room who looked on helplessly as the red beast worked her magic. I amused myself for hours recording images of all the crazy people doing crazy things for the gorgeous crazy woman who had brought them all together, the act of doing the thing that I loved so much distracting me from the need to fall into my former addictions. And finally, the most beautiful thing of all, dancing up close and personal with Katie. Bless her, she had managed most of the night to match me in my restraint from indulgence, but eventually she had fallen in with a bad crowd, and had succumbed to the lure of the Columbian marching powder. I had tried not to notice her shameless flirting with all the fit guys in the room throughout the night, but I couldn't help but feel smug as she abandoned the lot of them to slide her arms around my waist, and stay there until the early hours of the morning. I was so perfectly happy that I didn't try to read anything into it. The moment was all that counted, and in that delicious moment, Katie's sweet flesh was pressed up against my own as she swayed slightly unsteadily to the tunes on offer. That night I formed a new definition of paradise. Paradise was proximity to the body of Katie Fitch.

"Fuck," she said eventually. "I either need another line or I need to go to bed."

I had seen Emily and Naomi's little drama play out to my satisfaction. Those girls were hopelessly in love and soon the whole world would know it. My work here was done.

"Bed sounds pretty good about now," I said.

"Come on then," slurred Katie, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door. We staggered and giggled and clung to each other like a couple of girls on a hen night all the way back to the caravan. Emily's bed was still empty, but Katie pulled me towards hers.

"Stay here tonight, Eff," she said, collapsing backwards onto the mattress. 'Wanna cuddle."

Fortunately I'd had the foresight to slip a couple of my sleeping pills into my jacket, and I swallowed them before taking Katie up on her generous offer. She was practically unconscious even before they started to kick in, but it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that I got to spend the night next to the woman that ruled my heart. I crawled onto the bed beside her and wrapped myself around her. I remember vaguely thinking that perhaps it might be a good idea to take off my boots and my leather jacket, but oblivion was creeping up on me, and I couldn't tear myself away from her. Who could? She was the most beautiful woman in the whole fucking world. As unconsciousness hit, I was smiling. And then…..

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**Be beautiful, one and all, Hypes xxx**


	14. 14 Song Of The Siren

**Firstly many apologies to all of you who thought the last chapter was ending on some kind of a cliffhanger. The 'And then…' was merely supposed to represent Effy zonking out on her sleeping pills. It made sense in my head seeing as I was pretty much on the verge of zonking out myself when I wrote it. By way of compensation, and in true Hollywood fashion, I offer you a gratuitous Katie Fitch shower scene.**

**Having fulfilled my updating duties, I'm off to read ES's latest chapter. Hurrah.**

**I don't own Skins, but I'm not in denial about being in love with it.**

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14. Song Of The Siren

Katie

Consciousness was forcing itself upon me. I peeled open my eyes reluctantly, and shut them again almost straight away. It was way too fucking bright out there. Fucking caravans, 'out there' almost inevitably found its way in here, and there was no way of preventing the cheery brightness of the day invading my battered senses. That had been some party. Can't imagine ever having that much fun with _my_ mother. Her idea of a birthday party would be another inedible family dinner round the sodding six seater table, with a slightly less shoddy bottle of wine. Woop di fucking doo. I started to stretch my arm out when I came across an obstacle. There was someone else in bed with me. Ok, I admit it, I tried to be good for Effy, but the last part of the night was pretty sketchy, and there had been some pretty decent looking guys there. Maybe I'd gotten lucky. I opened my eyes again and rolled over to face the music.

It was only Effy. Or should that be 'Shit, it was Effy'? I can remember dancing with her, and I can remember it was getting quite intimate. Not in a gross kinda grindy way, but definitely a bit touchy feely. I picked up the covers and looked down. We were both fully dressed and Effy even still had her boots and leather jacket on. I realised that the duvet that was covering us was Emily's. We had obviously just crashed out in the early hours and Ems had covered us when she got home. There was no sign of her now. So she was either off shagging Naomi or off weeping about the fact that she wasn't shagging Naomi, but there wasn't a great deal I could do about it now. I had to deal with the hot girl in _my_ bed.

So hang on a minute, Katie. You just referred to Effy as a hot girl. I mean obviously she was attractive, any fool could see that. But I had thought of her as a _hot girl_. The way Emily thinks about hot girls. And only moments before I had actually considered the possibility that I might have had sex with her. What the fuck was going on? I propped myself up on one elbow and looked at her. Peaceful as ever when she was sleeping in her drug induced nirvana, the sun that was streaming into the caravan was bathing her face in a beautiful yellow glow. And she thought I was the fucking angel. I couldn't deny that she was beautiful, very possibly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. But it just wasn't me. It couldn't be. It was nine years since my sister had come out of her cocoon and transformed into the gayest butterfly in the land, and in all that time and being exposed to all her women, I hadn't shown even the slightest inkling towards bisexuality. It's just the fucking drugs for Christ's sake. I had totally caned it on coke last night, and that always makes you horny. I would probably have found a roll of lino sexy last night.

But what about this morning? No, still high obviously. We hadn't gotten to bed till stupid o'clock, and I reckon I hadn't had much sleep. Yeah, definitely still high. So it didn't matter that I wanted to reach out and stroke her face. It didn't matter that I wanted to kiss the scar on her forehead. I wasn't gay, I was just a horny drunk who hadn't gotten any in a while. Yeah, and I was going to have to do something about that. There must be some fit blokes in Liverpool, right? Effy was my best friend, she didn't fancy me and she wouldn't want me perving over her in her sleep. Not that I was perving. I was just watching over her, yeah? Cause I cared.

I must have cared a lot cause I fucking stared at her for ages, watching the delicate rise and fall of her chest. But the truth is I get just as much from her as she gets from me. I have so much rage inside me, I can barely contain it sometimes, but when I'm with Effy I feel calmer, more balanced, and I love that feeling. It's weird, but this crazy little lost girl somehow manages to make me feel found. When I'm with her I feel I can finally breathe. She was lying flat on her back and I dropped my weight off my elbow and snuggled into the side of her. I placed my hand on the centre of her rib cage, and let it rise and fall with the rhythm of her breath. I felt my own breath slowing and synchronising to match hers. I felt her heat rise into the palm of my hand, and sensed the flow of oxygen streaming into her lungs, keeping her precious life afloat. The life she had tried to take with her own hand. Twice.

That was never going to happen again. I was never going to let that happen again. I don't know what it is that makes me feel so protective of Effy, but since my stupid fucking little fantasies had been shattered, I would take what I could get. I was never going to get that picture perfect family I used to dream of, so why not care for someone who really needed it? I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that, just breathing with her, but I knew one thing for sure. The outside world had nothing to offer that was better than this sweet unpretentious affinity. I didn't have to give it a name, a label or a meaning. It was just us. Just Katie and Effy. The strangest partnership in circus. We were polar opposites, but for some kind of fucked up reason, we worked.

Eventually I felt her stirring beside me, and I was tempted to snatch my hand away, before I realised that would probably look more stupid and guilty than if I just left it there. Effy rolled sleepily onto her side till she was facing me.

"Hey," she murmured with barely open eyes.

"Hey yourself," I replied.

She blinked lazily and then looked down at herself in confusion.

"I've still got my jacket on," she said.

"Yeah, and your boots," I replied. "Been giving me a right kicking. My shins must be black and blue."

Her brow furrowed with concern before her fuzzy brain picked up on the fact that I was teasing her.

"Yeah well, you know me," she replied. "Always need to be ready for action."

I looked at her sceptically.

"You know," she continued. "In case the dancing robots of Frangipanistan come to kidnap all earth twins to use in their evil genetic experiments."

I had to search her eyes before I detected the glint of mischief that drew the line between her dark humour and another episode.

"So you'd defend me?"

"To the death."

"How?"

"Well I'd probably give them the Stonem Death Glare, and if that didn't work I'd fetch Cook and Naomi."

"Hmmph, those two would just spend all their time defending Emily. My fate is sealed. I'm doomed."

Effy laughed, and then wrapped me in a passable imitation of a Fitch hug.

"I'd never let them take you, babe," she said.

An excited shiver ran down my spine. Effy doesn't use endearments. Effy doesn't initiate hugs. I was special. Finally she released me.

"Tea," she moaned in a pathetic manner.

"Aw cheers, babe," I teased her. "I'd love some."

"I'm still under the influence of drugs," she countered. "I'm not supposed to operate naked flames or boiling water. It's health and safety."

"And I'm not?" I replied.

"Are you still high, Katie Fitch?" Effy smirked.

"What the fuck do you think?"

"Ok," she said, making to leave the bed.

"No," I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. "I'll do it."

As I fussed about making the tea, I wondered what the hell I was doing. I had always been prepared to let Emily or my boyfriends wait on me hand and foot, in fact I almost demanded it. What was it about Effy Stonem that always made me act so out of character? It wasn't just me though. Both of us seemed to affect the other in the most unusual ways. Thing is, I don't think I've ever met anybody who understands me the way she does, and may be all she is doing is exposing the real me. The woman I could become. And if that feeling is mutual then no wonder we've become so close.

I think I could have happily spent all day in bed with Effy, cuddling, talking rubbish, eating crap and watching DVDs, but our little slumber party was interrupted by Thomas banging on the door of the caravan. He looked upset.

"Have you seen Naomi?" he asked us.

"No, not since last night," I replied. "Why? Is she OK?"

Oh God, don't tell me she's gotten into some kind of drama over Emily and Arseface.

"Where's Emily?" I asked him.

"I do not know," he answered. "But I must find Naomi, there is some kind of problem with the licence for the festival and I need Naomi to come and sort it out."

"Can't Cook do it?"

"Unfortunately Cook is somewhat indisposed."

"You mean he's shitfaced?"

Thomas's Gallic shrug told me exactly what kind of state Cook was in. Great, looked like things were about to go tits up and both of our glorious leaders had gone AWOL. Thomas left and I looked back at Effy. We both knew in an instant that our chilled out day was over. Eff went back to her tent to change and I headed for the shower. There was no way I was going to face a day of troubles without washing last night's excesses out of my system. Fucking world, can't leave a girl to have a come down in peace. I thought I was doing alright, but as soon as I was up and walking around I began to feel well shoddy again. I was beginning to love this life, but there were a few things I hadn't fully adjusted to just yet. Portable fucking shower blocks being one of them. You spend so much time trying to get the temperature right on the pathetic dribble of water coming out of the head, you almost don't have time to wash. But they were all I'd got, and this morning they felt like a fucking Godsend. I stripped off last night's party frock and stood there naked, my arms pushed out against the sides of the cubicle holding myself upright as the hot water fell down onto my neck, praying that no-one else came to use the block, fucking with my delicately balanced ideal temperature.

It felt good. Almost as comforting as being with Eff. God, just imagine if Eff was here as well…. What the actual fuck, Katie? Get a grip. I grabbed my shampoo and distracted myself lathering up and washing my hair. Then swapped to my refreshing wake me up shower gel, rubbing the suds over my body and focussing in the pleasure of the physical sensations, to divert my brain from thinking about, well, other physical sensations I had no business thinking about. I stayed under the water far longer than I needed to make myself clean. I knew I was hiding from the outside world, and I managed to ignore the tackiness of my environment, the mud on the floor from other people's shoes, and the less than pristine walls. The repeated embrace of the warm running water was pulling me out of it, but I knew I was still a little bit wasted. My hand slipped unconsciously down towards the space between my thighs. I could do with the release, but just as I was about to commit, I heard the door to the unit open and some one step into he cubicle next to me. The intrusion brought the outside world and its concerns rushing back into meet me. I was worried about Emily and this licence thing could be a total ball ache if we lost money over it. Reluctantly I turned off the water and braced myself to face the day.

Everyone had gravitated towards the tent, and on the way up there I noticed that Justin's van had gone. That had to be a good thing, unless Naomi had fucked off with him, cause that would be a very bad thing indeed. Luckily, it wasn't long before Naomi walked into the tent with Emily. They were holding hands.

"You need to go and talk with the organisers," said Pandora. "There's some kind of problem with the licence, and Cookie's completely off his blinkin box."

Naomi took one look at Cook's giggling figure rolling about on the seating bank, before rolling her eyes and dropping Emily's hand. I get why Effy gets so fascinated with Naomi sometimes, you can see everything in those expressive blue eyes of hers. I watched as she transformed herself from lovestruck teenager to responsible adult in a matter of seconds, and headed off to deal with the crisis. Emily watched her all the way with a cute little half smile on her face. I'd seen that fucking smile before. To me it was as blatant as a neon sign above her head saying 'Emily Fitch got laid'. Those two had _sooo_ fucked each other in Guernsey. And I guess that was Justin out of the way too then. Instinctively I looked over at Effy, who was grinning at Emily like a proud mother. She had been onto them from the start, and I suspected that they may have one or two little words of wisdom from the Oracle to help them find their path.

For the next half an hour nobody left the tent. It was like all our energy had been sucked away from us, and no-one had the will to do anything else. We all just lurked listlessly around, no-one really saying much as if we were helpless pawns waiting for some command from on high. Bunch of fucking losers, or what? Clearly hangovers and calamity don't mix. Not that Cook had even made it to the hangover stage. Eventually Naomi returned with news, and it was not good. Basically the whole fucking festival was in danger of being pulled, and with it our chances of getting paid. Fuckers. The mood in the tent took a nosedive, although we knew it would mean Naomi and Cook pretty much bankrupting themselves to pay the rest of us, nobody wanted it to come to that. But we had to eat too. It was all just a too fucked up.

"Actually, I do have some good news," said Naomi, sensing the atmosphere of gloom. Emily perked right up at this statement, and swung down from her trapeze to go and stand next to Naomi. This was it then. The worst kept secret in circus was about to be announced.

"Emily and I have fallen in love," Naomi said proudly. "It's the real deal. We've both left our partners and now we are officially together."

"Finally," I scoffed impatiently, rolling my eyes. I couldn't help myself. It was just too fucking funny.

Naomi's eyes flashed wildly between myself and Emily and Effy. It was hard not to laugh. Did she honestly think that this was a surprise to any of us?

"Actually, it's been fairly obvious that you've been in love with each other for some time," smiled Thomas.

"Yeah, it's been bonkers," added Panda. "We've all just been waiting for you to blinkin' get on with it."

Naomi and Emily looked completely gobsmacked, more shocked in fact than any of the rest of us. Even though they had pretty much been behaving like a couple for weeks. It's always the fucking way though. It's always the lovers themselves who are the last to know. I actually found it rather sweet. I was going to have to keep a lid on that, I had a whole bunch of teasing Ems to do. "Did you know?" Naomi asked Freddie.

"Naomi, we were in the tent next to you in Guernsey," he said with a filthy smirk on his face.

"Shit, I thought we were trying to be quiet," hissed Emily.

Oh Emily, honey. If your usual standards are anything to go by, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole fucking island heard you.

"If that was you trying to be quiet, then I definitely need to invest in some earplugs now that things are out in the open," said JJ "I am certainly predicting an upward shift in the decibel level."

Naomi looked mortified, until Emily whispered something in her ear and she seemed to lose herself in her connection to my sister again. I heard a loud shuffling away to my right. Everyone else had pretty much stuck their oar in, and here came Cook with his contribution. Sure to be sordid of course. He didn't prove me wrong as he played the lad with Naomi and started banging on about hot lezzer action at which point Emily decided to show him some, grabbing her lover's hand and pulling her into a full on sexual kiss.

"Please," I said disdainfully. "Just because you've finally managed to admit it to each other, doesn't mean I have to watch it."

I don't know why I did it. It has been a long time since I found Emily's sexuality disturbing. I freely admit that when I first found out it freaked me out, but that was fucking years ago and now it's just a part of her. Just as much as her red hair, or her Fitch trained biceps, the way she loves to dance or that fact that she reads weird and complicated physics books for fun. I guess it was just out of habit, something familiar to cling on to as I felt the foundations of my world begin to slide away from under me. Luckily Emily didn't take it badly. She broke away from her kiss laughing.

"So seriously," she said. "Every single one of you knew?"

"You were dazzling," came a calm, quiet voice. Effy. Everyone turned to look at her.

"You are like twin suns," she continued. "The pair of you shine so brightly, illuminating our whole world with your brilliance. And ever since you entered each other's orbit, the gravitational pull has been immense, and inevitable. You circled around each other, the distance between you slowly decreasing, and with each rotation the attraction grew stronger, and the light you threw more fierce and more beautiful. Nothing in the whole universe could have stopped you. The force between you is too powerful. You were destined to merge and to shine together, burning with such a radiance as the world has never known. A blazing fucking beacon in the darkness."

"Fuck," said Naomi softly, echoing my own thoughts at Effy's unprecedented eloquence.

"It's true," she said. "I have evidence."

Effy brought her laptop over to show her so-called evidence to the lovers, and I muscled in over Emily's shoulder. There was no way I was going to miss out on this. Effy started a slideshow of pictures she had taken of the girls and what I saw took my fucking breath away. I mean I already knew she was talented, but the way she had captured all the tiny moments of their growing feelings for each other defied any kind of words. Effy was more than just a girl who took photos, she was a real artist. I understood what Jenny had seen when she looked at Effy's first attempts at work. But more than that I understood why she had fallen in love with her, fallen so hard that she had let Effy totally fuck things up for her. I returned to the thought I'd had earlier that day, of how Effy was helping to bring out the best in me, and how I wanted to do the same for her. If I could do that, if I could help her get better, if I could help her to show the world just how fucking awesomely gifted she was, then that would be something I could be proud of.

But I also remembered her warning….

'People always fall in love with me. And it's always fucked up. They do stupid things cause they're in love with me, and I fucking let them. Cause they're too stupid to see that they're falling in love with a shell.'

I looked at Emily and Naomi's besotted faces as they watched themselves falling in love on Effy's screen, and in a moment of clarity, I suddenly remembered that my middle name was 'Fucking' not 'Denial'. All that shit this morning reared back up to bite me. I knew that my Effy was far from a fucking empty shell, but I was in danger. I was in serious danger of falling in love with her. Not because I'd suddenly got my gay on after all these years, but because she was Effy. And _everyone_ falls in love with Effy Stonem.

It was the last thing either of us needed. The quickest way to throw everything we'd built together completely down the toilet. The more I fucking loved her the stronger I was going to have to be. I was going to have to be The One. The one who wanted to fall in love with her but didn't fucking do it. I remembered Emily telling me the story about some ancient Greek dude, who wanted to hear the song of the Siren without being lured to his death. So he got his guys to tie him up and then block up their ears, with instructions not to let him go no matter how much he begged for it as they sailed past. There was no way I could block up all my senses. Effy called out to me on every level. I was just going to have to tie myself to my own metaphorical mast, and not let myself go no matter how much I screamed for it.

"Ems, perhaps we should go to my truck for a bit," I heard Naomi whisper beside me

"Oh yeah," replied Ems in the dirty sex growl that made grown women throw open their legs for her without any kind of a struggle. "Truck me."

I am lucky that I am her sister, because I think she had everyone else in the tent wishing they were Naomi right then. All except Effy. Effy was looking at me smirking. I sincerely hoped she didn't have a dirty sex growl, cause if she did I would be a goner. Ems and Naomi fled the tent to take part in the Sex Olympics, winning gold for Britain, whilst the rest of us just stood around like extras in Gone With The Wind.

"Pint?" suggested Freddie.

I'm not convinced there's an awful lot goes on in that scruffy little head of his, but right then I thought he was a fucking genius.

.

.

I didn't spend much time with Effy over the next couple of days. I know it was mean of me, but I just needed a bit of time to resettle myself, before I exposed myself to her fatal charms once more. Effy, it would seem, had other plans. I came back to the caravan after training one afternoon, to find her sitting on Emily's bed with her rucksack, her camera bag and all her stuff.

"What's going on?" I asked her.

Effy just stared at me like I already knew the answer.

"You know she's never coming out of that truck," she said.

It was true. Emily pretty much lived at Naomi's now. She only ever came back to get clean pants, though God knows why, she never seemed to keep them on for very long.

"So are you moving in then?" I asked trying to keep a giveaway hoarseness out of my voice.

"Thought I would," she shrugged.

"Ok," I replied.

OK? What was I thinking? I didn't even try to argue the toss. Just gave into her like a slapper at chucking out time. The Siren was about to set up camp in my house. Fuck me, anybody got any rope?


	15. 15 Observations

**A/N Just a tiny little Effysode for you here, but it's my birthday tomorrow and I feel like we've been through a lot together, so I wanted to give you a little something before I go and kill off a few brain cells in the cocktail bar with my crew. We'll get back onto meatier stuff next time.**

**I don't own Skins, but Season Four also seemed to believe that a linear concept of time was farcical.**

**Happy Birthday to me. Happy Day to you.**

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15. Observations

Effy

They were fucking. Again. They were fucking again. They are always fucking. It's pretty much all they do. I know I was expecting great things of them, but even I have been shocked by the intensity of their passion. It wasn't ten minutes ago that I was lurking in the doorway of the tent smoking a fag when I saw Naomi intercept Emily as she was walking across site away from their truck.

"Where do you think you're going?" smouldered Naomi.

Emily ground to a halt just a few feet ahead of her. She closed her eyes and exhaled before turning to face her lover with a provocative smile.

"It's called work," she said sarcastically, beaming cheekily all the while. "I'm supposed to go and help JJ with the numbers for the Arts Council monitoring form."

She turned as if she was going to leave, but her body language was making it perfectly obvious to both Naomi and myself that she wanted to be caught. Naomi closed the distance between them like a panther leaping onto prey, and caught Emily by the wrist.

"Like JJ ever needs any help with figures," she scoffed, pushing Emily up against Panda's bus and licking her neck. "The boy's a certified genius. You'd only be holding him back. I have other plans for you."

Naomi pushed herself even harder against her lover, thrusting one leg between her thighs, prompting an immediate physical and verbal response.

"Fuck," said Emily breathlessly, pushing her hips forward and rolling her head back.

"Exactly what I was thinking," smirked Naomi, attacking the exposed flesh of Emily's neck with bites and kisses. Emily was a goner. Soft breathy whimpers began to escape from her throat as she let Naomi's hands start to wander over her body.

"But I promised him," she said, attempting to push Naomi away. "I have to go."

Her seeming protests were nothing but an attempt to make her lover work harder to take her. Naomi rose to the bait. She grabbed a handful of Emily's hair and forced their mouths into a passionate clash of tongues. The battle for control did not last long. Emily wanted to be invaded. Naomi broke the kiss and held her girlfriend's head tightly in both of her hands.

"Let me fuck you," she said earnestly, gazing deeply into Em's brown eyes. It was enough for Emily to abandon any pretence of resistance, and kiss her furiously back.

"You can fuck me," she said, eyes black with lust, the pair of them stumbling as they staggered back towards the truck, trying to make it all the way there without breaking the kiss that followed. They almost fell as they hit the steps that led up to Naomi's door, forcing them to break apart to keep their balance.

"I want you to fuck me," purred Emily invitingly. This was what she had wanted all along. Much to my surprise, Naomi actually bent down and picked Ems up, throwing her over her shoulder and carrying her up into the truck. Go Cavegirl Campbell. Just before they disappeared inside, Emily caught my eye. The look on her face was one of pure and evil satisfaction. This was a woman at the top of her game. She showed no embarrassment at being caught, merely held my gaze with a dirty grin on her face. Then she winked, she actually winked at me, convincing me of one unalienable fact. Emily Fitch was one very very naughty girl. Naomi was in for one hell of a ride.

I lit up another fag, not caring to move even though I knew what was about to happen. Truth was, I just loved being around them. Like a vampire thirsting for blood when they had no heart of their own to pump the life giving force around them, I Effy Loveless Stonem, fed freely off their passion having found no ardour of my own since my brain rose up in rebellion against me. I stood and watched as the truck started to rock and the muffled sounds of Emily's pleasure began to escape into the air. I would have stayed there too, if I hadn't noticed JJ wandering towards the scene of the sexcrime. I headed across the field to cut him off, the poor boy was not equipped to handle the twin suns firing on all cylinders.

"Hey JJ," I said casually.

"Effy…." He replied cautiously. "Why are you engaging in unsolicited social greetings? It doesn't fit with your usual behavioural patterns."

"Just being friendly," I shrugged.

"Since when?" said JJ suspiciously. "Is there some thing that you want?"

"No we're cool."

JJ studied me with a furrowed brow for several seconds, before regaining focus. He really didn't get me at all. Society might conveniently lump us together for having 'mental health issues', but the way that our brains worked was a million miles apart.

"Have you seen Emily?" he asked me, having found no answers to the million questions buzzing about in his head. "She's supposed to be helping me."

"Fucking," I replied.

Again JJ stared at me in confusion for several moments before he cottoned on.

"Ah, the verb fucking," he said triumphantly. "As in 'to fuck', Emily is fucking. Not the emphatic qualifier 'fucking' as in 'the fucking dog won't stop barking'."

"Exactly," I replied. "Emily is fucking."

"Again?" said JJ.

"Again," I confirmed.

"Emily certainly has an impressive libido," he said, as if he were discussing the mating habits of the Bonobo monkeys. But I'm surprised at Naomi. She's never really seemed to show much interest in sex."

"Until now," I smiled. "Maybe she just hadn't met the right girl."

"Wish I could meet a girl like that," he muttered.

"You will," I told him. "And then there will be no stopping you."

JJ looked at me again. Unusually, his gaze didn't falter under the superior pressure of my own. It was like he was studying me for answers.

"You know, some people actually do believe you have the gift of prescience," he said. "Do you?"

"What do you think?"

"Initial logic would dictate that such a thing would be ridiculous and impossible. But in a universe of infinite possibilities, there is no evidence to suggest that time can't be perceived in a different way from the accepted norm, indeed some theories postulate that a linear conception of time is farcical."

"So what's your theory? Do you think I can see into the future?"

"Given your last statement about me meeting a girl, I'm rather hoping that you can. I'd love you to be right about that."

"JJ," I smiled, getting my mystery on. Sometimes you have to give the people what they want. "Don't you know that I'm always right?"


	16. 16 So You Wanna Be Normal?

**A/N Apologies first for lack of updating and reviewing of all the deserving stories on here, but we have been on quite a punishing rehearsal schedule with a lot of long and exhausting days, and Hypes has been a very tired girl. Rest assured my mind is full of all manner of tasty Keffy goodness to come, and once the show is running there will be more time to deliver it to you.**

**This one goes out to darthcaiter whose wonderfully imaginative brain is keeping me amused with her fabulous stories (check them out), and for lizardwriter who is poorly. Get well soon love, and enjoy the chapter, it's for you.**

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16. So You Wanna Be Normal?

Effy

God, I needed a shag. At least I thought I did. Being around the sex apocalypse that was Emily and Naomi, didn't exactly calm the libido, and then I had had the bright idea of moving in with Katie. It was wonderful for the most part, she was actually remarkably easy to live with, and with her so constantly close to me it seemed no demons had the bottle to come and mess with my head. Having a Vampire Slayer as a room mate definitely had its advantages. But then there was the lingerie….

Let me take a moment to reflect upon Katie Fitch and lingerie, because it's definitely something to be savoured. We're not exactly a dressy crowd here at Circus Abandon. Sure we can work it if the occasion calls for it, but most of the time you wouldn't exactly call us smart. Most of us sleep naked, or we'll bung on an old tour t-shirt and have done. Not Katie Fitch. She has the most impressive collection of satin and lacy little somethings I've ever seen outside of a catalogue, camisoles, slips, baby dolls and chemises. Every night as my sleeping pills drag me away from consciousness, and every morning when I escape from their heavy grasp I see her, a vision of heavenly loveliness floating around the caravan in a haze of alluring pinks, smouldering reds, aristocratic purples and classic blacks. She looks fucking fantastic, every delicate curve of her beautiful form is delightfully accentuated, and Christ does she have the figure to carry it off. I'd love to photograph her like that, but I daren't ask. I think I'd be in mortal danger of revealing just how much I feel for her and that can never be allowed to happen.

And then there's the underwear. Oh my fucking God. No five pack of M and S cotton briefs for our Katie, oh no. Each and every one of her bras is a work of art, finely handcrafted by tiny bra making fairies whose sole aim in life is to make women's breasts look fabulous beyond all imagining. More often than not there are knickers to match, and even when they're not, they are still creations of immense beauty that slide their way effortlessly around the most delicious ass it has ever been my pleasure to witness. She is not self conscious at all around me, and will even parade up and down in front of me asking my advice, just like girlie best mates would do. Just like_ normal_ girlie bests mates would do, before they went out to try to pull a fit guy.

So that's what I did. I went out to try to pull a fit guy. I had to distract myself from her somehow, and my sexual frustration was nearly at boiling point. It was the night of our last show in Liverpool, and we were having an after party in the tent. Thomas was rocking the tunes as usual, and I was watching Naomi's hands begin to wander a little too frantically over Emily's body for public consumption. I had gone behind Katie's back and taken some of Cook's coke without telling her, knowing she would have wanted to stay with me if she had known, and I was trying to get away from her. But I wanted it, I needed the false confidence it gave me to allow me to fuck and not give a fuck, just like I did in the old days. Emily was now straddling Naomi on the seating bank, in my fucking special place for fuck's sake. She thrust her tongue deep into her girlfriend's mouth and started grinding against her. The two of them were out of it and didn't seem to give a shit who was gawping at them. I felt a presence approach beside me.

"You find that sexy," said a deep male voice.

I turned to look at him.

"So do you," I said.

He grinned back at me.

"Looks like the entertainment's going," he said, as a giggling Emily pulled Naomi down off the seats and out of the door, no doubt heading for untold pleasures in the Orgasmatruck.

"Fancy making some entertainment of our own?" the random smiled cheekily at me.

I looked him up and down. Tall, messy black hair, tattoos, evil intent. Classic bad boy. Result. I gave him a diffident shrug of acceptance as if to say 'why not?' No point revealing any enthusiasm, he had enough for the both of us. I started to walk out of the tent, knowing he would follow. Where the fuck to take him though? There was no way I was bringing him back to mine and Katie's place. In the end he just grabbed me and pushed me up against the back of Freddie's truck, desperate to get his hands on me and his tongue in my mouth. I let him. If this was the way it was going to be, fast, rough, meaningless, it was what I wanted anyway, wasn't it? I kissed him back and thrust my groin against his already hardening cock, grabbing his butt and pulling him roughly against me, letting him know he was going to get his fuck.

"Oh yeah," he groaned. "I like that. I'm gonna fucking put it in you, babe."

I was horny, I was wet, and my body was screaming fucking do it, just fucking get on with it. Give me a good hard anonymous fuck. But my brain started flashing alarm bells. He shouldn't have called me babe. I'm not his fucking babe. My head suddenly flooded with the sound of Katie's beautiful voice saying the same word, and his tongue in my mouth began to feel like an invasion. The thought of his cock inside me began to horrify me, I wasn't anybody's babe but hers. I belonged to her. Jesus Christ, I couldn't go through with this. He didn't seem to notice my sudden lack of reciprocation and carried on forcing his tongue down my throat, his hands grasping greedily at my tits. God, how many times had I done this? Let some undeserving asshole get a piece of me cause I was so fucking desperate to feel? He put his hand up my dress and started clawing at my knickers. Enough.

"Stop," I said, attempting to push him off me.

He pushed his fingers inside my pants, and I felt my own wetness betraying me under his rough touch.

"You fucking want it," he smiled at me. "You wanna get fucked."

His pupils were massively dilated, and he wasn't going to give up without a fight.

"No," I said attempting to push his hand away from my cunt, but he just grabbed my wrist and forced it above my head.

"Oh God, you're really fucking turning me on," he said, pulling at the buttons on his trousers and biting my neck. Shit, he thought it was a fucking game.

"I fucking mean it," I said trying to squirm out of his grasp. Where were Katie and her violent tendencies when I needed them?

"What the actual fucking fuck? Get the fuck away from her," an angelic voice sang out from behind my assailant's back. Fuck me, is there a God? There must be for him to send me Katie Fitch.

"Who are you, her fucking mother?" the guy said gruffly.

"No, I'm her great aunt Gertrude," said Katie. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Me and your little girlfriend are just having some fun here. You can watch if you like, and then maybe I'll do you."

He turned his back on Katie and tried to shove his hand up my dress again. Big mistake. Never turn your back on an angry Katie Fitch. The next thing I knew, he was on the floor squealing, literally squealing in pain, and Katie had her hands in mine.

"Are you ok?" she asked me softly, as if there wasn't a grown man howling in agony behind her.

"What did you do to him?" asked her.

"Stiletto into the Achilles tendon," my street fighting hell bitch replied. "He won't be chasing you anywhere."

She looked me in the eye as she led me away from him.

"What did you take?" she asked.

It's starting to get frightening how well she fucking knows me. There was no censure in her voice, she never fucking judged me, and I loved her for it, even if her careful tolerance sometimes made me feel like an idiot.

"I had some coke," I admitted.

"And then thought you'd fuck the first thing that came along?"

I didn't answer. What could I say? I was so fucking busted.

"Seriously Effy," she grinned. "You can do so much better than that."

Don't I know it, Katie. Don't I fucking know it.

She led me back into the tent, straight up to my safe spot and didn't leave my side for the next two hours, yelling at various members of our crew to fetch us drinks. We didn't say much, just sat next to each other and watched the people having fun. She even let me have another line when Cook came calling, but her dark brown eyes flashed me a warning that she would string me up if I attempted any funny business. Not that I would. I had given in. There would be no more attempts at sexual independence tonight. I would be content to silently worship my guardian angel, as she casually draped her arm around my shoulders. It seemed quite light and friendly, but I got the distinct impression that it was a no entry sign for the rest of the world, and that anyone who attempted to enter my orbit would do so at their mortal peril.

Eventually tiredness claimed us and we drifted back to our little beige home. I took my nightly sentence of pills, and as sleep's long arms came to take me, I was treated to the view of yet another astonishingly beautiful piece of red silky nightwear with black lace trim wrapping it's saucy way round Katie's wonderful body. That's got to put a smile on a girl's face.

"Thanks, Great Aunt Gertrude," I murmured drowsily.

"You know I'm gonna make you pay for that," laughed Katie.

"I know," I said. 'But thanks anyway."

"For what?" she asked.

"For fucking everything."

.

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.

I had fallen asleep happy, but the next day was another thing altogether. I had a filthy hangover, the beautiful dream world where Katie Fitch was my lover was just another cheap delusion, and the true importance of my recklessness last night rained down on me like a tropical monsoon. What would have happened if she hadn't turned up to save me? And how many times before have I abandoned all responsibility for what was happening to me? How many crap shags have I endured and thought I was being wild and dangerous? How many people's lives had I fucked up with my stupid, drugged up, thoughtless actions? It had all seemed to make some kind of messed up sense before, but then I was always either off my head or mad, or both. A second later the immensity of that thought hit me. I had imagined being mad in the past tense. _The past tense_. I'm not fucking stupid. I knew I was still a fucking fruitcake, but for so many years psychosis has been such a massive part of my life that to imagine, even if only for a moment, a life beyond it was like a bolt of lightning through my brain. Unfortunately that left me with reality, and today reality fucking sucked. Emily and Naomi had buggered off somewhere, no doubt to find new and exciting places to shag, Katie had disappeared to drown herself in retail pleasure, and everyone else was sleeping off their excesses. The festival was over and I was fucking bored.

Tony was supposed to be coming to visit later as he'd been working in Manchester, and I should have been excited about that, but I was too full of self-loathing and hangover to whip up much enthusiasm. I tried taking my camera out and wandering around, but after an hour of aimlessness I realised I hadn't captured buggery shit worth looking at, and came back home for more sulking. There was still the sex problem to be dealt with. Operation Mindless Random Fuck hadn't exactly been a roaring success. Maybe I should rethink things and try and find someone nice. Ok, so maybe they wouldn't be Katie, but at least it would be safe. Boring, but safe. I wouldn't exactly have to let them know I would be fantasising about Katie Fitch in underwear as I came. There was always Freddie I supposed. He was nice, and he was in love with me. He still followed me round with his little puppy dog eyes when he was sure that Katie wasn't watching. It wouldn't be so dangerous to be around him now. He was clearly still terrified of her, and if he even stepped a centimetre out of line she would have his balls in a vice. The man himself wandered into view just then, stumbling lazily out of his truck. He did have a certain scruffy charm about him. But then he yawned, and belched and scratched his balls, spoiling the illusion. As Freddie wandered off to the toilets I was left with a question. What would I rather wake up to? Secret perving on the divinely clad or Freddie shoving his hand down a pair of unwashed boxers to fiddle with his genitals? Oh shit, I'm fucking buggered.

"Hey Effster," Cook's loud voice boomed out behind my head. "Where the fuck is everyone?"

I turned to him and shrugged.

"Ah well, fuck 'em," he smiled. "Cookie fancies pintage. Wanna join?"

Perfect. Distraction.

"So Effy," he said once we were halfway down the second pint in some grotty Wetherspoons. "How're ya doing? Had any attacks of the wierdies lately?"

I laughed so much I nearly spit beer in his face. I loved the way these people didn't mince their words when talking about my condition, but it was just their way of showing me that they cared.

"Not since Glastonbury," I replied.

"That's good stuff, Eff," said Cook cheerily. "Katie looking after ya then?"

"Yeah, she is," I smiled. "She chased away some guy who was giving me grief last night."

I saw Cook's hackles rise at the thought of someone messing with his tribe. I put my hand on his arm.

"No need to worry, Cook," I told him. "The only place that guy was going after Katie had seen to him was the hospital."

"Yeah?" said Cook, with a grin as wide as an ocean. "That girl is fucking hardcore. I wouldn't mess with her. Well I would if ya know what I mean, but I doubt she'd let me."

"I wouldn't let you," I said. "You're not in love with her, you're in love with Emily, and Katie deserves someone who's in love with her."

Cook opened his mouth to protest that he wasn't in love, but he faltered before a word left his lips.

"Don't fucking tell anyone," he whispered.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Cook," I assured him.

For a second a crazy notion fizzed into my head. Best of both worlds perhaps? A meaningless shag with someone nice? We did share a dilemma after all. We were both in love with a Fitch who didn't want us. He had fallen for the gay twin and I had fallen for the straight one. Idiots. I gave it some serious consideration. Cook was charming, and good looking, and I had already seen him naked several times. He probably wouldn't even mind me fantasizing about Katie, in fact he'd probably be fantasizing about Ems. But then the inadvertent mental image of the twin thing snapped me out of my reverie. No, it would be way too weird. Get a grip, Effy. Give it up and get a dildo.

"You know you're really fucking freaky sometimes," said Cook.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically.

"Not the psychosis thing," he said dismissively. 'That's just a medically explained condition. I mean the other stuff."

"The other stuff?"

"You know the mind reading and seeing the future, and the just fucking knowing everything about stuff."

"You really think I can do that?"

"I know you see more things than normal people do. Maybe you just see too much, and that's why your brain goes all funny."

"What would I know about normal people, Cook?"

"Aw I know you can see right through us, Eff."

"And you're classing yourself as normal are you?" I teased him.

"Touche," he said, mispronouncing the word.

"It's touché," I corrected him.

"It's an old joke," he giggled.

"I know," I replied. "I can read your mind."

Cook howled with laughter.

"I'm reading your mind right now," I said. "I know exactly what you're thinking."

"Yeah?" he said inquisitively.

"You're thinking we need vodka shots…"

Cook's joyous laughter rang out throughout the whole pub.

"It's uncanny," he said. "I was thinking just that."

"I'll get them in then," I smiled.

It was getting dark and we were pissed as rats by the time we made it back to the field. Cook ran into some mates down by the cabaret tent, and I decided to head back alone. The alcohol was starting to fuzz round my head in a not too pleasant way, and Tony still hadn't fucking called. I got back to the caravan but Katie wasn't there. I sat down grumpily on the bed. I wanted her. I wanted just to sit next to her and listen to her rabbit on about some shite like the X-Factor, or what colours were going to be in or out for the autumn. Listening to the comforting flow of words that meant nothing to me, I could concentrate on the music of her voice and I knew it would make me calmer. But where was she? Where was Tony? Where were Naomi and Emily? Where was my mum? Where were all the people who loved me and whose light shone so brightly they had the power to pierce my gloom and let my dark life seem a little more bearable? I couldn't stand being in the empty caravan any more so I wandered round the site looking for signs of life. I tried Freddie's van, but as soon as I opened the door, the clouds of toxic spliff smoke had me reeling backwards. Freddie was splayed back on his bed, in his boxers, his eyes bloodshot and barely open, struggling to focus on the visitor at the door.

"Effy," he grinned lazily, finally realising I was there.

So much for shining bright. Freddie was like one of those energy saving lightbulbs that barely shine at all when you first switch them on, only catching up to some decent semblance of illumination several minutes later. It was a fucking joke, he had nothing for me. I stormed out of the van without saying a word. My head was pounding now and even though it was starting to rain, my instincts told me where to go. Up. I pulled myself up the side of the tent, and started to climb up the lacing on the roof towards the top. Away, away from fucking everything and this shitty fucking day. The rain started pounding down around me, but I just sat there on top of the cupola letting it soak me to the skin. Why the fuck hadn't Tony called me? As if by some kind of magical psychic connection his ringtone sang out across the darkness, and I pulled the phone out of my pocket. Thank fuck for that, Tony would be here soon and it would all be ok.

"Hey Effy," his familiar cheeky voice came over the handset, but it wasn't right. I knew him too well. This wasn't going to be 'hey I'm just round the corner, and I can't wait to see you' this was going to be some cocksucking excuse, because he had his hands all over some bimbo and couldn't be arsed.

"I'm really sorry," he said. I fucking knew it. "But they kept us really late at that meeting, and now I'm really knackered..and…"

"And you only just thought to call me right now?" I spat back angrily. "You're a fucking liar and a lazy fucking bastard, Tony."

"Effy, are you ok?" called a voice from below.

Freddie. Jesus, had it really taken him all this time to get his shit together, and come and see if I was alright?

"And you can fuck off too," I yelled down at him, hurling my phone at him for good measure. He took right off, useless cunt. They were all fucking useless cunts, all of them. I had been right about love all along, it was useless and shit. It meant fucking nothing. I was shivering by now but I didn't fucking care, there was no way I was going back down. At least up here I was free from the world and all its fucking bullshit. Maybe I could just freeze to death up here in peace.

But it wasn't to be. As always her voice cut through everything around it like a torpedo speeding towards my ailing battleship, and I was done for. Freddie was beside her, obviously gone to fetch her. At least he was useful for something. Unlike him though, there was no uncertain dithering from Katie. She got him to help her up the side wall and she was straight up the side of the tent to help me. As soon as she reached me, she held out her arms and I sank gracefully into them.

"It's ok, babe," she soothed. "I'm here now. What is it sweetheart?"

I heard myself launch into some tirade about how shit the world was and how everybody had pissed me off and let me down, and how I couldn't find love but it was all bullshit anyway, but the more I droned on the more I could feel her arms tense away from their normal comforting embrace, until it finally stopped me in my tracks, and I pulled away to find her staring at me intently.

"Is there anyone else in there?" she asked me slowly.

"Only you and me, babe," I smiled at the familiar call and response. But Katie wasn't smiling.

"What the fuck is this?" she demanded.

"What do you mean?" I said nervously.

"You made me climb all the way up her in the pissing fucking rain for this?"

"What do you mean?" I repeated haltingly.

"There's nothing fucking wrong with you," she declared.

"But I just told you…" I stammered.

"All you just told me is that you're feeling sorry for yourself. You wanted to be normal, well welcome to it. This is what it's like for all of us. Life sucks sometimes, Effy. Everyone gets bored, everyone gets lonely. People are only human and sometimes they let you down. You just have to suck it up. You can't go hiding behind your Crazy Effy persona, every time things go a little tits up for you. If you want to be like the rest of us you have to take our shit as well as our sugar, honey."

I stared back at her in shock, this was Katie when the gloves were off.

"Everyone's got a sob story, Effy," she continued. "Thomas's homeland's been ripped apart by war. Emily's been disowned by her own mother just for liking girls. Freddie's mum killed herself. Cook was thrown out onto the streets when he was fourteen. Naomi's dad never wanted to know her. Everybody hurts, babes. I'm not making light of your illness, but these weren't demons you were telling me of just now, this was just fucking life in all its shitty glory."

"I'm sorry," I murmured.

"Never mind that,' said Katie dismissively. "Can we get off this fucking roof now?"

I nodded my assent and she led the way back to the caravan where she stripped me of my wet clothes, dried me off and put me to bed. All of her care was purely functional, I could tell she was still mad at me, and it hurt me more than I could say. I had let her down, and that hurt me even more. I felt like shit, but she was right, this was just life in all its shitty glory. If I was ever going to become the woman she deserved I was going to have to learn how to deal with it. It was as she thrust those fucking sleeping pills under my nose that I broke. It was like she was dismissing me, just like the doctors who sedated me when they had had enough of me.

"Stay with me," I begged her. I couldn't bear the thought of being sent into unconsciousness alone. She seemed to hesitate, debating with herself before giving me her answer.

"No Effy," she said, before heading off to her own bed. "You have to start learning to deal with stuff on your own."

Was this it? Was this the start of her getting bored of having to constantly rescue me from myself? I couldn't blame her. She had already lavished far more love on me than I deserved. Maybe it was just time to let her leave, just like everyone else did. But even as I thought it, my head was filled with visions of Katie telling me off for indulging in such self-pitying bullshit. Tomorrow was going to be a better day. A day when I was going to have to fight to win her back. Not because I couldn't survive without her, but because I didn't want to.

Somehow the little tiny soldiers in my brain held onto their resolve throughout the night, and I woke up determined to take the fight into the day. But before I could put my plan into action, my senses were assaulted by the smell of frying bacon. I blinked my eyes open to the wonderful sight of Katie Fitch in lingerie making breakfast. Making breakfast for me. She brought me a steaming cup of tea and bacon eggs and toast in bed. Her face was filled with a radiant smile and she looked at me with genuine affection. I was confused. I had woken up expecting to have to grovel, but here she was playing fifties fucking housewife for me.

"I don't get it," I said to her. "I was such a fucking tit last night."

"Yeah, you were," she smiled. "But I forgive you. You've had so many years of people treating you like a problem, you've forgotten how to be anything else. And I'm sorry I was harsh with you, but I don't want to treat you like a problem, I want to treat you like a friend. And when the people I love behave like tits, I let them know about it. You've seen me with Ems."

I smiled. It was true. I knew that Katie adored her sister, but she wouldn't let her get away with anything. Her refusal to allow me to wallow in my own bullshit was a sign of adoration and respect. Katie grabbed her own breakfast, and jumped into bed with me, jabbering away about her usual nonsense as we ate. The food was delicious, and I attacked it ravenously having substituted sustenance for alcohol the day before.

"This is well tasty," I told her.

"Yeah, well you can't take a tent down on yesterday's vodka fumes, missy," she replied.

I realised that this too was part of my normality. The taste of a gorgeous meal. The music of her voice. The easy warmth of her companionship. The thought of a solid day's work ahead. The adrenalin of the shows. The freedom of a life on the road with talented and beautiful people. And of course Katie Fucking Fitch in lingerie. Yeah, reality might suck sometimes, but it could also be rather fucking wonderful.


	17. 17 Perception

**A/N. Ok, first things first. Go and read 'City Of Saints' by Hylian. Its summary does not do it justice, but it's a fascinating read. Not only does it have a really interesting and original take on Emily and Naomi, but it also gives us really cool insight into street art culture and the people who make it, and has one of the best OC's ever written on here.**

**This chapter goes out to VanGoghGurrl as thanks for her wonderful oneshot "It's All About Perspective" which you should also read cause it's smoking..**

**And of course to everyone who has been patiently waiting for this update whilst I've been doing stupid amounts of rehearsing. I hope it is worth the wait. It does carry the Hyperfitched work/school/granny warning, and you might want to get some tissues for the last bit. I brought a tear to my own eye as I was writing it, and I'm as hard as nails.**

**I don't own Skins, but it has altered my perception form time to time…**

17. Perception

Katie

Ok, so I'm finally starting to get the whole tribe thing. We had only just put the fucking tent up in Brighton, when some chavvy knobheads decided they wanted to have a go at us. They had broken through the fence and were throwing shit at the tent and shouting a bunch of crap about us being gypsies and the like. But it was like everyone came out and stood together, you know like if they were having a go at one of us, they were having a go at all of us. And it was just them dick for brains being ignorant about just how hard we work and how much we care about what we do. And what we do makes people fucking happy so who are they to tell us fucking anything, right? Of course I saw red, it's what I do, but this time I wasn't just doing it for myself, I was doing it for the tribe. Not so long ago the people that surrounded me had seemed strange and foreign to me, like I had entered a world that I didn't fully understand. But now they were in my blood, they were part of who I was. The lifestyle kind of enforces that, we have to look after each other through the hard work, the constant travelling, the injuries and the lack of luxury and it makes for some incredibly strong bonds. That night I would have defended my people to the death.

Of course I didn't have to, the idiots found themselves overwhelmed by a double dose of Fitch fury as my sister joined me on the front line, and immediately caved when we showed them up for the brainless fucking cowards that they were. Emily was on fire. I think if anyone had actually really threatened her beloved Naomi, she would have ripped them limb from limb. And fucking hell, the way she kissed her afterwards sent shivers down my spine. I'm so used to taking the piss out of my sister and her ravenous sex monster ways, but this thing with Naomi is different. I've never seen Emily fall this hard. Sure I've known for ages that they wanted to shag each other, but it seems that that was only the start of it. If lust is like fire then they've got something hotter, like something white hot. Something almost too hot to look at, like the centre of an atomic explosion, except that it goes on and on. And on. The rest of us gave up and left them standing there, I think as much for fear of burning in their glare as for propriety. I didn't really speak to Eff after that, just went quickly to bed and tried to get to sleep before the violent disappointment of not being able to have a love like that tore my heart right from my chest.

There is one disadvantage of being in such a close knit group though, and that is life in the goldfish bowl. We all live so closely and spend so much time around each other, that's it virtually impossible even to fart without the rest of the company knowing about it. Personal space becomes a precious commodity, and time to yourself a rare luxury. The only one who seems to be able to keep secrets from us is Effy. She hadn't even told me that today was her birthday. Anthea and Tony rocked up out of the blue with presents for her, and it completely threw me. I felt a little pang of sadness that she hadn't trusted me with this information.

"What the fuck?" I said, trying to keep the aggression out of my voice. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"She doesn't like to make a fuss, do you sweetheart?" said Anthea. "She doesn't think she's worth it, but we think she's worth it, don't we Tone?"

"I think she's worth it too," I said. It hurt me that my wonderful Effy thought so little of herself.

"Open your present then, sis," said Tony.

All pain and sadness disappeared when I saw the look on her face as she opened her presents. So it was some fancy video camera with more buttons on it than I could ever hope to master, and some kinda dorkybrain software to go with it that I would never understand, but I understood Effy. I knew that her cameras were more than just tools to her, they were a way for her to see and to connect with the world even when she was lost. I knew that being given a place and a sense of purpose in this tribe had played a huge part in this reality starting to make more sense to her. I knew just how happy these gifts from her family would make her, and feeling that made me glow inside. Being behind the camera or editing her shots was when Effy came truly alive. I loved watching her work. For a girl who was so distant most of the time, who often suffered from dissociative disorder, her work was when she could reach out for life, capture it in all its finest detail and hold its beating heart in her hands. It fed her, and it was making her whole again. The ghost girl who had turned up with Anthea on the first day of rehearsals was finally turning into a woman, and it was a beautiful thing to see.

Not so beautiful was Emily's reaction to the little secret I had been keeping from her, which I had rather cruelly revealed through Naomi, protecting myself from the tantrum I knew would follow. I should have told her ages ago that Mum and Dad were coming to see the show tonight, but I knew she'd go fucking mental, and I'm so fucking over it. It's not Dad that's the problem, he's still the same sweet adoring guy he's always been, and nothing would stop him loving Ems. If she became a serial killer I still think he'd find a way to love her. But Mum was a different picture altogether. I don't know what century she thinks she's living in, but when Ems came out she proper went off the chart. She refused to accept it, even when it became obvious that it definitely wasn't a 'phase she was going through'. They've had so many screaming matches and Ems proper hates her. She's never forgiven her for treating her like a stupid little girl who should just get over it and settle down. In a way I think Ems would find it easier if Jenna just told her she was a freak, and never to darken her doorstep again, but all she does is try to pretend that Emily isn't who she is, and force her back into being 'normal'.

My mind flashed back to another one of those stupid games we somehow seem to get involved in when we're drunk. The whole gang was hanging out in Cook's caravan and it was my turn in a truth or dare. I was trying to decide the best option but it was Effy who was to decide my torture, so whichever way I chose I would be fucked. I plumped for truth.

"What do you love most?" she asked me with an evil smile on her face. "Shoes or cock?"

The whole caravan erupted into laughter, but Effy kept those wicked blue eyes fixed firmly upon me. Seriously Eff, as if that was even a question.

"Shoes, obviously," I replied, eliciting more howls of laughter from my pissed up audience.

"I'm hurt, Katiekins," said Cook, clutching his hand to his heart as if mortally wounded.

"Not your cock, Cook," I said coolly, watching the hope light up in his eyes. "I love my mother's beetroot and artichoke soup more than I love _your_ cock."

"Do you all love shoes more than cock?" frowned Freddie.

"No, I love cock, as long as it's Thomas's cock," offered Panda enthusiastically.

"Not really that bothered about either," shrugged Naomi.

"Well I definitely love shoes more than cock," giggled Emily.

"What about pussy?" Effy asked her.

Em's eyes glazed over and a slow, delighted and decidedly filthy smile slithered across her face. When we were teenagers, I used to fantasise about owning my first pair of Manolo Blahniks. Emily kept a box of fannies under her bed. When shoes lose out to pussy, Jenna is clearly fighting a losing battle.

They were as bad as each other, Jenna refused to give up and accept Emily, and Emily did deliberately outrageous things just to piss her off. And I was bored of it, so I rather shamelessly dumped the responsibility onto Naomi. Now Emily had run off with the predicted hissy fit, Naomi was away somewhere pining for her, and Effy had gone off with her family to play with her new toy. Finally some room to breathe away from the women in my life and all their complications. Site was quiet, there had been no further trouble from last night's dickheads. I laughed as I remembered Emily's parting shot to them.

"Fuck you," the chief wanker had proclaimed as he ran away.

"Fuck you with an electric blue glow in the dark vibrating strap-on," my sister screamed at his receding form.

Though I dread to think what Emily might get up to with an electric blue glow in the dark vibrating strap on, the thought did set off a spark in my mind once my laughter had subsided. It had been fucking ages since I'd had a shag, and all I'd seen in Brighton so far were gay men, and chavs I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Maybe it was the moment for some quality time with Mr Buzzy.

I closed the curtains and locked the door, before going to the drawer to extract my vibrator. People have a habit of barging in without knocking round here, and me and Mr Buzzy were not to be disturbed. I flicked the switch on and off to check the batteries, before lying back on the bed and flicking through my portfolio of mental images to help me on my way. Johnny Depp in his pirate outfit? The flying trapeze catcher from Divine Drop Circus? Emily's friend Colin who in Katie Fitch fantasy land was definitely not gay as a window. Yeah Colin would do, he was a tall, gorgeous, buffed up mixed race guy with caramel skin and glorious dark brown eyes. I started the fantasy with him finding me alone at Emily's flat, coming onto me as I start making him a cup of tea, pushing me against the fridge, his hands starting to wander over my body. I started to squeeze my breast with my own free hand as I imagined him kissing me, thrusting his tongue deep into my mouth and taking control. I was so horny it didn't take me long to make myself wet, and I pictured Colin's cock getting hard as I started to rub the vibrator against my clit. I gasped as the physical sensation of its touch took over me. God, I needed this, I needed this pleasure. I needed this release.

I clutched at my breast again, pinching the nipple as the sparks of sexual energy started to buzz through my body, but then something started going wrong with this picture. The vision I had of Colin's hands on my tits started to morph into a different one. His large brown masculine hands were replaced by softer, paler, more slender ones. Feminine hands. Suddenly it wasn't Colin who had me open legged and grinding against the door of Emily's fridge. It was Effy. The vision had her biting into my neck, and I felt another tremendous surge from the touch of the vibrator before I whipped it away and snapped my eyes open. Shit. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to want her like this. Yeah, so I knew I was kind of in love with her, but I was supposed to be dealing with it, not perving on the idea of her fucking me up against domestic appliances.

Sometimes I don't get why Effy likes me. I talk to her about Strictly Come Dancing and she talks to me about brain chemistry and psychology. But the thing is, she makes me understand it. She never assumes that I'm too stupid to understand complex things, something a lot of people have been guilty of in the past. Ok, so I'm not Stephen fucking Hawking, but even if I'm struggling, Effy always finds a way to explain things. So the deal is, I know a lot more about how the brain works these days, and these things I know. I really need to get myself off right now, and my brain is telling me that I need to think about Effy to do it. Would it really be so bad? It's not like she's ever going to find out. Cause I'm certainly not going to tell her.

I closed my eyes again. Mr Buzzy was still quivering away in my hand, and my rebellious brain flooded itself with Effy again. Fuck it, I was going to have to go with it. I was back against the fridge door again, with Effy's hand sneaking up my skirt, and her lips and tongue tasting mine. Fuck, it felt good. I pushed the vibrator against my clit again as I imagined her fingers creeping into the fabric of my pants and searching out my wetness. I pushed myself harder against the beautiful feeling in my groin.

"I love how fucking wet you are," imaginary Effy purred inside my head.

"Oh God, I need you," I cried into her hair.

And I did. I needed to feel her forcing me back into that door, invading me with passionate kisses and playing my clit like a fucking piano. I squirmed around in the bed as I let the vision take hold of me, teasing myself as I let my fantasy Effy rip the front of my blouse open and tear my its out of my bra, taking one into her mouth and sucking on me hard. It felt fucking glorious, but suddenly it wasn't enough. I grabbed the back of her hair roughly and pulled her face up to meet mine. I was mesmerised by those amazing fucking blue eyes of hers. I knew what I wanted, and I knew she knew what I wanted. Of course she fucking knew, she always knows. But still she held my gaze, and I knew she just wanted me to say it.

"I want you to fuck me," I said thrusting my hips forwards so her fingers slid messily through my dripping folds. For once Effy's trademark smirk was more eloquent than words, it told me that was exactly what she was going to do.

I pushed the vibrator inside me as I imagined Effy's long fingers invading me, pushing herself into my hungry cunt, and taking me as I begged her for more. From then I lost all concept of being alone in the caravan in Brighton, as the fantasy overwhelmed me and all I could think about was how amazing it was being fucked by her, her mouth all over my breasts again and her fingers setting my nerves on fire. I was as rough with myself as I let Effy be with me in the dream but it felt fucking sensational, and I screamed at her in my head to take me even harder. I thrust my hips at her faster and faster, feeling the sensation of building orgasm taking over my whole consciousness. The devil was in my Effy now, her hypnotic eyes were filled with raging desire as she pushed me towards a cataclysmic bliss.

"I fucking love you, Katie Fucking Fitch," her smoky voice screamed through my brain and I climaxed immediately, breathing heavily as I pictured myself coming for Effy Stonem in my sister's kitchen. My orgasm was huge. I don't think I've ever made myself come like that before. I switched off Mr Buzzy, but kept him inside me for the aftershocks, and of course I drifted straight back to where it wasn't cold hard plastic inside me, but Effy's beautiful warm fingers still caressing me as she held me for my come down, breathing soft kisses into my neck.

.

.

.

Well how fucking gay was that? Not only did I wank off over my best friend, but I imagined lying there for cuddles afterwards. Fortunately I had my family's drama to distract me from my own. Emily had stayed away all day as I knew she would, only coming back just before the show. But what I didn't expect was the way that Naomi managed to calm her down. Ems had arrived back on site still in the grip of the foulest of tempers, but by the time she came back in the tent for warm up, she was laughing and cuddling with her girlfriend again. Maybe that's what love is for us Fitches, when we find someone who can soothe our boiling fury. The show was some kinda awesome, Ems and Naomi were on fire, like they were trying to prove just how fucking wonderful they were together, and of course the audience went fucking mental as they always do when those two start revving up. Anthea had been right to call them the engine of the show, cause when they put their foot down we were all speeding along in that open top Ferrari with our hair blowing in the wind. I was so buzzed up when we were onstage I almost forgot the coming storm, but as soon as the applause died down my sense of foreboding returned. Not only was Jenna going to have to cope with seeing Emily with another new girlfriend, she would have been subjected to their doubles act, which for a homophobe of her magnitude must have been some kind of torture.

I changed out of my costume as quickly as I could, hoping to be able to deflect some of Mum's anger before Emily got to her, but I could tell by the strain in her voice as she greeted me, she was already barely able to contain herself. My Dad embraced me warmly, but I could tell he was nervous. Just like me, he was waiting for the inevitable. We didn't have to wait for long, almost as soon as Emily arrived in the tent, Mum went on the attack.

"What in God's name do you think you're doing?" she fumed at Emily.

Oh God, here we go again, fighting Fitches at the ready.

"I'm doing a show, Mum," replied Emily with a cold calmness. "I'm a performer, remember?"

To her credit, or maybe because of Naomi's influence, Emily was giving Mum a chance to be reasonable, a chance she threw back in her face.

"Parading yourself around like some kind of freak," hissed Jenna. "It's shameful."

"It's called art," spat Emily condescendingly.

Her hackles were raising, I could tell this wasn't going to end well. Ever since she had met Naomi, Emily's belief in the artistic side of what she does had blossomed. She knew this was where she belonged. Her art was who she was. Jenna, however begged to differ.

"Oh it is, is it?" she countered. "Disgusting is what I call it."

"Bet you wouldn't think it was so fucking disgusting if I was up there with a boy," yelled Emily.

"Well that would be better than having to watch that peroxide deviant groping you in front of everybody."

Oh fuck, Mum. Don't drag Naomi into this.

"I'm taking you out of here," seethed Jenna, grabbing Emily by the wrist.

"The fuck you are," shouted Emily, shaking her off.

"You had a lovely act with Katie. Why do you want to mess that up by desporting yourself in this filth?"

"That act was killing me, Mum."

"Oh so working with your sister was killing you, eh? Don't her feelings count any more, that you have to drag her down with you?"

I had watched in a fascinated horror as the argument escalated. I had seen them at each other's throats so many times before. I knew if I didn't try to stop it, they would rip each other to shreds.

"She's not dragging me anywhere," I protested, but Mum was not to be derailed.

"You're bringing shame on this family. And your ruining Katie's life because of what? Because of her?" she said, glaring at Naomi as if trying to kill her with just the power of her mind. "Is this the slag you're giving it up to these days?"

I'm not afraid of much, but in that instant a terrible panic ripped through my heart. Mum could insult Emily all she liked, let's face it she had been doing it for years; she could even have had a go at any other of Emily's lovers, she had never been shy about that; but the second she insulted Naomi I was terrified our family would finally be ripped apart for good. Ems loved her blonde chainsmoking cloudswinger so fucking much I was scared of the lengths she would go to to protect her. Emily exploded with rage.

"Take it back," she screamed. "Don't you dare talk about her like that. You're not fit to even look at her. Take it back you fucking piece of shit!"

I looked to Naomi for help. She would be the one person who could get Emily to calm down, but she was paralysed by the intensity of the hatred between the mother and daughter in front of her. Then it all started to go totally tits up. Jenna raised her hand to smack Emily round the face with real venom, and the rest of us just stood there like rabbits in the headlights. Except for Anthea, who had no doubt had to deal with much worse than this. She kept her cool and stepped in to whisk Emily out of harm's way.

"I don't fucking think so," said Anthea, holding Emily in her arms, protecting her the way a mother should.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" hissed Jenna furiously.

"I'm the woman your daughter comes to cause her mother's a complete cock," said Anthea. "What are you going to do about it?"

Shit that had to hurt, but Mum didn't flinch. I felt myself on the verge of tears. Could Jenna really be so cruel, she had lost all sense of love for my sister? My twin sister? The other half of me? Naomi shook herself out of her stupor and tried to play peacemaker.

"Listen, we all love Emily,' she said. "Can't we find a way to work this all out together?"

"What would you know about love, you perverted little queer?" snarled the monster my mother had morphed into. "I don't want you messing my daughter up any more than you already have done, so why don't you just….."

Suddenly the set and the back walls of the tent were flooded with light. It took me a few moments to focus in on the fact that they were images playing from the projectors, and in those few moments Mum's voice dried up completely. They were images of her own face, captured only a minute before. She looked awful, her face was twisted and ugly as she had spat out her words of hatred, and now there were multiple versions of her staring right back at her seething with revulsion. It was the one thing that had stopped her in her tracks in all the years I had known her. The truth of her own reflection.

I knew who was responsible of course. The only woman I knew with enough insight to fight the firestorm that was Jenna Fitch. I looked up at Effy on the tech tower, her beautiful face bathed in the reflection from her laptop, as she concentrated on the next phase of her plan. Effy knew all about the darkness in people's hearts. She knew it because she had lived there. With a final click on her trackpad, she sent sound booming through the PA and Mum's voice came looping back at her to seal her fate.

'Shameful, disgusting, freak. Shameful, disgusting, freak.'

It was a plan of terrifying simplicity, to merely show Jenna who she really was, but Jenna had no idea how to handle it. She looked around in a wild panic for the person responsible, her eyes finally settling on Effy, who by this time was sitting perched on the rail of the tech tower. In that moment I bought into Emily's theory about Anthea having had trysts with the gods, cause her beautiful daughter certainly looked something more than human. She was so different from anyone I had known. Despite our intimacy I felt I had only just scratched her surface, and I wondered if I would ever get to truly know the wonders that lay hidden in her depths.

"That's the problem when you see too much," said Effy. "Some of the things you see are just too ugly to bear. And if you close your mind and don't see enough, you miss the most beautiful things right in front of you. Emily is full of love. She's beautiful. And so is Katie. But if you don't stop this you'll lose them both."

I felt all the tension in my shoulders drop away as I raced up the seating bank to find her. Somewhere below me the drama continued to play out. I was vaguely aware of my mother bolting from the tent, but all I could see was Effy. All I could sense was Effy. She was the most amazing person I had ever met, and I had to let her know. I climbed into the tech tower, and wrapped my arms around her from behind, peppering tiny kisses into her hair.

"Was that alright?" she asked me nervously.

"Effy, you're a fucking genius," came my enthusiastic reply.

I looked own to see Emily grinning up at us like a maniac. She had the air of a victorious gladiator who had just killed her most vicious rival.

"So who wants a fucking drink then?" said Anthea, waving round a bottle of champagne. "It is Effy's birthday after all."

I felt my own surge of contempt for Jenna run through my blood. Who was she to come here and ruin my Effy's birthday? But when Effy squeezed my hand, I let it go. I was fucking fed up of all the anger, and visciousness and hate that had been festering round my family for years. All I wanted was fucking peace and love and happiness, and it was being with Effy that gave me all of those things. I had always been Mum's favourite, especially once Emily had come out. But how long would that last if she knew what I'd been thinking that afternoon? Was her love for me as fake as her love for Emily? What would she do if she knew that the one person who could make me feel like a woman again, was another woman? Would she really start to hate me, just cause I had fallen in love? I wanted to forget her, and concentrate on this beautiful girl who was setting my soul on fire, but life could never be that simple in the fabulous fucking Fitch family, could it? Just as we were cracking open the champagne, my Dad came stumbling back breathlessly with the news that Mum had disappeared.

I think Ems was all for abandoning her to her fate, but somehow Effy was our catalyst again. Her offer of help drew us all into the hunt, and we found ourselves split into groups searching the streets for my wayward parent. I was with Dad and Effy when the call came through from Naomi that she and Emily had found Mum. As Rob sped away to where he had parked the car, my heart began to fill with dread about how that little encounter might pan out, but I felt Effy's arms surround me from behind, and felt her warm breath falling on my neck. As always, I felt the rhythm of my lungs being drawn towards hers, and its steady pace began to sooth me.

"Don't worry," said Effy softly. "Things will start to be different now."

My instincts told me to trust her completely, but my mind was still fascinated by how she could be so certain. I twisted round in her arms till I was facing her.

"How do you know?" I asked her honestly.

She responded with one of those annoyingly all-knowing smirks she reserved for the general public, but I knew I was more to her than that.

"Enough with the cryptic, babe, yeah?" I said. "It's me."

Her face dropped its façade immediately at my request.

"I can see it," she said.

"Yeah, but how?" I pleaded, because I wanted her to be right. She knew so much about the brain. So yeah, she was supposed to be mad, but she was also frighteningly intelligent.

"I have a heightened sense of perception," she replied. "Some of it falls within the boundaries of what you would call reality, and some of it doesn't. There's no one explanation for the things I see, but throughout all of history and all cultures there have always been, seers, shamen, witches, whatever. People on the fringes of 'normality' who seemed to possess some kind of 'magic' powers. In the seventies they called it ESP, extra sensory perception. Some of science dismisses it as bullshit, but some of science clearly admits there are things about our universe that remain beyond common perception. Modern physics believes that every particle can exists in a state of multiple possibilities until it is observed. Maybe I'm just an observer who can see more possibilities than most."

Ok, so maybe she lost me a bit in the physics part, but Brian used to talk about football, and play zombie games on Playstation. Effy was something else, and I loved her for it. For drawing me into her world. For actually making me think.

"Let's go find a club," she said. "If all the drama's over I want a fucking dance."

I had no idea where we were going, but I followed her blindly anyway. It was almost as if she could sniff out the best place to be, and once we had found it, we texted the others to come and join us. The club was cool, really cool and not full of wankers, despite the fact that it was Saturday night. Maybe Effy had just observed the possibility of us being in the best fucking club in Brighton and had made it happen. Either way we were having a fucking blast. At first we all hung out together, laughing and knocking back booze to release the tension of the day. But then Effy dragged me off to the dance floor, and all those little particles in the universe danced their dance into one single possibility. Effy. And me. Together. She held me as we danced, and I lost myself in her. I could have happily stayed there all night and drowned in that simple touch. Effy was so free when she danced and being drawn along into her effortless swaying was an irresistible sensation. The motion of our bodies was starting to turn me on and once again this afternoon's vision of her fucking me sprang wantonly into my head. I suddenly saw how perception could so completely alter your reality. I no longer saw myself as Katie Fitch, rampant heterosexual of this parish. I knew that I loved Effy. Now I knew that I wanted her as well. My brain had finally allowed me to see the possibility of us being together, and now it had become real.

I had to tell her. Even though I knew she hated the idea of people falling in love with her, I couldn't keep it from her any more. I had to know if she could see that possibility too.

Unfortunately Effy chose just that moment to go outside for a fag, and I was momentarily too shell shocked just to follow her. I came to my senses soon after and headed towards the door that led to the terrace. Before I could find Effy, however, I came across Anthea and Tony. They were standing with their backs to me, leaning on the balcony wall that overlooked the car park below. I was going to ask them if they'd seen Effy, but their conversation stopped me in my tracks.

"I can't believe the change in Effy," said Tony. "She's looking so much better, and she sounds like she's really in control of things."

"Yeah," replied Anthea happily. "She fucking loves this circus, and Katie seems to be such a good influence on her. She's been like a different girl since they became close. It's like Katie keeps her solid, gives her the room she needs to fight back."

"So how long have they been shagging?" asked Tony.

"They're not," answered Anthea. "Effy doesn't want to. She thinks it's far more important to keep the friendship."

"That's not like Eff. She's usually fuck first and ask questions later."

"Yeah, but she doesn't want that with Katie. She needs her to help her heal. Think about it, Tone. If Effy could finally be free of this vengeful fucking shadow that's been clawing at her back for years, it would be fucking immense. She's finally got hope, and I dread to think what would happen if she lost it again. I don't want to lose her, Tony. I couldn't fucking bear it."

Anthea's words ripped my sense of balance from underneath me and I had to cling on to the nearest table to support myself. I started shaking as the concept started ringing round my head. Effy doesn't want me. Effy doesn't want me. But it was worse than that. If I tried to force her into it and I cocked it up, I could be responsible for sending her back into the depths again, and I couldn't live with that. I remembered what she had told me about Joe, and how it was love that had sent her on the downward spiral once before. Cunting hell, Katie, what the fuck were you thinking? Even though I was outside, I had the sensation that I couldn't breathe, and I abandoned my search for Effy and stumbled back into the club. I was barely aware of my surroundings, but I zeroed in on the bar, and started barging my way towards it. I collided with some guy, and was about to give him a mouthful when I realized it was Cook.

"What's the matter Katiekins?" he asked with genuine concern in his eyes. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Not a ghost, Cook. Just one too many possibilties. I have seen the possibility where I hurt Effy so badly she cannot recover from it, and it has scared the fucking shit out of me. If Effy really does see everything, it's no wonder she struggles to cope. I buried myself in Cook's strong arms for a moment, and it helped. He didn't ask any more questions. His silent strength was his love for his tribe, and I gratefully let myself draw from his power. I knew I would need it. When I saw Effy walking towards us with that new, confident, beautiful smile on her face, my instinct was to run, to fear that I would never be strong enough to give her what she needed. But I knew I couldn't let that happen. She might not want me for her lover, but she still needed me. I forced myself to see only the reality where I would be there for her, through thick and thin, as her friend. So this was love then. Not what I had thought of it before, where some boy would fall for me and pamper to my every whim, but where I would put the girl I loved before my own shallow desires. I squeezed Cook's arms as I stood up to face my destiny.

"Hey babes," I smiled at Effy. "Wanna dance some more?"

She reached out and took my hand, pulling me back into the throng of bodies and the reality I saw would give me the strength to hold my nerve.

She was happy.

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**With Love, Hypes xx**


	18. 18 White Water Rafting

**A/N Hello my lovlies. Yes, of course Mr Buzzy was a reference to Mr Pointy, I just couldn't resist it. Sorry to still be a bit sucky about reviewing, but please know I am still enjoying all the wonderful and disparate stories out there, so thanks for writing them. Well our show is finally up and running though we're all still quite tired. I actually fell asleep over my Macbook (who incidentally is called Mr Shiny) when I was trying to write some of this last night. Fortunately I am slightly more awake tonight and have managed to type without any narcoleptic episodes. So here it is. Enjoy.**

**I don't own Skins, but I would do dirty dancing just to make it jealous.**

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18. White Water Rafting

Effy

I had known that this moment would come. Of course I knew, I know fucking everything, or so everyone seems to think. I see so much, and yeah sometimes I see way too much for my battered little brain to cope with, but I hadn't really seen this in my head before. I think I'd rather poke my own eyes out with sticks than see it in front of me now. Truth is, I have a weakness and her name is Katie Fitch. Even when I know what everyone else is thinking, when it comes to her I'm blind. Sometimes I wonder if I make myself blind for her, because I don't want to face the truth. A truth that doesn't have me in it. But there's no hiding from it now. My annoyingly lucid brain is telling me in no uncertain terms that this is cold hard reality, and I have no choice but to face it.

She told me I'd have to take the shit as well as the sugar, but to be honest up until now it's been all sugar. Brighton was a blast. Apparently that little stunt I pulled on Jenna got her and Emily talking properly for the first time in years. Which made Katie happy and grateful, and a grateful Katie is not something I'd ever turn down in a hurry. Thanks to her and Mum and Tony, I actually had a birthday I enjoyed. I had the will and the motivation to celebrate, and even began to feel I might be worth celebrating after all. Katie had danced closely with me all night, and as usual I had felt all my troubles melting away at her touch, until there was only the two of us lost in our little bubble of love. And yeah, I had to constantly douse the sparks of desire that that touch consistently generated, but it was worth it to be near her, where I felt safe, where I felt appreciated. Where I felt loved. So I had to shamelessly use my addiction to nicotine to escape her grasp every now and again lest I shatter under the pressure, but each time I returned she would open her arms willingly to me again, and I could return to my safe haven, to my anchor.

I thought of her as family now. I realised she loved me like Mum and Tony did. Unquestioningly. When I asked if I could stay with her that night, she simply smiled and welcomed me into her bed, where I fell asleep next to her beautiful lingerie clad form happier than I'd ever imagined I could be.

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And then we moved up to Manchester, to this Arts Council Showcase. My Mum had programmed the fringe event, and anything that was cool was happening in our tent. My grasp of the notion of what other people called reality was getting stronger all the time, but at the same time the concept itself began to change. I watched as the world transformed itself from something cold and scary and callous into a place of joy and opportunity. Often places that were loud and busy could become confusing for me, allowing the edges to blur and leaving me exposed to the demons. But this new world was peopled by beautiful freaks of all descriptions, whose purpose in life was to touch your heart and make you feel. And it was a place where my friends and family were stars. Anthea was hugely popular. It was hard to find a moment when she wasn't surrounded by little crowds of people all gushing about how fabulous her work was. All the others had found themselves similar fan clubs, and the Abandon show and Cabaret Extreme were the hits of the festival.

And the biggest surprise of all. I was part of it. For once I wasn't the weirdo with the freaky stare sat on the edge of the crowd. To these people I was no longer Anthea's mentally unstable daughter. I was the girl who did the visuals for Abandon. And people were taking me seriously, talking to me as if I was a real artist. At first, I tried to put myself down, not really taking any credit, but somehow Katie would always pop up and start bigging me up, telling people what an amazing talent I was and how lucky they were to be working with me. One day she came back from town with a whole stack of those instant business cards printed up for me, and started dishing them out to anyone who took an interest, like she was my manager or something. To my amazement, other companies started asking me to shoot their shows, or take publicity shots for them. At first I thought the fees that Katie proposed were outrageous, but she assured me they were the going rate and I was worth it. A possible future flashed itself before me. A future where I was no longer dependent on Anthea, but earning my own way doing something that I loved. I was sane and in control, respected in my field and making beautiful art.

And in a relationship with Katie Fitch. No matter how hard I tried to avoid it, my brain always managed to slip that little nugget into the fantasy. In every imagined scenario there was always one constant. Katie was my partner. And I mean partner in the fullest sense of the word, living with me, working with me, supporting me, loving me and believing in me. Just like she had been doing for a while now, except with kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. Fuck, what I wouldn't give to kiss those beautiful lips, to feel the sensation of her tongue on mine. To taste her and lose myself in her incredible softness. Just to fucking kiss her.

Like that fucking guy was kissing her right now.

Katie was no longer a fish out of water with Abandon. She had fully embraced the lifestyle and her place within it. Strangely, the harder Emily had fallen in with Naomi, the more Katie had been able to emerge as a member of the tribe in her own right. Not only did she belong, but she had taken ownership of her place, and the unique and vital energy of Katie Fucking Fitch had become an important part of our group dynamic. For a while, her sister had been the only thing keeping her afloat, but as she saw Emily being dragged away inexorably towards her lover, Katie had a decision to make. Left with the choice between sink or swim, Katie had chosen to swim. Somewhere she had found the strength to believe in herself again. All of the self-doubt I had seen when she had first joined the tour seemed to be melting away, leaving a breathtaking firebrand in its place.

She had been followed around by doting guys all weekend, and she was loving the attention. This was Katie where she longed to be, in the spotlight being adored, able to pick and choose those upon whom she deigned to bestow her affection. It hadn't bothered me at first. It was great to see her so happy and so powerful. Even when she flirted with them, it was ok, cause she would always have half an eye out for me, often abandoning her suitors just to come and hang out with her crazy best friend. And tonight hadn't been any different at first. It was the last night here, and there was a massive after party going on in the tent. I had been doing visuals for Naomi's DJ set and she was pumping the crowd up a storm. She must have spotted Emily out on the dance floor, cause next track she put on their theme tune, the Linkin Park mash up of 99 Problems. Not the most romantic song for an 'our tune', especially considering how slushy the pair of them had become now that they finally had each other, but appropriate nonetheless. The first time they'd touched when they did their doubles was when they'd lit their fire.

When Naomi started to raunch it up on the tech tower to wind up her girl, what else was there to do but join her? She wasn't the only one with a fabulous Fitch on the floor. I started feeding loops and images of the twins through the projectors, filling the tent with larger than life versions of the two of them. Of course that got Katie's attention, and when she smiled up at me the reactor went critical in my heart and nothing could stop the explosion of feeling that burned me from the inside out. The atmosphere between the four of us sizzled with mischief and lust, as we exchanged provocative glances and dared each other on. Naomi and I started dirty dancing on the tower, much to the delight of the crowd, and Emily and Katie answered us with moves that were probably illegal between siblings in several states of America. That started a competition as to who could be the filthiest of all, and even though the game was just for the four of us, there were plenty of delighted spectators more than happy to watch the show. Being this raunchy with Naomi who I didn't want gave me licence to be just as forward with Katie, cause I could play it as just a part of the game. And though I would have given my right arm to have swopped places and be actually dancing with Katie right now, I still gave it everything I could from a distance, remembering every now and then to throw the same moves over towards Emily to disguise my naked lust. When Katie's eyes burned back at me I could have sworn that what I saw in them was the evidence of real desire, but all too soon the track ended and my attention was pulled back to my computer and by the time I had changed the loops and looked for her again, she was nowhere to be seen.

As soon as our set was over, I started to look for her. Despite myself I felt a slight panic starting to rise. I wasn't going to be clingy, I just needed to see her and then everything would be alright. Instead I stumbled upon Emily, slightly wasted in the middle of the dance floor, swaying sensually from side to side with an impossibly wide smile on her face. All around her there were eyes upon her, and the anxious heartbeats of people who were working up the courage to make a move on her. For a moment I abandoned my quest for Katie as I became fascinated by the scenario in front of me. Emily danced sublimely round her admirers like a creature from another world, something so beautiful that they were desperate to possess but somehow couldn't even begin to grasp. It was then that I noticed Naomi in the shadows, but instead of the possessive anger I expected to see in her eyes there was nothing but self satisfied amusement. Naomi had no need of jealously, because she knew what she had. She knew that Emily was hers. She watched Emily's dazzling form gyrating in her electric blue dress, the one she had worn to stake her claim at Gina's party, knowing that Emily had worn that dress for her, and that the only person who would get to unzip her out of it would be Naomi herself.

Normally the intensity of their passion brings me nothing but light, but in that moment I envied them their certainty. Even when they were apart, they both knew the other would be waiting for them. I felt a painful physical pang for my soul mate, but I had no such certainty. I could only wonder where she was and if she would be waiting for me. I continued to push my way around the throngs of people. God, it was fucking rammed in here tonight. Several minutes later I was still searching, when the colours started to blur and my perception of the sound started to become a little bendy. Oh shit, not another fucking episode, not now. I couldn't let it fucking take me now. I had been well for too long now, and I was starting to like it. I found my way towards a king pole. The solidity of the cold hard metal gave me something to cling on to. I ignored the smoking regulations, pulling a cigarette from my pack and sparking it up. I needed to stay fucking focussed, and took deep drags of the nicotine to help me do it. Right Effy, make a plan. You can do it. Stay on it. Think. Find Emily and Naomi, you saw them just a moment ago. Get them to help you out of the tent, then one of them can stay with you whilst the other goes to find Katie. Cause you are not going back into the darkness, sister. No fucking way.

I took a last drag of my cigarette and lifted my head up, full of resolve to execute my cunningly formed and somewhat brilliant plan. And that was when I saw it. He was kissing her. Some fucking guy was kissing my Katie.

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Katie

So far I had managed to keep a lid on it. I was actually rather fucking proud of myself. Witness me, the new super mature Katie Fitch, putting other people's needs before my own. And managing to skilfully conceal the fact that every time Effy so much as smiled, it made me want to throw her against the nearest available surface and start ripping her clothes off. It wasn't fucking easy either, cause Effy was smiling a hell of a lot more than she used to these days. But it's not just the smiling. Pretty much anything she does turns me on right now. The way those long necklaces she wears fall down between her breasts. The way she lurks in doorways when she's having a fag. The way she chops the vegetables when she's helping me cook, something I'm doing more and more of these days, just so I can watch her wield a knife. Only the other day she was lying on her stomach on her bed reading a book.

"What ya reading, Eff?" I asked her.

"The Modulation Of Dopaminergic Neurotransmission By Other Neurotransmitters, " she replied casually.

The way she said 'Dopaminergic Neurotransmission', rolling the words sensually round her beautiful tongue nearly made me go and book a hotel room for me and Mr Buzzy. I focussed earnestly on my own reading material by way of a distraction. Suddenly Grazia magazine didn't seem nearly so fascinating.

Even so, I had been coping with it all. Being there for her. Not running away. When we rocked up at the Arts Council thing, and people start taking an interest in her work, it was me there supporting her, encouraging her to branch out and start taking on more work. And even when I'd caught one or two of them taking more than a professional interest in her, I swallowed my fucking pride and didn't cause a scene, even though it was fucking killing me. Luckily Effy didn't even seem to notice them, so I was able to keep the red mist under control. I dreaded to think what would happen when she started to take an interest back. If I was helping her back to a healthy life then surely, forming relationships would have to be part of that. I was cutting my own throat. Would it not be better for me to keep her weak and vulnerable and needing me? Better for me maybe, but not for her. I was just going to have to suck it up when the time came, but I wasn't over hoping that time would be a fucking long way off.

By the time we reached the final after party, I was veering wildly between being hugely proud of how far she had come and being terrified of what that progress would mean for me. All weekend I had watched the slushed up vomity love bucket that was my sister and her ice blonde princess with increasing resentment. How dare they have the perfect fucking relationship with deep, intense and beautiful emotion _and_ unbelievable amounts of filthy sex, when the woman of my dreams just wanted to be friends? It wasn't fucking fair.

There she was on the tech tower, the fabulous Effy Stonem, looking all cool and intelligent and gorgeous, nonchalantly tinkering with technology I'd never understand and making beautiful things happen. Try as I might, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. There was only one way out of here – oblivion. For the past couple of months I'd been pretty fucking moderate about getting off my head. Trying to lead Effy by example and make her not feel so alone amongst the bunch of wasters that we called our friends. But enough was enough. She was coping so much better now and I needed to go white water rafting on a river of vodka and cocaine.

Consequently I was high as a whole fucking kite festival by the time a terminally smirking Naomi hit us with her and Emily's tune. I watched as Effy filled the space with pictures of me and Emily as we hurtled towards the chorus I knew was coming. I turned back towards her just in time to watch her beautiful mouth spit out our bastardised lyrics.

"I got 99 problems but a Fitch ain't one."

And she blew the bloody doors off. A thirty foot wave of passion and horniness smacked into me from behind, sending me tumbling out of control and gasping for breath. Effy and Naomi started working the crowd, grinding up against each other provocatively. I knew Naoms was only doing it to wind Emily up, but God did I want to be where she was right now. Effy kept flashing deep dark glances at me. Was she trying to do the same? Either way, I wasn't going to let the pair of them win. I grabbed Emily and started our own little dance of debauchery. Ems was well up for it. I swear there were fucking laser beams flashing between her and Naomi, and anyone who got caught in their path would have been instantly cut to ribbons. The rise in sexual energy all around us crackled like an electrical charge. It felt divinely dangerous to be caught in its field as if searing bolts of lightning could leap from us at any time. No more new mature Katie. The cocktail of drugs and desire had turned me primal. Effy was openly flirting with me, and I felt myself getting wet just from looking at her. I stared back into her eyes forgetting any attempts to censor the evidence of my need for her. But then I saw her flirt in exactly the same way with Emily, a woman she wouldn't have a hope in hell of claiming, and I realised it was all just a part of the fucking game. This was just Effy reclaiming her confidence and her sexuality. This was Effy getting better, and it hurt like hell.

I was a crumbling mess. The things I had felt during that fucking dance had completely taken me over. How the fuck was I supposed to pretend that I didn't love her completely. Mind, fucking body and soul. The track ended and Effy bent back down to her laptop. I took the opportunity to do what I'd promised myself I wouldn't do. I ran.

I went straight back to the caravan. The last place she would expect to look for me at a party would be at home. What the fuck was I going to do? I was way too wasted to make any kind of sensible decision, so I submitted to the only solution my addled brain came up with at the time. More drugs. I made my way to the fridge, to find what I hoped I'd find. Effy had a stash of beers in there. I grabbed one of the bottles and downed almost half of it in one, needing the cool golden liquid to cut through the coke so I could…Take more cocaine. I took a line and then drank the rest of the beer, searching through Effy's stuff until I found a pack of her cigarettes and smoked one. As soon as I had finished, I started racking out another line, all semblance of rational thought eliminated from my brain. I had to get Effy out of my head, and if I had to block her out with stupid amounts of drugs then that's what I was going to do. Another beer, another fag and another line later, I stumbled back towards the tent. Ok, I may be Effy Stonem's bitch, but there was no way I was gonna let it stop me having a party.

Thomas was on the decks now, and it looked like Effy had just put a dvd on and abandoned her post. But we're not going to think about Effy, are we Katie? No, we are going to dance, and we're not going to give a fuck. But no sooner had I started to sway to the tunes, than some idiot stepped on my toe.

"What the actual fuck?" I said, turning to face a guy with blonde dreadlocks.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," he said, before his eyes filled with surprise. "Oh, you're back. No hang on, wait a minute. Shit. Oh right, I get it."

"Like I said, what the actual fuck," I repeated. "Are you as incapable with words as you are with watching where you're going?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," he said kindly. "Some drunken idiot just pushed me in the back, and um, I think I just met your sister."

There was something in his gentle tone that halted the automatic vitriol of my response.

"Oh," was all I managed.

"Do you have a show here?" he asked me.

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm with Circus Abandon. You're in our tent."

"Wow, I heard such good things about that," he smiled. "I was doing lighting for the main house, so I didn't get to see it. Everyone was raving about you though."

Ok so it was cheap, but the boost to my ego sent a little flutter down my spine.

"My mate said the girl with the purple hair on the silks was amazing. I guess that was you."

Yeah right. Everybody knows it's Ems and Naoms that people go mental for. This is just some cheesy chat up line.

"Did you squeeze that fucking info out of my sister?" I snorted.

Again the boy refused to rise to my bait. He just grinned and shook his head.

"I didn't really get to talk to her. I mean, I was dancing with her, but then some drop dead gorgeous blonde girl came and whisked her away from me."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Yeah, that happens a lot with Emily" I giggled. "She's always getting whisked by pretty girls."

"I should be so lucky," he laughed, self deprecatingly. I looked him up and down. Nice muscles, couple of sexy tattoos, winning smile and great hair.

"Yeah well, Emily has a way with the ladies," I shrugged.

"And the ladies like to have their way with her, I presume."

"Well, she is fucking beautiful," I conceded. Oh cocaine, you stupid fucking drug of truth.

"She's not the only one," he said, looking into my eyes. I set my bullshit detector onto full, but I couldn't pick up anything. Fuck, I think he actually meant it.

"I'm Nathan," he said. "Would you like to dance?"

"I'm Katie," I replied. "And yeah, I would."

He kept it light for the first few tunes, not invading my space straight away, and only occasionally leaning to make some light hearted comment or other. I liked his approach, allowing me to set the pace, and not lumbering in like some of the other dickheads I've known who might just as well have had big neon arrows pointing to their cock. He turned out to be witty, and charming and most of all he was laid back, making me feel at ease and helping me to forget just how fucked up I was feeling before I met him. Little by little we started dancing closer, occasional touches became more frequent until slowly we started to move together. I was still fucking horny from before and dancing with Nathan was only getting me excited again.

"I think I kinda like you, Katie," he said, with one hand on my shoulder and the other playing with my hair. "Tell me you don't have some beautiful girlfriend who's going to come and take you away from me."

Of course my brain filled my consciousness with Effy. What else was it going to do when it heard the words 'beautiful girlfriend'? But Effy wasn't my girlfriend. And she wasn't ever going to be. What was better? To waste my life moping after her and holding both of us back? Or to let myself move on, and set her free to find someone of her own? Nathan started to move his hands down my sides, and the overwhelming craving to feel the warmth of another human being inside me became too much to handle. If it wasn't going to be her then why shouldn't it be him? I needed to be loved. I fucking deserved it. Even if it was only for one night. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

"No," I whispered in his ear. "No beautiful girlfriend for me."

And then I kissed him.

**Cue dramatic closing titles music… I guess a lot of you know the 'sunbathing' scene is coming up next so just to leave you with bated breath, I'm gonna stop this chapter here with that old showbiz adage "Always leave 'em wanting more" or as we new modern anarchist type circus folk say – "Fuck the audience, but don't let them come."**

**Till next time, Hypes xx**


	19. 19 Sunbathing

**A/N Grab your shades and slap on your factor thirty girls, it's time to go sunbathing.**

**I don't own Skins, but I might rub a little suncream on it's back.**

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19. Sunbathing

Effy

Oh madness, where are your soft familiar fuzzy edges now? Why have you abandoned me to the cold harsh clinical light of this shit storm called reality? They could have been angels flying majestically through a cloud of golden magic dust. They could have been monsters crawled from the bowels of the earth to suck the very marrow from my bones. At least that would have given me the impetus to run. To get away from them, instead of getting stuck here, staring at them helplessly. Not celestial beings born of light or the spawn of the devil himself. Just Katie Fitch and some fucking guy. Kissing in the middle of a dance floor at a party, just like regular boys and girls do.

I didn't know what to do. What the fuck could I do? There was a terrible physical pain shaking me from the inside out. I couldn't run, my feet seemed to be superglued to the floor of the tent. I couldn't stop them, I was still paralysed with shock. Katie was supposed to be my girl, wasn't she? My head was attempting to throw some logic at me from somewhere, but my heart just wasn't prepared for this. What the fuck was I supposed to do? My mind raced over options. Obviously manning up and dealing with it like an adult had been summarily dismissed at the first hurdle. I never used to feel like this, I never used to care. But that was cause I was either mental or off my fucking box all the time. It seemed that neither was the case right now. Could drugs be the answer? Just blot everything out of my mind and throw myself willingly into oblivion? They always used to be my escape route of choice, but last time I took anything without Katie there, I almost got myself raped. And was it really worth abandoning everything I had fought so hard for, risking another headlong plunge into the gloom, just cause Katie had finally got over her heartbreak? Shit, I should have been happy for her, but what the fuck was I supposed to do?

I had let myself get too used to the sugar. I guess this was the shit. Unconsciously my hands felt for the bag hanging at my side. For the only thing I had brought with me into the world the last time I had left an institution. Even in reality it seems it is my subconscious that leads the way to my salvation. I found myself fiddling with the clips on the bag before extracting the one thing that helped me make sense of this dimension I had only rarely visited for the majority of my adult life. My camera. I lifted it up and fired off the first few shots of the couple in front of me. The lens became my shield, my protection. It helped me put some distance between my emotions and my brain before it decided to self-immolate. When I put the camera between us, it wasn't me and Katie any more, it was photographer and subject. And as I began to record the scene in front of me in every nuance of its detail, I finally began to see.

It was the boy who broke the kiss. He took her in his arms and led them into dance again. Every now and then he would lean in, but only to whisper something in her ear. Things that made her smile. They moved so easily together, and I could see why he thought she was beautiful. But more than that, I could see that he made her feel beautiful too. He continued to flirt with her, and touch her lightly, giving her his full attention and Katie was loving it. She wasn't like me, happy to lurk in the shadows amongst the dark things in life. She wanted to bathe in light. She wanted everyone to see her and to be amazed. Well I was constantly amazed, but to me she didn't need anyone else to give her light. In Effyland she fucking glows. I could see her shining now. I wondered if the boy could see it too. He lifted her hand and kissed the backs of her fingers, which led Katie to pull him closer and push her lips against his. To my surprise, he didn't just ram his tongue down her throat. He savoured the exchange. Once again, he pulled back smiling and gazed at her playing with her hair. Fuck, he didn't just want to shag her, it looked like he actually liked her.

Katie made some comment, and the boy burst out laughing and pulled her into a hug. I dug into my bag and pulled out my zoom lens. This development required closer scrutiny. Whilst I was swapping lenses on the camera, the couple began dancing even closer to each other, their bodies swaying in perfect time. My heartbeat automatically accelerated. That was the way she normally danced with me. I whipped the camera back up to my face as fast as I could manage for without my shield I would face destruction. With the new lens attached I could zoom right up to them, as if I was breathing down their necks. And then I began to do what Effy does best. I observed, I calculated, I understood. I forced myself to breathe deeply, to calm my shaking hands. At first I focussed on the boy, on the detail of his neck. From the way his artery was pulsating, I could tell his heart was beating every bit as fast as mine. Next I drew the lens down onto Katie's face as she rested her head against his chest. Her eyes were closed, but there was a contented smile thrown across her features, and she gently moved her hand up and down the muscles on his upper arm.

It was then that I stopped being blind. It was then that I accepted that this was how it should be. I should let Katie find herself a nice boy and have the kind of ordinary relationship she'd always wanted. This was what she needed, not some clingy bisexual psycho trying to get into her pants. If I really loved her, then this is what I should let her have. I'm not so sure I would ever be able to let her sit and waffle on about it afterwards, gossiping about boys just like a regular best friend should. Fuck me I feel a cliché coming on, but if you love someone, don't you have to set them free? I knew the pain would be screaming through my body for days, but at the back of it all, I felt a little surge of pride. Here I was making sacrifices out of love. I hadn't run. I hadn't lost my mind. I hadn't drugged myself to within an inch of my life. I had used my art to rationalise the chaos in my mind, and somewhere in the recesses of that dark consciousness, Effy's little band of soldiers had grown a little more powerful. Another life was possible, and all I had to do was see it, and make it real.

As I photographed their next kiss, I observed the dynamic between them subtly shift from interest to passion. And as Katie drew away from him I knew that this was it. She was going to sleep with him. Their eyes were locked together as they made their way giggling and laughing out of the tent, leaving me. Alone.

I dropped my hands to my side, my camera still clutched in one of them and stared vacantly ahead of me. I don't know how fucking long I stayed there, letting the world just dance on by me, but I was finally shaken out of my senses, by a girl called Ruth whose show I'd photographed that afternoon.

"Effy, are you ok?" she asked me gently, clearly worried that I'd taken something weird. I guess I must have had the look of a K-hole about me.

"No, I'm fine," I replied, snapping myself out of it. "I'm just tired. It's been a hell of a weekend."

"I'll say," she grinned at me. "Fucking brilliant though."

I smiled and engaged full Madame Mystery mode. She was nice enough, but I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Ruth got the hint and wandered off with a sweet goodbye. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I threw my head back in frustration, but then the answer came to me in a flash. The only way is up. No, not another cliché, but an actual physical escape route. I slung my camera over my shoulder and turned to face the kingpole behind me. With Katie gone, I needed to find a safe space and my usual spot on the seating was covered with writhing partygoers. My hands grasped the cool metal of the pole, and immediately I felt a healing calmness snaking through my veins. I set my legs in motion and started on my journey, climbing out of the confines of the mass of bodies towards the roof. Where I could be free.

I kept on climbing, past the rigging bar, through the rain flaps and outside to the top of the tent. It was already getting light, and it looked like it was going to be another beautiful day. I took a great gulp of the fresh clean air away from the smell of sweat and booze and drugs inside, and felt the vibrations from the bass humming through the metal of the ridge pole I was sat on. I began to feel calmer straight away. I don't know what it is about being high, you know physically as opposed to metaphorically, but I always feel safe up here. When the humans threaten to fuck me up with their emotions, when the demons threaten to drag me screaming into the abyss, I feel I can always escape them if I climb. But it's not fucking working. There are voices. I haven't heard them yet, but I know that they are there, whispering behind my back until the time is right to torture me. I even know what they are going to say. That I'm not good enough, that even my angel has decided to give up on me. Then the murmuring starts, just as I knew it would, still too indistinct to understand it, but they are fucking coming for me and I have no angel to come to my rescue. I'm stuck on top of the fucking tent and I am going into meltdown. I can feel needles of bitter cold stabbing their way into my body and my breath starts to constrict in my throat. I can feel my blood turn blue and start to freeze within my veins. It is the middle of summer but an arctic cold starts to invade me. I will become so brittle I will snap. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I cast my eyes round wildly looking for any kind of lifeline, and that was when I saw it. Narcotics and my brain have given me some pretty imaginative lightshows in my time, but this was the most beautiful light I had ever seen. Twin suns, blazing as only they knew how. Suddenly the solution was clear, if I could just get closer to them then their warmth would save me from an icy death where my heart cracks open and then shatters into a thousand pieces. I started to slide down the roof towards them. I couldn't let them know I was coming otherwise the light would dim and I would have been doomed. Fortunately, the noise of the music from the tent more than disguised my arrival, and I find myself sat where the roof curves flat to meet the side wall so I could look across to the roof of Naomi's truck and bask in their beautiful heat. I was close, but their eyes and intentions were only for each other. Emily and Naomi, the brightest stars in the universe.

I used to think that Love was the destroyer, the black colossus that ripped our delicate flesh and threw our torn limbs to the winds for its own amusement. But seeing this I knew I had been wrong. Two beautiful powerful beings had come together and now they shone twice as brightly. I have known lust, but I have never seen two people want each other so completely the very air became infused with their desire. Naomi was undressing her lover, slowly, sensually and with such adoration that Emily began to ignite. There was so much fire. Katie might well glow, but Emily burns, and just like a fire on a freezing cold night, I couldn't take my eyes off her. Naomi laid her on her back and carefully dragged Emily's scarlet knickers from her body, before kneeling back to admire her handiwork, delighting in the desire she had aroused. Naomi's fire was always strong, but before Emily it used to burn cold like mine. Not any more.

Naomi pulled a pair of handcuffs from her pocket and started to chain her girlfriend to the rail that surrounded the roof of the truck, not once breaking eye contact throughout. I swear I could almost hear Emily's heart pounding above the thudding bass and drums from the tent.

"Oh fuck, Naomi. Kiss me," she gasped.

Their eyes were black. Not black and empty and soulless like the Bone King and his skeleton army, but a living black that drew you in because you knew it held untold secrets and delights that could only be yours if you dared to surrender yourself to it. Naomi and Emily had long since abandoned themselves to its feral temptation, and all the moments in between were nothing but waiting to go back there again. Emily yanked at her chains as Naomi performed a slow striptease for her entertainment, throwing fuel on her already raging fire.

"Oh please babe, I need you," cried Emily. "I need you to fuck me

now."

"I know you do," replied Naomi, drawing her fingers through her own folds instead, collecting her juices and using them to tantalize her lover. They say that our primal nature never truly deserts us, that there's a beast in all of us still. Well, I saw Emily's beast just then. She was so ravenous for her lover's touch I began to wonder if the handcuffs could even hold her, as Naomi crawled up her body and fed her her own juices from her hand. Emily greedily accepted her gift and the sight of it broke any last shred of restraint for Naomi. The blonde grabbed roughly at her lover's hair and crashed their lips and bodies together. An explosive heat erupted from their bodies and the blast wave forced me back against the canvas. The voices evaporated in the flare, the demons incinerated in its wake. I had to stop myself from bursting out laughing. Nothing could withstand the power of the twin suns. It was like they could blast everything evil out of the sky.

Emily screamed her lover's name as Naomi began to play with the flames around her body, teasing her, delighting her, taking full advantage of their intimacy to send her spiraling through pleasure after pleasure. It was almost too beautiful to bear, but I knew what I had to do. Almost on automatic I pulled my camera up to my eyes and started shooting them, thankful once again for the camouflaging riot of noise from the party beneath us. It took me a few moments to adjust the exposures for the delicate light of the dawn, but soon I had it, and could begin to capture the breathless beauty that was true love being made before my eyes. Naomi was exquisite in her considered and devoted attentions to every part of Emily's body. Even in the heat of her passion, she was focused on her mission to drive Emily through every possible level of ecstasy. Tits, elbows, stomach, knees, biceps; every bit of Emily was as fascinating and as rich to Naomi as the last. Emily was radiant, taking everything that Naomi gave her as if it was her right. Emily owned her sexuality like no other woman I had known. Every pleasure was deserved, every thrill a blow against those who would deny her. For her there would never be any shame in sex, for her there was only brilliance and power. Emily became when she unleashed her sexuality, a pure wild creature. A creature untamed.

When they started fucking I thought I was going to drown in light, but I couldn't have moved even if I had wanted to. I was transfixed. My hands kept unconsciously working the camera, stealing moments from the lovers, but I felt curiously compelled to record this, as if I couldn't quite believe that any of the universe's multi-trillion possibilities could be as beautiful as this unless I held the evidence in my hands.

I have known fucking. I have fucked countless men and women in every way you could imagine, but I know I have never come close to this. Even from here I could feel the gravity, the depth of their connection. Naomi thrust herself deep into Emily's ravenous body, the pair of them screaming as their mouths sought each other out for an even deeper bond. I saw their future spinning out from the centre of their raw physicality. They would always be like this. They would never stop. Their love was driven by the passion that consumed them, but they were bold enough to take the heat. I didn't know whether to scream for joy or howl in pain. Didn't everyone deserve a love like this? Didn't I? I was pulled back into consciousness by Emily's voice.

"Oh Christ," she cried. "Don't stop that. Just don't stop doing that. Fuck."

Whatever Naomi was doing to Emily, I wished that Katie Fitch would do it to me, cause Emily looked like Krakatoa in 1883, about to take out half the Indian Ocean. No wonder Naomi was smiling as she drove her girl into an violently explosive orgasm. It's said that the eruption of Krakatoa is considered to be the loudest sound ever heard in modern history, but I think Emily's orgasm must have been the loudest sound ever heard in Manchester. The lovers wrapped their limbs tightly round one another and rode out the aftershocks together.

"Fuck," said Emily over and over again. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

Not exactly eloquent, but entirely appropriate. I didn't know about those two, but I needed a fag. I sparked up as Naomi was releasing Emily from her bonds, and even though I knew it would lead to my discovery, I didn't give a fuck. You could keep your fjords, your mountains, your great cities and your mighty waterfalls. I had just witnessed a wonder of the world.

Emily let herself fall out of a breathless kiss of gratitude with the woman who had just sent her to the stars. Her head rolled to the side and she caught me red handed, staring into the sun. She had no harsh words for me. As I said before, Emily owned her sexuality like no other, and no witness could degrade it. She looked me in the eye and started laughing. Even her laugh was husky and I could see its effect start to take hold of Naomi before she realised there was a cuckoo in the nest. As soon as she saw me, she looked around frantically, searching for something to cover up her nakedness. Failing in her task she looked helplessly at Emily who just lay there lazily, completely unperturbed. The same could not be said for Naomi.

"Effy, what the fuck?" she yelled at me. "What the fuck are you doing?"

What the fuck could I tell her? I'm Effy Stonem, and I only speak the truth.

"Sunbathing," I replied calmly.

"It's the middle of the fucking night you…" she caught herself just before she launched into some mental health related insult. Anthea had trained her well. Naomi still looked completely shocked by my presence, but Emily saw right into me.

"She means us, hun," she smiled lazily. "The brightest fucking stars in any universe."

Naomi started to sway from confused to furious

"Were you fucking perving on us?" she asked me angrily.

Such a small and inappropriate word.

"No," I replied.

Wasn't it obvious? 'Perving' was so far from where I'd been. I had borne witness to the triumph of the gods, to the perfect fucking union of the Sex Tornado and the Warrior Queen of Love.

The Warrior Queen looked towards her lover for backup.

"But she was watching us fuck," she said incredulously.

Emily reached up and cupped her face, the handcuffs still dangling from her wrist.

"You don't get it do you, babe?" she said. "Effy needs beauty in her life to counteract the darkness. And we are fucking beautiful. We're the most beautiful fucking thing for miles."

You are not wrong Emily, you are not wrong. She turned and winked at me.

"Hope you're going to give us some copies," she grinned.

Emily was razor sharp, spotting the camera in my hand and realising I could never have let such an opportunity slip. Naomi cottoned on a second later.

"No, that's not on," she exploded. "I know you're like fucking….different from the rest of us, but you've got to have some fucking boundaries."

Sometimes Naomi was like a live bomb, I knew I had to defuse her.

"Actually I'm keeping them for blackmail purposes," I said calmly. "You know, if you ever piss me off I can show Katie just exactly what you're doing to her little sister."

Emily collapsed into laughter and I followed her lead. Fuck it, it was funny.

"Whatever," Naomi thundered.

"Effy," said Emily, still luxuriating in her post coital bliss "Nuff sunbathing for one night yeah? You don't wanna get burned."

I may just have pulled myself back from the brink of an episode, but I was still cognizant enough to know that you mess with a Fitch twin at your peril. I flipped myself off the roof, and swung myself down to floor off a loadstrap. I may still be an amateur compared to the people around me, but I was getting quite nifty at this climbing and swinging lark. I wandered back into the tent still carrying the warmth of the Emily's fire in my heart, but it didn't last for long. I felt the cold creep back towards me as I surveyed the crowd. None of them had anything for me, they were just a whole tent full of people who were not Katie. I missed her. I would have given anything for her to take me in her arms and hold me close again. And I couldn't even begin to let myself think about the reason why she wouldn't come for me. I had to keep moving, just like a shark if I stayed still for too long I wouldn't be able to breathe and I would perish. Once again I found myself outside amongst the trucks, but there wasn't really anywhere to go, it was a small site.

I caught sight of Emily climbing up the back of her and Naomi's home, and once again I was gripped by a fierce compulsion. One disadvantage of becoming more self-aware, is that you actually know and understand how you are feeling. I knew that this night was the loneliest night of my life. I felt myself getting sucked into their gravitational force again. I needed their healing rays to help me make it through the night. I looked around and then started to clamber onto the roof of Freddie's truck. I knew he wasn't in. Backstage had become a chill out space and I'd just seen him monged out on some cushions in the corner. As I reached my destination I turned and found myself locked into the lovers' orbit once more. Freddie's truck wasn't nearly so close as the roof of the tent, but what was the point of having a high quality zoom lens if you never got to use it?

This time it was Naomi in chains, and Emily the temptress who was driving her to distraction. Emily might be a beast, but she was a classy beast and she was teasing her lover with champagne, drinking from her body she strove against her restraints. Whilst Emily owned her sexuality completely, Naomi was still learning hers, but with such a talented teacher she was certainly a willing student. I couldn't imagine anyone had managed to get the former Ice Queen into bondage before, but right now she was so turned on the vibrations must have been reaching Melbourne. Emily continued to taunt her with yoghurt and fruit, doing some interesting things with strawberries that it was difficult not to imagine doing whilst Katie's eager body squirmed gratefully underneath my own. Shit, there she was again. The woman I was supposed to be not thinking about, and in her wake came a sharp breath of the cold that threatened to destroy me in her absence. I sat there on the roof of Freddie's truck just barely clinging on to warmth and sanity. I refocused my attention on the lovers that were my only safety net.

Emily spread her lovers legs and held them down, taking forceful control of the woman who adored her. She plunged her face between Naomi's thighs, and the cloudswinger's cries rang out across the dawn. She was now so aroused that Emily's practiced tongue had her close to coming in no time at all.

"Oh fuck, Ems I'm gonna…" she squealed.

Emily tried to slow down for her, but that was not what Naomi wanted at all.

"Just fucking do it, Ems," she screamed at her redhead, straining against her chains, and thrusting her open hips back up towards her. Emily did not need telling twice. She attacked her fervent girlfriend with tongue and teeth and fingers, sucking her and fucking her hard until the unholy primal screams that signaled the first of her multiple orgasms came hurtling out of the blonde. Emily kept driving into her until she came twice more in quick succession, and the pair of them collapsed into a satisfied exhaustion. It was several minutes before Emily found the energy to release Naomi from the handcuffs, smiling as she handed her a glass of champagne. Like I said, Emily Fitch is a classy beast.

The lovers didn't move from their rooftop, and I didn't move from mine. I didn't have anywhere else to go. Instead I just watched Emily and Naomi as they drifted off into a blissful sleep. Oh how I fucking longed to experience a blissful sleep wrapped up in the arms of love and not Temazepan. But if I couldn't experience it for myself, maybe I could experience it through them. Once I felt assured they were asleep, I slid off my perch on Freddie's truck, and crept stealthily onto their roof beside them. They looked so beautiful, chained together at the wrist, I felt sure they could help me live until morning. Even the embers of their love were powerful enough to keep the fear and the cold at bay. I knew I wouldn't sleep, but I curled up into a ball and lay down at their feet, listening to the silent sounds of happiness as the twin suns blazed on, oblivious to the tiny frozen dependant moon that span chaotically around them.


	20. 20 The Music Of The Stars

**A/N Shameless plea for attention. I smacked my head on a wall leaping from the pirate ship today and I had to do the second show feeling all fuzzy. So if you could all send me virtual kisses better and tell me my chapter is wonderful I'm sure it will make me get well soon. For those of you wanting to see a jealous Katie Fitch, I hope this will suffice xx**

**I don't own Skins, but I can't think of a witty disclaimer cause my head is all sore.**

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20. The Music Of The Stars

Katie

So I woke up and my bed smelt of man. That was weird enough. It had been so long I had almost forgotten what it was like. But what was weirder still was that it felt strange. I used to love the smell of men. I used to love men. You know, just everything about them, the smell of them, the shape of their chests, the feel of their muscles, their cute little asses, the deep sound of their voices, oh and obviously their cocks. I never used to be without a man, but now they are most notable by their absence. Of course there are men in my life, but not intimately in my life, and now the presence of one so close to me felt kind of foreign. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Nathan.

"Morning, gorgeous," he said, smiling, and sliding his hand across my torso.

Well that was a good start. His hand continued its journey towards my breast and he started to pepper little kisses up my arm. It felt good, and my mind flashed back to last night's sex. Ok, so maybe it had been a while, but I'm sure I could get used to this again. I felt myself start to relax under his attentions, and I stretched out my body as he gently manoeuvred himself on top of me. Not a fuck 'em and run type of guy then. My arm splayed out to the side as his lips nibbled softly against my neck. I felt a foreign object in the bed, and my fingers closed involuntarily around it. I turned my head to look, and an iron fist started repeatedly punching my heart. Pato. What the fuck was fucking Pato doing in my bed? Oh yeah, that would be from the night before last when Effy and I had shared yet another of our platonic little sleepovers. The night when I had clung to her unconscious form as if she were my girlfriend and whispered a hundred 'I love you's into her unknowing back.

Again my body made its own decisions and my arm pulled Pato up towards my face. Of course he smelt of her. Stupid little funny giraffe. I suddenly realised why Nathan's scent had seemed so foreign to me. It's because it wasn't hers.

"Oh fuck. Fuck. Fucking Jesus," I said.

Nathan stopped kissing me.

"Ok, so not the reaction I was hoping for," he said calmly, stroking stray hairs away from my face. "Well, maybe those words, but perhaps not in that tone."

God, he really was nice, but that wasn't my concern. I pushed him off me and sat up abruptly, my eyes darting in panic to the other side of the caravan. Effy's bed had not been slept in.

"Shitting. Fucking. Bastarding cock," I exclaimed. This was not good.

"What's going on, Katie?" asked Nathan with genuine concern in his eyes.

"I'm a total cunt," I replied. I couldn't handle my own desire for her and I had fucking abandoned her. At a party with a bunch of fucking wasted people. Fuck knows what could have happened to her.

"Don't you think that's a little extreme?" he asked, still with that sweet little smile on his face.

"You wouldn't understand," I sighed.

"Try me," he coaxed, but I was already out of the bed and looking for clothes.

"Is this about Effy?" he asked.

I froze and glared at him.

"How the fuck do you know about Effy?"

I may have been off my tits last night, but I know I hadn't mentioned her. I had been trying not to think about her for fuck's sake.

"You talk in your sleep," he shrugged.

My eyes widened in alarm. What the hell had I been saying?

"Is he your boyfriend?" asked Nathan. "Cause it would have been nice if you'd told me before you slept with me."

Oh my God, I had found myself a drug-fuelled shag, and now all of a sudden I was hurting his feelings? I looked him in the eye, and found that he still had some of that cheeky sparkle there. He wasn't mad at me, but I could tell that he was disappointed.

"Not she's not," I told him as patiently as I could manage. "But I have to find her."

"Thought you said you didn't have a beautiful girlfriend who was going to whisk you away from me."

"Effy's not my girlfriend," I replied, resuming my search for clothes and throwing them on.

"Are you sure about that? This feels kinda whisky to me."

Cute Nathan, cute.

"She's my best friend."

"So why the panic?"

"Effy's not like the rest of us."

"In what way?"

How the fuck was I supposed to answer that? She's mental? That really told so little of her story, and even to this stranger in my bed I wanted her to be more than that.

"She doesn't always see the world the way we do," I replied. "And sometimes things can get very difficult for her. Sometimes she hears voices. Sometimes her experiences diverge completely from so called normality, and often they can be terrifying. The doctors have names for what she is, and they fill her full of drugs to try to stop her brain working like that. But she is not just some fucking crazy person, and I'll swing for anyone who says she is. Sometimes her brain can hurt her, but sometimes her perception is so beautiful. Sometimes she has such an amazing understanding of people, she knows us better than we know ourselves. And she understands the universe in such a unique and awesome way. She is gentle, and funny and so fucking intelligent, it's scary. And her photographs, God, you've never seen such beautiful work. It's almost like magic how she can capture the essence of something so perfectly. I swear she is an actual fucking genius, and so fucking beautiful. But sometimes the world gets too much for her, and she gets lost. I'm supposed to look after her, but I got trashed and fucked you instead."

"And now you're feeling bad about it?" asked Nathan, getting out of bed and pulling on his trousers.

"Yeah," I admitted. "Yeah, I am."

"Well that's a shame," he said, kissing me on the forehead. "Cause I don't regret it one bit. You're a fabulous girl, Katie."

"Thanks," I said sheepishly. "But…."

"Yeah, I get it," he smiled. "You have to go."

He pulled a business card out of his back pocket, and left it on the table.

"I was going to ask you for your phone number, but I guess that's not happening. My email's on the card, maybe we could be Facebook friends or something?"

"Ok, cool," I said. "You never know, maybe sometime…"

Nathan raised his hands to stop me.

"It's Ok, Katie. I know when I'm beaten," he said, opening the door, and then turning back to face me. "You should tell her."

"Tell her what?" I asked cautiously.

"That you're in love with her."

And with that he was gone.

.

.

The iron fist was back with a vengeance, punching its way through my ribcage and pounding upon my poor undefended organ. I took a few deep breaths, clutching onto the table for support. I eventually raised my eyes to see Pato staring accusingly back at me. Fuck you Pato, I'm only human. He was a nice guy. And really fucking fit, and good in bed. And he actually fucking liked me. In any other universe he would have made a brilliant boyfriend and I would have been mad to let him go. But not in this one. I had to polish off my angel wings and go and find my girl, and pray to the fucking heavens that she'd found somewhere safe to be.

First place I checked was the tent, her place on the seating, but she was nowhere to be found. I started to call out her name as I checked the rest of the tent and backstage, stepping over several passed out bodies as I did so. I had no time for them, I had to find Effy. I could feel the blood rushing round my body as my heart started beating faster. Still no Effy. I tried to remain calm, and be methodical as I started wandering round the rest of the site, but it wasn't working. I started to call her name with increasing desperation, as my stupid brain started playing out terrible scenarios as to what might have happened to her. If she was hurt or lost in the darkness, I would never fucking forgive myself.

It was Emily's voice that first cut through my panic. I reckon I must have special neurotransmitters that react to that husky voice, cause I turned and ran towards her without question.

"Up here," she said.

It took me a few seconds to realise that she was up on the roof of Naomi's truck. As I clambered hastily up the ladder to reach her, I felt a massive surge of love and pride towards my sister. If Effy had found her way to Ems, she would be safe.

Or not.

NAKED. The three of them were fucking naked. Naked. Fucking naked! I'm surprised I didn't hear a metallic clang, cause my jaw must have hit the floor like a dropped anvil. Stupid Katie, you must never forget. Never forget how dangerous she is. Never forget that that cute little redheaded sister of yours, that sweet-faced, kind-hearted little soul turns into a wild animal when a beautiful woman is added to the mix. She doesn't give a fuck about convention, and if she wants something, she will pretty much just go ahead and take it. My mind flashed back to last night. Effy throwing me gorgeous lust filled looks across the dancefloor. But then she was throwing those exact same looks at Emily and grinding up against Naomi on the tech tower. Looks like I was the only one stupid enough not to take her up on it.

Oh fucking hell, this couldn't be happening could it? The woman of my dreams in some lurid sex orgy with my sister and her horny girlfriend? My eyes clocked an empty bottle of champagne, a yoghurt pot, some squashed up strawberries, and oh fuck no….Emily's fucking handcuffs. Things were going from bad to worse. Oh God no, this couldn't be real, could it? Think about it, Katie, this is Emily, High Priestess at the Temple of Universal Lesbian Joy. The woman who seemed to have a label stamped on every woman's arse at birth saying 'property of Emily Fitch', and all they had to do was wait until she came to collect. And Effy. Even her own brother had described her as 'fuck first and ask questions later'. I remembered some of the more outlandish exploits that Effy had confessed to from her youth. Maybe if she really was getting better, she felt like being that outlandish again. But not Naomi. Surely Naomi was too uptight and conventional to get involved in such shenanigans. Oh but think again, Katie. Yeah, this was Naomi who had gone from not really caring about sex to pretty much not caring about anything else. The Naomi who would dance barefoot across broken glass if she thought Emily's pussy lay at the end of it. Fuck.

"What the fuck is going on?" I said forcefully.

All three of them had the gall to stare at me innocently.

"We were cloud watching," said Effy.

So was that innocent childhood pastime or some fucked up lesbian slang for something filthy? The word 'No' kept screaming round my head, as if being sung by a thousand fanatical Puritans. NO. Not with my Effy.

"Naked?" I said hesitantly.

"Well these two had been shagging," said Effy. "And I didn't want to be the one left out.

Emily and I have had plenty of arguments in our time. We have even come to blows on more than one occasion. But nothing had prepared me for the explosion of pure loathing I felt for her right then. My knuckles turned white as I clung onto that ladder so hard in order to stop myself leaping onto that roof and ripping her limb from limb. The jealousy clawing its way through my very flesh was so intense, I was sure that being mauled by tigers couldn't feel as bad as this. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to beat my only sister into a pulp. Why did that fucking bitch have to take the only thing I had that mattered to me, just because she fucking could? And how the hell did my timid little doormat turn into this devil driven by sex and power who could rip my fucking heart out and crush it in her cruel and careless fingers. Those fingers that had probably been…oh Christ. White hot fury gripped me till I was literally blind with rage.

"No!" Emily's voice cut through me. "Effy just needed a place to be."

That voice, that fucking voice that has me programmed to react no matter how hard I try to fight it.

"Effy just needed a place to be."

Because of me. I had driven her to it. If I hadn't been such a pussy. If I hadn't left her alone. If I hadn't fucked Nathan because I was too fucking scared of the way I really feel about her. She would never have needed to find that place to be. Gotten fucked up on drugs. Had a fucking episode and needed someone to help her find her way back. It was fucking physical, this thing we had. It was my touch that always seemed to find her when she was lost. I had deserted her, and of course she had clung to the next best thing. Emily looked like me, and when a woman needs something physical from her, they get everything they want. It was my fucking fault.

"I'm sorry ," I said desperately, climbing onto the roof and kneeling in front of Effy. "It's been so long, and he was cute, and he paid me compliments. I just kinda fell for it. It's easy."

"It's ok," shrugged Effy. "Emily and Naomi helped."

"No it's not ok," I said. "I shouldn't have abandoned you. Friends are more important than shags."

Effy cocked her head to one side and just stared at me, the intensity in her unnatural blue eyes turned up to full. The things those eyes had seen, more beautiful and more terrible than any one mind should be subjected to. I was begging that they could see the good in me now. For the briefest of moments she opened them up to me and I saw such confusion and pain, the thought that I could have been the cause of that made me want to be sick on the spot. Still she stared as if she held the power of life and death over me. Maybe she did. If she hadn't been able to forgive me, I think I might just have died.

"You're here now," she said, releasing me from her grasp.

Was it enough? I knew I had to make it up to her somehow.

"Come home, babes," I pleaded.

"Is he…?" asked Effy hesitantly.

Another attack of guilt slapped me violently in the face. I had driven her away from her home. From our home.

"No he's gone," I assured her.

"Ok," she shrugged.

.

.

That was all I was going to get. I knew that this kind of emotional shutdown was just a part of her well-practiced defense mechanisms, designed to free her from the burden of feeling. But I knew there was some way I could always reach her now. Touch. As we walked away from Naomi Campbell's shag wagon, I moved in and slipped my arm around her waist. To my intense relief, she responded by draping her arm around my shoulder, and letting our steps fall into sync. I didn't dare speak until I had closed the caravan door behind us and pulled her into a deep embrace.

"Anybody else in there?" I whispered into her neck.

"Only you and me, babe," she replied.

I stood there and just held her for another several minutes without words. She showed no sign of wanting to pull away.

"Are you Ok, Eff?" I asked her when I eventually felt brave enough to break the silence.

"Yeah," she said quietly, sounding surprised by her own answer. "I'm not exactly dancing the Macarena in a spangly outfit, but I'm ok."

"Do you want some breakfast?"

"Not hungry," she shrugged.

Oh right. Class A's are notorious appetite suppressors.

"What did you take?" I asked gently, so as not to intimidate her. I felt her head shaking against my own.

"I didn't."

Once again I felt ripped apart, torn between the joy of knowing that Effy had been strong enough not to lose herself in drugs, and the horror of the fact that she might have fucked my sister sober. She must have felt the tension in my body, as she pulled away from the hug and cast her gaze around the caravan. I watched her as her eyes took in the disheveled state of my bed, and then Nathan's card, which still sat upon the table.

"So was he good?" she asked me, picking up the card and twirling it round in her fingers.

Damn it. He had been wonderful. I didn't want to lie to her, but I had to deflect it somehow.

"Babes, I'd had a mountain of coke. You know what that's like. Sex with JJ would have felt good with that much snow inside me."

"Don't underestimate JJ," she said. So she was deflecting too. "He's going to be quite the Romeo when he meets the right girl."

"Yeah, like when's that going to happen?" I scoffed.

"Sooner than you think," she smiled enigmatically back at me. Looked like the Oracle was in session.

"Damn you Effy Stonem, What do you know?"

"I know everything," she teased me. "You should know that."

Do you, Effy? Do you know that I love you with every fucking fibre of my being? You once told me that the universe is singing. That every last bit of every one of its stars is made up of tiny vibrating strings making the beautiful music of existence ring out across the cosmos. Well every fucking one of my tiny strings is singing for you, Effy. Do you know that? And if you do, why can't you love me back? It should make a difference when someone loves you, shouldn't it?

"Are you going to see him again?" she asked me casually, as if it meant nothing to her.

"No," I replied hastily.

"Why not? He seemed nice."

"When did you see him?" I asked, my veins filling with an icy dread that she had come home and caught us fucking.

"I saw you together on the dance floor. You know, kissing and stuff. Seemed like a nice boy. Seemed like he was into you."

"Yeah well, he was," I admitted cautiously. "But I'm just not ready."

"Oh, right," she said dismissively.

For fuck's sake Effy, read between the lines. I'm not talking about getting over Brian. That cunt is history. What I'm talking about is that I'm not ready to be with anyone who isn't you.

Effy chucked Nathan's card back onto the table, and went to sit down on her bed. She looked fucking exhausted.

"Have you slept?" I asked her.

She shook her head.

"Come on then," I said, jumping over her into her bed. I didn't even want to think about taking her into mine. My bed smelt of man, and the only thing I wanted to smell right then was her. I wanted to fill every sense with her. Effy shed her outer layers and then cuddled into me, her eyelids getting heavy almost instantly. Yeah, Nathan might have been a great guy, a good man, an excellent lover, but there were greater forces at work right now. If the universe had a place for me, surely it had to be here, with her. Our strings just seemed to sing in harmony, and when I sang with her I sang the music of the stars.

There was just one thing.

"Effy?" I whispered hesitantly.

"Yeah?" she answered sleepily, on the very edge of consciousness.

"I have to know. Did you have sex with Emily and Naomi?"

"No," she replied dreamily.

I don't know exactly what cocktail of chemicals are in control of happiness in my brain, but I felt pretty sure that all of them were dancing the Macarena in a spangly outfit right then.

"No?" I pushed, seeking that final assurance.

"No," Effy giggled at me, as I breathed a massive sigh of relief.

"I just watched," she murmured into my chest.

I found myself laughing as she drifted out of consciousness. Oh Effy, even when she was barely awake, she still had the wits to take the piss out of my paranoia. Emily hadn't taken her. She was still mine, and for the moment that was enough. For the first time since I had known her, I held her as she slept a natural sleep instead of a drug induced one. It was beautiful. Everything about it was more alive. They way she fidgeted, the little noises she made, the altered rhythm of her breath. Once again, I found myself falling in with that rhythm, my hand pressed against her lungs, feeling her vitality as she released herself into the protection of my arms. For one day only she was free. She didn't need the drugs to give her peace. She trusted me to do that for her, and for the moment that was more than enough.


	21. 21 Domestic Bliss

**A/N This chapter goes out to the lovely rushing-air, who read the whole story so far in one go the other night and left me comments for every chapter. And a big thank you to everyone who responded to my shameless plea for attention and wished me well. I'm feeling much better now, thanks and you're all a bunch of darlings xx**

**I don't own Skins, but to be holed up in a caravan/truck with it on a rainy site would be some kinda bliss (and that one's from actual experience)**

21. Domestic Bliss

Effy

Every life can get ordinary. Even mine. Even when you run away with the circus. To be honest, after the intensity that was Manchester I found myself craving something a little less emotionally taxing. We had moved up north to Newcastle and the glorious weather had vanished, to be replaced by lashing rain and miserable cold. Living the way we do, the weather has an enormous impact on the day to day running of our lives. Physically everything becomes just that little bit harder, and site becomes much less of a sociable place to be as we all hide away in our vehicles and caravans trying to avoid the elements the best we can. Life goes back to basics, eating, sleeping, trying to keep warm, and the show is run with the minimum effort and energy from everyone. Everything is quieter, less extreme.

Not that I have any complaints. However I might crave the excitement of my youth, a little quiet time is very good for me. Plus there is the added delight that I get to be holed up in a caravan with Katie Fitch. We have fallen into a wonderful routine of being together in our happy little home. Katie cooks for us and I wash up. I take the rubbish out and fetch the water, and she makes sure our tiny space stays tidy. She glares at me sternly if I leave stuff laying about, and I deliberately leave stuff lying about just so she will glare at me sternly. We go to the supermarket together and stand there discussing what we want to buy for the week. We use each other's make up and tampons. We make jokes about being married and call each other Mrs and Mrs Fitch. And I fucking love every minute of it. Every moment of mundanity, of ordinary domesticity reminds me that when I am with Katie, I am living a normal life. A life filled with recycling and laundry and not with hideous monsters that try to get me to kill myself.

Of course there are other benefits to this sweet little arrangement, and plenty of ways to amuse myself during our confinement. There's Lingerie Watch, a most fascinating pastime. Fortunately having already established myself as the creepy girl who stares at everybody I can stare at Katie as much as I like, and she just accepts it as something that I do rather than questioning whether I'm perving on her ass in French knickers whilst she's making me breakfast. And then there's the snuggling, curling up together as we watch movies on my MacBook. I mean, the screen is small, we simply have to sit close to each other, don't we? We read a lot too, more often than not ending up on the same bed, lying next to each other, not talking or touching but just enjoying the restful presence of someone we know loves and cares for us. And sometimes we'll just chat for hours. Ok, so mostly Katie will chat, and I'll listen to her, the beautiful sound of her voice soothing my troubled soul and leaving me contented.

I love it. I think I can honestly say that I've never actually been this happy on a day to day basis. Even with Joe. Yeah, I was in love with him, but everything was big and grand and dangerous. It was always on the edge, but ultimately unsustainable. Joe and I might have been surfing on thirty foot waves of ecstasy, but ultimately we were always going down. Katie sails those same seas, but she sails them in a luxury yacht. She can dive into the ocean of life any time she wants, but she can always make it back for a decent night's kip and a hearty breakfast.

It was another gloomy afternoon, dark and damp and pissing down with rain outside, but in the cosy haven that was Mrs and Mrs Fitch's we were loafing about in luxury, drinking Earl Grey tea and eating fancy biscuits from a tin.

"Whatcha reading, Eff?" Katie asked me, plonking herself down beside me on my bed. "Another brain book."

"Nah," I replied casually. "They can get a bit heavy. I decided to take a break."

"Don't tell me the mighty Stonem brain is reading a mystery or a romance," she giggled.

"Well, in a way it's a kind of mystery," I shrugged.

"Show me," demanded Katie, playfully shoving me in the shoulder.

I tipped up the book until she could read the title for herself.

"Quantum Reality – Beyond the New Physics?" she scoffed. "That's your light reading?"

"It's interesting."

"Yeah, if you're a geek perhaps," she laughed at me. "But I don't think you'll find anyone else whiling away the afternoon with a jolly dose of physics."

"They might be," I countered, just for the sake of enjoying some banter with Katie.

"Think about it," she said. "Freddie…"

"Will already be stoned…"

"And even though he might be thinking about like, yeah, the cosmos and everything man, he will hardly be going into scientific detail."

"Cook…"

"Will either be playing X-Box or watching porn," she laughed. "The only stars he will be watching will have names like Randi Foals and Shawnee Oceans"

"JJ will probably be having a whale of a time catching up with the accounts," I smiled.

"What about Panda and Thomas?"

"Hmmm," I said, pretending to think it over. "Naked Twister?"

"Oh my God, I don't even want to think about that," she grimaced.

"Well, Emily might be thinking about the fabric of the cosmos," I countered. "I've had some really interesting conversations with her about stuff."

Katie burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

"What?" I said, feigning hurt.

"Oh come on, Eff," spat Katie, struggling to get her breathing under control. "We both know that's going to be Sex Tornado Central over at Naomi Campbell's shag wagon. I know it's supposed to be a universe of infinite possibilities, but there's only going to be one thing that those two fuck bunnies are going to be up to at the moment."

Ok Effy. Take deep breaths. Don't think about fucking. Don't think about fucking. Don't think about fucking.

"So you see," said Katie smugly. "Everyone else is engaged in something pleasurable."

"Physics is pleasurable," I replied. "It makes my brain feel nice."

For a moment, Katie became serious.

"Well I guess that makes it a good thing," she said, kissing the side of my head.

I closed my eyes at the sensation, even to have her lips touch me for a second was something to be savoured.

"Still makes you a geek though," she pushed again. "Can you honestly say there isn't something more fun you'd rather be doing now?"

"No," I lied. Of course I wished I was doing something else. I wished it was Sex Tornado Central here at Katie Fitch's shag wagon. "So what are you reading, Einstein?"

"Oh nothing," said Katie, suddenly flushing red. "Just a story in a magazine."

"Give us a look then."

"No," she said, attempting to snatch the magazine away from me, but I was too fast for her. I whipped it away from underneath her fingers and jumped up from the bed, holding it out of her reach until I found the page she'd been on.

"Diana trembled as Clint's muscular arms pulled her back towards him," I read.

"Give it back," squealed Katie.

A slow smile began to spread across my lips. Now I had a choice. I could either give the magazine back and put a stop to Katie's rising embarrassment, or I could indulge in another of my favourite pastimes. Winding Katie up. It was a little game I played. Snipping at her until her volatile nature inevitably led her to take action. She would launch herself at me to either try to tickle me or spank me. Of course I would always try to get away, but her exciting combination of determination and fearsome Fitch strength would always lead to the same conclusion, and I would find myself pinned to the bed with Katie on top of me demanding my surrender. Ok, so it was a cheap and cheeky way to get my thrills, but if you've ever been pinned to a bed by Katie Fitch I can promise you, it is not an opportunity you would pass up lightly. I saw the evil glint in Katie's narrowed eyes and the decision was made for me.

"She fought against the quivering of her own womanly desires as she felt the pressure of his manhood growing against her," I read out scathingly, never

getting to discover whether Diana succumbed to Clint's manly charms, as Katie leapt towards me.

"Give it back," she yelled.

"Make me," I smirked, dodging out of her path.

The beauty of my evil scheme was that really there was nowhere to run, and after another two tries, Katie got me, grabbing me and toppling the two of us over onto my bed. After a bit of half hearted squirming on my part, she managed to grab hold of both my wrists. I tried to push against her, but I was no match for her silks trained biceps.

"There's only one way this is going to end, Stonem," she threatened. "Surrender."

I knew it, but I was having far too much fun with the struggle.

"No," I replied, trying to flip her off my body.

She laughed at my doomed attempt.

"Never gonna work, bitch," she grinned. "Surrender."

I tried to resist a little longer, but the weight of her hips pushing down on mine started to flood my brain with all kinds of thoughts of sweet surrender. Oh to give myself to my dark angel and have her body all over mine. To open my legs for her and feel her inside me. Desire kicked in like I'd been shot with it, stronger than it had ever been before. My cunt was aching for her.

"Surrender," said Katie forcefully.

What else could I do?

"Ok," I said.

I stopped struggling and relaxed my limbs completely, the suddenness of my compliance taking Katie by surprise and causing her to almost fall down on top of me. She still had me by the wrists, pushing my arms down into the bed. Our bodies were touching nearly all the way down, and her face was only inches from my own. We've been here a dozen times before, just bezzie mates larking about and having a laugh, and it usually ends with Katie making some hardass comment or joke before letting me go with a warning. But this time was different. For a few heart shredding seconds she did nothing but look right at me and I found myself enchanted by the beauty of her dark brown eyes. I'd never really let myself study them this closely before, wary of getting lost and giving myself away. I was still half breathless from the fight, and as my body rose and fell beneath her, I swore I could have felt her hips pushing imperceptibly harder into me. Her brow furrowed slightly, and it looked like she was having some kind of furious inner debate. I had no such debate. I just wanted her to fuck me.

And that was when I caught it. It was just a flash, but such a searing flash it burnt its way into me like a laser. Those beautiful eyes gave her away. She wanted it. She wanted me. It didn't even last a second, but it was there. I was sure of it. The next instant she was pushing away from me, but still holding onto me. I tried to lock onto her gaze, but she shut me down.

"I better go and warm up," she said. "But I won, which means you have to make me breakfast tomorrow. And it has to be proper, I don't just want fucking cereal out of the packet."

"Ok," I said weakly. I would have given her anything.

I thought that would be it, but she leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips, before leaping up, grabbing her coat and heading out of the door.

I did nothing. I lay there helplessly on the bed with my heart pounding timpani loud against my chest. My lips were still tingling. I reached up to touch them, to feel the point where Katie's soft lips had touched my flesh. Had I really seen what I thought I'd seen in her eyes, or was this just another cruel delusion of my ridiculous mind? Was I really only seeing what I wanted to see? But I had felt her too, her body pressing close to mine for far longer than was merited by jolly high jinks. There was no question of what I wanted. I could feel the evidence between my legs, and my hand crept inevitably downwards to feel what she had done to me. I reached down past the waistband of my tights and slipped my fingers into my wetness. This should have been for her. It should have been her fingers slipping playfully over my clit and making me moan.

But she stopped it. She shut herself down, and she must have a reason for that. So the song remains the same. We are friends. And there will be no fucking. This is the one thing in my life that I will not destroy. I will not fuck her up. I absolutely cannot lose her. But I will live for that nanosecond of mutual desire, cause it was fucking glorious. I've always found Katie more difficult to read than anyone else. She seems all surface and obvious, with her brash ways and her single mindedness, but I know she is so much more than that. She is fascinating, seen and yet unseen, and she commands me without even trying. My fingers pressed harder against my clit, and I shut my eyes to flash back to that moment of want. I might be restricted in the physical world, but my imagination is free and I let it roam into a beautiful scenario of 'what happened next'.

She stops. She recognises her desire. She lets go of whatever it is that is holding her back. Instead of kissing me lightly and then fucking off, she leans down and takes my mouth with hers. Her kisses are deep and sensual, but hungry. The searing flash is back in her eyes, but this time it continues to burn, raging into my flesh and making it scream for her. She continues to hold me down as she kisses me, pushing her tongue deep into me as my body kicks up to find hers. I don't want her to let me go, I want her to own me. She pulls away and smiles a crocodile smile.

"Surrender," she tells me, and I do.

There's no foreplay, no sensual tracks across my body with fingers and tongue. She knows I need her to fuck me, and as soon as she releases one of my arms, she reaches for my soaking cunt. I spread myself for her, crying out as soon as she penetrates me. I've never needed anyone like this, and I beg her for more. Her eyes are riveted to mine, watching me as she takes me harder and harder….

I came quickly and I came hard, gasping for breath as my body bucked under my own touch. Fucking hell that was the best imaginary fuck I'd had in my life. I lay on my back alone in the caravan, my fingers still deep in my folds as the rain still pounded down mercilessly on the roof, and the light seemed to fade even more, making it difficult to believe it was still the height of summer. As the high from my orgasm faded, I suddenly began to feel lonely. Could I really afford to want Katie this much? I'd been so happy all this week just being around her. Surely that was what mattered most. To be steady again, to be constant. To have a real life. The waters had been muddied now. It was so much easier to believe that she just didn't feel that way about me, but then there had been that look. Plus the fact that she had willingly walked away from a perfectly gorgeous guy. Had she done that for me? My head started to spin with a whirlwind of possibilities, and I started to struggle for breath again this time from panic rather than pleasure. Shit. I couldn't afford a freak out, I had a show to do. Forcing myself to keep it together, I reached under the bed for my little red case full of drugs. My little batch of calmness in a bottle. I found the appropriate one and stared at it resentfully. Was I really going to be on medication for the rest of my life? Katie was the one thing that made me feel I had a chance to be free of it. I swallowed the pills and decided to cut the self-pity. I should be grateful for anything that she could give me, instead of always whining for more.

I didn't see her straight after the show. I went out to the 24 hour Tesco and bought us stuff for the morning. If Katie Fitch wanted fancy breakfast, she was going to get fancy breakfast. Hell, she was going to get whatever she wanted. I started to get nervous as I approached the caravan on my way back. What if there was an atmosphere? What if things were suddenly awkward between us? What if we had totally cocked up our harmonious home?

"Where the fuck have you been?" growled a heavenly vision upon my return.

I couldn't help but smile, it was lingerie hour again and she was in one of my favourite purple slips. It went beautifully with her hair, and the way it slithered across those perfect tits and ass was just…

"Well?" she demanded.

"I needed to go get some fags," I shrugged, which was greeted by a beautiful peal of laughter.

I don't know, Eff," she giggled. "You might be able to creep about like a ninja, and hold half the population entranced with your mysterious ways, but you're a well rubbish liar sometimes. There better be some decent shit in them Tesco bags, cause I totally owned you in that fight."

Oh Katie Fucking Fitch, I think you've totally owned me from the start. She had just boiled the kettle, and started pouring out two cups of tea. She seemed perfectly relaxed, and unaffected by what had happened that afternoon. The tension I had been dreading was completely absent. Katie carried both cups of tea over to her bed and got in.

"You coming to bed, babes?" she smiled at me.

.

.

For the third time in a week I woke up lying next to Katie. She was sat up in bed facebooking on my laptop.

"Gonna have to get you on a weaker dose of those pills, hun," she said blithely. "You've been out for fucking ages, and I'm starving."

"I'll get right on it, your majesty," I teased her.

"Damn right you will," she grinned back.

So I'm no Nigella Lawson. Domestic goddess was never really going to work for me, so I had chosen to go down the continental route. I'd bought croissants and brioche, mini cheeses, smoked salmon, posh jam and fancy ham. I had freshly squeezed orange juice, and brewed up a pot of the finest Columbian coffee. I arranged it all artfully on a tray, and presented it with a flourish to a surprised and delighted looking Katie.

"Nice work Mrs Fitch," she said appreciatively.

"Only the best for you, Mrs Fitch," I replied. "Of course, I would have bought champagne, but you've got to do two shows today and I wouldn't want you to drop off your silks and get squashed."

"Champagne breakfast," mused Katie. "Right, we are so going to have another fight tomorrow, which I will win and make you do this again for me on Sunday morning _with_ champagne."

"I'll look forward to it, Mrs Fitch," I smirked at her.

I watched her happily demolishing her breakfast, and all of yesterday's self doubts seemed stupid to me now. We really did work together, and in all honesty I couldn't think of anywhere I would rather be than in this rainy park in Newcastle in our unusual little bubble of domestic bliss. I suddenly felt something smack against my face. Katie had thrown Pato at my head.

"Eat something, you scrawny little motherfucker," she said. "Coffee, cigarettes and anti-psychotics are not a balanced diet."

"If you want to start the fight now that's fine by me," I replied. "But leave poor Pato out of it otherwise I might have to take you down."

"In your dreams, Stonem," scoffed Katie.

"I've got some moves you haven't seen yet," I countered.

"I'll bet you have," laughed Katie provocatively. "Whatcha gonna do? Photograph me to death?"

"You know, we could never really be married," I told her. "We like each other way too much and have way to much fun for that."

"Yeah," she agreed. "It's more like we're living in sin."

"Without the sin," I laughed.

"Yeah," said Katie. "Without the sin."

It was only the tiniest of inflections but she sounded…disappointed.

Interesting.


	22. 22 Thirteen Seconds

**A/N Hello my darlings. Well here is an unexpectedly quick and unexpectedly monster update. It seems as if my girls are starting to take over my every waking thought and all I want to do is write them. I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that like many of you, I am now desperate for them realise the full beauty of their love, and shag each other into the next dimension, but I know I've got to at least get them to Cornwall before such a thing can even be considered. As well as continuing to find compelling reasons for them not to be ripping each other's clothes, or indeed attractive lingerie off right now. So this is probably very good for those of you who like fast updates, but very bad for my social life. On the positive side I had an awesome training session today, and did some stuff on my arm I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do again so I am happy and getting stronger every day**

**I don't own Skins, but I'm sure we'd have some boundary issues if we drank too much tequila**.

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22. Thirteen Seconds

Katie

It was first thing in the morning and I was on the phone to the cocksucking bank. I had fucking told them to send my new bank card to Cook's mate's house in Newcastle so I'd be able to pick it up, but had they done it? Had they fuck? Wankers. I mean how fucking hard is it to type a new address into an online form? Motherfuckers can't cope with anyone unless they're sat in their nice little house doing their nice little job and never leaving their nice little town. So of course they had sent it to the one fucking place I wasn't going to be for ages – home. I was going to have to get my flatmates to send it on the our next gig in sodding Cornwall, and in the meantime there I was having to transfer my fucking wages into Emily's account so I could get some fucking money out. I mean whose fucking money is it in the first place? Fucking mine. I mean I didn't see some bank clerk hanging upside down by his cute little ass to earn it did I? And then I had to work my way through some forest of fucking menus, and then I got put onto bastard hold with some piece of shit cheery fucking tune where a grovelling human being should be. Cunting tosspots.

Finally I got put through to an actual person and he received the full force of my anger. He kept blithering on about procedure and protocol and bank policy and shit, but by the time I'd finished with him the smarmy little fucker was nearly in tears. That'll teach him to try to come over all superior with Katie Fucking Fitch. I ended the call and tossed my phone towards the end of the bed. Maybe I should just get Effy to show me how to do it on the internet. She's all over that stuff. It literally takes her seconds to sort shit out. Fucking superbrain. I looked down at the notepad resting on my knee, and saw what I'd been doodling whilst the bloody bankers had had me on hold. The page was fucking full, the same two words drawn over and over again in different styles. Effy Stonem. Effy Stonem. Effy Stonem. Effy Stonem. Effy Stonem. Some of them even had little hearts where the 'o' should have been in Stonem. For fuck's sake. Now she had reduced me to the level of a twelve year old Twilight geek obsessing over R-Patz. Thanks Eff.

I looked down at her sleeping form beside me, and all my anger melted away in an instant. I'm not exactly sure when my bed became _our_ bed. At first it was only when she had an episode, and then it became when either of us felt vulnerable. But slowly and surely it became more and more often that we'd find ourselves just wanting to sleep next to each other for the pure pleasure of it. Until now we sleep together pretty much every night to the point where it would feel weird if she wasn't there, sleeping her thick, faultless heavy sleep beside me.

Sleep was the easy part. It was when she was awake that she had me fucking rattled. Something had changed up there in Newcastle, and I felt for sure that she was onto me. I had only let the mask slip for a second, not even a second, but that tiny loss of self control was more than enough for Effy. She who knows fucking everything. She took me by surprise. We had mucked around like that before, and I had always managed to keep it together even when I had her beautiful body crushed against the bed. But not that time, not that fucking time. There was something about the way she surrendered and put herself at my mercy that really fucking turned me on. They weren't nice, the things I wanted to do to her at that moment. They weren't sweet, and loving and gentle the way I sometimes allowed myself to think I would be if I ever got it together with her. You know, me being all angelic and protecting her with my safe and beautiful love. No, those thoughts weren't nice at all.

I wasn't any kind of angel. The images that burned inside my brain were filthy and carnal and aggressive. I had shocked myself with the violence of my own desire. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to hold her down and take her, and I wanted her to want me to do it. I wanted to spread her legs, and push myself inside of her, and own her as I fucked her every bit as much as I owned her in the fight. And it threw me. If a bloke had had those thoughts about my Effy I would have wanted to smack him in the balls until he couldn't walk for days, and yet there was I, wanting the same thing. Guess I was my sister's sister after all.

But the worst thing was, I was so surprised I let my guard down. And Effy saw it, I know she did. How could she not? She sees fucking everything. Of course I ran, and ever since then I've been trying to gloss over it like I always do, pretending it never happened. Pretending that she doesn't know. But I'm fucking kidding myself as usual. She hasn't said anything, but I can feel her staring at me all the time. Like she's studying me. Like I'm under a fucking microscope. Ever since we got to Portsmouth I felt like I was some kind of secret agent on a deep cover mission, constantly living with the stress of discovery. I was under persistent scrutiny, and the tiniest slip would have blown my cover, with dire fucking consequences.

Cause now she knew, and now I was afraid. I had told myself not to want her, not to fall in love with her, cause that was when it always went wrong for her. I was terrified that now she knew, she would fall back into her old patterns, her old addictions, using the power of her sex to destroy us. Now that she knew, would she want to fuck me just because she could? Would I fall for it and become just the latest in a long line of suckers who thought they could change Effy Stonem? If she pushed it, would I be able to resist her? Like fuck would I be able to resist her. She could have me, just as soon as look at me, and I bet she fucking knew it as well.

Effy was changing. From what I knew from her stories, it would seem that the old Effy was coming back. Confident, mysterious, powerful and perfectly aware of the effect she was having on the men and women all around her. She was still sweet, but now she had a hint of predator about her as well. That all-knowing smirk was a more consistent visitor to her face. That frightened little girl that had clung to me with such desperation just a few months ago in Devon had all but disappeared, and in her place a new goddess like creature was rising. Trouble was that new Effy was seriously fucking hot. Even hotter than she had been before. Poor little Freddie had trouble keeping his eyes in his own head and JJ would start stuttering uncontrollably every time she came anywhere near him. I thanked the fucking stars that Emily was too wrapped up in her own blonde goddess to notice the ascension of mine, otherwise I really would have been in trouble. Ems would have fucked her and not cared about what it meant, and I couldn't compete with that.

Cause I fucking loved her. I was head over fucking heels in love with her. If she just used me for sex and then forgot me, I seriously don't think I would ever get over it. I had totally cocked it up. I had broken my promise. I had let myself fall in love with her and I had let her see how much I wanted her, throwing temptation in her path. And we all know that Effy and temptation are not a good mix. They are a nitro-glycerine type cocktail of potential disaster. One tiny knock and the whole fucking thing explodes. And even though half of me wanted just to let her explode all over me and take me out in a blaze of glory, I just couldn't let it happen.

She was still my Effy, my Mrs Fucking Fitch. The girl I wanted to wake up to for the rest of my fucking life. So I just watched her sleeping until temptation decided to stroke its seductive fingers through my soul. We'd been up late, a result of Cook and his emotional fucking meltdown last night. He had gotten himself into a right old state, getting drunk before the show and fighting with Naomi. In a way it was good that it had come to a head. They had been sniping at each other all week, though it had been building for a long time before that. I wasn't too pleased when Naomi had spaced out in the show and smacked Ems in the face during their routine, and then fucking dropped her. To her credit, Naomi was fucking mortified, but then Cook started sticking his oar in and it all went tits up. He went off on one, coming out with all kinds of nasty sexual bullshit about my sister. Effy was all let's be nice and try to understand him, but I wanted to understand him with my fist until Campbell beat me to it. I was all for pounding on him and finishing the fucking job, but one small touch on my arm from Effy was more effective at holding me back than the two strong guys who were struggling to do the same thing with Naomi.

In an amusing twist of fate it was my own little sexual powder keg that managed to calm everyone down again. She sent Naomi off after him, but to talk to him, not to rip his face off with her bare hands, which both of us would have been quite happy to do just moments before. Of course Emily ran off after Naomi. How could she not? She had just seen her girlfriend beat her best friend down in defence of her honour, and that kind of love does not come cheaply.

When they had gone, I turned to Effy.

"What the shitting hell is going on with him?" I asked her.

"He's terrified," she answered.

Well join the fucking queue, Cook. Life's one hell of a frightening bitch sometimes. I must have scoffed out loud, cause Effy took my hand and continued softly.

"He's terrified of losing his best friend," she said.

"Yeah, well he should man up," I retorted. "I'm losing a sister, because of the romance of the century over there."

"Naomi's his anchor," she told me gently. "He doesn't think he'll be able to survive without her. Besides, your sister isn't also fucking the woman you're in love with."

It took me a few seconds to work it out.

"Cook's in love with Emily?"

Effy wrinkled her nose up. It was adorable.

"I'm not supposed to tell," she said.

"What a plonker," I said, laughing in the face of Cook's plight. "She's the gayest girl in all of Gayland."

"Doesn't make her any less lovable," smirked Effy. "And she's very fucking lovable."

My jealously hackles started rising again. The merest hint of admiration for Emily from Effy sent my needles running straight into the red.

"Besides," she continued looking me straight in the eye with that piercing blue gaze. "All sexuality is fluid. It's just a matter of being bold enough to admit it."

Ok, that bullet had my name on it. Effy fucking knew. No doubt about it now. I could have tried to dismiss it as general purpose bisexual swagger. I have met a few in my time, and they always try to convince you that everyone else is bisexual too. I just never fucking believed them until now. All week I had been checking out guys, trying to work out if I still liked them, and I did. I just liked Effy more. Maybe I should just come out. Get myself a big old rainbow t-shirt announcing 'Gay For Effy Stonem'. I couldn't move. I felt like a small rodent hypnotised by a cobra's dance. I was just waiting for her to strike, and sink her venomous fangs into my helpless flesh. Thank fuck for Pandora Moon.

"Do you think they're gonna be alright?" she said, skipping over towards us. "Or do you reckon, Naomi's whacking Cook's bonce into the pavement. That's what my Thommo would do if Cook had said them dirty things about me."

Suddenly all eyes turned to Effy. Seemed like everyone had faith in the Oracle now.

"I think they're going to be alright," she smiled.

But are we, Effy Stonem? Are we?

We waited up for their reappearance, all sitting round on JJ's garden furniture and smoking fags. I don't think any of us wanted to go to bed until we knew whether our circus was going to rip itself apart or not. As I waited, I managed to find some steel from somewhere. So what if she knew? I wasn't going to give her the chance to use it to her advantage. I was not going to let her cock this up for us. I couldn't fucking bear it if I lost Emily, and then lost Effy too. Ems was lost already. I fucking knew that now. Naomi was the one who had finally tamed the tiger, and she deserved her reward. Effy was right about them, there wasn't a force in the universe strong enough to keep them apart. So I was damned if I was going to let Effy's self-destructive tendencies destroy what we had. A woman doesn't always have to give way to the animal inside her, does she?

Finally the triumverate returned, all smiles and best of friends again. Someone cracked open some beers, and a couple off spliffs went round. I think we all needed the release after the tension, and as a result we all stayed up for a few hours more having a laugh and just being the tribe. As JJ would have said, the integrity of the unit had been restored.

Despite the challenge she had laid for me, I hadn't banished Effy from our bed that night. I didn't want to give her any ammunition. So I pretended everything was just as it had always been, and snuggled into her as her pills took her away into sleep.

The next morning as I watched her, I felt my resolution falter. I had already torn the evidence of my teenage crush like obsession from my notebook and thrown the page into the bin, but the feeling was still spinning around my brain and my stupid hungry body began to betray me. I found myself mentally calculating when it was she had taken her pills, and how long I had before she would start to come out of their grip. Long enough. I slipped myself down into the bed till I was laying down beside her facing that beautiful back. She was wearing just a tiny pair of shorts and a strappy vest top and there was plenty of her gorgeous flesh on display for me to perve at. But I wanted more than that. I wanted to feel her. Nervously, I reached out with tentative fingers and stroked the visible skin between her shoulder blades. My fingertips came alive as they moved across her body as if she was charging me with tiny bolts of electricity. Her breathing maintained its normal steady pace, and so I grew a little bolder, tracing her spine up to her neck, and even dared to intertwine my fingers in her hair. Pulling them out again, I slid across the beautiful curve of her neck down to her shoulder, and then danced my way lightly down her arm.

The love of my life slept on oblivious, but now that I had started, I couldn't stop. I swept the palm of my hand all the way down her side, stopping to draw small circles with my fingers on her thigh. It was beautiful. She felt so beautiful. This was how I wanted it to be. Soft, gentle, meaningful. I wanted it to be about showing her how much I loved her, not about pounding into her in some rabid animal frenzy, not about empty fucking lust. I needed it to be about bringing us closer together, not driving a wedge between us until we couldn't find each other any more. I buried my face in her hair, breathing in the glorious scent of her as my hand continued to trace the delicious curve of her buttock and the sensational arc of her belly. It had always been physical, this thing between us, it had been the way we communicated back in the days before we understood each other. The simplest of touches could sometimes speak for us more eloquently than a thousand words. And now I was telling her without words that I loved her, I fucking loved her and I was still going to be strong for her no matter what. I wasn't going to let us be over. I was never going to let us be over.

If only she had been awake to hear me.

.

.

.

That Sunday we only had an afternoon show, so in the evening Cook and Naomi took us all out to a Mexican bar for food as a way of showing us that everything was ok again. It was great, the food was well tasty, and I had to laugh as Emily polished off the leftovers on everybody's plates. I have no idea how someone that small can consume so much food and still look as fit as she does, but sometimes it is a wonder to behold. I guess she was extra hungry having had to be on liquids for a few days after her smack in the mouth. It was a fucking relief to see everybody looking so happy, and partying on down just like any regular bunch of mates. Cook, Emily and Naomi were now as thick as thieves, joking and bantering and shoving each other around like a bunch of pissed up lads. Everyone had picked up on their good mood, and the atmosphere was pretty cheerful all round. We had moved from the dining area out to the bar and had moved on from beers to the inevitable tequilas so I guess it was only a matter of time before things started to get a bit lairy.

"I fucking love you all," said Cook, waving what must have been his fourteenth bottle of Corona around at us.

"Yeah, we love you too, you wanker," Freddie laughed back at him.

"We're pretty fucking special you know," continued Cook, not being deterred by Freddie's piss-taking. "What we've got, man, is some pretty big fucking love. We should feel the fucking love, yeah?"

"I'm feeling it, Baby," grinned Thomas.

"No," said Cook, turning towards the bar and ordering another tray of tequilas. "We should share it, man. We've got to share the love."

I saw Naomi roll her eyes like she knew what was coming next, but she still had a grin on her face. I watched a lightning bolt of recognition fly around the faces of all of the original Abandon crew, leaving only me and Effy and Emily in the dark.

"And nothing shares the love like…."

"BODY SHOTS!" they shouted, finishing off Cook's sentence for him, and raising their glasses in the air.

Oh Jesus Fucking Christ. My eyes shot first to Emily, who was laughing her head off, and looking well up for the idea. I didn't even need to look at Effy, I could feel her fucking smirk razor slicing its way into my neck from where I stood. But I looked at her anyway. Of course she was staring back at me with mischief in her eyes. She cocked her head to one side.

"Sweet," she said.

"My fucking idea," grinned Cook. "So I get to choose first. And then the person who gets chosen gets to choose next, but you can't choose anyone who's already been, yeah?"

"Bonkers," shouted Pandora, clapping her hands together in excitement. "Who ya gonna choose, Cookie?"

If the devil himself had popped into the bar at that moment, the look on Cook's face would have had them pegged for twins.

"Emily," he said.

Naomi crossed her arms and fixed him with the Campbell Death Glare.

"What?" he said innocently. "It's the only chance I'm gonna get."

Naomi's stern face collapsed into giggles. She was already pretty drunk after all.

"I'll be watching you," she said with mock menace as she offered Emily up to her fate.

"Don't let me stop you from joining in," he countered.

Cook's eyes were sparkling as he moved in and licked Emily's collarbone, pouring salt onto the moisture as he finished. He placed the wedge of lemon between her teeth and raised his glass to the eager crowd.

"One way ticket to paradise," he grinned manically, before turning back to Emily. In one smooth motion, he licked the salt from her neck, threw back his shot of tequila, and went to suck from the lemon in her mouth, taking shameless advantage of the opportunity to pull her lips against his and turn it into a full on snog. But then again, wasn't that what body shots were all about, getting to do what wasn't allowed in the name of harmless fun? To my shock, Emily didn't shove him straight away. Instead she grabbed his bum and pulled him tighter into the kiss. She even looked like she was enjoying it. It was Naomi that broke them up.

"Ok, that's enough," she said firmly, grabbing Cook by the hair and dragging him away from her girlfriend. She cast him aside, and ripped the lemon from Emily's mouth, pushing her into the nearest pillar and reclaiming her with a passionate kiss. Oh smooth work, Ems. She really knew how to work her girl.

"Fucking hell, Naomikins," said Cook. "No wonder you can't keep it in your pants. She is fucking sensational."

Naomi flipped him the finger without even breaking her kiss.

"Ems you've got to choose now," squealed Pandora, not wanting to lose the excitement of the game.

Emily arrived dark-eyed and breathless from her lovers grasp, clearly very pleased with the results of her teasing. She grabbed the salt and lemon from the tray and returned to face her crowd.

"Who's it going to be?" said Freddie eagerly, obviously hoping it was going to be him. Now that wasn't fucking fair, if Emily was now going to start controlling the male population as well as the girls with her mystical all consuming sex power. But Emily only had eyes for one girl.

"Naomi," she said in her special husky sex growl.

I watched Naomi grasping for the nearest chair in support as her knees went from under her.

"Boring," teased Cook, but he was no match for Emily in full predator mode.

"Oh you think so, do you?" she smirked at him. "Let's just see how bored after this."

She flicked her eyes towards his crotch and then pushed Naomi back against the pillar. She undid two more buttons on her lover's blouse to reveal the top of a rather impressive turquoise lacy blouse. Way to go, Campbell, never had you figured for a sexy lingerie type girl. But I guess when you're fucking a sex goddess, you do what you have to do, yeah? Emily moved in and slowly licked the top of Naomi's breast where her soft mound of flesh poked out from above the lace. She even managed to make the pouring of the salt look fucking filthy, and Naomi's mouth was already open and desperate for the next kiss as Emily placed the lemon in it.

"Tequila," demanded Ems, clicking her finger towards Cook. I don't think I've ever seen the poor boy move so fast to deliver her what she needed. She jammed her leg between Naomi's, trapping her against the pillar, before devouring the salt on her breast as if it were the very answer to life itself. She tossed back the liquor in one easy motion, chucking the glass over her shoulder, and then grabbed the blonde's wrists, pushing them over her head before claiming her lemon drenched kiss. Fuck me, she was good. Naomi looked like she would let her take her right there in the bar, and I'm guessing there must have been a small riot going on in Cook's pants at the same time. Emily released her grip, only to tear the lemon from Naomi's mouth, before returning and kissing her even deeper as everybody cheered. It didn't look like they were about to stop any time soon.

"For fuck's sake you two," I said eventually. "Some of the rest of us might actually want to drink some tequila too you know."

Cook looked across at me, and suddenly his eyes lit up.

"Oh sweet fucking Jesus," he bellowed. "Twin thing, Blondie. Do it, mate, fucking do it."

I shot him a look that promised untold violence for years to come, and turned to make sure Blondie was getting the same message, but Emily had that one covered.

"Sorry Cook, more than my life's worth," she shrugged, and surveyed the rest of the waiting contestants.

"Effy," she declared finally.

Though my heart lurched at the thought of anyone kissing my Effy, it also sighed with relief that the person doing it was so completely and obviously smitten with someone else. Effy smiled, and shrugged herself off the bar stool from which she had been observing the proceedings, grabbed the salt and lemons from where Emily had left them, and presented herself to Naomi. Naomi pulled her round, lifted up her hair and dosed the back of her neck with salt. She grabbed a tequila and then tasted Effy's gorgeous neck before downing the shot, spinning the brunette round and taking the lemon with a kiss. Emily's eyes held amusement but I reckon Naomi could still feel them burning into her back, because she quickly relinquished the kiss and turned back to her girl. Emily raised one eyebrow questioningly, and Naomi shrugged and ran straight back into her arms. Like we've mentioned before, no fucking force in the universe, not even….

Effy. Oh sweet goddess, no. She couldn't do it to me, could she? She couldn't make me kiss her here in front of all these people. My eyes started to plead with her as she locked her perfect gaze onto mine. I didn't fucking care if I revealed myself, I just didn't think I could handle it if she touched me like that as part of a game.

"Have to say, I am loving all of this hot lezzer action," leered Cook. "Go on, Effykins. Make it a good 'un."

The others started whooping as Effy wordlessy made it clear who her choice was going to be. I don't think she'd stopped staring at me for over a minute. I don't think she'd even blinked. A tiny corner of her mouth tipped upwards to form the faintest of smile. I was fucking history.

"Katie," my name whispered breathlessly across her lips made every single nerve ending in my body come screaming into life. Cold flashes of ice sparked up and down my spine, and majestic herds of fucking wildebeest came stampeding through my belly. All around me, my friends were whooping and cheering, but I could barely even hear them over the sensation of my own foolish heart wildly trying to escape from the prison of my chest.

"Why?" I mouthed silently at her as she approached me with the salt and lemon.

"Because you're Katie Fucking Fitch," she purred back at me. "What other reason do I need?"

I saw her then for the first time. The Effy that had broken countless hearts, and caused body after body to throw themselves on the fire for her. The Effy that had made grown men cry, and driven grown women crazy with the ferocity of their desire. Dark Effy, the woman everybody wanted to own even when they knew they could never make it so. The woman who made you fall in love with her, and then left you to wallow in the broken pieces of your soul. My black goddess. If I let her touch me now, I would be fucking lost forever.

"Effy don't," I whispered softly, pleading with her one last time.

She reached up and curled one hand behind my neck, and pulled me closer to her.

"I have to," she murmured gently into my ear, then pulled back until she could trap my gaze again. "Otherwise a puppy will die."

For once I cursed the revealing nature of my clothing as Effy ran her tongue between my tits and sprinkled salt onto my cleavage. She grabbed her glass and plunged her face back down to taste the salt. Then my body took over as all the muscles round my cunt clenched simultaneously, sending a fierce buzzing sensation radiating outwards from its source. As she jerked her head back to down the shot I wanted to grab her by the hair and bite into that sweet, long neck, and never let her go. Instead I let her come towards me and bite into the lemon, covering our lips with its juices. I was prepared for a brutal kiss, a cruel kiss even encouraged by the raucous jeering of my peers. Instead her lips met mine so softly I thought I would break out and weep. I swear the rest of the room just disappeared. Fuck, the rest of the world disappeared, and all there was, was that one small point of contact. Even the bitter taste of the lemon in my mouth was overcome by the most wonderful sensation I had ever experienced. I was kissing Effy Stonem. I was kissing Effy Stonem and the stars were falling from the sky just so they could sparkle on my lips. I never imagined there was such a thing in all existence that could feel as beautiful as this.

It didn't last. As soon as she broke contact the sounds of present day Portsmouth came roaring back into my ears. I spat the lemon from my mouth and stood there blinking helplessly as the light in the bar seemed suddenly too bright, and the voices of my friends suddenly deafening. It was several seconds before I dared a glance at Eff, but where I was expecting some kind of smug self-satisfaction, she was merely staring at the floor with her brow creased in confusion.

"Wow, Katiekins, that was fucking hot as fuck," beamed Cook. "You have to choose Pandora, and then I can get the set."

I heard him, but I didn't give a shit what he was saying one way or another. All I cared was trying to meet Effy's eyes, so I could try to work out what the fuck had just happened there. But she wouldn't look at me. Fuck her then, if she wasn't going to help me out. I was just going to have to get myself of this alone. Use what's around you, Katie. Use the game. Pick someone safe.

"JJ," I said suddenly. "Guess what, baby. It's your lucky night."

Bless him, his face turned an instant shade of beetroot pink. I had to lick my salt from the crook of his elbow, cause his t-shirt was so high and so tight it offered me no access. I shut my eyes as the tequila bit on the back of my throat, and then went in for my citrus hit. I didn't hold back for JJ. I kissed him with every bit as much intention as with Effy, I just wasn't feeling him. I was feeling her instead, remembering and recapturing the most precious thirteen seconds of my life.

"Thanks," said JJ honestly when I let him go.

"My pleasure," I winked back, easier to let him think I meant it for a while.

The rest of the game passed by in a flash as Effy and I stood on opposite sides of the circle, trying to sneak glances at each other but panicking every time we came close to locking eyes. Dark Effy seemed to have beat a retreat for now and I was fucking relieved, cause I now knew something in my very bones I had only ever theorised about before. Dark Effy could annihilate me.

JJ chose Panda, being the only girl left, and Panda went for the obvious and chose Thomas. After that, Thomas and Freddie eyed each other suspiciously, until Naomi took the piss.

"Come on, boys," she jeered. "You lads have all had the benefit of our super hot girl on girl action. Time to give something back to the community."

Predictably, Thomas salt lick was merely cursory, and Freddie just let him take the lemon straight from his mouth so he could squeeze it on his own, prompting a chorus of 'lame, lame' from all the girls.

"So who does Freddie get to do?" asked Pandora, always one for proper procedure in a game.

"Well, now we've come full circle," said a beaming Cook, ripping off his polo shirt and offering his bare torso towards his mate.

"Cook you're fucking mental," said Freddie accusingly, and mine and Effy's game of avoidance came to an abrupt end as we shared a familiar moment of me and her against the world.

"Oh, shit fuck, bloody bollocks. Sorry," spluttered Freddie, sounding like a locked on JJ as her realised what he had said. Effy shot me a glance that said 'what did I ever see in him?' and I couldn't help but smile back at her. There was my Effy again. My beautiful Effy who understood me in ways that even Emily didn't know.

"Bring it on, Freddie man," said Cook, arms spread out crucifix style. "I'm ready and waiting for ya."

I knew I wasn't alone in sneaking a cheeky glance at the wonderful sight of Cook with his shirt off. He didn't need to bother with homophobic angst. He was a boy who was very secure in his sexuality. Freddie shrugged and salted one of Cook's pecs, then downed his tequila and went to retrieve the lemon from the his mouth. If Freds was trying to get away with minimal contact, Cook was having none of it. He grabbed Freddie's head with both hands, and dragged him into a beautiful smacker of a kiss, prompting laughter all around. Freddie frowned when Cook finally released him, wiping his mouth with the back of his arm.

"I said we had to share the love people," howled Cook. "Not snatch it from each other as if it was going to bite us. Freddie's a lovely looking guy. If I was a girl, I would totally shag him."

He was ridiculous, but you kind of had to love him.

"Cook, if you were a girl, you would totally shag Emily," I laughed at him.

"Oh yeah," he said in delight, launching himself towards her, before Naomi's icy stare stopped in his tracks. I swear she could stop runaway trains with that stare.

"Cook," she reminded him. "You're not a girl. And you can't shag Emily. How many times do you want me to smack you down in one week?"

Cook diverted his trajectory and wrapped up his best friend in a bone-crushing hug.

"Ah Blondie, you know I fucking love you, man. You're the only other person that's good enough for her, babe."

They had to be the craziest fucking love triangle I had ever come across, but they also had to be the sweetest. Something told me they were going to be alright. It gave me a nice warm feeling. If those three could sort their shit out, maybe there was hope for me and Eff. I looked around to find her, but she was gone. For a moment my heart leapt in panic, but then I remembered her persistent nicotine addiction. I made my way out to the small smoking area at the back, and sure enough there she was. Looking cool as fuck, as ever. Apart from one small detail. Her mascara was slightly smudged around her eyes, and she kept blinking and sniffing slightly. It looked like she'd been trying to not to cry.

"So what the fuck was that all about in there?" I asked her, gently but firmly. I wasn't about to let myself get sucked into any of her games.

"I warned you," she replied. "I told you I wasn't a good person. But I'm trying to be better, and I am sorry for what I did."

"Don't let it happen again," I said.

"I won't," she promised.

"Then we're good," I replied, and pulled her into a hug to show her I meant it.

So what kind of idiot was I? I had kissed Effy Stonem, and it was the single most beautiful sensation of my life. Thirteen seconds of unparalleled paradise, and there I was asking her not to do it again. But I had to be strong. If Dark Effy got out of her cage again she could make me her bitch and then break me so hard there would be no coming back from it. I loved _my_ Effy, and I would fight to the death to keep her, even at the expense of my own desire. If thirteen seconds was all I had, then those thirteen seconds were what I would take. That night when Effy was lost in sleep beside me once again, I brushed the hair away from her face and let my lips touch the soft skin of her cheek, reliving those same thirteen seconds over and over again.


	23. 23 Double Vision

23. Double Vision

Effy

I was lying in a bath. An actual bonafide, full of hot steaming water type bath, and it was fucking wonderful. I've always loved a good long soak, and I always miss them when I can't have them. Like when you're in the hospital and they won't let you take a bath on your own in case you cut yourself. Or when you're touring with a travelling circus. Showers just aren't the same, they're just for getting clean, and I'm all about hedonistic excess, so a deep luxurious bath is always going to win. I haven't had a fucking bath since we were parked up at that big house in Scotland, so I was going all out now, candles, essential oils, bubbles, the works. The performers love baths too. They help them to relax their hard working muscles and ease their aches and pains, so Katie was on it like a shot when our hosts started offering their bathroom out for our pleasure, calling dibs on the first one. But then in an act of unprecedented kindness, she offered her slot to me.

It's only been a couple of days since the Body Shot Incident, most of which has been taking the tent down and making the long journey down to Cornwall for our final show of the season. I still feel like shit over provoking her like that, but I just wanted to kiss her so much. I had wanted to ever since she let it slip that my desire for her was mutual. My body has been fighting a raging war with my head, and my heart has been locked in a bitter battle with itself between needing her to love me completely, and wanting to protect her from the bitch I know I can become. My body won the struggle that night, the tequila having destroyed my self-control. It was a fucking high to feel that powerful again, knowing I could manipulate her into letting me have my way. It was what I had always done with those who were foolish enough to want me, seduced them without mercy and then left them out in the cold to die. I wanted her. I wanted her on her knees and begging me for more, and my fucking evil scheme was working right up until the moment when our lips had actually touched.

I could still taste her now. This wasn't some loser who just wanted to fuck me, this was Katie Fucking Fitch, the strongest, most beautiful and incredible woman I know. I love her so much it would kill me to hurt her. I wanted to pull straight out of it, but her lips were the most amazing thing my flesh had ever touched. I was helpless. I didn't understand why I had been so lucky to get this chance to touch her like that, to feel the things she was making me feel. Those beautiful lips had sought me out clinging to me for far longer than the game demanded, and in their sweet embrace I had been stripped naked of all false emotion. I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg for her forgiveness, confessing the true depth of my love and offering myself to her to do with as she wished. But of course we were in a bar in fucking Portsmouth in the middle of some stupid drinking game and all our mates were staring at us. If I'd had the balls I should have done it anyway, but all I could do was stare at the floor and wonder why it was so difficult just to love someone and to have them love you back.

I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes, and I ran out to the smoking area to try to escape before she saw. But of course she found me anyway. She always fucking cares about me, even when I'm being a cunt. Suddenly it was my best friend out there in that yard again, pulling me into a hug, and reassuring me it would all be ok. She has been being extra wonderful to me ever since, not backing away an inch. She has me marvelling at her courage and patience and her generosity of spirit, but maybe she is just showing me what we stand to lose, if I cock things up with my ridiculous ego, always needing to win.

Whatever the reason, I was grateful for it then as I lay there in that beautiful plant filled bathroom, the candles flickering all around me and the sweet aromas from the oils rising with the steam from deep comforting water that surrounded me. I dried my hands and sparked up the tiny one skin spliff Katie had rolled for me, on the proviso that I leave the door unlocked so she could come in and rescue me if I got into trouble. It didn't take me long to smoke it and once I had tossed the butt into the ashtray I sank back down into the bath and let my head dip below the water. I was smiling as re-emerged into the air. This was fucking paradise. Well almost. The only thing that could have made it better would have been having a naked Katie Fitch in there with me.

"Effy, you alright, Babe," her beautiful voice sounded outside the door. "Can I come in? I've made you a cup of tea."

Oh my wonderful angel, you never need to ask. We live together in a tiny caravan. It's not like you've never seen me naked. The door slid open and in she came bearing gifts of heated beverages.

"Christ," I said when I looked up at her.

I couldn't help it. She was quite casually dressed for Katie, wearing loose dance pants, a fitted top and a little purple cardigan. She had her hair up, held messily in place by a couple of clips and her face was clean of make up. I don't know if it was just the candlelight, but she looked fucking stunning.

"See something you like?" she grinned at me. I had obviously been staring for far too long. I couldn't form words, and I couldn't lie to her so I just nodded my head and submitted to her enchantment.

"Me too," she said, her eyes drinking in every part of my body that was visible through the bubbles. Even through the heat of the water, I felt a different kind of moisture forming itself inside me. Katie's eyes never left my body as she put the cup of tea down on the side and started undoing the buttons on her cardigan.

"What?" I said croakily. I wanted to make more sentence, but the words dried in my throat.

"I want you, Effy," she stated plainly, discarding the cardigan and pulling down her trousers. "I can't fucking hide it any more."

"Oh," was the only thing I managed in reply. Smooth, Effy, smooth. Perhaps now would be a good moment for silent Effy to return. I watched entranced as Katie pulled off and undid her bra, releasing those incredible tits into my loving gaze. I heard my breathing get increasingly ragged, as the love of my life, my fucking beautiful angel, pulled off her pants and stood before me completely naked.

"I want you too," I stuttered. "I have wanted you for months."

"I know," she replied confidently. "It's your breathing. It always gives you away. So now you're going to get want you want."

I swallowed hard, gripping the sides of the bath for safety as she walked towards me raising her leg and dipping her perfect toes into the water.

"Mmmm, hot," she said, pretending to talk about the temperature, but all the time fixing me with a filthy look filled with raw desire. She slid the rest of her beautifully proportioned frame into the bath and crawled forward until she was lying on top of me, her leg sliding in between mine and making me gasp. Katie Fitch naked and wet, the weight of her body pushing her glorious skin against me. The pleasure was so intense it was almost unbearable. She brought her face up close to mine, stroking my wet hair away from my face.

"Do you want me to do you slowly?" she half whispered. "Or fuck you like the world's about to end, and we are grabbing our final chance at happiness?"

Jesus, what kind of a fucking choice was that?

"Um, both?" I said hesitantly.

She smiled a tiger's smile and destroyed me just a little bit more.

"That's my Effy," she said. "Always up for maximum pleasure. Well, we'll have to see what we can do about that."

She pushed one of her strong Fitch arms beneath my back and pulled me partially out of the water. I followed her lustful gaze and nearly started shaking when I saw what she was looking at. Moments later, her mouth closed around my nipple and began to suck.

"Oh, Jesus, Fuck, Katie, God," I screamed.

Suddenly I heard the noise of someone running into the room, and my eyes were blinding as it flooded sharply with light. What the fuck was going on? For several seconds my perception was all over the place and I had no fucking idea where I was until I heard her voice.

"Effy. Babes. Are you alright?"

Katie. Real Katie, who had just run into the room and turned on the light. Fuck. I had been hallucinating, only this time I had been seeing angels instead of monsters. Fuck, it had felt so fucking real. She had heard me cry out her name.

"Effy. Answer me." said Katie urgently, coming to the side of the bath and squeezing my arm.

"So who the fuck is she then?" said Katie. Other Katie. Vision Katie, who was sat on the end of the bath, still naked, smoking a fag. Fuck. Shit. I was still hallucinating. My eyes flicked between them helplessly as I tried to understand what my brain was doing to me. Two Katie Fitches? Only my epically demented mind could have come up with that one. Naked vision Katie shot me a look as if to repeat her question.

"She's the woman of my dreams," I told her, too freaked out to attempt any kind of lie.

"Who is?" asked real Katie.

She must have clocked my terrified stare focusing on the end of the bath, because she came out with our traditional call and response, but her voice was full of trepidation.

"Anyone else in there?" she said, stroking the side of my head.

"Yes," I answered, hesitantly.

"The woman of your dreams?" she asked me gently.

"Yes, no, shit well she is and she isn't. I mean she's only in my head. But she's real too," I babbled.

"It's ok, babes," said real Katie softly, taking my hand. "We'll get through this together.

"She's sweet," said naked vision Katie. "But does she want to fuck you like the world's about to end?"

"Yeah, she does," I replied. "It just wouldn't be right."

"Pussy," scoffed naked vision Katie. "You should just fuck her and have done with it."

"No," I insisted. "I can't. I can't let myself hurt her."

"Who are you talking to, Effy?" asked real Katie, pulling my focus back to her. "The woman of your dreams?"

"Yeah," I acquiesced.

"Tell me about her," real Katie said softly. She had nothing but love in her eyes. This woman really was a fucking angel. I could hear naked vision Katie laughing from the end of the bath. When I looked back over to her, she stopped laughing and her face softened into a gentle smile.

"Just tell her, Eff," she said. "Just fucking tell her."

I looked back towards real Katie, this fucking unsung hero who had given me back my life. I just couldn't fucking lie to her any more.

"She is the most amazing person I've ever met," I began. "She is powerful and fiery and independent, and electrifyingly beautiful. Every time I look at her I am amazed that she exists. She won't take any fucking shit, but at the same time she is so caring and so generous. She is a warrior and she fights for me every single day. She can take down men twice her size with a single blow. She is tolerant of my faults but will always encourage me to try to be better, because she believes I can do it. She looks after me, she makes me laugh, she has given me a home, she brings me peace. She is incredibly stylish, and the stuff she wears has me drooling like a teenage boy. I want to kiss her and make love to her all the fucking time. Because I love her. I love her so fucking much. I know I don't deserve her, but I do. If I was good enough for her I would hold her in my arms for the rest of my life because she's the most precious thing in all of space and time. And…she has the most amazing tits I've ever seen in my life."

"She sounds incredible," laughed Katie. "But she's only in your head, yeah?"

"Well, I would find it hard to believe in her if I didn't know she was real. I'm looking right at her. Do I have to spell it out for you, Katie? She has purple hair. She's a circus girl. She has a twin."

"Oh," said Katie. Real Katie. The only Katie in the room. Naked vision Katie had vanished leaving me alone with the woman of my dreams.

"I'm in love with you, Katie. I've been in love with you for a long time. I was just too scared to tell you, because I needed you so much."

"Fuck," said Katie, rubbing her head in her hands. "Fuck. Fuck. Fucking hell."

"I'm sorry," I said, starting to panic. "I just couldn't keep it inside any more. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise, Eff," she insisted. "I'm not mad at you. It's just…it's a big thing. It's a big thing to have to handle. I just never thought you felt like that about me. You actually fucking love me? I don't…I just, I just need some time to process it all."

"Just don't leave me," I pleaded, tears starting to flow freely down my face. "Please don't fucking leave me."

Katie frowned at me and shook her head.

"I won't," she said. "I'm not losing my best friend over this. We'll work it out."

I held my arms out to her pleadingly. I needed some kind of physical contact just to assure myself that the bond was still there, that I hadn't just done the stupidest thing in a life full of impressive stupidity. She pulled me to her until we were both kneeling, me still half inside the bath and her outside it, and wrapped her arms around me, ignoring the fact that I was naked and soaking wet. I felt more vulnerable than I had done in ages. I had just thrown my whole fucking life into her hands. But this was Katie Warrior Princess, my fucking guardian angel.

"I won't leave you," she promised, clinging tightly to me. "I'll never fucking leave you."

She held me until my panic subsided and then pulled back till our foreheads were touching.

"Are we good?" she asked me.

"We're good," I assured her.

"Then get the fuck out of this bath," she told me. "There's a fucking queue, you know."

I couldn't help but laugh. One thing I forgot in my little woman of my dreams tirade. She can cut through my madness like no-one else I know. I don't know what my stupid brain was thinking. There's only one Katie Fitch.

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A few hours later we were dancing together again, just like we always do. We were at a party in the barn of a farm owned by the people who were organising our next event. They were old hippy buddies of Naomi's mum Gina, and the party was kind of cool. There were people of all ages there, and JJ and Freds had done a little fire show earlier. The music was a mixture of all kinds of styles to suit the crazy mix of people there, but I didn't really care what the tune was, as long as I could dance to it with Katie. When she came back to our caravan after her bath, she was still just the same old Katie rabbiting on about stuff, and helping me fix my hair. She showed absolutely no signs whatsoever of losing it over my confession. She just made me look like a princess, and then drew me out into the dancefloor and threw her arms around me, just like she always does. I felt myself relaxing into the easy comfort of her presence. Whatever I throw at her, be it madness, badness or love she just takes it. She never lets it deflect her from her path, treating me just the same. She doesn't start freaking out and collapsing in on herself. She is still just always there for me. A sudden thought hit me that maybe this would actually be ok. Maybe I had finally found the person who was strong enough to love me in all my fucked up glory.

It was several hours later when I went off to find our bottle of wine. Everything we do seems to have some elements of 'ours' to it now. I can't think of anyone outside of Mum and Tony that I've ever felt this close to. A strange feeling of optimism started running liquid gold throughout my veins. We already behaved more like a couple than many real life lovers. I knew she wanted me, I had seen it in her eyes and felt it in her kiss. If I could just get her to trust me, this might actually fucking work.

That's when I saw them. Katie talking to a girl. A beautiful girl. A stunning natural blonde with surfer's muscles and a coolly casual sense of dress. The girl was clearly flirting with Katie, flashing her eyes and her perfect shiny teeth. She laughed and ran her hand down Katie's arm, and Katie didn't shake her off. My body pulled some kind of evil reverse alchemy, and the liquid gold of optimism transformed itself into the dreary lead of self doubt. Katie getting off with a guy because she was straight, and she couldn't feel for me like that, that was one thing. But if she got off with another girl that would kill me. Suddenly the beautiful hippy party didn't seem so friendly anymore. The alcohol in my blood felt more like poison, and those happy smiling faces were all laughing at me now. Poor stupid mental Effy, thinking she could have a life. Thinking she could get a girl like Katie Fitch. I dropped the bottle of wine and ran outside, cursing my failing senses and trying to keep the world in focus. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I just be fucking normal? My fear started to become compounded by rage. I dropped to my knees and started pounding at the ground. There were voices trying to break through, but I wouldn't let them come. I wouldn't be a fucking lunatic any more.

Suddenly I felt strong arms wrap around my body. I turned round to fling myself into them, and I felt her lips take me into a kiss, and I closed my eyes and kissed her back as if the world were about to end.

"Woah, Effy. Easy tiger," a familiar husky voice said as she pulled away from me. Familiar, but different. I managed to pull my senses back into focus, and found myself staring deep into beautiful familiar brown eyes. Familiar, but not the same. Emily, I'd been kissing fucking Emily.

"What the fuck?" I spluttered. "Why were you kissing me?"

"You were pounding your fists on the ground screaming 'no, no, no'" she replied. I figured I had to do something to bring you back."

"And that something was snogging me?"

"You use the tools you've got," she shrugged. "It seems to have worked. What's wrong, Eff? Shall I get Katie?"

She stood up to leave, but I grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"Don't," I said to her. "I just lost it for a little bit, but I'll be ok now."

"Are you sure?" she asked me gently, taking my face in her hands. "I wouldn't want to have to kiss you again. Not that it wasn't enjoyable."

She raised a cocky eyebrow in my direction and I couldn't help but smile. Even in my somewhat fluid interpretation of the world there are some things which are absolute and undeniable truths. One of those truths is that Emily Fitch has a way with the ladies.

"Why were you fucked up, Effy?" she asked me. "Because of drugs?"

"No," I replied. I hadn't had anything since that little spliff.

"Because of Katie?"

"She's flirting with another girl," I blurted out.

Emily burst out laughing.

"I doubt it," she said in disbelief. "Another girl might be flirting with Katie, but she's only got eyes for you. I've seen the way you are together. It's like you're each other's oxygen."

"I told her," I admitted. "I told her that I loved her."

"What did she say?"

"She said she needed time. She said it was a lot to process. Said she needed to work it out."

"Then give her time," said Emily sagely. "When did you tell her?"

"Just a few hours ago."

"Then you need to relax. I've seen you together since then, you're still beautiful together. She hasn't run away from you. And I don't think she's going to."

"You know her, Ems. Do you think she could love someone like me?"

"Honestly?" said Emily, with a beautiful tenderness in her eyes. "I think she already does."

She pulled me to my feet, and dusted me down.

"Now go back in there and tell that bitch to get the hell away from your girl. But be cool. Remember what we did at Gina's birthday party. You're fucking beautiful, Effy. You need to show Katie what she'd be missing."

"What if it doesn't work?" I asked her. "What if she sleeps with me and then regrets it?"

Emily's face lit up with a smile of pure mischief.

"Honey, if that kiss was anything to go by, she won't fucking regret it."

Emily left me to it and danced back into the party, but she left me feeling good. I could be cool Effy, I could be confident Effy. I could show Katie what she'd be missing. The sex goddess had spoken. I was officially hot. Her white magic was more powerful than my black, and her alchemy had the liquid gold pumping furiously through my body once more. I slunk cat-like back into the barn, fully aware of the stares that began to follow me. I took them in, feeding off them like a vampire, and with each soul I took, I felt myself getting stronger. Surfslut was still hitting on my Katie, but not for long. I wound up the Stonem Death Glare. You use the tools you've got, right?

"You can't have her," I said as I approached.

Surfslut turned and staggered slightly under the full beam of my gaze.

"What?" she said in surprise. "Who are you?"

"You can't have her," I repeated. "Because she's mine."

I reached out for Katie and pulled her seductively into my arms. She didn't resist, letting me wrap myself completely around her, and laying her head on my chest. I breathed in the hypnotic scent of the woman I loved and looked the blonde girl deep in the eyes.

"See?" I challenged her.

"I'm sorry," she said, backing away. "I didn't know. She didn't say she had a girlfriend."

"What the fuck, Eff?" murmured Katie into my chest. "We were only talking."

She didn't loosen her grip on me one bit.

"_You_ might just have been talking," I laughed. "_She_ was trying to get in your pants."

"Jealous?" teased Katie.

"Yes," I replied honestly.

"Were you jealous when I was with Nathan?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Fuck," she hissed under her breath.

"Look, I know you need time," I said calmly. "And you can have time. You can have all the time that you need. But until you tell me no, I'm going to believe in us. I'm going to believe you can find a way to love me back."

Katie didn't move from the physical haven of my arms, but I could feel her head nodding ever so slightly against me.

"Ok," she whispered so quietly I could barely hear her over the music. "Ok."


	24. 24 Love Is Friendship Set On Fire

**A/N This one has to go out to Summerskins, who gave me the quote that Emily uses in this chapter, which is also the title. So appropriate for these lovely girls methinks. She first heard it in Spanish "El amor es un amistad en llamas", but I looked it up and it actually came from some seventeenth century english vicar type dude. Who woulda thunk it? And yeah, I know I've already used the "Who the fuck are you?" line in IHAFICC when Emily dumped Shayna, but I couldn't resist the chance to restore it to it's rightful owner, so here it is again. For my people.**

**I don't own Skins, but I am eternally in its debt for bringing me Emily, Naomi, Effy and Katie Fucking Fitch.**

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24. Love Is Friendship Set On Fire

Katie

It's been three days since my birthday and I'm still fucking terrified. Three days since the best and worst birthday present of my life. Three days since Effy told me that she loved me. Happy birthday, Katie. Be careful what you fucking wish for. All those nights I held her or snuggled against her unconscious form, secretly telling her how much I loved her, I used to wish desperately that she'd wake up and turn around (yeah I know she was fucking drugged, I'm just saying, yeah), and tell me all those beautiful things she told me three days ago. God those beautiful words, that fucking naked emotion, I had never imagined in any of my fantasies that it would be as moving as that. But then she's clever, really fucking clever, and even though she can't control her mind, she understands it. Of course she would know just why she loves me. I just never thought she would be able to express it like that. When I met her, she barely spoke. She was blank and emotionless, or so it seemed. But that was before I knew her, before I knew how beautiful that messed up mind really was.

It wasn't terrifying in my dreams, because I never thought in a million years that it would actually fucking happen. She hid it so well I never thought she had any kind of feelings for me other than friendship. Even when things started to get more sexual, I still just thought it was Dark Effy coming to life again, wanting to fuck me for the thrill, just because she fucking could. I had no idea that Effy's desire was driven by something far more powerful than simple lust. She doesn't just want me, she loves me, admires me, respects me and needs me. It was so deep and strong that when she told me how she'd been to scared to reveal her true feelings to me because she needed me too much, my heart just tore itself asunder. I understood. I understood because that's exactly what I'm feeling right now.

The idea of Effy loving me was fine when it was an impossible dream, but now it's fucking real. Now I have to actually deal with it. Of course I should just tell her that I love her too, then we can have mindblowing sex and then ride of into the sunset as the credits roll. But this isn't a fucking movie. Stuff happens after that perfect kiss that isn't so fucking simple. Thing is I need her too. I need her too much. I can't put a foot wrong now. I can't make a mistake and lose her for good. Effy was so brave, throwing herself on the line for me, I have to know that I deserve it. Because I love what we have. I love our relationship. That Mrs and Mrs Fitch thing isn't so much of a joke, because I love living with her, I love being with her. I love going to the shops with her and getting ready to go out with her. I love cooking her food and making sure she eats enough. I love talking to her, even when I know she's not listening to the words but just to the sound of my voice. And I fucking love sleeping next to her every night and waking up with her every morning. I want her to be my life. I know it. I've never felt this sure about anyone else before.

But then there's this great big gaping unknown, that's rising up and threatening to devour me. Sex. Sex with Effy. Gay girl sex. I'm not saying that there is anything in any way inferior about it. God I've seen the wide-eyed adulation on the faces of Emily's lovers often enough to know that it can completely satisfy a woman. But I'm Katie Fitch, the straight twin. The one who loves men, the one who was never without a boyfriend. Yeah, I know I've had sexual feelings for Effy, some of them quite shockingly aggressive, but what if that all just stems from the way I love her and underneath it all I'm still just fucking straight? I know she wants it, and I want to be able to give it to her, but what if I sleep with her, and then find out I miss cock too much? What if I can't even fucking go through with it? What if I hurt her so much she wants to escape from reality and has a fucking relapse? Can I really handle that responsibility? What would it mean for me? Not just losing Eff, but Anthea and half my friends as well. These are the fears that have paralysed me for the past three days, and they are driving me crazy.

I don't have any solutions, and I can't see how I'm going to find them either. Effy has been amazing, just giving me the space to try and work my shit out, even though it must be torturing her. It's almost like she's the carer now, being all mature and patient whilst I flounder around in the dark, wishing myself back into blissful ignorance rather than painful, confusing knowledge. Everyday life with Effy was still just as easy as it had always been, but I found myself taking quite a lot of walks on my own to try to make sense of some of the constant whirlwind in my head. This time I had gone down to the beach, below the outdoor amphitheatre where we were going to perform in a couple of days time. You had to climb down a steep cliff path to get to it, but it was stunningly beautiful and well worth the effort. Just the kind of place for a bit of lonely soul searching.

Except I wasn't alone. I could see a familiar blonde figure wandering around on the rocks. Naomi, and she didn't look too steady on her feet. She was kind of staggering around a bit and having to lean on the rocks for support. I ran over to her.

"Naomi, are you alright, babes?" I asked her.

She blinked and looked like she was trying to pull herself together.

"Yeah I'm cool," she muttered vaguely. "I'm just a bit pwwwfff."

She waved her hand in front of her face. Her eyes were almost glazed over and she looked kind of out of it.

"Naomi, are you off your tits?" I said suspiciously.

"No," she replied with a goofy grin.

"You look fucking stoned," I told her.

"I'm not, I'm just…"

"Drunk?"

"No," she giggled insistently, trying to take a step towards me, but kind of wobbling a bit.

"Are you sick?" I ventured. "Cause there's something not right with you."

"It's alright, Katie," she assured me, putting her hand on my shoulder. "It's nothing, it's just…"

She pulled me closer and whispered conspiratorially at me.

"It's just that your sister is really REALLY good at sex. Sometimes when she does me, it just takes me a little time to recover."

"You've been having sex on the beach?" I asked haughtily.

"Oh fuck yeah," grinned Naomi breathlessly, still looking post-orgasmic, even though Emily was nowhere to be seen.

"Christ, you two never fucking stop," I said disdainfully, but Naomi's attention had wandered. She was looking over my shoulder with the widest smile in the west. I turned to catch sight of Emily casually jumping from rock to rock.

"Why would I want to stop?" said Naomi dreamily from behind me.

I whipped my head back round and was nearly blinded by what I saw. Naomi was staring at her lover with such love, desire and satisfaction it was scorching my retinas just to watch. I wanted to steal that look, and give it to someone else. That's the look I wanted Effy to have when she was looking at me. Emily continued rock-hopping towards us with a sweet happy smile on her face. She always loved doing that, even when we were kids. Little seven year old me would be working on my tan and trying to look fit for the boys, but Emily would just climb and rock hop for hours on her own and be perfectly contented. Looking at her now indulging in such innocent pleasure, she almost looked seven years old again. Until Naomi disavowed me of that notion.

"I know she's your sister and that," she said. "But my God is she a phenomenal fuck."

Naomi's filthy grin kickstarted a whole new avenue of girl on girl sex terror in my already anxious mind. What if I just sucked at it? What if I couldn't satisfy Effy, and she left me for someone that could? Great, now I had to explore a whole new world of fear. Emily came to a halt on a rock just next to me and Naomi. She took one look at her blissed out girlfriend, and looked incredibly pleased with herself.

"How's it going, Katiekins?" she winked at me.

"You. Me. Sister time. Now," I ordered. "We can leave Mrs Just Got The Train Back From Shagsville here to recover the use of her legs and brain. Probably in that order."

Emily looked down at her lover questioningly, but Naomi just waved us off and plonked herself down on the sand with her back to a rock and started staring out to sea with that same thousand yard shit eating grin on her face. Emily jumped down from her rock and spread her arms out sideways.

"All yours, sis," she said cheerily.

Ok, so you find yourself wanting to know everything there is to know about lesbian sex and a few more things besides. Go to the girl who wrote the fucking manual.

We wandered down the beach for a little bit, before sitting down on the sand. Though I had a thousand questions crashing round my head, I couldn't force any of them out. I just sat there soaking up the heat of the sun, looking at my beautiful sister and listening to the sound of the waves. It was peaceful. I needed it to calm the bedlam in my head. It was Emily who broke the silence.

"What is it Katie?" she asked me. "I don't think you asked me down here so we could work on twin tans."

"What do you do?" I blurted out.

"What do I do when?" she smiled.

"You know," I said, jerking my head back towards the waking sex coma that was Naomi.

"Seriously?" Emily laughed at me. "Don't you think we're a little old for the 'what do lesbians do in bed' conversation."

"I'm not asking that," I scoffed. "I wanna know what_ you_ do. Women adore you, Ems, even straight ones. How do you make them fall for you so hard?"

"It's a gift," she said smugly.

"I'm serious, Ems" I said crossly. "What would you do if you wanted to not just fuck a girl, but you wanted to show her that you meant it, that she was like everything to you? But you also needed it to be really good, cause she's done it with loads of other girls before you?"

"I'm sure Effy will know you love her, Katie. She knows fucking everything."

"Who said this was about Effy?" I said in panic.

"Forgive me," smirked Emily. "I didn't realise there was some other girl you wanted to show she was your everything. That surfer chick who was all over you the other night perhaps? It's a little sudden maybe, but she was kinda hot."

"Fuck off, vagina brain," I retorted. "I don't want her. Jesus, I fall in love with one girl, and all of a sudden I'm some kind of gay slut? I'm not you."

Emily just laughed at me, she was fucking loving this.

"What?" I said aggressively.

"Firstly, as we have mentioned before, I'll think you'll find the word is player. Though I'm not that girl any more. Naomi's my lobster."

"And?" I said cautiously as the devil waved at me from her eyes.

"You just admitted you're in love with Effy."

Busted. Might as well get what I came here for.

"So how do I show her I mean it? That I'm not going to let her down."

"Go down on her," said Emily.

"I'm serious," I said, smacking her on the arm.

"So am I," she countered, one look in her now steely eyes silencing any retort. And once again The Fear flooded over me in waves.

"What if I can't do that?" I asked her.

"Then you don't mean it," she replied.

I felt the tears brimming in my eyes, and then spilling over with reckless abandon. What the fuck was this? I'm Katie Fucking Fitch, I don't fucking cry.

"I do mean it, I do," I babbled through the sobs.

Suddenly Emily's hands were on my face, wiping away the tears.

"Hey, it's ok," she promised. "I believe you. You just have to start believing in yourself. There's a reason Effy chose you."

Emily's calm words cut through my dread in an instant. Effy chose me. Beautiful goddess like Effy Stonem, the girl who made everyone fall in love with her. The girl who when she turned it on could have anyone she wanted. But she didn't want anyone else. She wanted me. She chose _me_.

I quickly wiped the rest of my tears away and turned back to my sex devil of a sister.

"So how do I make this happen?" I said.

"From what I can gather Effy is used to people falling in love with her, but it's all about infatuation. Ultimately it's about what people can get from her. About the person they think she is – glamourous, mysterious, deathly cool. But no-one knows her like you do, Katie. You've got to show her that it's all about her, about what you want to give to her."

Emily's eyes were soft and caring. She might have given her heart to her feisty blonde beauty, but a part of her would always be mine. Even so, it was time to let her go and find my own love. I nodded at her to continue.

"Be gentle with her, the other stuff can come later."

I felt myself blushing. It was as if she had reached into my mind and found all those dirty thoughts I'd been having about my honey.

"So make love to her," continued Emily. "Kiss every part of her, take your time over her, and don't fuck her, even if she seems like she's desperate for it. Pull her legs apart and make her come with your tongue. Trust me, if you really do love her it will be the most beautiful thing you've ever experienced. And then just go back to kissing her until she's ready to fall asleep. Don't let her fuck you that night. Show her that you don't need to take anything from her in order to love her. Next morning she will wake up starving for you. She will need to know that it wasn't all just a transitory pleasure. So be waiting for her, don't give her a moment to doubt you. Kiss her the moment she wakes up. Kiss her as if your life depends on it. And once she knows you're still there for her you can do whatever you like, whatever she wants. You can keep it sweet and loving or you can fuck her through the bed. But just make sure you tell her, tell her just before she comes, that you love her. Look into her eyes and tell her that you love her. If you play it right, the only thing Crazy Effy will be crazy for is you. And that, my beautiful sister, is going to be fucking spectacular."

I closed my eyes for a brief moment, succumbing to the dark angel and letting visions of being spectacularly fucked by Effy Stonem tidal wave through my consciousness.

"Oh Jesus," I hissed involuntarily.

Emily's eyes were sparkling. She was controlling it well, but I knew she was finding it fucking hilarious that I was in such a state over a girl.

"Please don't tell anyone," I begged her. "I still don't know if I'm ready."

"Not even Naomi," she said, squeezing my hand in assurance.

"Yeah well, you're too busy fucking her brains out to actually hold a conversation," I said.

"And she's back," grinned Emily. "You can't keep Katie Fitch down for long."

"What's more important, Ems? Love or friendship?"

"My best friend is Naomi," she answered. "Love is friendship set on fire."

.

.

.

Two days later and I still hadn't acted on Emily's advice. It wasn't the advice that was at fault. I know that if it had been Effy that Emily had set her sights on they would have been dancing the fuck fandango all the way to seventh heaven by now. Why did I have to be such a fucking coward? But The Fear kept tumbling round in my head and my heart without respite. Effy and I had been happy here, like really fucking happy. When we weren't working we literally went out to play. It was so beautiful round here that Effy was having a field day with her camera. She would insist on taking shot after shot of me, and in the end I just had to end up going for it, posing around for her like we were on some kind of modelling shoot. To be truthful, I didn't really mind. She made me look fucking gorgeous. She made me feel like a fucking film star.

But my treacherous brain kept slipping back in time to Anthea's words on that balcony in Brighton.

"If Effy could finally be free of this vengeful fucking shadow that's been clawing at her back for years, it would be fucking immense. She's finally got hope, and I dread to think what would happen if she lost it again. I don't want to lose her, Tony. I couldn't fucking bear it."

Anthea and Tony were here now, and I could see how happy they were that Effy was well. I watched Anthea staring at her daughter with complete pride and unconditional love, how was I supposed to compete with that? I kept thinking about Joe. The last time Effy was in love it had driven her mad. If I failed her, what would be the result? Could I be responsible for tearing a child away from her mother and hurling her into the abyss? The pressure was fucking immense. I know Effy thinks I'm something supernatural, but I'm just a girl. I'm just a fucking girl.

Still, I ran across the clifftops like a fucking superhero, as the carnival parade approached our performance space tonight. The festival had been going on all day in town, but Effy had stayed on site, with Anthea and Tony looking after her. You see she had been trapped in a carnival crowd the day she had lost her mind. She was already on her way, drinking vodka for breakfast and consumed by dark and terrible thoughts. Joe had tried to take her for a nice day out, get her some fresh air and to take a break from the drugs. But it had backfired, she had started seeing demons and really freaking out. Poor Joe didn't really have a clue how to deal with it. He wasn't much more than a boy himself. He was trying to get her home when they took a wrong turning and found themselves in the midst of a manic dancing crowd. Effy thought he had betrayed her. She thought he had delivered her to the devils that wanted to destroy her. All of her hope was gone, and she ran away from him in terror. That was the first time she tired to kill herself.

It was a measure of how far she had come that she had even considered watching the parade arrive. It was led by people dressed as demons for fuck's sake. I offered her the chance to be far away, insisting we could do the gig without her if we had to. But the cool blue eyes that stared back at me as she declined were different from before. Those eyes that held such horrors when I first met her were gone, and in their place were eyes full of steely confidence. Effy was no longer afraid. Still, I stood in front of her as the procession came into view. If necessary I would beat every last one of them down to save my girl. I felt her arms slide round my waist from behind, and she rested her head on my shoulder to get a better view. I listened cautiously to the rhythm of her breathing, but it remained calm and steady.

"Anyone else in there?" I asked her nervously.

"Only you and me, babe," she assured me, squeezing me tighter. "And I fucking _love_ you."

All of a sudden I was the one trembling. I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

I found a temporary respite during the show, where I could clear my mind of turmoil and concentrate on the performance. Not to blow my own trumpet, but we seriously kicked ass that night. The audience helped of course, the day of crazy celebrations had whipped them into a frenzy, and their excitement was beaming right at us when we were onstage. The surroundings were so stunning, and Effy's projections were breathtaking in the open air. When I first discovered aerial, it was just so bloody exciting. I climbed and did amazing things, and people thought I was something special and they clapped. I couldn't think of anything that felt better than that. But anything can become routine, anything can become just a job. It's like the first time you try a drug, and the hit is amazing and you have the best fucking night of your life. But then you try it again, and it's not quite the same. It's still good, but not the same. And then your tolerance slowly builds and you have to take more and more to even get you high. That's what gigs had started to feel like before Emily got us out of there. I knew she felt it first, and I knew she felt it worse than me. I was too scared of change, but she was there, being all bold again and dragging me in her wake.

Thank fuck she did, for that night I was having the night of my life again. Not just as good as the first time, but even better. Doing this finally felt like it meant something. That the pleasure we were giving people was a positive force in the universe. That night, as I swung and danced and fought my way through the show, I actually felt like the woman Effy seemed to be convinced I was.

Afterwards I didn't run to her. I was far too giddy for that. Instead I sought out Emily and climbed up the poles to help her take down the rigging. She didn't badger me about Effy, like some idle gossip. She never did that, despite the way I used to constantly hound her about her love life. Instead she just let me be with her in silence as we worked. Down below, all kinds of pandemonium was erupting as the revellers had their merry way, but up here with Ems I found the peace I needed as I continued to mull over the biggest decision of my life. I had never been too far from her, and for far too long I had given her way too much of a hard time, but I'd always fucking loved her. And though I'd never fucking admit it, I fucking adored the supercharged Wonderwoman she'd become. Shit, I was going to miss that Little Red Corvette. Our perfect sisterly moment was soon interrupted by Naomi, climbing up to join us. I guess they were always going to be now, but what the fuck. The blonde bombshell loved Emily every bit as much as I did.

Naomi managed to blurt out their little 'secret' inadvertently. The fact that Emily was going to go and live with her in Bristol. As if I hadn't worked that one out. I may not be a goddamn super brain like the rest of them, but that was hardly fucking rocket science. You don't need to be Effy to read those two like a fucking book.

"I'll miss you," said Emily.

"What, during the five minutes every day when you're not shagging Blondie?" I laughed. I wasn't going to let them get away with it too easily.

"Seriously," insisted Emily, my little sister. The other half of me.

"I'll miss you too," I admitted. "But we can't live breathing each other's air for the rest of our lives. Anyway, I have Effy now."

"So you are shagging her?" blurted Naomi. God I knew I could be tactless sometimes, but that one rivaled my finest hour.

"Don't be ridiculous," I scoffed too quickly, trying to cover myself. "Effy doesn't need that kind of complication in her life right now."

Ok, that might have worked on Naomi, but there was no bullshitting my sister. "You know she loves you?" said Emily.

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. "But she matters so much to me, I couldn't bear to fuck it up."

"What makes you think you'd fuck it up?" asked Naomi. Good old Blondie, always willing to see the best in us.

"I'm not like Emily," I replied.

"Not gay?" she asked.

If only it were that simple. I tried to think of a way to explain to her that all my fucking attitude was just a front. That she had actually managed to bag herself the stronger twin. I sudden memory from our child popped into my head that pretty much summed it up.

"Not fearless," I told her. "I remember when we were little kids, the next door neighbour's kid got a bike for his birthday, and he offered us a go. Neither of us could ride a bike, but that didn't stop Emily. She took that bike to the top of a hill and tried to freewheel down and start pedalling once she reached the bottom. She kept falling off, but every time she would just get back up, push the bike back up to the top and try again. All I did was stand and watch until she finally cracked it. The look of pure joy on her face was incredible as she rode around and gained command of it, but I was still too terrified of falling to even try. I made up some lame comment about bikes being for losers, and it was another two years before I went near one again."

"Effy's not a bike," laughed Emily.

"Isn't that a slang for bisexual? So technically, she is," I giggled, but I couldn't stay light hearted for long. I decided to open up to both of them. After all, Naomi was pretty much family now.

"What if I try, and I can't handle it? She's doing so well, she really is. She hasn't even had an episode since Liverpool. I can't put that in jeopardy by fucking around with her heart, and then running back to men. I have to be strong for her. I have to be sure, but how can I be sure without trying?"

I dropped the last of the ropes, back down to the stage, and took a deep breath. It was time to go and find her.

"Where are you going?" said Emily.

"Where I always go," I smiled. "To find her, to hold her, to breathe with her. I fucking love just breathing with her."

"Effy told me something once," said Emily urgently. "She told me to be brave. I think she would want you to try."

"She's worth the risk," Naomi called out to me. For some reason it hit me even harder than all of Emily's kindness. Emily had never been scared of love. She had always rushed willingly into its flames, daring them not to destroy her. But I knew it was different for Naomi. I knew how much of a struggle it had been to her to sacrifice herself to her own emotion. But finally she had dared to make the leap, and look where it had got her.

"I know," I replied. Effy was priceless. She was worth everything I had. "I'm just still trying to figure out if I am."

"You're Katie Fucking Fitch," said Emily forcefully. "Of course you fucking are."

I was laughing as I climbed back down the kingpole into the mayhem. If the sex champions of the world were fighting my corner, there was probably no going back. I didn't stress out as I wandered through the chaos of the night to find the one girl who made sense of all the chaos of my life. I had finally accepted that the 'normality' that I had craved was just a fucking joke, and that here amongst the fringes was where I belonged. Effy would never be 'normal', but it was only since I had met her that I had begun to feel truly alive. All the way through our childhood and our adolescence Emily and I had struggled with our identities, trying to prove that we were so very fucking different to each other. As I wandered through the gorgeous riot of this crowd, drinking in the colourful chaos, I began to realize we were more alike than anyone could imagine.

Fire eaters, samba dancers, people dressed as goats. Stoners, chainsmoking mothers and crazy tattooed boys. Girls who defied gravity, and guys who knew the cube root of any number you could name. Lovers, fighters, dancers and chancers. All of them were my people now. And always, at the end of every journey, would be her. Coming home would always mean finding her. And so I did. There she was leaning casually against a rock, looking for all the world as if the gods themselves had placed her there, just to show us the true meaning of beauty. Tony was lurking protectively in the background, but as ever letting her be. A boy was standing next to her, leaning in talking earnestly in her direction, but Effy paid him scant attention. Effy was looking at the sky. I followed her gaze upwards, to find myself looking at dozens of shooting stars weaving effervescent patterns across the night. I caught sight of Emily and Naomi, still up on the rigging bar, holding each other, watching just as we were as the cosmos painted pictures in the sky. Effy once told me that the building blocks that make the suns are the same as those that make our blood, our bones, our muscles, and our hearts. That each and every one of us is made of stars. Right then I fucking believed her. We were fucking infinite, and infinitely beautiful.

I watched as her would be suitor staggered towards me, casting his eyes about him over the ground.

"Have you lost something mate?" I asked him.

"Yeah, got a bag with some cans of booze round her somewhere," he muttered.

"Is that it?" I said pointing to a Tesco bag on the floor behind me.

"Aw, yeah cool," he said. "Thanks babe."

"It's ok," I shrugged. "You're going to need it in a minute."

"Huh?" he said in confusion.

"You'll need to drown your sorrows," I smirked. "You can't have her."

"What?"

"You can't have her," I said, looking at Effy. "Because she's mine."

"No way," he scoffed. "She's not fucking gay."

"Care to take a wager on that?" I taunted. This motherfucker was going down.

"Who do you think you are?" he asked me.

"I'm Katie Fucking Fitch," I replied. "Who the fuck are you?"

I sauntered sexily towards my girl, watching with pure delight when her eyes lit up as she saw me. She tossed her fag aside and we slid seamlessly into each other's arms. Where we belonged.

"May I have this dance?" I whispered into her ear.

"You can have every dance," she replied.

"Then let's get out of here."

We wandered round the field in search of inspiration, before Effy pulled us to a halt in front of a ukulele orchestra.

"Here?" I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Why not?" she shrugged. "Any tune is perfect if I can dance to it with you."

I pulled her closer to me, needing to feel that perfect synchronicity I always felt with her when we danced. When Ems and I were little we used to have our own twin language, that nobody else understood. I think dancing was mine and Effy's equivalent of that. Sometimes we expressed things with our bodies we could never have gotten close to with words, and it was here in this wordless communication that we always found the truth. The band had launched into an old Prince number, as I savoured the sensation of Effy's sweet body in my grasp, I felt compelled to sing along.

"You don't have to be rich to be my girl

You don't have to be cool to rule my world

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with

I just need your extra time and your…."

"Kiss."

Oh God, Effy did have a husky sex growl. I am fucking buggered. She leaned in and gently touched her lips to mine. Only two seconds of paradise this time, before she broke away and pulled back to face me. She was waiting for me. She wasn't going to force it. She wanted me to come to her. A new and fascinating creature stood before me. All the sexual power of Dark Effy and all the sensual love of my beautiful friend combined, new Hybrid Effy looked me right in the eye, and dared me to take her on.

If love is friendship set on fire, then Effy Stonem is a fucking arsonist.

.

.

**Wishing you all a Happy (insert winter festival of your choice)**

**Hypes xx**


	25. 25 Consciousness

**A/N Well here's hoping you all had delightful festivities. I had two whole days off and did lots of things I really like doing, so that was good. You know I love you all, and I continue to be moved and delighted by all the wonderful reviews and messages you send me in appreciation of my work.**

**But there is only one person that this chapter can really be dedicated to and that is lizardwriter, the first and true queen of Keffy goodness, and an inspiration throughout this story.**

**Well it is the holiday season, so you probably won't be at work, you almost definitely won't be at school, but you might well be with your granny. Be warned.**

**I don't own Skins, but I'd probably cop a cheeky feel if it was sleeping.**

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25. Consciousness

Effy

I stopped taking my sleeping pills two days ago. I felt sure I didn't need them any more, and I didn't want to miss a minute of being with Katie. The nights used to be the worst of all, the darkness exaggerating every little terror that I dreamt up for myself. Sleep became impossible, as I forced myself to stay awake in constant fear. Sometimes, I wouldn't sleep for days, using any drugs I could get my hands on to keep myself conscious until I would simply black out from pure exhaustion no matter where I was.

But now the night holds no such horrors, for I get to sleep with Katie Fitch. It's the safest place in the world. No demons dare to interrupt my dreams with my warrior by my side, and even if we were in some kind of physical danger she has enough street fighting tricks to take down a fucking army. My reward was more than worth the risk. Not only did I get to feel every little nuance of the woman I loved as she moved around in the bed beside me, I could also feel the way she put her arms around me as we slept, hear the cute little murmured noises of her dreams. I got the chance to watch her sleep for once. Last night I even crept out of bed once it was daylight, grabbed my camera and took some shots of her whilst she was sleeping. A little pervy I know, but hey, I'm the crazy lady who takes pictures of her friends having sex so what can you do? But best of all, Katie was better than any medicine at making me feel rested. I came into the day refreshed and alive, instead of trying to fight away the chemicals that had been depressing my central nervous system.

And oh yeah, she talks in her sleep. Some of it's just nonsense. The other night she shouted out, "Make sure Emily gets to the picture-framers. We have to illuminate the donkey." But the thing that makes me smile is the number of times my name comes up in that subconscious jungle in her mind.

"Effy Babes."

"Effy, get the cauliflower."

"No, you can't have that. That's for Effy."

And of course my favourite.

"Oh God, Effy, honey."

Murmured in a tone that suggests whatever we're up to in her brain, it's a whole lot of dirty fun.

It has come as quite a shock, discovering how to be happy. I never really understood it before now. But that's what I am now, happy. I honestly think this week has been the best week of my life. It felt like the traditional massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders after my confession, it really did. I had been so worried for so long about revealing my feelings to Katie, that once I did I suddenly felt liberated. I realised that my intentions were honourable after all. I really did love her, and after my little pep talk with Emily I realised that there was nothing wrong with that. I could do this. I could love her without destroying us, because of who we were, and who we were together. The proof is in the fact that despite my revelation, we are tighter than ever. I know Katie is scared, and I know she is scared for me, but I am growing stronger every day. I love who I am becoming, and I know it is she that has made it so. So no matter what happens, I have to love her anyway, cause she is my angel, and she always will be.

When I kissed her in front of the ukulele orchestra, it lasted but a moment, but in that moment I felt us taking several steps closer to paradise.

"Fuck," whispered Katie, when I pulled away and looked her in the eye.

"Well yeah," I said softly. "That is kinda part of my evil scheme."

I saw another hint of panic flash across her eyes, and wondered when exactly it was that I had become so certain.

"It's ok," I told her. "You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. You don't have to do anything for me to love you. I just do anyway."

"Effy, I…." she said hesitantly, but I never got to hear her finish, as we were interrupted by the strident tones of my wonderful mother.

"Effy, darling. There you are sweetheart," said Anthea, rolling up bottle of Prosecco in hand. "How are you doing, love? Fancy a drink with your old mum? Couldn't bum a fag of you, could I, sweetheart?"

I felt Katie shrinking away from me, but I couldn't be angry with Anthea. Instead I felt myself laughing. This had to be karmic payback for the David incident. I took a swig from my Mum's bottle, then handed it to Katie whilst I pulled out my packet of fags.

"Who's this bunch of bastards then?" said Anthea, taking a deep drag, and waving her cigarette in the general direction of the ukulele orchestra.

"Not so loud," I shushed her. "They're actually quite cool."

"Really?" shrugged Anthea.

"Yeah, really," I replied.

I was trying to lock eyes with Katie, to remind her that this wasn't over yet, but she wasn't playing. Anthea's arrival had rattled her, and the moment had been lost.

And so we, hung out for a while. Me, my would be girlfriend and my mum. And it was fun, apart from Anthea's not so subtle attempts to bum coke from Katie without me noticing. Needless to say my Mum was pretty shit-faced and starting to get all sentimental.

"Can't believe it's nearly all over," she said sadly.

"Yeah, the real world's gonna be a shock to the system," sighed Katie.

"It's been a bloody good one," grinned Anthea. "Still, onwards and upwards, ever forwards. We'll just have to make next year's show even better. Where's Little Red?"

"Where she always is," replied Katie. "With Naomi."

I could sense the sadness in her voice, not only that the end of the tour would mean letting go of Emily, but also that Anthea still seemed to favour her sister over her.

"Fucking excellent," smirked Anthea. "I'm so glad those two got it on. That other bitch was no way good enough for my Little Red?"

"You really love Emily, don't you?" said Katie.

"Course I do," replied Anthea. "She's my tiger."

"Yeah," nodded Katie, looking at the ground.

"But you, Missy," continued Mum, waving her finger unsteadily at her. "I fucking _adore_ you. You are fucking incredible."

"Really?" said a shocked Katie.

"Look," insisted Anthea, holding out both arms in my direction. "Look at her. You gave me back my beautiful daughter. It's a fucking miracle."

"I didn't do anything," muttered Katie uncertainly.

"Bullshit," asserted Anthea. "We've tried a dozen therapies, we've tried a dozen cocktails of drugs, but all they've ever done is barely stopped her from plunging over the edge. But you rock up, and suddenly she starts fighting. This is the most wonderful gift anyone could ever have given me. Just to look in her eyes and see my Effy there again. I hope you know how bloody lucky you are to have her, Eff."

"Yeah," I said, finally catching her eye. "Yeah, I do."

"Good, well then I'll leave you girls to go and have some fun," proclaimed Anthea. "I'm gonna go find Red and Blondie before they shag each other to death."

And with that she was gone. Katie and I stared at each other for a few seconds before both collapsing into hysterical giggles.

"She's quite something," said Katie, with tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks.

"Welcome to the family," I replied. "Wanna go 'have some fun'?"

"Can we just go home?" asked Katie wearily.

"Yeah," I smiled, taking her hand and leading the way.

So there I was, forty minutes later on my third night without drugs, failing to get to sleep next to Katie. She had her arm draped lazily across my stomach and it was driving me crazy. She was driving me crazy. When we'd gotten home, she had made us both a nice hot chocolate. Nice and homely and friendly, you would think. But then she had gotten changed into the most gorgeous silky slip in pure white. It made her look even more like the perfect fucking angel that she was, but the way it showed off her perfect tits made me think entirely devilish thoughts. I couldn't help but look, she was fucking breathtaking.

"Are you perving, Effy Stonem?" she grinned at me.

"No," I answered sweetly.

"Yeah right," she scoffed. "You're practically dribbling."

"In my brain, there's no such thing as perving," I explained. "Only appreciative perception of aesthetic."

"You don't fool me with your fancy words, Stonem," retorted Katie. "I know a pervert when I see one."

"Either way, you're fucking beautiful," I replied.

It was such a gift to finally be able to be honest with her, and know that she wasn't going to run. What she chose to do with that information was up to her, but the coy little smile that crossed her lips at my last statement was enough to release a whole Amazon rainforest of butterflies inside my body.

"Just take your fucking pills and come to bed," she told me.

I came to bed, but I didn't take the pills, which was why I was lying there enjoying the sensation of her beautiful body wrapped around mine. Despite being so much shorter than me, Katie loved being the big spoon, as if she always wanted to protect me even in her sleep. I tried to curb my sense of disappointment as I felt her stirring, and she started to withdraw her arm. I expected her to roll over and continue sleeping with her back to me. I certainly was not expecting what happened next.

She stayed lying there next to me, and ran the backs of two fingers down my arm. The she flipped her hand and ran her whole palm, back up my arm to my shoulder. She repeated the whole motion, and then lightly kissed the back of my shoulder. My body was screaming at me just to turn over and let her know I was awake, but I was fascinated. She clearly assumed I was unconscious, and I would have been by now if I had taken my drugs. I wanted to see where she was taking this. Her fingers started to trace their way down my side, and I felt myself becoming excited, but I forced myself to try and keep my breathing steady. Katie continued her sensual exploration of my body with the lightest of touches, spreading her five fingers across my stomach and then drawing them back towards her. It was hard not to give myself away as she delicately slid her hand across my ass. Jesus, did she do this other nights? No wonder I was waking up happy. The back of her hand started to caress the small of my back, and a delicate hummingbird of a kiss graced the back of my neck, as the moisture started to gather between my thighs. She subtly drew one finger up and down the length of my spine, investigating each of my vertebrae in turn, and I nearly fucking lost it. This was the love she was too afraid to show me when I was conscious, and it was devastating. I swore to myself I would do anything to show her she could trust me, that if she let me see this love I would take care of it for the rest of my life.

Her hand slipped gently back up to my side, and then over its curve to stroke my stomach once more. Her fingers drew random patterns there for a while, lulling me into a false sense of comfort, before she suddenly reached up and flicked her fingers across my breast. I couldn't help but gasp, as the sensation rocked my entire body.

"I fucking knew you were awake," said Katie.

Busted.

"You've stopped taking your sleeping pills, haven't you?"

"How could you tell?" I asked her.

"It's your breathing," she told me. "It always gives you away. I've been listening to you sleep for months, I know your breathing like I know my favourite songs."

I rolled onto my back to face her, she was leaning up on one elbow with her other hand still resting on my stomach.

"I don't need them any more," I confessed. "The demons don't come when I'm with you. I don't get nightmares any more."

"That's wonderful," she smiled down at me. "And I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Feeling you up in your sleep, because I'm too scared to tell you how I really feel, is a little creepy and invasive."

"But I want you to touch me, Katie," I assured her. "I want you to touch me anywhere you like."

She held my gaze as her hand slowly crept back upwards to cup my breast. The contact released another flood of wetness between my legs, but before I'd even recovered from the surge, the same hand was holding my cheek, and those beautiful brown eyes looked down at me with such exquisite tenderness.

"Last time you fell in love it sent you mad," she said sadly.

"Last time I was in love, I wasn't in love with Katie Fucking Fitch," I grinned back up at her.

And that was it. She leaned down and kissed me at the same time as she rolled on top of me and slid her leg between my thighs. I was helpless. As soon as I felt her tongue against my lips I opened my mouth to let her in. As soon as I felt full body contact with her, I melted and started pushing myself up towards her. As soon as I felt her leg slide against me, I wanted to spread myself wide open and let her take me. This was not how I had envisaged this at all. I thought it would be me being all cool and experienced, steering my nervous lover round the curves. But there was only one person in control of this situation and it wasn't fucking me.

When Katie was kissing my neck I wanted her to bite me and suck the very blood from my veins. When she was kissing my breasts and teasing my nipples I wanted her to take me so hard I forgot my own fucking name. When she flipped me over and started nibbling her way down my spine I wanted her to fuck me from behind and have me screaming. But Katie was having none of that. She wanted to kiss, caress and touch every part of my body with such elegant sensitivity, she made me want to cry. I was desperate for her to fuck me, but I wanted to feel the things she wanted to show me. This was about so much more than sexual satisfaction, I wanted to know her, I wanted to feel the truth of her in every last detail of every beautiful touch. Her lips were grazing patterns across my stomach, whilst the fingers of one hand played casually with my erect and sensitive nipple.

"Fuck, Katie" I gasped at her.

"Well yeah," she said with a wicked smile. "That is kinda part of my evil scheme."

Her lips trailed to the top of one of my thighs.

"Eventually," she smirked at me.

Her body leaned against my right thigh as her left hand scraped its way down my right, making white marks with her nails. She pushed against my knee with her hand, forcing my legs open, and I only had a second to register the hunger in her eyes, before a realisation sent my whole body into an electrical storm of anticipation. Katie Fitch was going down on me. A single flick of her tongue across my clit exploded every nerve ending in my body.

"You are so fucking beautiful, Effy," she told me, before another single flick of her tongue had me clutching at the bedsheets and thrusting my hips up towards her in desperation.

"Please," I begged. I fucking needed her so badly.

"For you, Babes," she said, before plunging her wonderful tongue back down into my folds.

From that moment I was completely hers. It's hard to believe that some of my lovers have even struggled to find my clit, when Katie seemed to instinctively know a dozen ways to drive me into a frenzy. Long slow vertical lapping, tiny fast frenzied horizontal flicks, kissing, sucking, nibbling, pushing hard against me and then withdrawing to a featherlight touch. She had me gasping for breath and writhing wildly beneath her generous attentions. For that was what it was. She was giving herself to me, she was giving me her love. I could feel it as she reached up my body and found my hand. I intertwined my fingers with hers, savouring that small moment of intimacy even as she began to increase her force and pace, driving me ever closer to the explosion of sensation I knew was going to come.

I was going to come. And I knew it was going to be different from anything I'd experienced before. Because I felt so fucking loved. With every touch she told me that I was the most precious thing in the universe. The pleasure was intensified by the feelings it invoked. Every physical sensation was multiplied by the fact that she had seen me at my worst, at my craziest and at my most vulnerable, and she still wanted to love me. My entire focus drained to the tiny bundle of nerves between my legs, and the way Katie was making me feel. My breathing quickened to an insane pace as the sensation built to a point where it could no longer be contained. I clung onto her hand as the last few flicks of her tongue drove me into a wild uncontrollable release. I've never been much of a screamer but I called out her name as the orgasmic wave smacked me in the face at a hundred miles an hour, and fucking knocked me backwards with its force.

I lay there in a daze, whilst somewhere in my consciousness, I heard her release a stream of curses a sailor would have been proud of. The next thing that registered was that she was kissing my belly over and over again.

"Come here," I pleaded, desperate to feel her mouth on mine again.

She responded by crawling up my body, taking her time to lick both of my breasts on her way up, before finally taking my mouth in hers in a deep and sensual kiss. I could taste myself all over her, and it made my body shake with aftershocks as she ran her fingers into my hair. She released me from the kiss, and pulled back to gaze at me adoringly.

"Katie, I…." I began. I didn't even know what I could say to her that could explain what I was feeling at that moment, but I thought I ought to try.

"Sssshh," said Katie, bringing her finger to my lips. "I'm going to kiss you now, and I'm going to keep kissing you until we fall asleep."

She brought her lips to mine in such a gorgeous tender kiss, I had no strength left to protest. Instead I let her kiss me over and over again. I let her hands retrace more delicate journeys across my skin, bringing me back down and soothing me wordlessly towards sleep. I can't remember the moment I lost consciousness. All I know was that I still had my beloved Katie in my arms, and she was still wearing her fucking sexy lingerie.


	26. 26 Through The Bed

**A/N. First of all, a big thank you to everyone for the wonderful response to the last chapter. I knew right from the beginning that that was how I wanted them to get together, so I've had that scene playing in my head for months (lucky me). I would love to have replied to you all, but lots of shows yada yada yada, and I figured you would want me to get on with the morning after, so here it is. And oh yes…**

**WARNING. Do not read at work/school/in front of your granny, whilst operating heavy machinery, within a 20ft radius of a minor or when driving on the interstate (you know who you are).**

**A shout out to nit picker who picked me up on a mistake in an earlier chapter, fair play love I didn't spot that one. The chapter itself goes out to Pixies123 – good luck with the physio, love. Keep doing the exercises and good luck with your recovery xxx**

**I don't own Skins, but I would….**

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26. Through The Bed

Katie

I replayed the whole thing over and over again in my mind as I waited for her. And every time it sent tiny waves of shivers throughout my whole body. I couldn't stop staring as she lay there sleeping peacefully beside me. I had been awake for an hour just gazing at her, but I didn't mind. I could look at her all day. I was waiting for her to wake up so I could put part two of Emily's plan into action. It would be churlish not to seeing as part one had gone so fucking well. Another flashback presented itself inside my currently one track mind, and I felt a tingling sensation between my legs. Emily was right. From that first kiss there was no doubt or hesitation. I knew I wanted her completely. Touching her, tasting her, watching her grow more and more aroused was so fucking exciting. I could never have guessed that giving her pleasure would have made me feel so good, but every time she responded to my touch, it was like the best fucking high just rushing through my bloodstream, making my heart work three times as hard just to keep up. Watching and feeling her orgasm take over that beautiful body made me actually feel like the angel she thinks I am. All I could do in its wake was swear like a fucking trooper, cause there was so much emotion in me I thought I was going to explode. My beautiful Effy. Sometimes she feels like she could shatter to the touch, and at others she is nothing but pure steel, but in that moment she was liquid and I could have fucking swam in her forever. Making Effy come was the singular most beautiful event of my life.

I couldn't wait to do it again.

She was lying half in and half out of the duvet, but it still wasn't enough. I lifted the covers and looked down at the exquisiteness of her naked form. It was just the appreciative perception of aesthetic, right? I think I must have touched every inch of her skin last night, but my fingers still ached to touch her again. I wanted her to open those hypnotic blue eyes, and look at me the way she looked at me last night, so full of wonder, desire and love. I carefully placed the covers back down again, resisting the urge to tuck her in. Fuck's sake, did I want to fuck her, or just take care of her forever? The answer was both. I had done a pretty good job of fooling myself about it, but I had been in love with Effy for weeks, maybe even months. Who knows when it really started? Probably that first time that I held her in my arms, the night I became her angel. I let out a little chuckle as I remembered the way she had stared at my tits that night. Even a deep rooted multi-layered psychotic delusion cannot foil the power of the mighty Fitch breasts.

At first it had all been about need. She needed someone to protect her from herself, and I needed someone to care for to make me feel like a woman again. But there had always been that spark of something more. That's why it grew from something that was merely convenient into something that was truly amazing. We weren't just each other's first aid, we were our holistic cure, reaching into every part of each other's lives and slowly making it better. As our friendship grew, the spark became an ember, an ember which kept smouldering away in the background despite our mutual attempts to deny it. Until Effy poured petrol on the tiny flames when she told me that she loved me, and set our friendship on fire.

My heartbeat accelerated as I felt her begin to stir. Not long now. I remembered Emily's words of advice.

"Be waiting for her, don't give her a moment to doubt you. Kiss her the moment she wakes up. Kiss her as if your life depends on it."

Effy was lying on her back, her perfect lips ever so slightly open, and her beautiful hair arranged as if by design upon the pillow. I seriously didn't think kissing her as if my life depended on it was going to be a problem. Her eyes flickered open, and when I caught my first glimpse of that mesmerising smoky blue, I had to stop for a moment and catch my breath. Then I leaned straight down to kiss her. Her lips were so amazingly soft and she parted them immediately, drawing me in as if she had been waiting for me. I deepened the kiss at once, sliding my tongue into her mouth and being rewarded by an undulation of her body beneath me. She tasted so good and her mouth was asking for me as her hands reached up into my hair. I was already wet from the flashbacks, but my desire started building inside me, and all conscious thought melted in to the need to touch her body. My hand ran up her torso of its own accord and reached around the exquisite flesh of her breast. I heard her gasp into my mouth, and pulled away so I could watch the effect I was having on her. Her body convulsed as I squeezed her harder, and her eyes flickered shut momentarily. When she opened them again she gazed up at me not only with love, but with open invitation.

I rolled on top of her, my hand working harder on her breast, and taking her lips roughly with my own. I could feel her legs spread open and her hips rise up to meet me. It was a massive fucking turn on. How could anyone resist this heavenly fucking creature imploring them to take her. I pushed my tongue deeper into her mouth and ground my hips down into her. I wanted her, I wanted her as if my life depended on it. I wanted her fucking tits in my mouth. I kissed her roughly down her neck and collarbone and then drew back so I could get a clear sight of my target. My breath hitched as I watched her chest rising and falling beneath me. This was lust like I had never known before. I wanted to devour her. I met her eyes so I could let her know what she was going to get, and she thrust herself upwards towards my eager mouth, just as hungry as I was for satisfaction. I opened wide and took as much of her as I could, sucking hard and hearing a little cry escape her mouth as I surrounded her. I began to pull at her nipple with my teeth and then flick my tongue quickly across it, every little move I made driving Effy into a deeper frenzy. One of her hands came up to reach for my breast and closed around the material of my slip. No, that wasn't right. I needed to feel her skin on skin.

Despite her groans of protest, I stopped what I was doing and knelt back up, her hands still reaching into the gap where I had been. I soon silenced her as I began to peel my garment off over my head, and threw it off to one side. I stayed kneeling where I was as our eyes drank in each other's naked bodies. Effy reached up and snaked her five fingers down between my breasts, across my stomach, digging her nails in as she reached my thigh. All signs of vulnerable Effy from the night before were gone as she, casually threw both her arms above her head, and spread her legs out for me. She didn't even need to say it, I knew what she wanted from me. The Dark Angel rose from within me, all thoughts of our sweet and loving friendship momentarily banished, as I sank down to give it to her. In one smooth move I pushed my breasts against hers, I kissed her hard, and pushed two fingers into her hot soaking pussy. It was electrifying. Feeling her need for me in every push of her hips against me took me to somewhere primal. My teeth clamped down on the muscles of her neck, as I thrust myself in and out of her. The wonderful sound of her ragged breathing, and the gorgeous little noises that escaped her throat were like rocket fuel to my desire. I needed to make this beautiful woman come. I needed to make her cling to me the way she clung to me the night I rescued her from the Bone King.

"Fucking hell, Effy, you're fucking gorgeous," I hissed at her.

The motion of her body beneath me made me want to fuck her harder and harder, but the more I pushed into her the more she seemed to want me. Her arms were flung out to her sides, her head was rolling and her body was a constant wave rushing up to meet me. In a life filled with daily risk, and a nightly brush with death by gravity, this, now with Effy was the purest exhilaration I had known, for hers was a gravity I would willingly abandon myself to. I could feel it rising within her, my treasure, my prize, the moment I would get to watch her come. When I thought that I could push no harder, I found more strength to drive her forwards. She was my strength, and I would give her everything she deserved. Her body told me it was nearly time, and so I dragged my ravenous lips away from her precious flesh and called her name. She looked up at me wild-eyed and wanting, so very fucking close to eruption.

"I love you," I told her, and fucked her through the bed.

Her whole body bucked savagely, and she threw her arms around my back, hanging onto me as we thrashed out the final throes.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," I kept repeating as I felt her close around me, and finally shudder to a halt. I stroked her hair as she took in huge gulps of recovery oxygen, and her eyes stared blindly into space. I found myself smirking as her come down took several minutes. I watched her eyes go wide as saucers as I wiped the residue of her juices off onto my own breast. I loved the fact that I was covered in her. In her scent, in her sweat, in her juices. I loved the fact that she just made me feel this fucking deliciously filthy. My hands kept travelling in constant motion across her skin. I wanted to bathe in her. She was fucking amazing.

"Did you mean it?" her quiet voice interrupted my obsession.

"What?" I said somewhat stunned.

"Did you mean it?" she repeated earnestly, fixing me with those blue eyes I knew I'd never be able to lie to.

"You know I fucking mean it," I laughed. "You know fucking everything."

Effy attacked me. Suddenly I was on my back and her lips, teeth, tongue and hands were fucking everywhere. I was bombarded with sensations I don't even have the words for, and my already drenched pussy became a deluge.

"Jesus Fuck," I hissed as she stuck her tongue into my belly button.

"Shitting hell," I cried as her teeth sank into my bicep.

"Fucking fuck," I shouted as she grabbed my hair and pulled my head back so she could suck hard upon my neck.

I couldn't yell anything as she owned me with the fiercest fucking kiss anyone had ever given me.

"Oh my cunting God," I screamed as she propelled herself inside me.

"I love your filthy mouth, Katie Fitch," she grinned, sliding herself impossibly deep into me.

"Motherfucker," I murmured, as I opened myself up to her long, slow penetrating thrusts.

"Suck my tits," I implored her. "Please suck my tits."

Dark Effy kept me waiting there, her mouth hovering just out of reach as she continued her excruciatingly gorgeous motions in my cunt. When I couldn't stand it any more and reached up to push her face against my aching breast, she nimbly drew back and pulled out of me completely.

"No, Fuck," I cried. "Please don't stop."

Effy looked me up and down, her predator's hunger written all over her face. I knew that any kind of grip I had on anything solid was about to be torn away from me. She drew a heart shape with her finger on my belly.

"What do you want, Katie?" she said huskily. "I'll give you whatever you want."

She already knew the answer, but I told her anyway.

"I want you to fuck me," I said.

"Finally fallen prey to my evil scheme, Mrs Fitch?" she smiled.

It was the endearment that broke me. I was completely hers.

"Oh Fuck, just fucking take me, Eff?" I begged. I was in fucking freefall.

And so she took me. Her mouth devoured my tits whilst her skilful fingers created beautiful havoc inside me. I gave in to her completely. I had never let anyone take such complete control of me, but then again I had never trusted anyone the way I trusted, Eff. I wanted her to own me, cause it felt so fucking good when she made me hers. None of my dirty little fantasies had even come close to the raw, brutal passion of the real thing. And yet despite the violence of our lust, I felt her in every thrust. Not just her body, but her, Effy. The woman who loved me. She had told me how much she loved me, and now she was showing me. Yes, it was aggressive and hard, but it was also stripped back, honest and fucking real. Pure love. Not the pretty in pink packaged and processed Valentine's day pretence of love, but the kind of love that causes revolutions. And it was mine. My filthy mouth was working overtime as Effy's incredible fucking pushed me towards an orgasm I knew would be more than spectacular. My heart was on fire because after all these years of searching for the wrong thing in all the wrong places, I had finally found the kind of love I deserved where I had least expected it.

Orgasm came with a roar that would finally give my sister a run for her money in the noisy fucking event at the sex Olympics. I think I even properly lost my vision for about ten seconds, though I couldn't actually confirm that, seeing as how my brain was still whirling around in a daze for far longer than that. I was still struggling to regain my breath when I gradually became aware that all was not right with Effy.

Her eyes were unfocussed and she was shaking, and I could hear her muttering something under her breath.

"Eff, are you ok, Babes?" I asked her, but she didn't respond. I pulled her to me so I could look her in the eye, and try to hear what she was saying. She was taking deep breaths and seemed like she was desperately trying to keep herself together. My heart leapt when I heard the words she kept repeating like a mantra.

"Be Katie, be Katie, be Katie, be Katie."

My adrenalin surged as I went into panic mode. Effy was clearly on the edge, but what the hell did she mean? Was she seeing something else instead of me? Or did she need something from me? I was fucking scared, and I kept thinking about how she lost herself last time she was in love, but I forced myself to breathe. I needed to use my head. Effy was working so hard, it was my fucking duty to be strong for her, to be real for her. But what did she need? If I cocked this up the consequences could be terrible. My brain raced with all the things she had told me, dopamine, overstimulation, neurotransmitters. Jesus, it was all spaghetti to me. Why the fuck did I have to have a brain filled with shoes and handbags and celebrity style disasters, when she needed to me to be clever? But then suddenly something clicked. Dozens of really clever people had tried to help her out and failed. I remembered what Anthea had said last night. I was the one who had brought her back from the darkness. Me, Katie Fitch, just the way I am. I didn't have to try to be anyone else for Effy. It was me that she loved, in all my bitchy obnoxious foul-mouthed glory.

"Well I don't know who the fuck else you think you're in bed with," I said. "You might have had a dozen other girls, hun, but there's only one Katie Fucking Fitch. You should be fucking grateful, yeah?"

Her eyes snapped to attention, and the ceaseless muttering stopped.

"Though if you're gonna go all mental every time we shag, I might just have to kick you out of bed. And then you'd never get your hands on these puppies again," I said, shoving my assets in her face.

Effy blinked in surprise at the assault, but then an old familiar smirk began to creep across her face.

"Which would be a fucking tragedy for any human being," I continued.

Much to my relief, she burst out laughing. Oh yeah, nothing can foil the power of the mighty Fitch breasts.

"I fucking love you, Katie Fitch," she said, kissing me deeply.

"I fucking love you, Effy Stonem," I replied once she had let me up for air.

She gazed down at me as if she couldn't quite believe me.

"I know it's hard to believe, but yeah, I am real," I smiled at her. "You just got lucky."

"I know," she replied.

"Are you back?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I'm back," she said, sliding off me onto her side.

We lay there facing each other holding hands. Drinking each other in until a knowing smile began to cross her face. Unlike her, I couldn't read her every thought, but I knew something was going on.

"What?" I challenged her.

"You said 'every time we shag'," she said with satisfaction. "That implies there's going to be more times."

"There fucking better be," I told her. "It was fucking amazing. No-one's ever made me feel like that before. I mean I've had good sex and that, but you…You fucking moved me. Shoulda been me having a funny turn after what you did to me, I tell ya."

"I'm sorry about that," she said. "It was…it was all just too beautiful. The emotion, it was overwhelming. I don't usually let myself feel that much. I don't quite know how to cope with it."

"Well, you're just gonna have to get used to it, Babes, cause I'm not letting you go. Especially after a phenomenal shag like that."

She smiled at me coyly, but I could detect a hint of satisfaction in there as well.

"Well, you were pretty phenomenal yourself," she admitted. "And last night, oh my God."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. Are you sure you haven't been practising on other girls behind my back?"

"It must be natural talent," I shrugged, feeling pretty fucking pleased with myself. "I am a Fitch after all."

And there it was again, that unreadable fucking smirk, that let me know the evil cogs were whirring in her brain, but left me in the dark as to why."

"What?" I demanded. I suppose I was going to have to get used to it, but it could be pretty infuriating.

"You went to Emily for sex tips," laughed Effy, as I felt a blush explode onto my face.

"It's not fair," I complained childishly. "Why do you always know fucking everything? It's going to be maddening being in a relationship with you. I'll never be able to keep anything from you."

Effy's eyes were locked onto me. I swear they were fucking glowing.

"You want to be in a relationship with me?" she asked softly.

"I think I already am, don't you?" I replied. "Let's face it, we've pretty much been a couple for a long time now. We just weren't shagging."

"Well, I'm glad we've managed to sort out that little omission," she said. "Remind me to thank Emily when I see her."

"You know I'm going to have to make you pay for that," I threatened her.

"Oh God, I hope so," she murmured, her eyes flickering shut and a tiny spasm running through her body. The sight of it made me hold my breath. Once again, I was taken over by the urge to touch her all over, but there was still something on my mind.

"Effy, do you want to tell people?" I asked her.

"Do you?" she answered with a question.

"Not yet," I admitted. "I mean, I will if you want to. It's not that I'm ashamed of you or anything. You're fucking wonderful. I just want to keep it to ourselves, until I get used to the idea. I don't want to be anyone else's gossip, having them think they know what we're about, when no one could even fucking guess how deep this goes."

"I won't say a thing," said Effy, bringing my hand up to her lips. "It's what I'm best at."

"You know I love you, yeah?" I said seeking to reassure her.

Effy held her silence. I was starting to worry that I'd offended her, until I noticed her arsonist's glint begin to shine in those fine eyes.

"Why don't you show me?" she said.

Was I gay now? Or bi, or whatever? I neither knew nor cared. But was I gay for Effy Stonem? Hell yeah.

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**Happy New Year xx**


	27. 27 Festival

**A/N It's late, so I'm not going to bang on. Just three things.**

**1. Thank you once again for all the lovely things you say.**

**2. I pity the fool who is not reading Endgame by HacknSlashUK. Anthea is a superspy and I think I am in love.**

**3. Warning. All activities relating to work, school, grannies, heavy, machinery, minors, the interstate etc, should be rigourously avoided during the consumption of this chapter.**

**I don't own Skins but I would take it to a three day festival of love.**

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27. Festival.

Effy

Katie Fitch is my lover. Katie Fitch is my lover and that makes me ecstatic beyond belief. One of the many wonderful things about Katie is that once she sets her mind to something, a fleet of tanks could not deflect her from her path. When she decided to become my guardian angel, she punched a man twice her size in the balls to warn him off me. When she decided to become my friend, she took me dancing and helped me to feel like a real girl again. When she decided to let me move in with her, she went all fifties housewife to feed and look after me. When she decided to love me, she put my best interests ahead of what she wanted for herself. But when she decided to become my lover, Jesus Fucking H Christ. There's a reason why they call her Katie Fucking Fitch.

The day after the end of tour party, we staggered outside at about noon. I was convinced that Katie's desire to remain discrete was nothing but wishful thinking after the racket she had made, but it turns out that everyone had either been off-site, or too off their heads to wonder what had been going on in the caravan of love. There were a lot of fuzzy heads around site that day, way too concerned about the progress of their own hangovers to burst into our little bubble. I did get a pang of envy as I saw Naomi and Emily wandering back across the cliff tops an hour later, giggling and holding hands, their love radiating off them in waves you could almost physically feel as they bounced off your skin. They had clearly been up all night, wandering around in some scented cloud of romance, and they didn't give a damn who knew about it.

"Do you want us to take out an advert, so a few million more people can know that you've been fucking on the beach again?" said Katie caustically.

Suddenly I saw it so clearly, how Katie's belligerent attitude was the shield behind which she hid her fear. How she would attack before anyone had the chance to find out she was just as scared as they were. I wanted to fling my arms around her and comfort her. Tell her that we had nothing to be afraid of. That love was going to treat us just as kindly as it had the twin suns. But what the fuck did I know? I had been afraid of it for most of my life.

But that's what Katie did for me. She was not only a warrior herself, but she had turned me into one. I wanted to seize the day, get a life, reach into the future and many other most unEffy-like sentiments. She had turned my instincts from flight into fight, and I was going to stand my ground and come out swinging. I was going to make myself worthy, and I was going to make her fucking proud of me. But for now I was going to respect her wishes, and give her time before I got on my chariot and took on the whole fucking world with her at my side. Fortunately, Emily knew her sister only too well, and played along with a gentle retort.

"Actually we were going to go with a viral internet campaign. Bit more edgy, yeah?" she grinned.

"Whatever," huffed Katie, and left it at that, knowing that to push it would be to expose herself.

We were due to take the poles down and pack up the next day, but Cook excused me and Katie so we could get a ride back to London with Tony and Anthea that evening. It didn't take me long to pack up my stuff, but Katie of course had shit loads of crap.

"How the fuck am I supposed to fit everything in?" she moaned, looking at her piles of clothes and her luggage.

"It must have all fit in when you brought it," I offered.

"Babes," she said, looking at me as if I was a small and not too bright child. "That was six months ago. There have been one or two shopping trips since then."

It was true. It looked as if it would need one of her enormous suitcases just to deal with the shoes.

"Why don't you borrow some luggage off Emily?" I suggested. "She can just leave her stuff in Naomi's truck, and unload when they get to Gina's."

"What about when they go on holiday?"

"She won't need to pack much," I smirked. "I doubt she'll have much on for most of those two weeks."

"Yeah, it'll be like bikini, sundress, naked. Bikini, sundress, naked. Bikini, naked, naked, naked, naked," laughed Katie.

I closed my eyes and let delightful images run across my brain. Maybe I should suggest a holiday to Katie. I was startled out of my reverie by a slap across my arm.

"You better not be thinking about my sister doing bikini, sundress, naked, Mrs Filthy Smile," said Katie.

I shot her a look that made it quite clear exactly who I was thinking about doing bikini, sundress, naked.

"Oh," said Katie, reaching out to the table for support.

I fucking adored the fact that it was now ok for me to flirt with her openly. And even more adorable were the results.

"Come here," Katie commanded.

What Katie Fitch wants, Katie Fitch gets. She pulled me into an open mouthed kiss, and curled her hands around my ass.

"You are a very naughty girl, Effy Stonem," she teased me.

"I can't help it," I replied. "You are so fucking beautiful."

"Tell me more," she said, gently pushing me back against the wardrobe, and running her hands up and down my thighs. What, Katie? You want me to form coherent words and sentences whilst you are doing that to me? But it was Katie, and I knew how she loved to be flattered so I took a wild stab at it.

"You have the hottest body I've ever seen," I told her. "I only have to look at you and you drive me crazy with desire, well, crazier. Um…"

"Oh Effy, you fuckwit," said Katie affectionately. "Just fucking kiss me already."

That bit I could do. I put both hands up to her face and pulled her lips towards mine. She kept her hands around my hips and pushed her body in closer. The kiss was soft but searching, and although I almost immediately felt the throbbing between my legs, I just wanted her to keep kissing me the way she had the first time she made love to me. Katie obliged, not moving her hands but continuing to investigate me with her lips for several minutes, before slowly starting to slip her tongue into my mouth. This wasn't getting much packing done, but I was fucked if I was going to interrupt her.

"God, I could fucking kiss you forever," she whispered, and I swear if she hadn't been pushing me up against the door I would have ended up in a heap on the floor.

"Forever starts now," I managed to croak out in response.

Katie licked her lips as she looked at me, the brown in her eyes almost superceded by black.

"Wise words, oh mighty Oracle," she said softly, her lisp setting of thousands of tiny explosions in my blood. "Wise words indeed."

I had never in my life, not once, not even for the tiniest fraction of a second believed in such a thing as the one. One person out of all the billions of people in the world, who you were supposed to be with for the rest of your life in romantic bliss. Even if I had believed in it before, the vicious freakshow that was my parent's break up and divorce would have disavowed me of any such ridiculous notion. But I believed it right then. When Katie claimed my mouth and pushed her tongue deep inside me, I knew that no other living soul could ever make me want them so completely, mind, body, soul and heart. I flung my arms around her neck and abandoned myself to the sheer beauty of her kiss. But just as I felt myself starting to float and entire galaxies started spinning in my head, I was brought down to earth by a loud knocking at the door. Katie sprang away from me as if she'd been thrown across the room by a powerful electric shock.

Seconds later, Emily poked her head around the door.

"Hey," she said cheerily. "Thought you might need these."

She stepped into the caravan, pulling a suitcase and a couple of holdalls behind her.

"You know, for all the shoes," grinned Emily.

"You are the best sister ever," smiled Katie, as if the mere mention of shoes was enough to distract her from our recent snogathon. I was not so lucky. I remained rooted to the spot and the only thing I could think about was the way Katie's lips felt on mine.

"Yeah, and all the sexy underwear," added Emily.

Until she said that. Fuck. There was a loud bang as I unintentionally smacked my head back against the wardrobe door.

"What's up, Eff?" said Emily. "Are you guarding the wardrobe? Have you two been taking prisoners?"

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to open my lungs and just bellow. I'm in love with your sister. I'm in love with her and I want her so much, I don't even being to know how to live with it. And she took me, and she made love to me and fucked me, just like you told her to. And she fucking loved it, and I fucking loved it. And we're together. And I love her, and I want to be with her for the rest of my fucking life, cause every second I am with her makes me feel more beautiful than I've ever felt before. And every time she looks at me the effect on my heart is violent and seismic. And she fucked me this morning and the earth is still fucking trembling in its aftermath. And every atom in my body is singing, because Katie wants to touch me, and Katie wants to kiss me and Katie wants to put her hands inside me. And the way she looks at me when she makes me come is the single most outstandingly beautiful thing in all of creation.

But I don't. I say nothing, and throw Emily one of my cool and mysterious looks. And that's the way it's always been. That's all those looks have ever been. A way to hide the screaming. Until Katie came and tore down my façade, reached in and pulled me out of hell. And yeah, right now I'm still screaming, but instead of screaming in terror, I want to scream for joy.

"You know, I never thought when we first got here, I'd be sad to see the back of this thing," said Katie looking around the caravan.

I knew what she meant. This stupid beige tin box, was the very first place I had made a home.

"Right, well I'll leave you girls to…pack," said Emily, leaving her sister ample room to confess.

"Yeah, that must be at least ten whole minutes away from she who must be shagged," countered Katie, back on the attack.

To be fair, Emily's eyes did kind of glaze over at the thought of Naomi and shagging in the same sentence. I knew how she felt. Once we were alone, I threw one of my best come hither glances at Katie, but all I got for my efforts was a quick peck on the lips.

"Packing now, humungous amounts of kissing later," quipped Katie.

Thank fuck I smoke, I thought, and went outside and left her to it.

.

.

Thank fuck Tony has a big car, I thought later as we were trying to fit the four of us and Katie's excess baggage into it. The goodbyes were pretty much as you might expect. Katie and Emily being emotional, Cook being loud and crude, Panda being dizzily enthusiastic. Gina was just lovely, as if she could be anything else and JJ comforted himself with the probabilities that we would meet again very soon. When I saw Thomas's ever smiling face I rushed over and gave him a heartfelt hug. He and I had worked closely together all summer, and it was Thomas who had first invited me in, given me the opportunity to be a useful part of the team. He had given me a reason to stay with the circus, and without him I would never have found my angel. Once more I kept my silence instead of gushing forth about how I would never be able to thank him enough for that. As I held him and looked over his shoulder, I saw Katie pull a reluctant Freddie into an embrace. I tried to suppress a giggle as I saw how Katie still gave him the fear. In hindsight I understood more about the depth of her antagonism towards him. It hadn't just been about protecting me. It had been about protecting herself. They had been rivals for my love. I found myself quite glad he had never quite had the balls to take her on. She would have fucking torn him apart. But now she had so clearly won, she was prepared to be magnanimous. I guess the biggest change had to be in Naomi. When we arrived she had been all business, but now she was just a big fluffy love bunny, wanting to spread joy throughout the land and almost constantly high from the magic touch of one Ms. Emily Fitch. I wondered if when Katie and I finally came out, I would wander around with a grin as goofy as Naomi's. I didn't need JJ to work out that the probabilities were quite high.

It was a long drive back to London, where we dropped Anthea straight off at Heathrow to catch a flight to Poland for another project. They fucking loved my Mum in Eastern Europe, and she was always getting invited to work on crazy collaborations.

"Where do you want dropping off, Katie?" asked Tony as we were walking back to the car. "I'll take you there, before I take Effy back to mine."

"I don't want to go back to yours, Tony," I told him. "I want to go home."

"I have work in the morning," he protested. "And Mum doesn't want you to be alone on your first night away from the circus."

"She's not going to be alone," said Katie forcefully, before turning to look at me with the softest love filled eyes I could imagine telling me she would never abandon me. I couldn't help the beaming smile that forced its way across my face. There was no containing that much happiness.

"What you looking at, glare-o boy?" Katie hissed at Tony.

"He's a Stonem," I laughed. "You can't hide anything from him. It would be madness to try."

"Fine. I'm sleeping with your sister," huffed Katie. "And I love her, yeah? Big shiny gay rainbow love her. So…there."

"I knew it," smirked Tony. "Back to Anthea's then?"

"Fucking Stonems," muttered Katie, grabbing my hand and marching us out of the terminal to the sound of her heels clicking against the shiny floor. I followed her willingly, laughing about how the sound of heels had become music to my ears.

That was three days ago, and she hasn't been home yet. That night we made it as far as the sofa before Katie kicked off her shoes and opened her arms to welcome me in.

"Humungous amounts of kissing now," she declared, and who was I to argue?

I dropped down onto the sofa next to her, but almost immediately she had flipped herself up and over to straddle me. I tried to ignore just how high she had had to hitch her skirt to do that, and concentrate on the beautiful rich brown eyes that were riveted to my face.

"Are you ok, Babes?" she asked me.

"Of course, I'm ok," I answered. "I'm with you."

"And I'm with you," she said softly, leaning in to bless me with a delicate kiss. I opened my mouth to meet her, like I have done every time she has kissed me, as if I cannot help but invite her in. As if the very thought of her lips meeting mine makes my body beg me to surrender myself to her. But no one has ever kissed me quite like Katie. Her kisses are so generous, as if it's not even foreplay, not a precursor to sex but something more beautiful than that. Katie kisses me purely for the love of it, for the love of me. Out of all the people who have claimed to love me, no one else's kisses have seemed like such a gift. A gift without a price tag attached. Even my beautiful Joe, cause at the end of the day he was still a teenage boy, so his cock was in the driving seat most of the time. But Katie was there kissing me despite her natural inclinations. The fact that she had chosen to love me, made it seem all the more special. I had been chosen by an angel.

She kept me there beneath her on that sofa for at least twenty minutes, kissing me over and over again. She explored my mouth with hers in a hundred different delightful ways, but she never let her hands stray further than my face or hair. The weight of her thighs spread out over my own began to turn me on, and every time she shifted even slightly, pulses of sexual energy would radiate outwards, spiralling through my body to my fingertips. With each golden kiss I felt myself pulling her deeper and deeper in until I could stand the tension no longer. I wrapped one hand round the glorious curve of her ass, whilst the other one ran up her thigh and under her skirt.

"Oh fuck," said Katie, involuntarily thrusting her hips towards me, once again filling my body with an electrical surge of desire.

"Let's go to bed," I suggested huskily.

"Not yet," whispered Katie, resting her forehead against mine, her hands clasped around the back of my neck. "I'm making something for you."

I pushed her gently back so I could question her with my eyes.

"We're not in our cosy little circus bubble any more," she told me. "This is the start of you and me in the real world. It's going to be different out here. It's going to be tougher. We don't have the caravan of love. You don't have the tent. You don't have your safe spot on the seating. Sometimes I'm going to have to go away. So I'm making a new safe place for you. This, you and me just kissing on this sofa, I'm imprinting it. So you'll always have it, and if you get in trouble and I'm not here, you can always come here and remember that I love you, and you're not alone."

If there was still any part of me that held any doubt about throwing myself so willingly towards this love, it was vapourised in an instant in that moment. Was there a finer human being on this planet than Katie Fucking Fitch? I don't think so. I pulled her back into my magnificent new purpose built slice of heaven and drank in her open mouthed kisses over and over again. I let my mind wander around us, memorising every texture and sensation of our kissage. The taste of her, the feel of her breasts pushed against my body, the sound of her breath and the baby groans that made their bid for freedom from her throat. The exact weight of her body upon mine, every subtle nuance of the light, the scent of her perfume and the shade of her nail polish, and yes, just exactly how high she had had to hitch her skirt to spread herself across me. I was building myself a fortress, a fortress of Katie Fitch, a fortress built of love.

"You are the most amazing person on the planet," I told her unashamedly. I realised now why it was so easy for Emily and Naomi to tell each other they loved each other. They didn't have a choice.

"I'm not," laughed Katie. "But as long as I am to you, then I think we'll do ok."

"Thank you," I whispered, knowing she would know what I meant.

"You've grown so much stronger, Effy," she told me. "I just want to make sure that keeps happening. I just want to keep you safe."

"I'm always safe when I'm with you. And now I can always be with you."

Katie's loving smile lit up the whole fucking room.

"Now let me take your fucking clothes off," I said. "I need to see you in underwear."

.

.

For the next three days we barely left the house, barely even got dressed. We ordered in take away food and rifled through Anthea's extensive DVD collection, wandering round the house in our underwear. We knew there was a big wide world out there, and at some point we would have to face it. But for now we were more than happy to be the only two participants at the Festival of Effy and Katie. Katie discovered the Waitrose online shopping site, and the next day a crate full of fabulous wine and fancy foodstuffs arrived at our door. I drank a silent toast to Emily as I entertained her breathtakingly beautiful sister with a few of the tricks I'd picked up from the sex goddess that night on the roof. We took full advantage of the opportunity to reacquaint ourselves with the unfamiliar concept of a constant supply of freely available hot running water, fucking in the shower till we were very clean girls indeed. Which was kind of necessary as all sorts of other kinds of fucking would leave us covered in sweat and sex, and the occasional fruit or dairy product. For in the best of hippy traditions, the Festival of Effy and Katie was a festival of hedonism and free love, and we were both such willing sinners.

.

.

This morning the sun streamed in through window, making the purple in her hair shine dramatically as is splayed out across my unusually tanned skin. I had never been much of a sun seeker, but living outside for a summer had deepened my tones from their usual icy white to an attractive pale brown. Katie herself was still asleep, but her body was wrapped and tangled across mine as if she wanted to have as much of her surface in contact with me as was humanly possible. It hit me again, the gift that she had given me. Happiness, it was so unfamiliar, it still shocked me every time I woke up to its welcoming embrace. My mind flashed back to yet another round of spectacular bed shaking sex last night. Like I said, once Katie sets her mind to something… I wrapped my arms and legs around her, feeling that same need to have as much of myself touching her as possible. My actions caused Katie to stir, and I felt momentarily guilty until she clambered even further on top of me, and broke into the most dazzling smile a face could craft itself into. She broke the smile to plonk a smacker of a kiss on my lips and then drew back to smile once more. Her eyes were positively sparkling as she kissed and smiled again, even though she had just woken up. She just looked so fucking happy, so different from the broken girl who had first arrived at rehearsals. My heart almost burst with pride as I looked at her. I had done this. I had made her happy.

"Fuck, I love you," she said so easily, because she didn't have a choice. Time passed, the universe expanded, and it had propelled a hungry Katie Fitch into my bed. She slid her leg down between my thighs, and the pressure against my clit was most welcome. What wasn't so welcome was the pressure in another part of my body.

"Shit, I need the loo, hun," I said before she could draw me into a kiss I knew would consume me completely.

"Hurry back," she said breathlessly, rolling off me. "I need to be inside you."

I threw on a t-shirt and sprinted to the loo. With a promise like that I wasn't going to keep her waiting. I was just on my way back, when I heard the front door open.

"Effy honey, are you home?" a voice called out to me.

Anthea. Wasn't she supposed to be in fucking Poland? I made my way to the living room to find her smirking at the debris of mine and Katie's exploits.

"Somebody's been having a good time," she laughed at me.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Poland?" I said.

"Bloody building burnt down," she shrugged, shedding her jacket and lighting up a fag. "They had to cancel the whole bloody thing."

"Shit, are you alright?" I panicked. There was a time when I had hated my Mum, but ever since she had pulled me back from the brink, the thought of _her_ being in danger was shocking and unthinkable.

"I'm fine, sweetie," she said, pulling me into a hug. "We were across the other side of town getting shit-faced on vodka when it happened."

I smiled and hugged her back, hard.

"I fucking love you, Mum," I told her. And it was easy.

"Who are you, and what have you done with my daughter?" teased Anthea.

I jumped as the unmistakable voice of the other woman I loved rang out across the room.

"You better get your sweet ass back here, Effy Stonem. Somebody needs to fuck you through the bed."

She smouldered into the room, and I couldn't help my mouth from falling open as my eyes raked over her incredibly fit body in the deliciously sexy electric blue bra and knickers she was wearing. Mrs Filthy Smile was back. She had dressed up for me. Everything about her was radiating lust, until she noticed my mother in the room.

"Shit, fuck, Anthea, hi," she spluttered attempting to cover her modesty with one hand across her crotch and the other across her tits. I couldn't help but laugh. Since when did Katie Fitch try and cover her tits? Anthea was laughing too, but her eyes were filled with kindness.

"I'm glad it was you," she said to Katie.

"What?" said my still horrified lover.

"I always hoped that one day she would be able to find someone," replied Mum. "I'm so happy that she has, and I'm glad that it was you."

"I love her," blurted Katie, as if that would make what she had just threatened to do to me more acceptable to a loving parent.

"I know you do," said Anthea. "So I'm going to nip down the road and have a coffee and a read of the paper whilst you finish fucking my only daughter through the bed. Then call me when you're done and I'll take you both out to lunch."

With that she grabbed her jacket from the sofa, kissed Katie on the top of the head and swept majestically from the room. Katie stared after her in shock, before turning back to look at me helplessly.

"You look fucking incredible," I told her. "Not what you might usually define as a suitable outfit for meeting the parents, but incredible none the less."

"Big fucking piles of cunting bollocks," hissed Katie in embarrassment.

"I think it went well," I said wrapping her up in my arms. "I think she likes you."

I took her back upstairs and kissed away the shock. This time it was me kissing us back to safety. Only when I felt her come back to me did I allow myself to take full advantage of the view of the way her wonderful breasts pushed themselves out of her bra, offering themselves to me so hopefully. I drew my hands across them toying between the flesh and the lace, and then squeezing until she gasped and pushed herself up into my palm. I closed my eyes for a moment and just savoured the delicate textures in my hand, the change in my breath telling her a hundred stories about the way I felt. I opened my eyes again, and pushed both her tits together as my kisses trailed down towards my Holy Grail, the outstanding cleavage of Katie Fitch. I felt the motion of her hips beneath me as I kissed that precious piece of flesh, and instantly knew I needed to feel the wetness I was creating there. I watched my own hand as it trailed down the contours of her abs, and sneaked under the waist band of her pants.

"Oh sweet fucking Jesus, Katie," I gasped as my fingers slipped into the liquid heat between her thighs. I kissed her taut nipple through the fabric of her bra, and massaged her sweet clit underneath the matching fabric of her knickers. It was incredibly erotic to be violating these delicate guardians of her flesh, as if I was a master thief about to steal the most alluring prize, to taste the most forbidden of fruits.

"Effy," she breathed longingly, spreading her legs wider for me as I pushed harder at her clit.

Oh God, say my name again. Say my name again, baby, and I'll take you to the stars. I started moving faster, twirling my fingers in circles around her hardening nub.

"Oh fuck, Effy, God," she cried, curling one hand tighter in my hair as she threw the other one back above her head. I bit down harder on her nipple and pushed my fingers round to enter her, pulling her knickers down around my hand. I groaned as I felt the tightness of her pussy glide around me. I had once defined paradise as proximity to Katie's body, but how much more glittering a utopia I had discovered once she had let me find my way inside her. All because I had been brave enough to tell her that I loved her. Paradise waits for those brave enough to try.

The pair of us were in paradise now, moving together, breathing together, feeling together. The festival of Effy and Katie was a festival of pleasure, and I was fucking Katie till pleasure was the only thing that defined her. I felt more alive than ever, watching and sensing her every reaction every time I penetrated her, every time I pushed deeper inside her. This body was so familiar to me, and yet it was still so new being allowed to see it like this, thrown open in sexual abandon, thrown open for me. I sensed her wanting more of me so I moved harder and faster for her, using the weight of my body and the strength in my arm to increase the pressure inside her. I grew even more aroused as I felt her respond, moaning louder and driving herself towards orgasm.

"I love you," I told her, and she started to scream. The sight of her wanting me so much drove me over the edge, and I curled my fingers against her G-spot, pushing hard, with my head against her heart and listening to the beautiful sounds of her coming raining down around my ears. Katie's orgasms are wild and wonderful affairs. There's something primal and powerful about them that just destroys me every time. I pushed her for as long as she could take it, and she can take it like a champion. By the time we collapsed onto the bed we were both exhausted from the rush.

"Fucking hell, you're good at that," she said, dragging me back up her body so she could kiss the life out of me.

"I love you," I said, once she let me breathe again.

"I love you," I said, because it was easy.

"I love you," I said, because I didn't have a choice.

"I know," she said, flipping me onto my back. "I love you too. And now I'm going to fuck you through the bed in lingerie."

My mind started screaming as soon as she touched me. Oh Christ? Oh God? JFC? These were only minor deities, whose magnificence was not nearly enough to express what I was feeling. I worshipped a new goddess. A goddess whose resplendent brilliance lit up the whole fucking universe. KFF. KFF. Katie Fucking Fitch.


	28. 28 Separation Anxiety

**A/N Thanks again for all the fabulous reviews. A big hello to NiceOneBlondie, for finally boarding the Keffy train. And a shout out to Blue-Eyed-Blonde90, for writing such a fabulous multi-layered and fascinating Effy in Behind the Red Glass – go read it.**

**Oh yeah, and there might be a bit of (beautifully crafted and essential for the storyline) sex in this chapter.**

**I don't own Skins, but if I did I would throw it's satnav out of the window, are you listening season five? Love the teaser trailer though.**

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28. Separation Anxiety

Katie

Fucking pick up. Fucking pick up. Fucking pick up, I hiss into my phone as the ringing goes on and on. Eventually it clicks onto voicemail. Fucking bollocky wankshite.

"Yeah, this is Effy," her voice sounds in my ear before cutting to the tone. I have to laugh, even though I've heard it a hundred times before. No 'please leave a message' or 'thanks for calling, I'll get back to you'. Just 'Yeah, this is Effy' and then the digital sound of the beep. It doesn't give you much time to compose yourself, but I guess that's what she wants. She likes to keep people on edge. That way it's easier for her to dig the truth out of us. My truth is that I'm anxious, last night was the first night we have spent apart in what seems like forever, the first night she'll be on her own since she stopped taking the sleeping pills, and now she's not answering her phone.

"Yeah, Hi Babes, it's Katie. Just ringing to see how you are. Gotta go into rehearsal soon, so just gimme a text or whatever. Love you. Bye."

I tried to keep it light and lovely, like I was just calling for fun, not like I was worried she couldn't cope without me. If I was going to help Effy get better I couldn't just fucking smother her the whole time. But it was fucking hard. Four days I was at Anthea's before I even attempted to go back to my own flat. I don't think I would even have made it if I hadn't been offered a gig. My mate Ange had rung me up at the last minute for a corporate launch up in Newcastle.

"Tell me you're back in town Katie, tell me you're back in town," she begged me. "We've got this big show on, and Daniella's broken her arm. We're flying up there tomorrow morning and I need someone I can trust."

So I'd finally made it back home that afternoon so I could unpack and get my shit together for the gig. I had to artfully dodge my way round the excitable inquisition of my two flatmates, who wanted to know all about the summer and had I met any fit guys. I glossed over my own story and skilfully directed their attention towards Emily's summer of love, which was more than exciting enough to satisfy their gossiping needs. Eventually I told them I had to leave for Newcastle that night, but really it was just a ruse to go back and see Effy before I had to leave her for two days.

It had been pure torture, untangling myself from her at some god awful hour of the morning to leave for the airport.

"I'll be fine," she assured me between kisses that I didn't want to be that brief. "We're gonna have to get used to it."

And she was right, but it didn't stop me pacing up and down across my hotel floor, hoping she would call me back before I had to go and rehearse. My memory sent me flying back to the last time I was here, that shitty rainy week in the park. Except it wasn't really shitty at all, cause I'd spent most of it cosied up with Effy playing house. I shivered as I remembered the play fight we'd had, and thinking about the way she had surrendered herself to me sent tingles erupting from my cunt. And she had looked so fucking beautiful I couldn't help myself. I had let her see the hunger in my eyes, and from that moment I was lost. I had been so terrified at the time, terrified that that tiny slip would destroy us. Instead it proved to be the catalyst that set off the reactor. I felt a surge of energy filling every last corner of my body, and glowed from the warmth it produced in me. When I thought of where we were now, how far we had come since we had decided to fight the fear, it was almost too much for me. I stared with vicious hatred at my unresponsive phone. I couldn't go to work without knowing she was ok. Fuck it, I was calling Anthea.

"She's fine," said Anthea, as soon as she answered the phone to me. Dammit, were the whole fucking family precogs?

"Did she sleep ok?" I asked, not bothering with any small talk.

"I'm guessing she didn't do too well to start off with," replied Anthea. "I found her this morning curled up on the red sofa with Pato. She's still sleeping."

My heart contracted to the size of a baby's fist at her words. Effy had gone to the place I made for her. It was ridiculous how much I missed her just then. How much I wished I was curled up next to her, waiting for her to wake up. Waiting to tell her that I loved her. Fuck, what has that girl done to me?

"Yeah, well, tell her that I miss her and…I love her, yeah?" I mumbled down the phone, still embarrassed at the way Anthea had found out about me and Effy.

"I'm sure she knows," said Anthea. "But I'll tell her anyway. Enjoy your girlie wafting."

"A girl's got to earn a crust," I replied, knowing full well Anthea's opinion on the kind of stuff I would be doing that night.

.

.

.

Actually it wasn't so bad. We were at the launch of some new super whizzy computer so we had a whole Bond Girl vibe going on. Three of us descending from the roof in wet suit style costumes looking all kick ass down the silks, making like we were trying to steal the new product. But when we tried to take it, the lights went crazy and all sirens went off and stuff. Then some other girls dressed up in sexy cop outfits came and arrested us, and dragged us off in handcuffs. As corporate gigs go it was kinda fun. Even Emily would have loved it. Especially the bit with the handcuffs. The owner of the company came on and blarted on about how you'd always be safe with their product, but to be honest, most people were still looking at us and the cop chicks, and let's face it who can blame them, we were hot as fuck. Afterwards was cool too. They wanted us to hang around in costume and mingle with the guests, which meant we got full access to the free champagne. Having to talk to nerds was a small price to pay cause their bubbly was fine as fuck, and it wasn't too long before I was feeling suitably merry.

I was just in the process of swiping myself another glass when I bumped into one of the cop chicks.

"Hey," she said, smiling shyly at me. She had a cute blonde bob and a stunning body. "You're Emily's sister aren't you?"

"Yeah," I grinned.

She also had 'the look'. I had seen it dozens of times. I knew in an instant that Emily had fucked this girl, and even though it was supposed to be just for fun, the girls always had that sad little hopeful look that said they somehow wished it would lead to something more.

"How is she?" she tried to ask casually.

"Sorry to disappoint you honey, but she's in love," I replied.

"Oh," said the girl, visibly sagging, as though someone had deflated her. I attempted a sympathetic look whilst trying to stifle the giggles inside. The news that the tiger had been tamed was going to be disappointing a lot more ladies. Maybe they should all club together and form a support group.

"I hope she was worth it," I said.

"Oh she was worth it," grinned the blonde, her eyes flicking from sad to filthy in an instant. And almost as instantly they started to drift across my body. There wasn't a lot left to the imagination in my clingy costume, tastefully unzipped at the front to reveal just the right amount of cleavage.

"So are you guys staying over tonight?" she asked me, none too subtly.

It wasn't the first time I'd been hit on by one of Emily's bitches, but for the first time it didn't exactly make me cringe the way it used to. I imagined what Effy would do if she was witnessing this scene. She'd probably just smoulder on up to us looking impossibly hot, peel me away from the wannabe, and tell her, "You can't have her, because she's mine." And I would go to her willingly, because I was.

"We're getting a late flight back tonight," I told the eager girl.

"Well, maybe we could…"

"I'm with someone," I interrupted her. "And I love her, and I'm really missing her right now. So I'm just going to go and get my phone, so I can tell her."

"Wow," said the random. "She's a lucky girl."

"No, I'm the lucky one," I said.

When I got back to the dressing room, Ange was stashing bottles of champagne in her rigging bag.

"For the journey," she winked at me.

"One of the cop girls just hit on me," I said.

"Did she think you were Emily?" asked Ange.

"No, but I think she was going for the set."

"Your sister is the devil," laughed Ange.

"Not anymore," I replied. "She's all loved up these days.'

"With Naomi Campbell. Yeah I heard about that. Lesbians of Britain – start mourning now."

I was laughing so hard I could hardly find my phone in my handbag.

"They're a fucking cute couple though," I admitted.

"Naomi must be quite something in the sack, to keep Emily hooked like that."

"Believe me, I've heard the evidence," I said, rolling my eyes and sending both of us into another round of raucous laughter.

"Aha!" I said triumphantly, finally getting my hands on my phone.

As soon as I looked at the screen, a massive smile ripped across my face. I had another text from Effy. She had been sending me cute little messages all day, turning me into a giddy teenager every time I found a new one. I slid my finger across my screen to open the message, and all the air seemed to suddenly vanish from the room leaving me gasping for breath. The text itself was the words that had become almost a ritual to me – 'Only you and me, Babe' – but this time they were accompanied by a picture. Effy staring provocatively at the camera, wearing only her leather jacket, her biker boots and a pair of my sexy black knickers.

"Bloody hell," I said out loud.

Ange and me go way back. We've done loads of work together and she's one of my oldest friends in circus. She knows only too well that the word fuck is just like a punctuation mark when it comes out of my mouth, and that when I'm really blown away I revert to the older swear word 'bloody'. Ems once told me it comes from the religious expression 'By Our Lady', and it was certainly a lady that had me swearing now.

"Ok, out with it," demanded Ange. "You've been giggling and swooning away at that phone all day. You've got gossip, Katie Fitch, and I wanna hear it."

"Just got a booty message," I admitted.

"Who is he?" asked Ange, swiping the phone from my hand. "Is he fit?"

"NO!" I yelled at her.

I tried to grab my phone back, but she was way too tall for me, holding it out of my reach. She held me off with her other hand, whilst she looked up at the picture she was holding aloft.

"Woah," she said in shock. "Who the fuck is that?"

I stopped struggling. The damage was done. Ange brought her arm down to examine the picture more closely.

"Jesus Christ, she's hot," said Ange. "Is this who you've been mooning over all day? Are you taking a walk on the wild side, Katie Fitch?"

Ok, so this 'not coming out till I was ready' thing wasn't going to well.

"Yeah," I confessed. "Took the train to muff central."

"Jesus, even I'd go there for this chick," laughed Ange.

It was nice to hear her say it. She has the most gorgeous, adorable boyfriend in the world who is madly in love with her, but I guess it was her way of letting me know she accepted it. But that was just Ange. She was the total opposite of me in full bitch mode. She never had a bad word to say about anyone. She smiled and chucked my phone at me.

"Go and phone her, for fuck's sake," she said.

.

.

I stood outside the venue, smoking a fag I'd bummed off one of the clients, my jacket clutched around me to try to fend off the wind that was whipping round the corner of the building. Jesus, it was still only September, but this far north you could feel the first indications of the coming winter. But all of that was forgotten the second the ringtone clicked off and it didn't go to voicemail.

"Hey gorgeous," Effy's beautiful voice came slinking over the network. "How did it go?"

"It was cool," I answered. "I've had a shit load of champagne."

"Getting paid to drink free bubbly. Sounds like my kind of gig."

"God I wish you were here," I blurted out. "I fucking miss you like crazy."

"I miss you too," she replied. "Mum and Pato are cool, but they're no substitute for my angel."

"I could come home tonight," I offered. "It would be late, but…"

I caught myself as I realised my mistake. I had referred to Anthea's as home, even though I had my own flat. But in my head, home had become wherever Effy was. I caught the hesitation in her breath. God, even down the fucking phone her breath was like a language to me.

"I really want to see you," she admitted. "But we should stick to the plan, don't you think? I really need to try this."

The Plan. The fucking plan was that I didn't rush straight back into her arms. The fucking plan was that I went back to my own flat, that we stayed apart another night so that Effy could learn to cope without the sleeping pills and without me. It was a great plan, but it fucking sucked. I had expected her to be the one caving in, not me. Shit, now I had to be strong for her. Again.

"Yeah, sure thing, Babes," I said as casually as I could manage. "Just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm managing to keep myself entertained," she answered.

"Yeah, I'm liking the new photoshoot," I grinned.

"Got a few more of those to show you when you get back," she laughed lasciviously at me, sending an all too familiar sensation fizzing into my pants.

"Shit," I whispered involuntarily, but of course she heard me.

"Are you wet, Babes?" she growled down the phone at me.

Fuck, the last thing I needed was a visit from Dark Effy when I was several hundred miles away from being able to rip her clothes off. Fortunately, the girls came scuttling out of the venue to save the day.

"Gotta go now, Eff. The others are here, and we're off to catch our flight."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yes," I admitted.

"I'll be thinking of you," she said, in a filthy voice that left me in no doubt as to what bit of me she'd be thinking about, and hung up. Fucking hell, that girl could play me like a fucking violin. Thing is, she made me feel like a Stradivarius. Priceless.

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I was woken from a deep sleep by the sound of ringing followed by thumping. My eyes struggled to open, and I was confused by the fact that it was still fucking dark. I forced myself to focus on the luminous display on the clock beside my bed. Fucking shit, it was four in the morning. I'd only been asleep for about an hour. I heard the ringing sound again and realised someone was at the door. What the fuck? There was another round of thumping, and my brain wised up to the fact that whoever it was wasn't going to go away. I dragged myself out of my hard won bed and stumbled into the living room. My flatmates Tanya and Sarah had both responded to the disturbance looking only slightly less confused and dishevelled than I was. Tanya reached the door first.

"Katie? Is Katie here?" came a voice, as soon as she managed to open it.

The sound woke me up faster than a bucket of cold water and a slap in the face. Effy. Effy in trouble.

"I'm here, Babes," I shouted, rushing towards the door, but Effy was past Tanya and in my arms in seconds.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she mumbled as she clung to me.

"It's ok, it's ok babe," I comforted her.

"I tried, I really fucking tried, but I couldn't do it."

I pulled away to try to get a handle on where she was at. She looked like microwaved shit.

"Anyone else in there, babe?" I asked her.

"No, but you weren't there, and I needed you. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough."

Her eyes looked at me with such desperation, I didn't even think about what I did next. I kissed her, I kissed her hard and passionate.

"It's ok, it's ok," I told her between seizing her lips with mine again. Effy kissed me back, and for that moment I was lost in her, forgetting there was anyone else in the room, forgetting there was anyone else in the world. It felt like coming home.

"I'm sorry," she apologised again, dragging our lips apart. "I tried to be strong for you, but I failed.'

"But that's ok," I replied. "Even the fact that you're trying means you're so much stronger than before. You don't have to do it all at once, you know."

"Why do you put up with me?" she asked.

"Because I love you," I replied. It was the simple truth.

Effy collapsed into my arms, and seemed to relax. As I stroked her hair and listened to her breathing calming down, I suddenly became aware of the two sets of eyes currently boring holes into my back. Fuck it, I wasn't going to hide the truth from anyone any more. Effy needed me to be brave for her, and that was what I was going to be. I disentangled myself from her and turned towards my flatmates, making sure I kept one arm firmly around her waist.

"Tanya, Sarah," I said. "This is Effy….my girlfriend."

A sense of shock rebounded around the room. My flatmates from the fact that I had a girlfriend, and Effy from the fact that I'd admitted it.

"And she's kind of upset, so I'm just gonna take her to bed," I continued forcefully.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," said Effy.

"Nah, it's cool," replied Tanya.

"Yeah, whatever," added Sarah.

I knew I would face an interrogation in the morning, but for now they seemed prepared to let it slide.

"Come on, Eff," I said, taking her by the hand and leading her towards my bedroom.

As soon as we were through the door, Effy turned back towards me and started apologising again.

"Stop it," I said, leaning back against the door and pulling her towards me. "It's ok to fail sometimes. None of us are fucking perfect."

"But how am I ever supposed to get off this shit if I can't even manage one night without you?" she said, her eyes brimming with tears.

"First off, it wasn't one night, it was two. So you did brilliantly, ok? And secondly do you know how fucking hard it was for me to stick to the plan? How hard it was when we got off the train at Liverpool St, not to tell the taxi guy to bring me straight back to you? I didn't want you to be alone."

"I don't want to be some clingy fucking millstone round your neck. I don't want you to not have a life cause of your stupid fucking psychotic girlfriend."

"Don't you get it, Babes? I fucking need you too," I said, kissing her softly on the lips.

"I'm so sor…."

I cut off the apology, tangling my hands in her wild brown hair, and kissing her again more passionately.

"I'm not sorry," I said breathily. "I'm not sorry you're here. I want you to be here."

I kissed her again, and this time she responded more actively, pushing me back against the door and forcing my mouth a little wider with her tongue. Repressed desire exploded throughout my body, and I shuddered under her touch. I gently pulled her head back and rested our foreheads together.

"I need you Effy, do you understand?" I said, staring intensely into her unearthly blue eyes that were illuminated only by the bright moonlight that flooded into the room through my skylight. "I need you."

She stared at me for a few seconds before initiating a kiss that had me reeling. The sweet taste of her tongue inside me drowned out any other thought but the way it felt as she pressed me back into the door with the full length of her body. The kiss was wreaking havoc in my brain, releasing more stimulating chemicals than an explosion in a mad professor's laboratory, but she made it last several minutes, the end of which saw a mighty river flowing between my thighs.

"Fuck, Eff," I exclaimed as she transferred her affections to my neck and collarbone, leaving me helpless to do anything other than to beg for her to touch me more. "I fucking need you, Babe."

She pulled back and looked me in the eye as she slid her hand underneath my silky fabric of my slip, and pushed herself inside me. It was a struggle to hold her gaze. The feelings running through me as she entered me shook me to my core, but I wanted her to know. I wanted her to see what she did to me, and how much it fucking mattered. A delicate smile graced her lips for the first time that night as she moved in and out of me, each slow movement torturing my nerve endings with an overload of sensation. Her other hand came drifting up to graze my breast, and I felt another overwhelming surge of pleasure even at that lightest of contacts. I belonged to Effy now. She could have been a ninja assassin sent to kill me by fucking me to death and I would willingly have let her take me.

It was in that moment that I realised that this was not just a 'walk on the wild side'. It wasn't a fucking phase I was going through, and I wasn't just doing it because I loved her and was afraid of losing her if I didn't let her fuck me. This passion for her was for real. I had never wanted anyone they way I wanted Effy. I had never needed anyone as much as I needed her right now. I was moaning into her neck as she continued to push long and deep into my hungry body, but my God was Effy queen of the long slow fuck. I was in a place of complete surrender, torn between crying out for release and wanting her to fuck me like this for the rest of the night. Her free hand grasped one of mine and pushed back up over my head, each perfect thrust of her hips towards me driving me ever closer to some kind of heaven. She was kissing the exposed flesh at the top of my breasts, as she let our fingers intertwine and slipped another finger inside my cunt at the same slow tantalising pace. Even my generous supply of expletives failed, and I cried out inarticulately as sensation after sensation ripped through me. It felt like she was taking me apart cell by cell, and she was going to have to rebuild me in the morning.

Slowly, it felt it coming, the pressure that was going to build until I imploded with pleasure. I even felt a little scared. Was I even going to survive this impeding orgasm, or was my brain just going to destroy itself in one final orgy of bliss? Still, Effy fucked me slowly even as I repeated her name like a litany between great desperate gasps for more oxygen. And then the rush, seizing every part of me and sending us spinning through space. Cause Effy was there with me as I came, we were totally connected. I felt her with me in every physical sensation and every emotional rush. So this is what it felt like to be loved. Honestly and completely loved with all the barriers down. No wonder I fucking needed it. All of fucking life existed in this moment.

We clung to each other once I had finally stopped screaming, with Effy still deep inside me, and for once in my life I was completely fucking speechless. It didn't matter though, Effy didn't need words to understand what I was going through. She would just know, cause Effy always knows.

.

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.

I woke up still wrapped in a fluffy warm blanket of satisfaction. This was the way it should be, my arm locked around her waist and my face pressed into the soft flesh of her back, drinking in the most beautiful scent of her. I knew now that I was in love, properly in love for the first time in my life, and I wanted to hold onto it forever.

My stomach, however was not sharing my sense of satisfaction, and a loud grumble from within it prompted me to peel myself away from my sleeping beauty. I was ravenous, it felt like I hadn't eaten for a week, so I threw on some clothes and headed to the kitchen to make us breakfast. The smell of coffee reached me before I was through the door, and I knew that I was going to have to face my flatmates. So what? Effy was mine, and I should be dancing in the streets with glee. I should be roaring from the rooftops that I was the luckiest woman alive. If anyone was going to give me a hard time about it they were just a fucking loser.

"So…" said Tanya, raising her eyebrows at me. "Girlfriend?"

She was looking intrigued and amused, whereas Sarah was just looking at me weirdly.

"Yeah, girlfriend," I beamed at them, marching up to the fridge and extracting ingredients for a massive breakfast. I wasn't going to make it easy for them.

"And…?" encouraged Tanya.

"And what?" I shrugged.

"And you're fucking straight, for starters," said Sarah.

"Apparently not as straight as I thought," I smirked, cracking eggs into a bowl for scrambling.

"So what, you're Like Emily now?" said Sarah petulantly.

"I'll never be like Emily," I laughed, knowing that Sarah was not exactly the biggest fan of Emily and her shenanigans. Personally I put it down to the fact that despite her own straightness, her ego had been offended cause Ems didn't find her attractive.

"Then why the fuck are you sleeping with a girl?"

"Because I fell in love with her," I answered honestly.

"Who is she?" asked Tanya excitedly. Even though she was just as big of a maneater as I used to be, she was the far less judgmental of the two.

"Her name's Effy," I said.

"What kind of a fucked up name is that?" scoffed Sarah.

I stared at her like she had suddenly grown a second head. To me they were the two most beautiful syllables the human voice was capable of producing.

"Stop being a twat, Sarah," said Tanya. "I wanna hear the story."

"She's our director's daughter," I replied. "She came to the first week of rehearsals, but then she ended up coming on tour with us to do our visuals. She's an amazing photographer. Well, she's just an amazing woman actually."

"Jesus Christ," laughed Tanya. "You're practically fucking swooning."

"OK, so she's talented," huffed Sarah, clearly having some kind of problem with this. "But it still doesn't explain why you ended up it bed with her. It doesn't make any sense."

"Oh it does," said Tanya, looking over my shoulder in wonder. "It really fucking does."

I turned to see Effy leaning seductively in the doorway, all scrubbed up and looking fucking fabulous in the way that only she can. Her leather hanging casually off her slender frame, hair exquisitely tousled and her unfathomably deep blue eyes framed perfectly in smoky make up, smirking cause she knew that everyone was talking about her. This was the girl that every fucker wanted, but the only fucker lucky enough to have her was me.

"I was going to make us breakfast in bed," I said, as the toast popped up to distract me from my blatant perving.

"Sweet," she said delightfully. "I was just gonna pop out for a smoke."

"Ok," I said, still mesmerised by her presence.

I stood there paralysed, tin of beans and opener in hand, as she sauntered up to me and kissed me on the mouth. In an instant I was back in the place she had brought me to last night and I felt myself just melting into her fierce heat. I actually felt my knees start to go, but she had slipped an arm around my back to stop me from falling. Falling off the edge of the world. She kissed me again, and made sure she left me perched on the edge of the table, before she broke away.

"See you in a bit, babe," she said, her voice full of promise, before she got her ninja on and silently disappeared from sight.

"That is one foxy lady," said Tanya, nodding her head respectfully. "She totally owned you just then."

"How does that even happen?" said Sarah, still painfully confused by the whole thing.

"I stopped following the instructions," I said.

I looked up to see both of my flatmates staring back at me expectantly. So I told them a story.

Me and Ems were driving back from a gig one time. It was a party at some big old country house in the middle of where the fuck ever. We were arguing about something, I can't even remember what now, but I made her so mad she chucked my fucking satnav out of the window. I screamed at her for several minutes, but she just yelled back in my face about how fucking mainstream I was and I couldn't make a decision on my own without it being backed up by popular opinion.

"How the fuck are you ever going to know where you are if all you do is follow the instructions?" she said.

"How the fuck are we going to get home if we don't know where we're going?" I countered.

Ems just smiled back at me.

"I guess we're going to have to make it up," she said.

It turned out to be one of the best days of my life. Emily started making up crazy random decisions to determine our path, like 'take the third road on the left' and 'head towards the next town we say with an 'n' in the name'. We just drove without worrying whether it was the right direction or not, and saw the most beautiful things we would never have discovered had we been focussed on the end result. We ate lunch in a gorgeous pub on the banks of a river. We got out and ran round a forest for half an hour. We came over the crest of a hill and saw the most breathtaking view of the sun scattering thousands of tiny diamonds across a lake. We took the time to remember just how beautiful this country could be if we let ourselves appreciate it. When I eventually saw a sign pointing back to the motorway, I hesitated, felt the heavy thud of disappointment falling in my stomach, then turned and drove in the opposite direction. Somehow we ended up at some big river estuary leading out towards the sea. We booked ourselves into a BandB, bought chips and a massive bottle of cider, and sat down on a bench to watch the sunset. That night I was the centre of attention in the local pub as all the local boys competed for my favour, it was absolute fucking perfection. I worried for a moment that we were all going to get chucked out when a solitary policewoman wandered in around midnight, but she merely took off her jacket and ordered herself a pint, her eyes lighting up like a Christmas lights switch on as soon as she clocked Emily. I knew from the sizzling looks passing between them that I was going to get the room to myself that night, so I picked out the cream of the lads and we had ourselves our own little party after hours. Ems rocked up at breakfast with a filthy grin and a pair of handcuffs, and we laughed together at our good fortune, before heading on our way.

"Effy threw away my satnav," I told my audience. "I would never have found her if I'd just listened to the instructions. But now that I have found her, I know exactly where I am."

I've come home.

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**No show till tomorrow so more booze, more pavlova and a hell of a lot of reading to catch up on. A bientot, Hypes xx**


	29. 29 Love Is The Drug

**A/N Well I was supposed to be out partying this weekend, but I caught a hideous virus last week and still had to do shows, which meant I had to be sensible and do resting on my days off. Bad for me, good for you as I stayed in bed doing typing. EsDiferente and Vangoghgurrl there's a sneaky little in joke in here for you if you can find it. This chapter goes out to rushing-air in respect for her stealthiness, and HacknSlashUK for being cheeky.**

**Also a big shout out to the new kiwi massive Ess5iveOoh and kiwi99 whose stories Take Me Away and That Was Eventful are making me smile.**

**Ooh, and there's no shagging in this one so call your granny over for a cup of tea.**

**I don't own Skins, but it has been known to stimulate my pleasure centres.**

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29. Love Is The Drug

Effy

Drugs. It's always about the drugs. Most of my life has been driven by drugs. Since I was ten years old and took my first drag of nicotine, it has always been about the drugs. At first it was about trying to get hold of them, because they took away the edge, the constant fear of falling. Instead, for the all too brief moments they held me under my control, it felt more like flying than falling. And that was good. But then I found I needed more and more just to carry on functioning. All the moths that fluttered round my flame just begging for their chance to get burned thought it was because I was wild and carefree and out there. Only I knew that without the drugs I was nothing but a screaming terrified wretch who was frightened of the things in her own head. That's when I developed my obsession with knowing people, because I was too scared to know myself and if I looked outward for long enough I could forget about me for a while. What I know now to be just an unfortunate birthright of sketchy brain chemistry seemed then to be an evil lurking underneath my very skin. If I had known then what I know now, things might have been very different, but how could I have known? Despite my adult attitude and experience, I was still only a child. My Dad had left, my brother was still trying to piece himself back together again and my Mum was too deep in her own depression to understand the signs.

I watched my friends doing drugs, getting wasted and having fun and pretended to myself that I was just doing the same thing except I was a bit more hardcore. But then I met Joe, and together we hit our downward spiral. Whilst the rest of our mates suddenly wised up and started studying for their exams, saving their partying for the weekend, Joe and I just got constantly fucked up, skipping college and just riding our wave of sex and love and drugs, drugs, drugs. From the outside it must have been obvious to everyone we were headed for a fall, but we still thought we were the coolest and most in love people there had ever been in the world. Smoking and fucking, and snorting and fucking, and drinking and fucking. We even stopped going out, taking party drugs but never making it to the actual party, but oh the constant anaesthesia was fucking glorious. To be lost in this fog where the fear couldn't find me was the most wonderful feeling in the world. But if I had known then what I know now, I would have known that I was only making things worse. The devils that were lurking in my shadows were not being held at bay, they were merely gathering their forces and waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

And when they did, they ripped me apart. Ripped me from my lover, ripped me from my sanity and oh so nearly ripped me from my life. And I've been trying to find the pieces of me ever since.

After that it became about the drugs they made me take, as they tried to piece together this patchwork Effy from the scraps of me they could find. At first they didn't have much to go on, I had been so effectively shredded by my beasts. There was a second suicide attempt, after which they kept me so heavily dosed it was barely an existence. Certainly nothing even remotely approaching a life. I didn't see Joe again after that. His parents took him away, off to rehab and off to a brand new life, away from the crazy bitch that nearly ruined their son. My friends had drifted away, finding whole new sets of friends at universities across the country, and I just became the warning tale, the crazy vegetable who fried her brain with drugs, and who now wasn't allowed to live without them. In different circumstances, I might have stayed like that forever, permanently institutionalised and incapable of any kind of growth, just another mental health statistic.

But I got lucky. Because for all the self help, therapy, or hippy positive reinforcement bullshit telling you can will yourself into a better place, sometimes it's the brain itself that has to change. Thing is, it can happen. People who suffer head injuries can undergo complete personality changes. A person can see an x-ray of their lungs and stop smoking overnight, the transmitter in their brain that feeds that particular addiction is simply switched off. The mixing of chemistry between mother and child in the womb can have an effect on both parties. Shock and trauma alter the way a brain works after years of it running along smoothly. Sometimes the effects are negative, sometimes they are positive. Just when my brain started to fall apart, someone else's got the shock of its life. When Tony got ill, Anthea gave up. She didn't feel she had the power to fight this enormous thing that had happened to him. She felt small and useless, and a failure as a mother, so she started to anaesthetise herself just like I did to lose herself in the fog that hid the pain. When I got ill, when I nearly died twice, there must have been a full on electrical storm in her brain, because something changed. Switches got flipped and neural pathways were realigned because she transformed herself from a lemming into a lion.

And she fought for me. She challenged every decision that was made on my behalf, and if she wasn't satisfied by what one doctor said she would find another one to present an alternative case. She picked up on every detail, researched every new medicine or possible form of therapy, and pushed and pushed until she got me the treatments she thought that I deserved. In the early days before she re-established her career, she got my Dad to fork out for most of it, swallowing her pride and working through their animosity to get what was best for me. It took us a long time, several years in fact, before we finally found someone we could trust, who worked with us to find the right cocktails of drugs to keep the demons at bay whilst still leaving me with enough brain function to have a shot at some kind of life. We've been refining the mixture ever since, but it still all about the drugs. Even though I've been creeping back towards some strange functioning form of almost sanity, it's still all about the fucking drugs.

At least it was until she came along. The cynics say that romance is bullshit, and that love is nothing but brain chemistry. Whilst for the most part I would be inclined to agree with them, the chemistry I create with Katie is more like alchemy. It is definitely touched by magic. Before I met her I was so tired. All I could dream of was how to somehow find a moment's peace, a sanctuary, a place to rest. Then came the happy accident that was Circus Abandon, and it suddenly felt like this was possible. The sense of relief was overwhelming, and even though I was still pretty fucked up I experienced an unprecedented feeling of certainty that this was my place in the world. And that that would be enough.

But then the force of nature that is Katie Fitch crashed violently into my life, and my limited ambitions were ripped open in a heartbeat. My angel gave me peace, but then she gave me hope, and then she gave me faith. She taught me how to fly, and suddenly the world was not enough. Suddenly I wanted to be someone. Suddenly I wanted to conquer the fucking stars. But there was something I had to do first.

.

.

.

"This has to end," I said with determination.

"What has to end?" asked Katie, coming up behind me and nibbling my ear.

I was sitting on the edge of our bed at Anthea's with my little red suitcase of drugs perched on my knees. I was late for my first daily dosage, principally because she had been keeping my occupied with far more interesting ways of altering my brain chemistry all morning. I had been off the sleeping pills for two weeks now, and for the most part it had been fucking brilliant. I had actually forgotten how glorious it was to actually _wake up_ as opposed to dragging my befuddled consciousness from one state of sedation to the next. Especially when what I was waking up to was Katie's impossibly beautiful body draped over mine. That morning it occurred to me that I had never really known her just as me, without the buffer of my medication, and suddenly it made me furious.

"This," I yelled, flinging the suitcase across the room and watching its contents spilling out across the floorboards.

"I'm fucking sick of it," I continued, standing up and starting to kick random objects about the place. "I am fucking sick of being defined by this shit."

I overturned a chair, and attacked a few more of my possessions before spinning round to face Katie again, but the look on her face stopped me in my tracks. There was no look of surprise, no shred of fear or concern across her features. Instead, she was grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

"What?" I said aggressively, even though it felt unfair to take out my frustrations on her.

"You're angry," she beamed back at me.

"Yeah, I'm fucking angry," I raged back at her. "So?"

"It's fucking brilliant," she replied.

"It is?" I said, momentarily stunned by her reaction, but her eyes were on fire.

"It's energy, it's emotion, it's life, it's power," said Katie, excitedly. "Did you really expect me to be upset by this? Anger is fucking beautiful. It's the point where you stop running and say 'this is not fucking happening to me any more'. Anger is so much better than being scared. I remember when Ems got angry instead of being apologetic for her sexuality, she came alive. Effy, this isn't you fucking up, this is you becoming more powerful, this is you coming back to life."

"I just want to fucking kick shit," I told her.

"Then kick some shit," she grinned. "Own your anger. You know I can fucking take it, and also it's kinda hot."

I grabbed a pillow from the bed and started smacking it down relentlessly against the overturned chair, strange noises of release starting to gather in my throat, until I finally let them escape into the world.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" said Katie.

"Feels fucking awesome," I said breathlessly.

A look of evil anticipation sparked in her eyes.

"Let's have a fight," she said.

Before I had the chance to argue, she grabbed my hand and led us downstairs, past my Mum smoking and drinking coffee in the kitchen, and out into the garden. She let go of my hand and started dancing around me on her toes, her hands brought up towards her face in a guard.

"Bring it on, bitch," she grinned at me.

"Seriously?" I asked her.

"Why, you chicken?" she taunted me. "I promise not to be too hard on you."

"Fuck you," I said, launching myself at her.

We traded slaps and blocks, trying to get the better of one another. We weren't trying to really hurt each other, but we definitely weren't holding back. Well, maybe Katie was, cause she was a natural fighter and could easily kick my ass into next week if she wanted to, but she was not mollycoddling me either. She dodged one of my attempts at a jab and smacked me round the head.

"Ow, you fucker," I spat at her.

"So get me back," she goaded, dropping her guard and spreading her arms out wide.

I launched myself at her and managed to land a couple of lucky blows at her stomach before, she tossed me aside again. My adrenalin was pumping and I was really beginning to enjoy myself, despite the smarting sensations on my skin where Katie had managed to slap me. I ducked under a blow she was aiming for my head, and slipped past her, pushing her in the back and using her own energy to send her tumbling over. I dived straight on top of her and we spent the next few minutes wrestling on the ground, whilst still trying to smack each other. At one point I felt I was almost gaining an advantage, until Katie sneakily lifted up her top exposing her bra clad breasts. I swear my eyes only locked on for a second, but that second was enough to allow Katie to shift her weight and fling me across the garden.

"Cheat," I said accusingly.

"You use the weapons you got," she shrugged back at me, sending my mind spinning back to when Emily kissed me outside the barn in Cornwall. Fabulous fucking bastard Fitches. If those girls set their mind to it, I reckon they could rule the world. I roared up to the sky, before jumping into the fray once more, knocking Katie over with some crazy rugby tackle. We scrapped some more before I somehow managed to get my legs round Katie's waist, locking them together and squeezing hard. She resisted for a few moments, before slapping her hand on the ground three times to concede the match. I released her, and we lay on the ground side by side laughing and breathing heavily, the glorious natural high from our bodies' own drugs coursing through our veins. It was fucking beautiful.

"You let me win, didn't you?" I said, turning to face her with a smile on my face. "You could have gotten out of that."

"Ah, but you know how I love being trapped between your thighs, Babes," she smirked back at me.

"Good fight, Ladies?" came my mother's voice.

I looked up to see her carrying a tray out into the garden.

"Brought you a spot of breakfast," she said, setting the tray down beside me. It held nothing but two mugs, a cafetiere full of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. I sat cross-legged in my garden under an overcast London sky, and howled a full on Cook style laugh of unbridled joy.

"What do you fancy doing today?" I asked Katie, once we had consumed Anthea's gift.

"Well, I was thinking maybe some actual breakfast," she replied sarcastically. "You know, one with actual food in it? You'll never beat me in a fight if you don't eat."

"You want to go to the place by the canal?"

"Yeah, let's just get you your pills then we can head off."

"But," I pouted, my happy little balloon bursting with a bang. "I don't want to take them."

"I know," said Katie, kissing me softly. "But we have to do it right. You can't just stop taking them like that, it'll fuck your body up and it could undo all of your hard work. You have to go back to the doc, and work out how to do it without hurting you."

I knew she was right, but more importantly than that, when I looked back into the marvellous brown eyes that still held the fire of the fight, what I saw was absolute faith. Katie believed in me, she believed that I could do this. And that made me believe it too.

.

.

.

Which is why I was here, staring at the lilac door with a nameplate I'd stared at so many times before, waiting to see my shrink. But this time I was waiting to change my life. I had come from work, which was a strange enough thing in itself, but Katie had a mission to turn me into the go to photographer of choice for British circus. She had dragged me along to training, introducing me to everyone she knew, showing them the photos I had taken of Abandon over the summer, and throwing business cards around like they were confetti. Her persistence seemed to have paid off, and that morning I had been doing a shoot with a doubles trapeze duo. Their act was a lot tamer than the one I was used to, much more of a stereotypical big strong man and tiny bendy girl scenario, but they were paying me good money and I wanted them to look the best they could. At first they just wanted to pose in some fairly bog standard positions. Probably useful for publicity but fairly boring from an artistic point of view. I managed to persuade them to do their routine for me so I could catch them in action, knowing that I could capture more interesting stuff, having taken hundreds of photos of Emily and Naomi in the air. I smiled to myself as I checked back the shots on my LCD screen, showing them some of the better ones and watching their faces light up as they realised what I had caught.

"Fucking hell, Effy. You really are as good as Katie made out," said the guy in surprise.

I had to suppress a little giggle. I knew that Katie had been bigging me up to a ridiculous extent, and I was glad I was living up to the expectations she was creating for me. After that it was easy to get them to do the routine again, to try to find the kind of shots that I wanted to see. Shots that captured the intensity and effort and true beauty of what they did. When I showed some of them back, the woman was almost in tears with happiness, and enveloped me in an enthusiastic hug. That was nothing, I thought to myself. If she thought that was good, she'd be wanting to fuck me by the time she saw what I could do in post production. I left the studio on a high. I had finally found something I was really fucking good at. It was different from being at Abandon, they had already started to become my family by the time my pictures became part of what they do, and although I worked there all summer I wasn't in their original budget so they didn't have the money to pay me. I was still being supported by Anthea and Tony. But now complete strangers thought I was really fucking good at it, and were prepared to pay me handsomely to prove it. And I fucking loved it.

Which is why the Effy staring at Dr Karpenko's door was a completely different woman to the one standing here the last time I had seen her in the week after Glastonbury. That woman had still been terrified of life and of the things that were to come. I had basically come to my shrink to get more of the drugs that were keeping me afloat. This time I had come to get them out of my life. The door opened and the good doctor did well to conceal her surprise at the fact that I was standing waiting for her enthusiastically. Normally I would have been slouching round the waiting room looking like I'd rather be swimming naked in the arctic than have anything to do with her. It wasn't her fault. Julia Karpenko was a fucking good doctor, which is more than I can say for some of them I've come across. It's just that having a shrink never fails to remind you that you're a fucking useless psycho whose brain doesn't work properly. But not any more.

"Effy, how lovely to see you," she said gesturing me into her office.

I walked in, shunning the big comfortable armchair the patients usually sat in, going straight for her high backed executive's office chair instead. It was an arrangement we had come to early in our relationship, because she knew how much I liked to spin, and that I was far more likely to talk to her if she let me play in her chair. She was a tidy, but casual looking woman, exuding professional friendliness and concern, and by studying her every bit as much as she studied me in these sessions I had come to the conclusion that she actually liked me, which I guess is why I had stuck with her for the last few years.

"So Effy, it's been a while," she said calmly. "How are you?"

"I'm happy," I said, fixing her with a confident smile.

My smile stretched into genuine laughter as Julia lost her professional cool and dropped her notebook.

"Interesting," she said as she regained her composure, leaving the book where it lay resting on the floor. "That's the first time I've ever heard you use that word."

"It's the first time I've ever felt it," I admitted. "And I want to come off medication."

"What makes you think you'll be able to cope without it?" asked Julia.

"Found some new drugs," I smirked at her. "And they're way way better."

"Effy," said Julia, looking at me sternly. It was her 'firm but fair' look, and I knew it only too well. "We've worked very hard to find the right medications to help you cope. Why would you want to mess with that by taking drugs again?"

"That's my point," I countered. "All they do is help me cope. I want more than to be just coping. I want to live."

"Well, I'm very pleased that you have found this new thirst for life, and I must say you do look extremely well, but if you've been messing around with drugs I need to know what you've been taking."

"Not so much taking as manufacturing."

"Effy, cut the crap," insisted Julia. "I know you love playing with me, and I know how smart you are, but you have to be honest with me."

"It's quite a powerful cocktail," I admitted. "I guess it starts with oestrogen, followed by a heady mix of adrenalin, dopamine and norepinephine and a concurrent reduction in the levels of seratonin leading to borderline obsessional behaviours, and finally followed by a regular release of oxytonin and vasopressin to enhance bonding and therefore happiness."

Julia threw me a look of amused defeat that told me she knew she had been had.

"Ok smartass," she smiled at me. "I see you've been reading the research of Dr Fisher. And that you're in love."

"You got me," I smiled.

"Which is quite impressive considering the number of anti-psychotics you've been on for all this time. They can often inhibit a your ability to fall in love. This person must be quite something."

My head filled itself with visions of Katie. Katie on her silks, Katie fighting, Katie in her underwear, Katie making me laugh, Katie making me come, Katie and her fucking filthy mouth, Katie and her gorgeous fucking attitude.

"She is," I replied making full circles in the wheelie chair. "She is phenomenal."

"And I take it the feeling's mutual?"

"She's my girlfriend," I announced proudly. "And she loves me."

"You've not really been able to form relationships since we've known each other, have you Effy?" questioned Julia. It was her job after all. "So what has changed?"

"Katie," I answered plainly. "Katie changed everything. She's my anchor. Even before we were together she rescued me."

"How long have you been together?"

"Sexually only a few weeks, but she's been looking after me since the start of the tour. We were friends, and we tried to make it stay that way, cause I could see how good she was for me, but we couldn't help it, the attraction was too strong. We just had it you know?"

"Had what?" asked Julia cautiously.

"Chemistry," I winked at her, and she couldn't help but laugh in return.

"So you met her at the circus?"

"She's an aerialist. We shared a caravan together."

"And where is she now?"

"Well she has a flat in Stoke Newington, but we pretty much live at Anthea's most of the time."

"So your mother accepts the relationship?"

"Yeah, Anthea fucking loves her. She makes me happy, why wouldn't she?"

"Not all parents are so understanding," said Julia. "I'm just trying to establish the stability of this relationship before we can begin to discuss any changes to your medication. You know how dangerous it can be for you to have such high levels of dopamine in your system. If you are experiencing a sexual rush with this woman without a caring environment to bring you down again it could adversely affect your behaviour."

"She's not Joe," I insisted. "She doesn't put up with my shit, and she wants to be part of making me better. I feel more connected when I'm with Katie, not just to her, but to everything. I have a social group. I have friends. I've started working. I'm taking photographs professionally now. I stopped taking my sleeping pills three weeks ago, and I feel fucking great. I feel more and more focussed on this reality, and I know I can do this. I know I can be well again."

"You shouldn't have stopped taking them without consulting me," said Julia.

"I know," I replied. "Which is why I'm asking for your help now, cause I'm fucking serious about this."

"Good," smiled Julia.

I looked at her expectantly.

"If we are going to instigate a managed programme of withdrawal, I need you to be fucking serious about it. And I'll need to meet Katie. Your partner will be an important part of this and she will need to know what she's letting herself in for."

"Oh," I said quietly. "I thought I would have to argue with you loads more."

"Effy," replied Julia sincerely. "You are one of the most fascinating cases it has ever been my pleasure to work on. You are an amazing, talented and fantastically intelligent young woman, and you are absolutely brimming with potential. Nothing would give me greater professional and personal satisfaction than to see you realise that potential. Now I need you to tell me everything that happened over the summer."

I spent the rest of the session spilling my guts to her about the season's adventures both in Effyland and the 'real' world, and how they sometimes now seemed to meld into one. I could feel her smiling at me as my own grin grew to epic proportions every time Katie came up in the story, which let's face it was most of the time.

"You really are smitten aren't you?" she said when the time was up. "Must be a chemical riot up there."

"Better than a mountain of Charlie," I smirked back at her.

"You would know," she quipped back. "Though if you've read Dr Fisher's research then you'll know that the parts of the brain associated with the feeling of being in love…"

"Are exactly the same as the ones stimulated by cocaine."

No wonder Katie loved her coke, she had always been after her perfect romance, hadn't she?

"Which is why we have to be careful with you, Effy," said Julia. "Though if this Katie is even half the woman you seem to think she is, I think we might have a shot at this."

.

.

.

Which is why one week later I was staring at the lilac door again, with Katie nervously fiddling with her hair and smoothing down her skirt.

"It's ok, Katie," I assured her. "Julia's nice, you don't have to be nervous."

"But what if she doesn't like me?" she asked. "What if I'm not good enough?"

"She will like you. And you're definitely good enough. You're Katie Fucking Fitch, remember?"

"But what if I don't pass the test?"

"It's not a test. She just wants to meet you."

"But I do have to convince her I'm strong enough to help you come off the drugs, right?"

"Just be yourself, angel. Have faith. I do."

I could sense she was about to go off on another one of her rants so I silenced her in the best way I knew how, pulling her into a soft and loving kiss.

"God, I love you so much, Eff," she whispered once I had released her. "I just want to be able to do what's best for you."

"Then come on in," Julia's voice sounded behind us. "And don't worry, Katie. You're not here to be judged."

The session went well. Julia explaining things to Katie, and Katie asking questions in return. Dr Karpenko had devised a detailed programme to reduce my medication in stages, with regular monitoring to be done both by herself and by me and Katie. And a proper assessment period to be undertaken after each phase. All in all it was going to take about three months.

"One thing you are going to have to promise me, Effy," said Julia earnestly. "Is that there will be no drink or drugs whilst we are trying to do this. I'm not saying never again, but definitely not whilst we are trying to stabilise you. You are going to have to stay away from temptation, do you understand me?"

"I understand you."

I closed my eyes and nodded. I knew what was at stake here. A chance to take control of my life again. A chance to be free.

"What about you, Katie?" said Julia. "Do you understand how important this is?"

"I'll give them up too," she said, without a moment's hesitation.

"You don't have to," I said.

"I want to," she said, taking my hand. "Though I think we might have a bit more of a problem with Anthea. The wine glass might have to be surgically removed. I'm sure me and Eff can come up with other ways to entertain ourselves though."

"Plenty of good clean fun," I smirked.

"Yes, well go easy," laughed Julia. "Remember that sex with someone you love can be just as powerful a stimulant as cocaine, and just as addictive."

"But a hell of a lot cheaper," laughed Katie, her eyes lighting up. "I can use the money I save to buy shoes."

I sat back in one of Dr Karpenko's big comfy chairs and let the feeling wash over me. It was almost as if someone had turned on a sprinkler system in my brain, drenching me with dopamine as I looked at her. She was magnificent, and I was her junkie. Katie Fucking Fitch. Best drug in the world.


	30. 30 Addicted To Love

**A/N Well, this one's been a while coming, but I've been busy finishing a show, partying like a demon, coming home after ten months away, going back to hospital and astounding my doctor with how strong my arm is and generally enjoying my new found freedom. This will also explain why I've been totally rubbish at reviewing all the fab fics that are so deserving of support. Sorry ladies.**

**So onto the chapter, and it is as I have just described in my tweet 'well frisky', so you should all know what not to do by now. A dedication goes out to assassinslover, as a consolation for what the shitty weather is doing.**

**I've reposted this to get rid of some typos and correct a mistake I made with Daisy and the beers. I'd also like to thank all my readers who are medics or bioscientists who gave me such support over the content of the last chapter. **

**I don't own Skins, but I have been known to find it addictive**

**.**

**.**

30. Addicted To Love

Katie

Ok, so Effy's idea of 'good clean fun' might not agree too much with certain other people's definition. Having a gorgeous brunette eating smashed up raspberry pavlova from my cleavage probably wasn't that that high on my mother's list of appropriate activities for a healthy young Fitch, but what could I do? When faced with an offer like that was I really going to say no? Truth be told, Effy was in the first phase of her withdrawal, and her libido had gone ballistic. Dr Julia had explained to me that, having been denied her other pleasures in the form of alcohol and substance abuse, and with a lower dose of the medication that suppressed those desires, the addictive nature of Effy's brain was seeking out any available pleasures it still had available, one of which of course happened to be sex. And fucking hell, if this was only phase one, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to survive until she was completely clean. Dr Julia had told me to be strong about denying Effy if I needed too, but any time I even began to think about saying no, she sent Dark Effy out to play and I was a lost cause.

I suppose the sensible thing to do would just to have spent more time apart, but every night I didn't sleep with her, I just missed her like crazy, and more often than not we found ourselves making arrangements that ended up with us in each other's arms. Most of the time we would stay at Anthea's, especially seeing as how Sarah had turned into some snidey little cunt fuck, always making some little bitchy comment and looking down her nose at Effy. It was never enough for you to call her out on flagrant homophobia, but it was definitely meant to get under my skin. I think she had the idea that Effy was just some stupid little summer of love experiment, and now that I was home again I should get back to normal. Shamefully, it served as a painful reminder of the way I behaved when Emily first came out, and I spent my time constantly torn between wanting to give Sarah time to understand and come round to the situation, and wanting to smash her smug little face in. Given my track record, and the likelihood that option two was going to be my more probable choice, it seemed like staying at Anthea's was a good idea.

To her credit, Anthea had stopped drinking at home, and had gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house. But that just meant that she went out a lot more, and we often had the place to ourselves, whilst trying to find ways to amuse ourselves without drink or drugs. We watched a lot of films and read a lot of books, but it was never long before we would exchange a touch or a glance and book our tickets for another trip to sex nirvana. The thing is with guys, a lot of them are happy to grunt and fall asleep once they've shot their load, but Effy was both insatiable and irresistible. She could keep me coming all night, and then have me begging to do the same for her. She seemed tireless. As if she had woken up from a decade of sleep. In some ways I guess she had, that feverishly intelligent brain of hers starting to flex its muscles again after eight years or so of sedation. When she wasn't with me, she spent all her time with her cameras or her computer, making incredibly intricate and beautiful images, that only made me all the more determined to help her through this so that the world could finally learn what an amazing person she was.

I started taking her training, even started taking her down to Dad's gym, in the hope that she could manage to burn some of her energy up. Maybe if I could get her addicted to the endorphins that were released through exercise, she would be able to calm down a bit. It was a plan that was to backfire in a most spectacular fashion. We had had a good session, spent some time on the weights, and a good stint on the bikes. We even had a good dose of healthy anger release, whacking seven shades of shit out of the punchbags, but it was to no avail. Of course all the fucking guys in the gym had been staring at her all afternoon, and Dark Effy rose inexorably to the surface, playing her little games with their foolish desires. She couldn't help it, it was how she was programmed, and before the anti-psychotics it was who she had been. I had been warned that her behavioural patterns might seesaw, and that once again, I was going to have to be strong enough to deal with it. It hurt like a bitch to see her winding them up, and watching them drooling all over her, but I had made her a promise, and throwing a jealous hissy fit was not going to help her get better.

So I bit my tongue and resisted the urge to turn Fitch Fitness into the site of a he-man massacre, but needless to say by the time we made it to the showers I was in one hell of a pissy mood. I stripped off in a strop and stomped off towards the shower cubicles without waiting for Effy, but I wasn't fast enough. Before I had the chance to lock the door behind me, she had slipped into my cubicle.

"What the fuck do you think you're dong, Eff?" I snapped.

"What do you think I'm doing?" she smouldered back at me, dropping the towel she had wrapped around her body. My eyes involuntarily raked over her naked form, before my mind snapped back into place.

"Effy, no," I protested.

She walked up to me, and put her hands either side of my head on the cubicle wall.

"Yes," she whispered sexily in my ear.

"We're in my Dad's fucking gym," I said, although somehow I hadn't quite managed to push her away.

"Exactly" she replied coolly. "Like it says on the poster. I don't wanna get fit, I wanna get Fitched."

I ducked underneath her arm and backed away towards the door. I mean Jesus Christ, I wasn't even out to my parents yet. What if someone we knew came in and heard us? I would never live it down. Effy just stood there looking elusive and fucking gorgeous. I knew I was damn lucky to have her, but I had to draw the line somewhere.

"No, Effy," I said firmly. "You are not going to make me fuck you in the showers at my Dad's gym."

"Are you sure about that?" she said seductively, stepping back under the showerhead.

Without breaking her fatal blue gaze, she punched at the start button on the unit with her elbow, and stood facing me as the water began to run in rivulets down her body and her hair started to matt together under the moisture. It was hopeless. In an instant my brain shut down all other functions and started sending messages of extreme arousal to every part of my body that could do something about it. My fingers ached to touch her, every nerve in my genital area started buzzing with anticipation, my lips became acutely aware that they needed to be smashed against hers to ensure my continued survival, and every skin cell started screaming to be pressed up against the wet silk of Effy's heavenly body.

"Fuck," I whispered.

"Exactly," replied Dark Effy, in the soft siren's voice that could drive me to the edge of reason. "You know you want to."

As usual, she was right. There was nothing I wanted more than to fuck her right now. Dark Effy has no boundaries. She is incapable of drawing the line anywhere. Fuck, she doesn't even own a fucking pencil.

"You don't know when to stop," I spat at her angrily, advancing towards her. I pushed her back against the cubicle wall and kissed her roughly, pushing my tongue deep into her mouth.

"Neither do you," she hissed back at me as I bit hard into her neck and grabbed desperately for her tits. I was still fucking angry with her, but I have no fucking control when I'm around her. I guess I'm just as much of an addict as she is. We clawed at each other furiously, our kisses drawing blood as we bit into each other in a lustful frenzy. We fought each other for control as we bounced back and forth between the cubicle walls. Pleasure and pain started mingling into one, the hot water bouncing off our hard worked muscles and stinging into our self inflicted wounds. We pulled at each other's hair, and drank deeply from each other's open hungry mouths. I heard her cry out as I forced my leg between her thighs and started grinding into her, but she fought back and suddenly I was thrown against the opposite wall, my arms pinned out to my sides as she sucked forcefully on my tits. It felt so fucking beautiful and I was on the verge of screaming at her to take me, but I didn't want to let her win. I wasn't going to let her fuck me first, when she had been fucking round with my head all afternoon with those stupid grunts.

I started pushing back against where her hands had me pushed against the wall, but she was onto me in a flash.

"Oh no you don't," she said, leaning harder against me.

Nobody tells a fucking Fitch what to do. The dark angel spread her wings, and I started to use my power. I was stronger than her, and I knew it, and I was gong to make fucking sure she knew it too.

"Fuck," she said, as she felt me forcing her away from the wall.

"Surrender," I said to her, the word so familiar from all the play fights I now realised she had instigated just because she needed my touch. But this was nothing like those play fights, this was something far more intense. She was using everything she had against me, but we both knew I was starting to gain the upper hand.

"Surrender," I repeated, slowly forcing our bodies away from the wall.

Effy fixed me with her molten eyes, her pupils so dilated they were more black than blue.

"Make me," she goaded, the water pouring down her face.

My angel heart burst with lust and fury. I wrenched one arm free from her grasp and grabbed at her hair, the other I twisted till I was pushing against her stomach, forcing us hard back against the opposite wall once more. Once we hit it, the jolt caused Effy to lose her grip, and my free hand forced it's way between her legs and my fingers pushed hard inside her without a moment's hesitation. I followed it through with another violent kiss, and Effy wrapped her arms around me pulling me hungrily against her. She was mine.

And I was hers. My whole world was Effy. I swear I would have died if she had been taken away from me right then. I needed to feel her body surround me as much as I needed the very air. The water pounded down onto my back as I pushed myself hard into her again and again. My mouth searched desperately for hers as if I was deep underwater and she were my only source of precious oxygen. She was crying out for me louder and stronger than she ever had before, but I no longer cared about discovery. We could have been naked in fucking Trafalgar Square for all I cared.

"I wanna fucking make you come, baby," I growled in her ear, before taking her in another rough possessive kiss, thrusting my hips against my hand to fuck her harder.

"Oh Fuck, Katie. Please," she cried as I momentarily released her lips, so I could look at how much she wanted me.

Effy was rarely that vocal during sex, and she certainly never begged for it. But she was begging for it now, and it turned all my anger into a raging lust fuelled love. My passion was violent, but it was pure white. It was who I was, angry, powerful, violent Katie Fitch, and Effy was the only person who had ever truly loved me for it. I put my other arm around her waist and lifted her from the ground. She put her hands around my neck and wrapped her legs around me, rocking her open hips against me, taking all of me, taking all I could give. I smiled as the rhythm of her breathing started to disintegrate, telling me as eloquently as any words that she was close to orgasm. She was completely mine now, her eyes closed and her mouth open in absolute abandon, and as I felt her walls begin to close around me with the onset of the rush, she started screaming.

I carried on thrusting into her as she came, watching her beautiful face cry out without restraint, and feeling her breasts push into mine as she arched her back away from the wall. Suddenly her eyes shot open, and she stared right at me as we rode out the last of her contractions together. We stayed like that, breathing hard, our bodies still locked together, staring at each other, hot water still raining down around us, until Effy finally blinked and looked away.

"Oh fuck, fuck, fucking Jesus," she said, her eyes starting to glaze over.

I lowered her down, and pulled out of her, taking her face in my hand and trying to meet her gaze again. She started laughing. She looked like she was coming up on ecstasy.

"Are you ok, Babes?" stroking her wet hair away from her forehead.

"Fuck, that's some crazy powerful shit," she laughed, her head rolling lazily to one side. "Katie Fitch done me good and proper."

"Who are you talking to?" I asked, cause I felt fairly certain she wasn't talking to me.

"I'm not sure," she said breathlessly, but she didn't seem scared. She seemed elated, in an almost religious rapture. Beautifully, gloriously off her head, an unearthly beauty radiating off her and making my heart stop beating. This is what she must have looked like in the days when she was permanently high. No wonder so many fools fell into her trap.

"Anyone else in there, Babe," I asked her, almost dreading the answer.

"There are voices," she replied calmly.

"What are they saying?" I asked cautiously.

"They're singing," she answered. "It's beautiful here. It's not like before. I wish you could hear them. I wish I could tell you, Katie. I wish I could describe what it's like."

"Maybe you could show me," I told her.

Effy's eyes came suddenly back into sharp focus. She was with me again.

"How?" she questioned.

"With your art, Babes," I told her. "You make such beautiful images. What if some of them told us what you see?"

"I could do that," she said almost incredulously, as if my idea had never occurred to her before. "I could actually do that."

She pulled me into a luscious kiss, so different from the aggression of our previous interactions.

"You're so fucking amazing, Katie," she said. "In every fucking way."

"I love you," I told her.

"I know," she replied. "And it's the best fucking thing in the world."

"I also think we need to get out of here before we end up looking like prunes," I laughed.

I cut off the water and kissed her again, more gently this time, before dragging us both out of the cubicle. We were giggling so hard I didn't notice the woman in the doorway until I heard her voice.

"Hello Emily," she said.

My eyes snapped across to her. Her name was Stella. She was a regular at the over fifties swim aerobics class.

"Um, it's not..." I stammered, hoping that she hadn't sussed out what was going on.

"Oh sorry, Katie love," she apologised. "I don't usually mix you up. It's just it's usually Emily that.."

She trailed off, waving her hand very obviously between 'pretty girl' and 'shower'.

"Emily's moving to Bristol," I blurted out in a lame attempt at deflection.

"Without you?" asked Stella. "What's prompted that?"

"She's in love," I replied, quite happy to sacrifice details of my sister's personal life in order to protect my own. Stella burst out laughing.

"Don't tell me some lucky girl's finally managed to reel her in," she smiled.

"Looks that way." I replied hesitantly, wondering how Stella knew so much about Emily's sex life.

"Well, I shall certainly miss all those pretty young things she used to bring in here," she sighed, before giving me a cheeky grin. "Unless you're planning on taking over her crown."

Stella's eyes flicked over towards Effy who still looked like she was floating along on some kind of high. Fucking hell, the dirty old sod was perving on my girlfriend. Not that I could blame her, a damp towel clad Effy was a fucking wonder of the world, but still. At least I knew Stella wouldn't grass me up to Dad, but I'd had enough of her appreciative perception of aesthetic.

"Well, it was nice to see you," I said, grabbing Effy's hand, and dragging her back into the changing room.

"She seemed nice," she said dreamily.

"Did you not see her practically eye-fucking you?" I scoffed.

Effy just shrugged. She was used to it.

"Effy, she was old enough to be your mother," I protested.

"Doesn't mean she can't have good taste," she smirked back at me.

"Fucking hell, nothing phases you, does it?" I cried.

"You do," she said softly. "It's why I love you. You're constantly amazing me."

I pulled her into an embrace and held her tight. I didn't even care when a bunch of women I didn't know came bursting into the changing room, laughing and gossiping between themselves. I wouldn't be taking over Emily's crown, there was only one pretty girl for me.

The sun was shining as we walked down the road away from the gym. It was one of those Indian summers you sometimes get in London, where the weather stays good and the temperature stays hot until well into the beginning of autumn. Effy and I were heading over to Emily's place to sort some of her shit out for her. The terrible trio were going to stop by on their way back from holiday, so Ems could take some of her stuff back to Bristol. She was still paying rent on the place, but she was going to have to find someone to take over for her some time. Shouldn't be too hard, it was a gorgeous place. My thoughts were interrupted when an open topped car pulled up beside us. I rolled my eyes when I saw who it was, a guy called Dave, who worked out regularly at the gym. One of the guys who had been ogling Effy all afternoon. He had a vest on showing off his sunbed tan, and his arm was draped over the back of the passenger seat in a manner deliberately designed to show off his muscles. He reminded me of the kind of jerks I used to date when I was a teenager. The thought of it almost made me gag now.

"Can I offer you ladies a ride?" he smarmed at us, undressing Effy with his eyes. "Must be tired after your workout."

My eyes flicked over to Effy to find her smirking back at me.

"You could say that," she laughed. "But I won't be needed a ride from you, thanks. I've just had the ride of my life."

She held out her hand towards me and I took it without hesitation. I didn't resist as she pulled me towards her, nor when she tangled her other hand through my hair and drew me into a loving kiss. I didn't shrink away when she released me. Instead I slid my hand around her waist, and turned back to face the gobsmacked guy in the car, completely comfortable with where I was in this.

"I'm sorry, Dave, you can't have her," I said. "Because she's mine."

I carried on holding Effy's hand as we walked down the street once Dave had sped away. I didn't care who saw us. I didn't even care if Dave spread rumours round the gym that got back to my Dad. Effy was my lover, and I wasn't going anywhere.

"So, the ride of your life, huh?" I said smugly, swinging our joined hands between us.

"Babe, I was hallucinating heavenly choirs at the end of it," she laughed at me. "I think that probably qualifies as a pretty damn good fuck."

"I made you scream," I said, feeling even more pleased with myself.

"Yeah," she admitted, feeding my ego.

"You don't scream," I said, my head the size of the Sahara.

"Like I said, you are constantly amazing me."

.

.

.

Two hot, dirty tube rides later, we found ourselves at Emily's place. I had a key of course, but I knocked out of politeness, and her flatmate Daisy let us in. I had a little smile on my face as I chatted away to Daisy about Emily's plans, cause out of the corner of my eye I could see Effy looking round the place in wonder. Ems and Daisy lived on the top floor of a converted warehouse space in Hackney, they each had a little bit sectioned off for bedrooms, and there was a separate bathroom, but the rest of the place was open plan. There was a kitchen area, and a living area but most of the room was taken up as a training space. Daisy was a dancer so they had mirrors along the wall, and a 5m square dancefloor laid. There were riggable beams in the roof, so Ems had a trapeze and some silks up. As well as windows along one wall, there was also a bank of skylights in the roof so the room was flooded with light, especially on sunny days like today. The furniture was slick as fuck, most of it having been built from scratch, Ems having flirted with every lesbian handywoman in Hackney to get them discount.

"Have you seen the bath?" Effy said, emerging from the bathroom with a huge grin on her face. Of course I had seen it. It was sumptuous and enormous and definitely built for two. Courtesy of a plumber called Andrea if I remember correctly.

"Yeah, this whole fucking place is designed for the seduction of ladies," I scoffed.

"I never thought she would want to move out," said Daisy. "Ems put a lot of effort in to making it. Mind you, Naomi Campbell is as fit as fuck. I saw her swinging last year on the South Bank, and reckoned I coulda gone gay for that one. Do you know if Ems has found anyone to take over the lease for her?"

"Not yet," I replied. "She's too wound up in Naomi to see anything else."

"What about me?" said Effy from behind us.

I turned round to see her eyes still wandering star struck around the room.

"Cool," said Daisy. "Are you guys gonna be around for a bit? I gotta go out to an audition now. I got a call back for this amazing job on a big show in Macau. I won't get it, but it's a nice fantasy. I can chat to you about it later, yeah?"

She grabbed her bag and coat and started heading for the door.

"Make yourselves at home, guys," she said cheerily.

"Good luck," said Effy.

Daisy stopped and turned in the doorway.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Effy Stonem."

"Well thank you, Effy Stonem. Let's hope you bring me luck."

"Perhaps you won't need it," smiled Effy.

"What the fuck was that?" I said, as soon as Daisy was gone.

"I was just trying to give her confidence," replied Effy, drifting over towards the kitchen. "She'll do better if she has confidence."

Effy was so sexualised at the moment, she was flirting without even realising she was doing it. I had been holding it in all afternoon, but finally my jealousy spilled over.

"She's straight, just so you know," I spat.

I was treated to the mother of all-knowing Stonem smirks. Ok, so that defence was nothing short of ridiculous coming from me. I struggled to come up with another one, but Effy was trailing her fingers delicately over the curves of Emily's big American style fridge, and my brain shot back to my afternoon in Brighton with Mr Buzzy. I drew in a deep breath and my eyes fell to the floor. I couldn't look at her without wanting her hands all over my body, and I had things I needed to say.

"Are you sure this is a good time to be moving out of Anthea's, with all the changes you're going through? Surely it would be better to be somewhere safe."

"Maybe this is exactly the right time to move," she countered. "I can't depend on Anthea forever, and I'm fucking fed up of always being fucking safe."

"We've only just begun with your withdrawal, Babes. Who knows what you're going to have to go through."

"Then I'll have to be brave. Maybe the risk itself will force me to be strong."

She started walking over towards me, and I had to turn my back on her and lean against the counter that split the kitchen from the living space.

"We'd have to tell Daisy about your condition, it's only fair," I said, my heart hammering harder in my chest the closer she got to me.

"So we'll tell her," replied Effy. "She's Emily's friend. Maybe she'll be cool. We don't know if we don't ask."

Thing was, I knew Daisy, and I already knew she would be cool. Her brother is bi-polar so she would understand. I was running out of excuses.

"What if something happens to you, Babes? I wouldn't want you to be on your own."

"But I wouldn't really be on my own, would I?" said Effy, snaking one finger down the length of my back and sending shivers through my whole body.

"I'm only thinking of you," I said.

Her proximity was making me tremble, and I felt her hands slip onto my hips.

"I'm only ever thinking of you," she whispered in my ear.

I fell backwards into her arms and rolled my head to one side as she kissed the exposed flesh on my neck. One kiss was all it took. One kiss and I knew I was going to give myself to her right here in Emily's kitchen.

"How do you do it?" I said breathlessly, spinning round in her arms and taking her mouth with mine. "How do you make me want you so fucking much?"

She kissed me deeply, and I felt her edging us slowly back towards the counter, but I spun out of her grasp and pulled away to arms length. We stared at each other for several lust-drenched moments. I had been fooling myself that this was a one-way street. Without my drugs, I needed the rush just as much as she did.

"I want to kiss you," said Effy huskily.

"So come and get me," I purred back at her.

She prowled towards me, not stopping when her lips met mine, but still propelling me backwards. I carefully manoeuvred us until my back connected with the fridge. I was going to have my dream come true. Her hands grasped the side of the fridge as she ground into me with her thigh. My hands hung onto her bony shoulder blades as I gave myself over to her searching kisses.

"God I love how fucking wet you make me," I told her.

"I need to feel you," she answered, her hands leaving the sides of the fridge so they could push up my skirt and feel their way inside my knickers. Her breathing accelerated as she came into contact with my wetness, it always gave her away, but mine was no less obvious as her fingers started dancing across my clit. With her free hand she skilfully pulled off my little strappy top and undid the back of my bra. Pulling the lace aside she squeezed and sucked at my breasts, whilst all the while she continued her magic dance across my clitoris. I arched my back and thrust my hips and tits towards her. I could never get enough. She was more dangerous than coke. I loved my little white bags of fairy dust, but in the end I could still take it or leave it. I could barely last a day without Effy Stonem. Her hand slipped suddenly out of my folds and I was almost devastated by the loss.

"Oh God, don't stop," I begged her. "Don't stop touching me."

She thrust her thigh against me and I found myself grinding down hard upon it, desperate for the friction. Effy's fucking magnificent blue eyes were fixed on mine.

"I want to fuck you," she said softly, kissing me delicately on the mouth. "Let me fuck you," she said, gently stroking my cheek with her fingers.

The tenderness of her actions combined with the harshness of her words was a massive fucking turn on, and desire exploded within every cell of my body. Effy had told me the name of the neurotransmitters released during sex with someone you love, but I momentarily forgot them, even as they were having a monster rave inside my skull. I think I managed some kind of strangled cry in response, and Effy dropped to her knees and pulled my knickers from my body. I stepped out of them and spread my legs aching to feel her inside me. She kissed her way back up my legs, stopping to lick me for several minutes, before continuing up my stomach, across my breasts and along my neck, stopping with her beautiful mouth just millimetres from my own.

"Now," she whispered, closing the gap and sliding one long finger inside me. For the second time that day, my whole fucking world was Effy. She started slow, but every last little motion was making me gasp and shake. No one has ever touched me like Effy does. She was tantalising me, filling me with wonderful sensation, but making me want to push harder and harder against her, because I needed more. I was her little junkie, desperate for more and more of her incredible high. She started working me faster, slipping another finger inside my welcoming cunt, making me feel so good I felt sure I was going to come any second, but amazingly she managed to hold me there at a staggeringly high level of excitement as she pushed deeper and harder into me. I worked with her, banging my hips against her, letting her tongue penetrate deep into my mouth and thrusting my breast against the hand that was squeezing it hard. She felt so incredibly good I could barely imagine there was anything that could make it feel better, but I knew there was one thing that could. I grabbed her by the back of her hair and pulled her ravenous mouth away from me.

"Tell me you love me," I gasped.

She stopped dead, her weight still pushing me against the cool hard surface of the fridge. Again I cried out for the lack of her.

"I love you," she said, and started fucking me even harder than before. I lost all notions of space and time, as I became a slave to the impending eruption between my legs. I was vaguely aware that I was screaming the place down, but the only voice that mattered was the one that was speaking to me between frantic breathless kisses. Effy's voice telling me she loved me over and over again.

"I fucking love you, Katie Fucking Fitch," she practically screamed at me, and I came so hard I swear I felt the building fucking shake, along with the rattling contents of the fridge. I clung to her breathless through an astounding series of aftershocks, before taking in great lungfuls of air in an attempt at some form of recovery. Effy breathed with me, taking my excitable rhythms as her own. The happy chemicals continued having their little party in my head, as I struggled to comprehend what had just happened to me.

"How do you do it?" I asked again, this time in genuine need of an answer. "How the fuck do you keep making me feel this good?"

Her answer, when it came, was refreshingly simple.

"I love you," she said.

I have no concept of how my tiny body can hold a heart this huge. It must be something to do with Effy's eleven dimensions, because right now I feel like a goddess, a queen, a champion. I am a hero. I have superpowers. You can forget your flying or your x-ray vision. Forget your super strength, invisibility or your breathing underwater. Effy might be able to read minds or whatever, but I have a power that tops them all. Out of all the billions of people in the world, I'm the only one who can make Effy Stonem love me.

"Holy dopamine overload, Batman," said Effy suddenly. "I think I need to go and lie down."

She started staggering over towards the sofa, and I rushed to her side to support her. She collapsed willingly as soon as we reached our destination, and that glazed over ecstasy look was in her eyes again.

"Is the choir back in session?" I asked her.

"No, it's more like just loads of really pretty colours," she grinned stupidly back at me.

"Are you going to be ok? How can I help you? Do you need water? Or maybe some juice? Vitamin C is a good idea, right? JJ likes mango juice when he gets over stimulated."

"Katie, calm the fuck down," laughed Effy. "Just come and lie with me."

I went back and salvaged my bra and top from the kitchen, before lying down beside her and snuggling into her side.

"Lie with me," she murmured as she wrapped her arms around me. "Just lie with me."

Ok, so the song says heaven is a place on earth, but who the fuck knew you could find it in fucking Hackney?

.

.

The next thing I knew was Daisy running back into the flat screaming 'Oh my God, Oh my God, OH MY GOD!'

"What the fuck?" I spluttered in confusion.

"You fell asleep, babe," Effy whispered in my ear.

"Must have been tired after my workout," I smirked back at her.

We sat up just in time for Daisy to drag Effy to her feet and twirl her round in an enormous hug.

"You brought me luck, Effy Stonem," she yelped enthusiastically. "I got the job. I got the fucking job."

"Cool," said Effy calmly, once she had been released. I was right, when she is in this reality there is nothing that can fucking phase her. Except me.

"I've got some beers in the fridge," squealed Daisy. "We should celebrate."

"I'll get it," I said, leaping up, suddenly remembering that my knickers were still abandoned somewhere on the kitchen floor.

"So tell us about the gig," said Effy, as I was popping the top on Daisy's beer.

"It's a fucking ten month contract," she gurgled excitedly. "In fucking Macau, and I've got to like fly out there in a week. What a fucking headrush."

"In a week?" I said returning from the kitchen, having successfully stashed my underwear in a drawer. "That's a little harsh."

"Yeah, it's a bit fucking mental," admitted Daisy. "But there's no fucking way I'm turning it down."

"That would be crazy," smirked Effy.

Daisy took a long swig of her beer, which seemed to tone her excitement down a little, and I could see thought processes going to work in her brain.

"Effy, do you think you could take over the lease on the flat from me instead of Emily?" she said. "Ems has still got time to find someone else."

"Maybe she doesn't have to," said Effy, turning to look at me.

My huge heart surged when I realized what she was implying.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?"

She nodded almost imperceptibly.

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"Are you sure?" I said, even though I really just wanted to leap into her arms and say yes.

"Katie, if we can make it work in the fucking caravan, we can make it work here," she giggled. "I want to be with you. And I don't ever want to be with anyone else."

"Whoa!" interjected Daisy. "You two are a fucking couple?"

"Yes," I said to Daisy.

"Yes," I said to Effy.

"I'll drink to that," laughed Daisy, her face suddenly scrunching up when she noticed our lack of alcohol. "You guys not want a beer?"

"Eff and me are on the wagon at moment," I told her.

"Katie Fitch on the wagon?" scoffed Daisy as though such a thing were nigh on impossible. "Antibiotics?"

"Anti-psychotics," said Effy. "As in I'm trying to come off them."

"Wow, that's brave," said Daisy with respect. "Good luck, Effy Stonem."

"Thanks," replied Effy. "Who knows, maybe I won't need it."

It may have been a ridiculous roller coaster of a day, but it would end with absolute certainty. I knew where I belonged. With her. Making our own little slice of heaven in the coolest flat in Hackney.


	31. 31 Welcome to Effyland

31. Welcome to Effyland

Effy

I woke up screaming. It took me several seconds to realise it had been a nightmare, just a fucking nightmare. I had been running, running for my life through a forest, my bare arms and legs cut and bloody from the constant whipping of the undergrowth. But I couldn't stop because it was coming for me. No matter how fast I ran, I could still hear the relentless pounding of horse's hooves behind me. There was no way I was going to be able to outrun it. I was completely fucked. But still I kept running, hoping against hope there would be some way to escape. The sound of the horse became overbearingly loud. It was almost upon me, and though my lungs were near to bursting with the effort of running, I could smell its sweat, and feel the heat of its body as it overtook me. Then all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain as something connected with my back and sent me sprawling into the dirt. Despite my fear, I raised my head to look into the face of my pursuer. Except there was no face to be seen. The rider had dismounted and was walking towards me, but her face was entirely hidden by a red latex mask and reflective goggles. When she reached me she aimed a vicious kick at my ribs, and I curled up into a ball.

She ripped at my shoulder, and forced me onto my back, straddling me and pressing me down into the ground. As I lay there in terror, the mask began to melt, and the liquid dripped down onto my face. It fell onto my lips, and my tongue automatically darted out to taste it. It was blood. The face of my attacker was morphing, and recognisable features began to form. I screamed when I recognised her. It was Amber, the girl I had hit with the rock and nearly killed. Her eyes were nothing but red. I tried to struggle against her, but I was powerless against her strength.

"No fucking rocks for you this time, cunt," she growled, her voice warped and animalistic.

I felt her grip increasing on my wrists, and screamed with pain as I felt the bones begin to splinter. Amber threw her head back and began to laugh, and the very ground began to shake at the sound.

"Please," I begged her. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

"You don't get to say sorry," came the terrifying unearthly voice. "You don't fucking deserve it."

The creature looked back down, but its face was transforming again. When its features resolved, it was Jenny and she smacked me hard across the face.

"I'm sorry," I cried, the tears streaming down my face. "I wasn't well."

"No fucking excuses, bitch," she spat. "You fucked me. You fucked me over. Now I get to fuck you."

She hit me again and started tearing at my clothes…

And that's when I woke up screaming. I was shaking, and covered in sweat, and struggled to process the familiar features of my room at Anthea's. Instinctively I rolled over and reached out for Katie, for the comfort I knew would bring me back to life. But she wasn't there. Katie's side of the bed was empty. And cold. I called out her name, but there was no reply. Breathing harder, I threw back the covers on the bed, reached for the nearest T-shirt and ran from the room.

"Katie," I cried, running through the rest of the upstairs rooms. "Katie, I need you."

I stumbled down the stairs, my aching body still feeling the wounds inflicted in the dream. Panic started to rise as I could find no evidence of my lover. My breathing constricted, my vision began to swim, and there was a pounding pressure in my ears. I needed to be safe. I needed to get somewhere safe. My legs collapsed from under me, and I had to crawl to reach it, but I knew if I could get to the red sofa I would be safe.

But when I got there, all sense of hope was brutally ripped from my body. I discovered a note, written in Katie's scrambly hand.

**I'm out of here. I can't take this shit any more. Loser.**

"She's fucked off, mate," came a voice from behind me.

I turned round to see Anthea leering drunkenly at me, bottle of wine in hand.

"I knew she was too fucking good for you," she sneered.

I howled as if someone was tearing my insides out.

And that's when I woke up screaming. Was this Hell? How many more layers of pain would I have to go through? I was shaking, I was covered in sweat, I had no idea where I was. I felt something start to enclose me, and I began to thrash around in the bed to escape it. But whatever it was just held me tight.

"No, no, no. Please no," I wept. "I know I am bad, but I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. I never meant to hurt anyone"

Then the sweetest music ever heard began to caress my ears. Someone calling my name over and over again. The scent of her suddenly filled my nostrils, and I began to feel her warmth surrounding me. I wasn't being imprisoned. I was being embraced.

"Effy, come back to me, Babes," she said, her hand gently stroking my face. "It's ok, no-one's going to hurt you, and I'll fucking kill anyone that tries."

I blinked my eyes back into focus to meet the most beautiful sight in the world, Katie gazing down at me with her eyes full of love.

"Is it you?" I whispered. "Are you really here this time?"

"I'm here, my love," she soothed me, kissing me oh so gently on the lips.

I burst into tears from sheer relief. Katie rolled onto her back, and pulled me into her side, wrapping her arms around me.

"It's ok, it's ok," she murmured into my hair. "I love you. I'm never going to let anything hurt you."

Her hands kept gently stroking me, as my breathing returned to normal and I finally began to stop shaking. I pulled back from her, so I could look at her, touching her face, her arms her stomach, still not quite believing she was real.

"Is this reality?" I asked her.

"Yes, it is," she replied.

"I dreamt that you left me."

"Never going to happen," she said with absolute certainty.

Nightmare Anthea had been right. Katie was way too fucking good for me, I was just fucking glad that _she_ didn't think so.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked me.

My mind flashed back to the horrible vision of being rejected and abandoned by both of the women who loved me, and I started to cry again.

"Shit," I heard her admonish herself under her breath. "It's ok, honey. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. We can lie here. We can just lie here. Just tell me what you need."

But instead of taking comfort, my rebellious brain shot back to images of the blood red horsewoman intent on violent revenge, who took on the faces of the women I had damaged, and my crying turned to uncontrollable shaking.

"Jesus, Fuck," I heard Katie say, and when I looked at her, her eyes reflected something I had never seen before. There was fear in them.

"I'm sorry," I cried between convulsions. "I'm sorry I'm such a fucking fuck up."

Her strong hands rolled me onto my back again, and she slid her weight on top of me. Both hands came up to meet my face and held my head still.

"You are not a fuck up, Effy Stonem," she told me firmly. "You are smart and beautiful and brilliant, and you are being so fucking brave right now."

When I looked up to meet her eyes, I saw they held their steel one more.

"We knew this was going to be a battle," she said. "And watching you fight so hard and be so brave, makes me so proud of you. It only makes me love you more, so I am not going to abandon you. We can do this, and we can do it together."

I reached up and pulled her down into a kiss. I think she must have been shocked, because she didn't kiss back.

"Fucking kiss me," I begged her. "I need to feel you."

I opened my mouth to her once more, immediately asking for her tongue, and this time she responded, reaching into me and kissing me until the shaking subsided.

.

.

.

Hours later, I woke up again. This time I was lying on the red sofa. Katie was supposed to go training, but she had sacked it off, insisting that she didn't want to leave me. I tried to protest, arguing that Anthea was here, and that she could look after me, but Katie was having none of it. She made us both breakfast, constantly coming back to reassure me with little touches as she cooked. After that she had rarely left my side, installing us on the red sofa, and making us watch stupid videos on YouTube. She chatted animatedly about things we needed for the flat, and kept me safely in the little bubble of our domestic bliss. I was grateful for it. The nightmares had left me physically shaken, as my body tried to adjust to the new levels of chemicals in my blood. I still felt guilty though, I hated the idea of Katie having to give things up for me, even if it was only a few hours of training. But every now and then she would just look at me, and kiss me again, and I forgot about anything else. I found myself hoping she would use the same imprinting technique to give me a safe spot in the new place. Eventually, I had relaxed enough to let the exhaustion of my restless night take its toll, and drifted off to sleep where I sat.

When I woke up, I was alone, but this time there was no panic. I peeled myself off the sofa and wandered towards the kitchen, suddenly ravenous again. Katie and Anthea were outside. I could hear their voices drifting in from the garden through the half open back door. I abandoned my search for food, and headed towards them, stopping to lurk in the doorway behind them. They were sat on a wooden bench on the decking overlooking the garden with theirs backs to me. I didn't alert them to my presence. I was so happy that my Mum had taken to my relationship with Katie so well. I just wanted to watch them interact as family.

"I just worry about her is all," said Anthea. "I can't help it. I'm her mother."

"And you think I don't?" said Katie with more than a hint of stress in her voice. "Didn't you hear her screaming the place down this morning?"

"Yeah, I did," admitted Anthea. "And you have no idea how hard it was for me not to bash the bloody door down and rush in there."

"Why didn't you?" queried Katie.

"I figured you were going to have to learn to cope without me," replied Anthea. "If you move in together, you're going to become her primary carer at a really fucking difficult time in her life."

"I know," said Katie wearily, putting her head into her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. Mum put her arm around her.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, sweetheart," she said. "But are you sure this move is the right thing to be doing right now?"

"No, I'm not," confessed Katie. "I'm fucking terrified. She is so up and down at the moment. One day she's high as a fucking kite on natural stimulation, and then the next she's screaming in her sleep. I seriously thought she was going to have a fit this morning. It's one thing to read all about this in a fucking pamphlet, but it's a different fucking thing to have to watch it happening to your girlfriend. I feel scared and inexperienced. And yeah, I know I've helped her in the past, but this is so much bigger, and I'm worried that I'm not enough for her, that I won't know what to do if the shit really hits the fan."

"Have you talked to her?" said Anthea. "You're supposed to be moving in there tomorrow."

"No," replied Katie. "But I know she wants it so much. It's all part of the same thing for her, becoming her own person again after all this time. You should have seen her, Anthea. She was so fucking happy when I said yes."

"Yes, but you have to think of yourself too, Katie. If you're not ready, you have to tell her. You know you're more than welcome to move in here if you want to live together."

Katie turned towards Anthea and pulled her into a full on hug.

"Thank you," she told Mum. "But I have to be strong for her."

"No you don't," I said firmly, causing both of them to spin round in surprise.

"Effy, I…." stuttered Katie, started to get up, but I walked up and put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her gently back to sitting. I knelt in front of her and took her hands.

"You should have said something," I said softly. "Sometimes I just think you're so fucking special, I believe you can handle anything. Sometimes you are so fucking amazing, I forget that you aren't really superhuman. I'm sorry if I asked too much of you."

"You didn't," she protested, but I cut her off.

"Maybe this was all a mistake," I muttered. "Coming off the drugs, trying to be independent. Maybe I'm just not strong enough."

"Yes, you fucking are, bitch," came the strident reply.

I blinked at her in confusion. Seems I wasn't the only one having inexplicable violent mood swings. But what ever had caused it, someone had flicked the Katie Fucking Fitch switch back on.

"You are more than fucking capable of doing this," she said assertively. "I won't have you fucking doubting yourself. Anthea and I were just venting, because we're a pair of daft old motherfuckers who love you to bits. Cause you're fucking incredible, and you fucking deserve this. And I will do anything in my power to get you what you deserve. Tomorrow morning we are taking our shit, and we are moving into an amazing fucking flat together. And then we're going to take your meds down another dose, and we are going to fight for you. And we are going to win. Do you hear me? We are going to fucking win."

I was stunned by the forcefulness of her declaration. Not quite knowing what to do, I looked over towards Mum for help.

"Well I fucking believe her," she shrugged.

.

.

.

The next day couldn't have been more different. I felt ridiculously excited as Katie and I pulled up outside the warehouse in Mum's car. We didn't have that much stuff with us, cause even though Daisy had gone, the place was still full of Emily's things as her Naomi and Cook were still away on holiday. Even so, I felt like I'd had an adrenalin shot to the heart as I practically ran up and down the stairs, bringing in bags and boxes. I'm guessing this would be the up part of up and down, because my body was full of energy, and I felt fucking amazing.

"Fuck's sake, Eff, calm down," said Katie. "You're making me knackered just looking at you."

"Don't blame me, blame my exciting new chemical imbalance," I replied cheerfully.

"Fine," replied Katie, plonking herself down on a chair. "I'll just put my feet up, and let you do all the work."

"Ok," I replied, heading back towards the door.

"Wait," called Katie.

I turned back and watched the inner debate raging in her head. I knew there was a side of the old Katie that would have been more than happy to sit there looking glamourous, whilst someone else made all the effort.

"I'm not quite sure how all this works," she said finally.

"How all what works?"

"The whole gay relationship thing. If you were a bloke, I'd just leave you to it, but it feels kinda weird when you're a girl."

She looked genuinely confused, and so fucking cute, I couldn't help but go over to her and plonk myself on her lap.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" I said, kissing her nose.

"Cause you've been with girls before," she huffed earnestly.

"Yeah, but you're forgetting one important word."

"What word?"

"Relationship. I've only ever been in one, and most days I was so wasted I could barely fucking stand."

"I guess we'll just have to make it up," she said, shrugging me off her knee, and heading back to the door.

"Maybe we should ask the High Priestess?" I joked.

"Pah," scoffed Katie, disappearing out onto the fire escape. "Emily's only advice would be 'have as much sex as possible'."

She was gone and halfway down the stairs, but in my heightened state the rush still came as her words set off triggers in my brain. Sex. Katie. Sex with Katie. I felt the surge of excitement flood through my whole body, as I pelted after her down the stairs, jumping down the last half dozen in every flight. I arrived at the bottom aroused and breathless, and ready to slam her against the side of the car and take her with a scorching kiss. But before I had the chance, she had shoved a heavy box into my arms, and started back up the stairs with a couple of the lighter bags. I was momentarily stunned by the injustice. She was twice as strong as me, and still she got to do the girlie carrying? But then I became hypnotised by the sight of her delightful ass swaying up the steps in a skirt, and suddenly my burden became ten times lighter. I followed eagerly behind her. I would never get tired of that view. A few more trips (making sure that Katie was always in front of me) and we were done, but my libido was a snarling beast of a thing straining at its chains.

Any minute now it was going to snap them.

I pushed the door closed behind me and dropped the box I was carrying with no consideration for its contents.

"Careful, Eff," said Katie, turning at the noise. "You don't want to smash up our shit before we've even unpacked it."

She turned back to her business, but my eyes remained rooted to her body. To the way she moved, to the way she was slightly sweating from her exertions on the stairs. To the glimpses of that oh so perfect cleavage afforded by the generous cut of her top. I was vaguely aware of her wittering on about something to do with the order of unpacking, but the words formed nothing but gobbledegook in my head as I sunk deeper into a feral, carnal trance. I could smell her as I prowled closer towards her, and the animal in me rose ever closer to my surface. Somewhere in the higher regions of my consciousness, I knew that I loved this woman with all of my heart, but right now I just wanted fuck her so badly it hurt.

"Should we put some of Emily's crap in boxes, or wait till she gets here? Cause she might not want to take all of it if she's moving in with Naomi. What do you think, Babes?" said Katie cheerfully, unaware of the monster in the room.

I didn't give a fuck about Emily's possessions. All I could think about was sinking my teeth into the naked writhing flesh of mine. I had to have her, and I had to have her now.

"Babes? Babes?" repeated Katie, pressing me to answer.

When I stayed silent she turned to find me staring at her.

"What?" she said aggressively, clearly annoyed at my non-participation in the homebuilding process.

My only answer was to drag my eyes slowly over every inch of her body.

"Oh," she said quietly, realising my intent. "That's what you want to do first."

"Well we really ought to christen the place," I growled at her.

"Yeah, I think we kind of already did that," she said, her eyes flicking over towards the fridge.

The memory of her beautiful body arching into me the last time I fucked her in this flat did nothing but spit petrol on my fire.

"I want you," I said huskily.

"Yeah, you're lack of an iris is kind of giving you away," she replied sassily.

My black eyes continued to drink her in. Dark Effy was going to have her woman.

"Fuck," said Katie nervously. "You're going to eat me alive."

She turned and ran. My predator instincts sprang into life as I ran after her, but it wasn't much of a chase. She ran straight into Emily's bedroom and threw herself on the bed. I leapt on top of her and we started tearing at each other's clothes as if we couldn't get naked fast enough. It was fast and it was messy, and I'm sure I ripped some of her underwear, but as soon as I was inside of her, Katie began to glow. My heightened physical awareness and the unfettered perceptions of my own altered states conspired to send reality and Effyland crashing together in a beautiful collision that had fragments of me spinning out in all directions like the smashed up atoms in a particle beam, creating whole new pieces of existence never before witnessed by humanity. Katie let go completely, spreading herself open to the full force of my attentions. It drove me into a frenzy. The feel of her body beneath me, the soundwaves of her screaming hitting my skin, and the blinding light of her radiance took me over with such total intensity, there was no longer any separation between my worlds. She generated a whole new reality for me. One where there was no fear or shame in the things my very special brain chose to show me. She glowed an incandescent purple as she came, her light rippling across her body in a series of complex and intricate wave patterns that made her incredible form seem even more impossibly beautiful. As we rode out her come down together, her radiance slid elegantly towards a gently pulsating pink, and I rested my head between her perfect breasts with a true understanding of myself for the very first time.

I wasn't wrong. I was just different. The drugs were not a solution. There was no 'cure' for Effy. I just had to learn how to be me, and this beautiful woman beneath me was going to help me to do it. I knew I hadn't seen the last of the terrors and the nightmares. This was only phase one, and things were probably going to get worse before they got better, but at least now I knew I had the light to combat my darkness. I wasn't only Effy the Destroyer. I could be good. I could be beautiful.

"Fucking hell, Eff," said Katie breathlessly, bringing us back down to earth. "I don't know what you fucking do to me, but you fucking take me somewhere else."

Welcome to Effyland.

I propped my chin up on her chest and stared lazily back up at her.

"Let's sack off the unpacking, yeah?" she suggested. "Apart from that Asda carrier bag."

"Why? What's in there?" I asked her.

"Raspberry pavlova," she winked back at me.


	32. 32 Six Seater Table

**A/N This one's for everyone, cause you're all such a bunch of darlins. Happy iconic Skins moment. I love you all xx**

**I don't own Skins, but I'd always make room for it at my table.**

32. Six Seater Table

Katie

The last of the summer had collapsed in a most spectacular fashion. It was only half three in the afternoon, but the sky was a furious black and it was pissing down so much I began to think of gathering animals two by two. But did I give a fuck? No I did not. I was listening to the rain hammering down on the skylights of my beautiful new home, lazing about on my sofa, with my beautiful girlfriend sprawled across me with her head lying on my belly. It was one of those perfect lazy Saturdays. I didn't have a gig, so we could do what the fuck we liked. We had stayed in bed shagging till about midday, then Effy had gone to get the paper whilst I'd made breakfast, and we had spent the rest of the time since then just mucking around, reading, gossiping and lying in each other's arms listening to the rain.

I fucking loved living with Effy. Things had gone spectacularly well since we'd moved in here. She had seemed to calm down loads since her body had adjusted to her new dosage and she was doing loads of work, both on her shoots for other people and on her own stuff. I could stretch and train whenever I liked, and though I still went training with other people just to socialise and hang out, I had gotten myself into a nice little daily routine at home to keep me in top shape. Effy kept making me dress up in my angel outfit and shooting video of me which she claimed was for her artwork, but seeing as those sessions would almost inevitably end in her abandoning her camera and seducing me into messy breathless sex, I had a sneaky feeling it was more for her private collection than anything else. She wouldn't let me see any of it anyway, insisting she would only show it when she was finished, before disappearing into Daisy's old room and beavering away for half the night.

I didn't even mind when the rains descended halfway through last week. I love the rain now, cause it always reminds me of being cosied away with my love, in our perfect bubble of happiness. It was so easy to get lost in Effy. So much so that I had completely forgotten what day it was until I heard the key turning in the lock. Effy lifted her head curiously from my belly, and I smiled excitedly back down at her. The terrible trio were coming home. I sniggered at the thought that I was finally going to have to come out to my sister, and wondered how I was going to go about it.

"Jesus, I can't believe we had to leave that beautiful island to come back to this," moaned Naomi as they emerged dripping through the front door. Nice to know some things don't change.

"I'm fucking soaked, man," laughed Cook, sounding like he didn't care either way.

"I'll get some towels," said Emily, ever practical, before doing a doubletake when she noticed me and Effy on the couch. It only took a second for her to breakout into a beautiful beaming grin.

"Katiekins! Effstar! Wicked!" yelled Cook, rushing over to place sloppy kisses on the tops of our heads. "It's a welcome home party."

Effy and I struggled upright as the others plonked themselves down on various chairs and cushions. No-one had made any comments as yet, but I guess they were used to seeing us with our arms round each other.

"Who fancies a brew then?" I said. "You look like you could do with it."

"Oh Katie, you're a lifesaver," sighed Naomi. "The journey from Gatwick was a nightmare."

"I'll do it," said Effy. "You say hi to Emily."

She stood up and walked around the back of the sofa, but as she did so she trailed her fingers up my arm and across my shoulders. It was the kind of simple gesture of innocent affection that was so much part of our daily lives now, but it still made me catch my breath and shut my eyes at the sensation. When I opened them again, Emily was staring right at me. Smirking.

The happy conversation of friends reunited continued to bubble on around us, as Effy made tea, Naomi rooted in her suitcase for dry clothes, and Cook checked out the flat. But in the middle of it all me and my twin managed to hold a full conversation in complete silence. She smiled and raised an eyebrow at me before glancing over towards Effy. I knew she was asking me if we had slept together, so I sighed and gave her a tiny nod of confirmation. Her smirk transformed into a genuine smile, and I knew she was ok with it. Her head nodded slightly forward with a quizzical look that I knew was asking me 'And?' I let out a long breath, and then nodded at her with a very smug grin on my face. Emily chuckled away to herself, before leaping over and dragging me into the mother of all Fitch hugs.

"Proud of you, sis," she whispered in my ear.

"Fucking love you too, Babes," I whispered back.

Effy came back with the tea, and we all sat down laughing as they told stories from their holiday, especially at some of Cook's more lurid antics, though it turned out in the end he had met a really cool girl, and she only lived in Cardiff so they were going to see each other again and see how it panned out.

"Finally met your match, eh Cookie?" Effy teased him.

"Well, she's cool. She doesn't give a fuck," he answered sheepishly. "I like that in a girl."

"Well, at least it stops him leering at my girlfriend quite so much," said Naomi, digging him playfully in the ribs.

"Can I help it if you've got top taste in totty?" countered Cook.

"So romantic, Cook," laughed Emily sarcastically. "You're turning me straight as we speak."

It was good to have them back, with their loudness, their stupid jokes and their banter. I exchanged glances with Effy to find that she was feeling the same.

"Of course, it doesn't help that Cook's new Mrs fancies Emily as well," said Naomi.

"What?" I scoffed.

"When Cook first brought her back to our chalet she found Ems wandering around in just her pants, thought she was Cook's girlfriend and he wanted them to have a threesome," laughed Naomi.

"Thing is, she was totally up for it," grinned Emily.

"No need to ask if you were up for it, Cook," said Effy.

"You know me, Eff," he chortled. "Why have one woman when you can have two?"

I looked at Emily in alarm. Surely she wasn't going back to her old ways already?

"Relax, Katie," she smiled at me. "Naomi's more than woman enough for me."

Naomi's blue eyes sparkled as she puffed her chest out with pride.

"Even if Hannah's pretty fit," teased Emily.

"Emily Fitch, you are in so much trouble," growled Naomi cheekily, leaping out of her seat to try to catch her girlfriend. But Emily was to quick for her and sprang off the sofa and headed towards her room.

"Yeah, you just love me bad," she goaded from the doorway.

Naomi collapsed into the empty space she had left in defeat.

"Yeah, I do," she admitted.

There was a moment's silence as we all took a breath from the easy banter, until a very loud "Jesus Fucking H Christ!" emerged from Emily's bedroom. My heart missed a beat, and my eyes shot over towards Effy as I remembered the state we had left the room in. I had meant to tidy up before Ems got back, but a certain someone had kept distracting me. Eff sat there, cool as a cucumber, looking the picture of innocence as the cat deftly exited the bag.

"What the fuck has been going on in my room?" said Emily, emerging back into the main space. "It looks like the scene of a natural disaster."

I blushed and stared at my hands, saying nothing. Effy on the other hand was not so reticent.

"There's a new sex tornado in town," she said coolly.

"And you've been fucking her in my bedroom?" said Emily, coming face to face with me, leaving no-one in any doubt as to who Eff was talking about.

"What? So you are shagging now then?" said Naomi, subtle as ever.

"Shagging?" said Cook, looking up from texting on his phone. "Who's been shagging?"

"Well technically, it's not your room any more," I bitchstropped back at Ems clutching at any deflection straw I could find.

Emily dropped her accusations in an instant.

"You found someone to take the room? Oh Katie, you're an angel," she said, squeezing me into another hug.

"That's what I keep telling her," smiled Effy.

"Still, I'm sure the new resident isn't gonna want you creating sex havoc in their room," said Ems. "Haven't you got your own place for that?"

"Oh I don't mind at all," said Effy. "In fact I rather enjoy it."

"You?" said Ems in surprise. "That's fucking brilliant. And Daisy's cool with that?"

"Daisy's gone," replied Effy. "She got a ten month contract in Macau."

"Fuck. So who's having her room then?" asked Emily.

So this was my moment. The moment when I formally got to announce to the sister I once persecuted for being gay that I was shacking up with another girl.

"Actually, we've turned Daisy's room into a studio for Effy," I said. "We're gonna be sleeping in your room."

"You're moving in together?" said Naomi.

"Aww, love is in the air," grinned Cook. "You finally got your muff snorkel on then, Katiekins?"

I almost went over there to smack him one, but then my mind drifted back to what I had been doing to Effy that morning, and I had to admit defeat.

"Yeah," I answered dreamily.

"You. Me. Sister time. Now," demanded Emily.

.

.

She dragged me back into her bombsite of a bedroom and shut the door. No, _my_ bombsite of a bedroom. This was my room now, mine and Effy's. But I could tell from the look in Emily's eye that I was about to get the third degree.

"You're moving in together?" she said sceptically. "Don't you think it's a little soon?"

"Yeah, cause it took you all of four days to move in with Naomi," I retorted.

"That's different," protested Emily. "We knew what we were doing."

"And I don't?" I countered crossly. "Effy and I have been living together almost as long as you have."

"Yeah, but you weren't sleeping together."

"I've been sleeping in her bed since Glastonbury. It kept happening more and more often until one day we found we were just sleeping together every night."

Emily rolled her eyes at my wilful misinterpretation of her words, but I was just trying to show her that this wasn't just some reckless decision.

"Alright then, SEX, Katie," pressed Emily. "You weren't having sex with her."

"What difference does that make?" I insisted. "I've been in love with her like, forever."

"It makes a fuck load of difference," said Em. "This isn't exactly natural for you, you're….you're straight."

"Apparently not," I quipped.

"Look, I've been with straight girls," said Emily patiently. "I know what it's like. They're all over you for the first few weeks and then….I just don't want to see either of you getting hurt. I just want you to be happy, Katie."

"I seem to remember coming out with exactly that same bullshit when I was trying to convince you you were straight," I laughed. "Effy isn't a phase, Ems, I fucking love her. She's not a fucking experiment either. I know I fucking love her."

"I know you two have something special. I'm not putting that down, I'm just…"

"No, Emily," I interrupted her firmly. "This is what I want. I don't care if I'm straight for the rest of the world or not, but when it comes to Effy, I'm as gay as a fucking window. I fucking love living with her, and for your information I fucking love fucking her too. I love everything about it. I love her body, and I love what she does to me. I love it when she fucks me slowly, I love it when she takes me hard. I love it when she sucks my tits and when her beautiful fingers make me come like a supersonic fucking jet. I love the taste of her cunt. I love the way I can make her scream. I love how fucking good it feels when I'm inside her. I love her tits, I love her bum. I love the feel of my tongue deep in her mouth. I love being covered in her sweat and her cum. I love the animal in her. I love feeling so dirty and so beautiful all at the same time. I love it when her eyes go black. I love it that she wants me all the fucking time. I love it that I can't resist her when she does. I love giving her my body and knowing I can trust her when I do. Sex with Effy is the best sex I've ever had in my life, cause every time she fucks me I can feel how much she loves me, and every time I make her come I feel like a fucking superstar. I never want to stop touching her like, ever, cause she's my girl."

"Right. Ok," said a slightly shell shocked looking Emily. "That was….convincing. I'm sold. Congratulations."

I clasped my hands over my mouth at how much I'd just revealed of myself to my sister.

"I'm never going to be able to think first and talk later, am I?" I said sheepishly.

"I wouldn't have you any other way,' replied Emily, pulling me into a hug.

We still had our arms round each other as we staggered back out into the living area giggling.

"You two been smoking?" asked Cook. "How's about it Katiekins. You wouldn't hold out on yer old mate, Cookie would ya?"

"I don't have any spliff, mate," I assured him.

"How's about a beer?" he grinned hopefully.

"We don't have any alcohol in the house.'

"What the fuck? Guess we'll have to break out the old duty free then," he said, pulling an enormous bottle of Absolut from a plastic bag by his chair.

"And Omar downstairs has always got some spliff," said Emily, pulling out her phone to dial his number.

"I'll get some glasses," announced Naomi, wandering over to the kitchen. "Where do you keep your glasses?"

I looked across at Effy to make sure she was ok with the impromptu party that seemed to be developing.

"It's cool," she said quietly. "I'll handle it."

"No vodka for me and Eff," I told a somewhat startled Naomi as she arranged the glasses on the coffee table. The three holidaymakers exchanged puzzled glances between themselves.

"And in other news…" announced Effy wryly. "I'm coming off my medication, which means absolutely no booze or drugs of any kind until I've completed the programme."

"And I'm being supportive girlfriend, so I'm on the wagon too," I said, taking her hand.

I caught Emily's eye to find her looking up at me with absolute love and admiration.

"You're fucking amazing," she said.

I had spent so much of this year being jealous of Emily. Jealous of the way she fitted in so easily at Abandon. Jealous of her relationship with Anthea. Jealous of the love she had found with Naomi. Jealous of the way she seemed cooler and braver than me in every way. But now I realised that I had all of those things and more, including my sister's respect, because of _her_, because of Effy. Because she loved me.

"And the added bonus is," I said proudly. "That you lot all get to get mashed up whilst me and Effy entertain ourselves by cooking you dinner."

I was rewarded by one of Cook's magnificent howls.

"Hang onto this one, Eff," he said. "She's a fuckin' keeper."

"I know," replied Effy.

Half an hour later Eff and I were running our domestic bliss routine in the kitchen area whilst our mates got progressively more wasted.

"Emily's right, you know," said Effy, snaking her arms around me from behind. "You are fucking amazing."

I spun round in her arms and we melted into a gorgeous kiss. I felt her hips pushing me back into the counter as her tongue ran gently between my lips. I opened my mouth to let her in. Of course I did, I belonged to her. I could taste the orange and watermelon juice she had just been drinking, and I curled my hands round the back of her head to pull her closer. I started to lose myself in her. The way she kissed me was dizzyingly perfect, soft yet with that ever present hint of the carnal. Her hands started to slip under the edge of my top, and the whirling sensation in my belly started to travel down between my legs. It didn't take long. It never takes her long to draw me from affection into desire. I started to moan slightly beneath her lips, and became acutely aware of how close our hips were pressed together, and how hers had started to gently move against my own. I was vaguely aware there was an outside world with a house full of guests somewhere, but all I could think about was the incredible feeling of her mouth moving with mine, and just how desperately I wanted her hands to start creeping across my torso and touch my….

It was the sound of the potatoes boiling over that brought me back, and I broke away to bring them back under control. The laughter of my sister and our friends penetrated my consciousness, as Effy let her hand trace a lingering dance across my ass.

"Fuck me, Eff," I said as I resumed my cooking.

"Later," she grinned at me, her blue eyes filled with a glittering promise. "We have to feed the family first."

.

.

.

I tried desperately to hold onto that sense of warmth, comfort, family and home as I braced myself to walk into the lion's den the next day. Into the place that had always felt so welcoming until now. Home. It was Sunday afternoon, time for another one of the infamous Fitch Family dinners. I had sat through so many of these torturous events, pushing my mother's inedible cooking around the plate and waiting for the inevitable descent into screaming match as she and Emily went into battle and my dad and James looked helplessly on. Except this time it was different. Naomi was the fucking guest of honour, and I was the one with the guilty little secret. Did I owe it to Effy to come clean, or was I better off just keeping her out of the firing line? And would Jenna really be able to keep her cool with an actual girlfriend in her precious house? I wished I was back in Hackney sharing sweet kisses with my honey. Hell, I wished I was stuck in a broken down tube in rush hour. I wished I was any fucking where but here.

As soon as I was through the door I was ambushed by James informing me that Emily's girlfriend was 'hot as fuck' and he wanted to 'shag the tits off her'. I walked into the living room to find Emily and Naomi already on the sofa nursing cups of tea looking incredibly pleased with themselves, as Dad wittered on to them about some new machine down at the gym they simply had to try.

"Very good for the upper body, Naomi," he insisted. "Keep you nice and strong so you won't drop our Emsy on her head."

Naomi took off her cardigan to show Rob her arm definition, which prompted another outburst of filth from James's mouth.

"Sort him out for me, Katie," said Ems.

"Shut the fuck up, worm," I obliged, smacking him round the back of his head.

"That fucking hurt, bitch," moaned James.

"Well, if you'd kept up the exercise like I told you, you'd be able to beat the girls by now," sighed Rob.

"You can't beat them," whined James. "They're aerialists. They're like crazy robots. Crazy superhuman robots."

"Katie, how lovely," said Mum, entering from the kitchen looking like she'd just been supergluing her smile in place. "Isn't this nice, all the family together, and welcome Naomi."

I could see she was really trying, but honestly, the insincerity was oozing out of every pore. Emily and Naomi didn't seem to mind, they were to busy shooting hot little glances between themselves, and laughing at some kind of in joke.

"Shall we go through to the dining table," said Jenna with her terrifying smile. "Dinner's nearly ready."

"Great," said Naomi with an enthusiasm none of the rest of us could muster. "I'm starving."

Yeah, and you'll still be starving after this fucking ordeal, babe, I thought. You'd think Emily would have warned her to eat a massive breakfast. Emily hung back and came up to me as we wandered through.

"Are you going to tell them?" she asked me, touching my arm supportively.

By 'them', I knew that she meant 'her'. Dad and James wouldn't give a fuck, but Mum would probably implode from the pressure of a second freak for a daughter.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Well whatever," shrugged Em. "I've got your back."

We made it through the soup course without any major drama, the only dodgy moment being when Naomi realised that if she had been served up a cocktail of washing up water and piss, it would have tasted better than Jenna's finest offering. Emily whispered in her girlfriend's ear no doubt introducing her to our tried and tested method of appearing to get more soup from the tureen whilst surreptitiously pouring most of it back. My suspicions were confirmed a moment later, when Naomi complimented Jenna on her cooking and reached over to help herself to more. For a moment a hint of a genuine smile almost superceded the fake one before Jenna remembered that this was the dirty dyke who was sticking it to her little girl, and the superglue mask slipped back into place.

The main course of adzuki bean and turnip roast, which no doubt would have been a delight if fashioned by her own mother's skilful hands proved another test of courage for Naomi. However, now forewarned she managed to distract Jenna from the fact that she wasn't eating it at all, by answering all of her questions with great detail and enthusiasm, talking animatedly about the circus, how well we had done this year, how they were working on funding bids and planning for next year. I watched in amazement as I saw Jenna actually being slowly drawn in by her charm. Though it must be said, Naomi is fucking smart, and charismatic and a lot more on the ball than some of the dodgy fuckers Emily has shagged in her time. Ems was grinning proudly at her girlfriend, Dad was listening to her with a genuine smile on his face, and James, James was just kind of drooling.

"Well, you seem like a very motivated young woman," said Jenna, trying to hide the surprise in her voice.

"I believe in what I do," charmed Naomi. "And working with Emily just makes it even better."

"Well, it's good to know our Emily's in 'safe hands' so to speak," joked Jenna.

I know I should have been happy for Emily, now that she was finally starting to be accepted for who she was, but this fake-ass sugary shit my Mum was coming out with was making me want to vomit. And I had an uneasy feeling that the whole fucking shit storm would stir up again if I told her about Effy.

"So…" said Jenna, turning towards me. I felt myself squirming in my seat. I knew what was fucking coming next. She could never just fucking let it lie. I suddenly hated her for bringing me up with the notion that I wasn't a complete person unless I had a man in my life.

"What about you, Katie. Any nice young men on the horizon?"

"No," I answered sullenly.

"Aww, Katie," simpered Mum, taking my hand. "I know you loved him, but you can't go on moping over Brian forever."

"Brian was a fucking dickwad," I spat, snatching my hand back from her. "And I don't need a fucking boyfriend."

"Katie sweetheart, there's no need for that type of language at the dinner table," scolded Jenna. "We have guests."

"It's fucking Naomi," I protested. "She fucking swears just as much as me. Especially when Emily's…"

"Enough," said Jenna firmly, locking down any hint of what Emily might be doing to Naomi. "I'm only thinking of you. I don't want you to be lonely. Especially now that Emily's moving away."

"I'm not lonely," I countered. "I've got Effy."

"You know that's not the same," spat Jenna, her eyes growing icy cold at the mention of Effy's name. Even though the results might have been positive, I knew she had not forgotten her humiliation at Effy's hands. But I was fucking angry now. I couldn't resist goading her further.

"I still don't see why Effy couldn't come to dinner," I scowled.

"Cause this is a family dinner, for family," Jenna attempted to reason, her superglue smile starting to crack.

"Fucking Naomi's here," I spat at her. "What's the fucking difference?"

"This is a six seater table, Katie. What do you want me to do?" said Jenna in exasperation.

Emily and Naomi erupted into giggles, and then desperately tried to cover it up. I knew those fuckers had been up to something.

"Besides, Naomi is Emily's girlfriend," said Jenna trying to soldier bravely on. "And we are welcoming her to the family."

"Effy's _my_ fucking girlfriend, you knob," I yelled.

Suddenly the whole room fell silent and everyone was staring at me. It was no mean feat silencing the entire Fitch family. I'm not sure what cracked it. The fact that I'd just come out, or the fact that I'd called my mother a knob whilst doing it. I had no option but to tough it out.

"What?" I said belligerently. It was James who broke the silence.

"Whoa, TWO lezzer sisters," he cried in delight. "That's got to be like the mintest thing ever. Is Effy as fit as Naomi?"

"She's well fit," I smiled at him. "But tell me you want to shag the tits off her and you'll be singing falsetto for the rest of your days."

"Don't be ridiculous, Katie," said Jenna.

"What's ridiculous about it? Effy's gorgeous," I asserted.

"_You're_ being ridiculous," insisted Jenna. "You're not….like Emily. You're just doing this because she's getting all the attention."

"Jesus Mum, you still can't even say the fucking word, can you?" Emily pitched in.

"For Christ's sake, I'm trying Emily," shrieked Jenna. "Katie isn't helping by making things up about her and that girl."

"She's not making it up," said Emily calmly. "They love each other, like fierce, you know?"

"I don't like her," said Jenna. "There's something not right about her. And she's clearly a bad influence on your sister."

"Wow," said Naomi. "So am I like the 'good' lesbian now?"

"Katie Fitch, you apologise right now," said Jenna menacingly.

"I'm not apologising for shit," I shouted back at her. "I'm fucking Effy, and I fucking like it, so shove it up your tits."

With that I stormed out, leaving the chaos behind me. Ten minutes later, I was shivering my tits off in the pissing rain at the bus stop, when I saw my Dad's car pull up, and watched him get out and run over to me.

"I'm not fucking going back there," I said before he had the chance to speak. "I'm not going to let her pull the same shit on me as she did on Emily."

"Your mother's not good with change," he said placatingly. "She needs time to adjust."

"It took her nine fucking years to adjust to Emily."

"Anyway, I've not come to take you back. I've come to give you a ride home. Ems and Naomi are in the back, and the weather's pissing awful."

"Thanks Dad," I said softly. "I'm sorry I yelled."

"It's ok, Katie love. For what it's worth, I thought Effy was a lovely girl when I met her. Helping us look for your mother and that, especially on her birthday."

"I love her Dad. I really do."

"That's all I need to hear, sweetheart," he said, taking my hand and leading me towards the car.

My Dad. Rob Fitch. Legend in a tight fitting T-shirt with a bad pun slogan on the front.

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The smell was the first thing I noticed as I opened the door to the flat. Enticing aromas of the sub-continent filling the entire space with the gorgeous promise of delicious and nutritious curry. Then I saw the mountains of full take-away containers piled up on the table, offering up their delights. Then I saw my beautiful girlfriend smirking at me from the sofa.

"From what I've heard of Jenna's cooking, I thought you guys might be hungry. So I ordered in," she smiled.

Emily and Naomi fell straight upon the food like vultures, but I had something even more delicious to attend to. I jumped onto the sofa and right on top of her.

"Effy Stonem, I fucking love you, and I want to have great big filthy gay sex with you," I said.

I kissed her and kissed her until a loud thud distracted me from my purpose.

"That's just Cook, falling over himself trying to get his phone out so he can video you," said Emily with her mouth full of Dhansak and chapatti.

"Didn't you get enough pornos when you were on holiday with these two?" laughed Effy.

"You can never get enough lezzer sex," protested Cook.

For the first time in my life I was inclined to agree with him. I had taken on the dragon lady for my love, and had almost come out unscathed.

It wasn't until much later, when I held her in my arms in the moonlight, that the wounds began to surface.

"It is real, isn't it?" I asked her.

"You're asking _me_ what's real," laughed Effy. "I'm not exactly the best judge of that."

"But this, us? This is real?"

Effy disentangled herself from me and crawled up my body till she could look me in the eye.

"Sometimes, it's the only thing that's real," she said. "No matter how fucking crazy I am, no matter how far away I go. _This_ is my constant. _This_ is what always brings me back."

"Jenna thinks you're the spawn of fucking Satan," I told her.

"That would make Anthea the devil," she smiled. "She'd like that. And you, what do you think I am?"

"You're my fucking everything," I answered honestly.

Effy placed the sweetest of chaste kisses on my lips.

"You're my fucking everything too," she replied.

My heart nearly beat itself out of my breast. This was Effy after all. And Effy is always right.


	33. 33 The Disembodied Brain

**A/N Have you ever heard the phrase "That was eventful"? Of course you have. Well things are about to get pretty damn eventful on FF any moment now. If you check out the author 'Predators and Prey' you will discover that a crouching tiger is about to be released. A beast of a Naomily story is about to burst all over a screen near you. Not two, not three but seventeen, you heard me, seventeen (and rising) of FF's finest writers have come together to bring you a sizzling tale that could go literally anywhere. A combination of heavy hitters, fresh new talent, and willing sinners all brave enough to play the game. Not only have we managed to coax some fine talent out of 'retirement', but Heather Hogan herself will be joining the fun. Read it if you dare…resist it if you can. No-one can resist the power of The Game.**

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**Back to 99 Problems, and poor Effy is about to enter the 'worse' part of 'gets worse before it gets better'. I'm not a fan of angst for angst's sake, but having read what people have to go through to come off medication, I feel I have to be true to their experiences. Effy still has her angel though. Not everyone is so lucky, and my thoughts are with them. **

**And sj if you're still reading this, get in touch and let me know you're ok. I don't like it when people disappear.**

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33. The Disembodied Brain

Effy

I've been standing here looking at this fucking road for ages now. Ten minutes? Twenty minutes? I don't fucking know. I know I need to get to the other side, but I can't fucking make it work, you know? They're moving too fast, and the noise keep cutting through my head like a buzz saw. There's too many colours and I can't fucking think. I can't separate them enough. Just enough to decide when to step out into the road. I can't calculate the distances. Every time I think I've got enough room another one comes bearing down upon me and I can't even lift my leg to run. The fucking stupid thing is that in the time I've been standing here, dozens of people have accomplished this seemingly impossible task with ease. People with huge bags of shopping, people with babies in buggies, people talking on their mobile phones, even fucking little kids have managed it. But I'm still fucking stood here like the nutjob that I am, unable to do the things a ten year old can do. So much for super perception, there's just too much information and I can't work it out. I feel like I'm in one of those music videos where they do special effects and the singer is in normal time, whilst everything else rushes past them at super speed. No-one stops, no-one cares, no-one wants to know. If I was an old lady someone would have helped me across the road by now. If I was on crutches they would have stopped the traffic to let me pass. But no one can see my fucking injury, to them I look just like a normal healthy young woman. It's not like I can even ask for help. This is London. If you try to talk to a stranger they look at you like a lunatic. I guess in my case they would be right.

We took my dosage down again a few days ago and for a while it seemed to be fine, but gradually the world has just got louder and more confusing, and there's no connection between the things I see and the part of my brain that helps me understand them. Fuck, even the hallucinations were better than this, at least you know what to do when you're being chased by monsters. The real world is just too fucking complicated and too bright without the filter of the drugs or the voices. I just don't know what to do. In former times I would have given up, and just let this new storm take me. But now it's different. Now I know I have to fight. I gather myself to try again. I have to. I have to keep trying. I love someone, and that's what makes the difference.

I move closer to the kerb. I try to concentrate. Deep breathing and all that shit. I have to make sense of this somehow. But no, fucking no. It just gets fucking worse. I still can't understand the movement of the cars, but now I can't even seem to understand the movement of my own body. I look down at my hand and I'm not even sure it is my own hand. I just don't feel connected. It's like I only exist within a disembodied brain that floats around in isolation desperately shouting at the rest of the world, but the rest of the world can't hear. How could it? The brain isn't connected to a mouth.

"Are you ok?" a voice comes cutting through the bedlam.

Somehow the brain and body manage to spin in unison to be met by the sight of a scruffy blonde haired skater boy, board under his arm, seventeen or so and cute as fuck.

"Joe?" I ask him.

He looks confused for a moment, before settling himself.

"No, my name's Dean," he says. "Are you alright? You were kind of shouting."

Someone heard. Thank fuck for that, someone heard.

"I can't cross the road," I explained.

"Why not?" asked Dean.

Ok, so obviously not that good of an explanation.

"I'm sick," I elaborated. "Sometimes my brain doesn't work properly and I can't process things right. I can't see the world working the way other people do."

"That's gotta suck," said Dean sympathetically.

I smiled weakly. He was sweet. He calmed me down a little.

"Right now I can't work out when the cars are coming," I said. "I don't know when it's safe."

"Do you want me to help you?" he offered.

"Please," I said with heartfelt gratitude. "I've been here for fucking ages."

"What's your name?"

"Effy."

"That's a nice name. Come on then, Effy. Let's be chickens."

"What?"

"Chickens. As in 'why did the chicken cross the road?'"

"Oh, a joke. Right."

"I'm sorry," says Dean, holding out his hand. "Do you not get jokes? My cousin's autistic, he doesn't get jokes either."

"Oh I get jokes," I answer. "I think I fucking am one."

"Don't be like that, Effy," he says.

I love his little concerned face.

"It'll be alright when we get to the other side," he assures me.

I take his hand and he waits, looking to the left and the right, waiting for a gap. One finally comes and he steps out into the road, but I find myself rooted to the spot.

"No," I scream out at him.

"It's ok, Effy," he says, turning back to me.

I look at him. I look at the traffic. I don't understand.

"How are you not getting hit?" I ask him.

"Because there's room," he replies. "Or at least there was."

He dodges an oncoming car and hops back onto the pavement beside me.

"I can help you," he says, looking straight at me with muddy green eyes. "But you have to come with me."

I stare back at him, trying to decide if I can trust him. I'm scared, but I'm not hallucinating. I can still read people. I look into his eyes and find nothing but kindness there.

"Ok," I say quietly.

He puts his arm around me, and we start the dance again. He waits, and then gently squeezes my shoulder before guiding me out onto the carriageway. There's still too much noise and colour, and I'm still terrified of being hit. Images of Tony lying in the road covered in blood start flooding through my brain, and I start hyperventilating. I can feel Dean's grip tightening as I start struggling against him. It's not that I mean to, I just can't seem to control my limbs, and I start freaking out. By the time we get to the other side, he practically has to manhandle me onto the pavement.

"It's ok, it's ok. We've made it. We're safe. Don't panic."

I can hear his voice but it sounds like it's a thousand miles away. I can't seem to stop shaking, and my legs give way and I collapse onto the pavement.

"Effy, Effy," I hear him calling, trying to get through to me.

I look up to see that his little concerned face has grown into a great big fucking scared as fuck face.

"Effy, what should I do?" he asks, holding me, stroking my hair. "Should I call an ambulance?"

"No," I say forcefully, wrenching myself from his grasp and backing away against a wall. "They'll only put me back on the fucking drugs, and I need to get away from that shit."

"Ok, ok," he says, his hands making ridiculous calming gestures. "Is there someone we can call?"

My panic is stilled for a moment. Of course there fucking is. I have a guardian angel, don't I?

"My girlfriend," I tell him. "We can call my girlfriend."

I reach into my jacket and pull out my phone. Katie will come. Katie will know what to do. I manage to press the screen on, but then the shaking starts again. I'm looking at the stupid display and all I can see is a random mess of colours. Fuck my stupid fuckwit of a half brain. I start stabbing at the screen randomly, hoping I can somehow make it work.

"Fucking stupid, fucking thing," I shout as my efforts get me no nearer to my angel.

I feel Dean's hands on mine, as he gently takes the phone from me.

"What's her name?" he says. "I'll call her."

"Katie," I tell him. Even saying her name helps the shaking subside a little. "Katie Fitch."

He makes the call and she answers almost immediately. I can hear her strident voice from here.

"Effy, where the fuck are you? You've been like fucking forever," she says.

I can only picture her shock when a male voice replies.

"My name's Dean," he tells her. "I'm with Effy. She's in a bad way. I think she needs your help."

I hear him giving her instructions to where we are, and then he's quickly back by my side.

"She'll only be a minute," he says gently. "We're really near to where you live."

In a brief moment of clarity I'm able to look at my surroundings. It hits me like a punch in the gut. All this fucking time and I'm only five hundred yards away from where I live.

"Fucking bastard fucking cocking shitting bastard fucking hell," I scream violently, smashing my head back into the wall in frustration relishing the momentary relief of the pain. "I don't want to fucking be like this any more. Why do I have to be such a useless waste of space?"

"You're not a waste of space," says Dean soothingly.

Stupid seventeen-year-old little smart assed cunt. What does he know?

"You have someone who loves you, and that's never a waste," he says.

"Joe?" I say, scrabbling towards him. "Do you still love me, Joe?"

"I'm not Joe, I'm Dean," he says. "But I care about you too."

"Why?" I shouted through the tremors. "Why the fuck do you care?"

"Because nobody deserves to be abandoned when they're in trouble," he says, his strong arms doing their best to quell the shaking. I push him away in anger.

"Who the fuck are you? Saint Dean of fucking Hackney?"

He doesn't shout back at me. He just does little concerned face again. God, he is stupidly cute. Little concerned face gets even more concerned, but I can't focus on it. I can't seem to control my eyes. Or the rest of my face. My mouth twists up and I can't hold my head still. The muscles seem to have a life of their own, a life where they have necked a load of pills and are dancing like Pandora. My heartrate soars through the roof and the panic is starting to crush me. I find myself struggling to breath.

"My face?" I manage to squeeze out between spasms. "What the fuck is going wrong with my face?"

"Withdrawal dyskinesia aggravated by supersensitivity, Babes," comes the voice of a fucking angel.

I find myself being taken from a masculine embrace into a strong, powerful, feminine one. I burst into tears, tears of relief, but my body and face are still wracked by unnerving contractions.

"What's fucking wrong with me?" I sob into her chest.

"It's a side effect, Babes," she tells me. "We know what this is. We talked to Julia, remember? Parts of your brain are actually changing shape because of the changes in chemical order. They're confused, so they are sending out fucked up signals till they get used to it. I can get you through this. Just stay with me, hun."

She takes my hand and puts it over her heart.

"Breathe with me, Effy. Just try and follow my rhythm. That's all you need to do right now."

I do as she says, and just try to concentrate on those two simple things. The feel of her heart under my hand and the rhythm of her breath. Slowly the confusion seems to ebb away, the noise and the colours seem less invasive and I zone everything down till it's just me and her. Just being, just touching, just breathing. The seizures seem to come less frequently and less violently, and my face begins to calm down from its frenzy. She doesn't speak for ages, just let's everything be physical, simple, understandable. It's only once I've stopped shaking completely that she starts whispering beautiful words. Telling me how much she loves me, and how wonderful and brave I am. I believe the first sentiment. I don't believe the second, but I'm too exhausted and helpless to argue with her. It's pretty much all I can do just to let her hold me and bring me slowly back to life. Gradually, the rest of the world begins to make an appearance. Sounds become normal again, shapes come into focus but they don't glare into my retinas as if scorching them. The many accents and languages of the London street begin to form their music in my ears. I can feel my fingers and my toes. The disembodied brain starts slowly to reconnect, to feel, to understand the world it's floating in. My senses co-ordinate and finally begin to make…. well, sense. Which only causes me to understand exactly where my hand is. Instinctively I slide it down from where it rests so I can cup the rest of her breast.

"Ok, definitely feeling better then, Eff?" smirks Katie.

She takes my finally peaceful face in her hands, and examines me closely with her beautiful brown eyes.

"Are you back?" she asks me.

"I think so," I reply, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Anyone else in there?"

"Only you and me, Babes."

The repetition of our mantra is the final jolt that brings my battered self back into the light. It's like a talisman, a safe space and a kick up the ass all in one. I look back into the face of my protector, so that she can see she doesn't have to worry any more.

"Can we go home now?" I ask her.

"Of course we can, Babes," she answers.

I fucking love the way she calls me Babes. I know she does it to everyone, but she has a special inflection when she says it to me. It makes my heart lurch every time. If anyone else had calls me baby or sweetheart or honey, I blow smoke in their face and walked out of the room. But Katie is Katie, and I don't want her to be anyone else. She is a singularity, an anomaly, even though she is a twin she is so fucking unique. I can't imagine what my life would be without her, or rather I all too easily can. Without her I would probably have been back to the hospital by now. Instead I have work, I have friends, I have a lover and I have a home. She enlists the help of Saint Dean of Hackney and between them they half walk and half carry me back to the flat. She wants to put me to bed, telling me I look exhausted, but I want to be near her. I need to be near her. So instead she parks me on the sofa and I doze, slipping in and out of consciousness hearing snippets of her, watching her pacing around. I hear her explaining my illness to Dean, talking to Dr Karpenko on the phone. I watch her as she calls Anthea, and Emily, and Tony and hugs Dean goodbye like he's a brother. I listen as she talks and talks and talks, knowing that it's her way of relieving the stress of what I've just put her through. And at the end of it all I watch her walk over to me and wrap herself around me.

She holds me for the rest of the day, and I remember why I'm putting myself through this shit. My brain may still be trying to work out its dimensions but my heart is already Katie-shaped.

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**Now go check out Predators and Prey you lucky, lucky people.**


	34. 34 The Disobedient Body

**A/N This chapter has to be dedicated to ****XxkoeyxX,** **who pretty much read all of IHAFICC and 99 Problems in one go over the past few days and left me comments on almost every chapter. Such dedication should be rewarded, so this one's for you. Much love, Hypes xx**

**And thanks to everyone who has supported me over showing the rough side of Effy's withdrawal. It's not over yet.**

**I don't own Skins, but I consistently forgive it for its sins.**

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34. The Disobedient Body

Effy

"Well look who it isn't."

As soon as I hear her voice I feel as if someone had plunged an ice cold knife into my gut.

"I see they let you out then, or did you escape?'

Now they are twisting the knife and shredding my internal organs.

"Or is this 'care in the community'? I know that times are tough, maybe they're having to shut the loony bins."

Now they are pulling the knife up towards my chest and cutting me in two.

"What's the matter, Stonem? Cat got your tongue? Oh wait, that's right, you never fucking speak do you? That's because there's nothing fucking in there except shit. Fucking crazy bitch."

She punctuates her last sentence by tapping me on the forehead three times. And I just stand there and let her. What else can I do? It's taking everything I have just to keep myself from freaking out. I shouldn't have gone out. Katie told me to stay at home until she got back from training, but the shaking had come back. It wasn't as bad as before, but I needed some fucking cigarettes. But then of all the people to run into in the vastness that is London, I had to run into her. Amber. The girl I had hit with a rock. She has never forgiven me and I can see it in her eyes. They are spitting little black daggers at me so fast, I'm having trouble not to physically flinch. She knows I wasn't well when all of that kicked off, but she doesn't care. I left her scarred, and she fucking hates me.

She hasn't done too badly by it judging by the hulk of a boyfriend whose arm she is currently hanging off, but still she wants to punish me. And I want to let her. I should just run, get away from her as fast as possible, but part of me wants to let her vent. I am guilty. For the first time in my life I'm glad that Katie isn't here. Her violent tendencies coupled with her urge to protect me would have Amber begging to just be hit by a rock. She would be lucky to escape with her life. Amber rants for a few minutes longer about 'fucking nutters', whilst me and the hulk stand silently. He actually starts to give me an apologetic smile, but he'd never let Amber see it. I'm not even really listening to her, I'm too busy trying to control the shakes. Fucking Dyskinesia, it's so frustrating to be at the mercy of my body like this. I really should just fucking get out of here, go home, be safe. But if I let Amber get this shit she's been carrying all these years out of her system, maybe she can start to feel a little better about herself. It's the hulk who crumbles first.

"Come on sweetcheeks," he says. "Why don't we go shopping and I'll get you something nice?'

The prospect of shiny things is enough to break Amber from her tirade, and she simpers towards him. And yet this show is put on for my benefit. Look what I can get. Isn't he fine? Bet you don't have anything as fine as this. Well sorry to disappoint you, Amber, but I have something way finer. They disappear, and the effort of maintaining the mask finally gets to me. I collapse onto the pavement, and sit there breathing deeply, trying to regain control. People step around and over me as I try to open my packet of fags with my trembling hands. Just another loony, lost on the streets of London. The cigarette calms me, but not enough. Memories of that terrible night start to invade my conscious mind no matter how hard I try to keep them out. If I had told the truth back then, if I had gotten help instead of running away like I did, life might have been so very fucking different. If only Mum had been the woman she is today things might have been so very fucking different. I want to cry for all the years I have lost, for all the things I could have done, for all the fucking drugs that have been pumped into my body, the poison that was fucking me up so badly now. I have to get off the street. I have to get home before I lose it. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with an army of demons creeping up behind me, all itching to just give me a push.

Somehow I drag myself to my feet and manage to stagger back towards the warehouse. Even though it's only a few streets, I am exhausted from the effort by the time I get there. I hate how this fucking withdrawal makes even the most basic of missions feel like I'm climbing Mount Everest. I feel my face start to tighten and twitch again and I slap myself trying to stop it. That's when I smell it. That sweet fucking smell that calls to me through the fog of my brain fuckery. The sweet fucking smell of seduction. I look over till I find the source. Omar is sat on a deckchair outside his door, smoking a big fat spliff. I know I should just carry on up the fire escape, but I don't. My disobedient body walks right over to him. My encounter with Amber has put the shits up me, and I need something to calm down.

"Giz a hit on that," I say, hoping that Katie hasn't warned him off me. It seems like I'm in luck.

"Have a seat," grins Omar, and passes me the spliff.

I take an enormous drag, realising too late that his joint is really fucking strong. I know I should breathe out quickly before it affects me too much, but I don't. Habit makes me hold it for as long as I can, letting the toxic smoke do its worst. I know I should give it straight back to him, but I don't. I can feel the tension in my muscles start to slip from the first hit. It feels like I haven't been relaxed for days. It's a beautiful feeling, and I want more.

And more. Exciting new withdrawal symptom number eight hundred and fifty fucking three. Dissociative disorder. It's like I'm watching myself doing all these wrong things, and I know that I probably shouldn't be doing them, but I can't do anything about it. The body reacts on its own, and the body wants to get fucking hammered. It's weary, it's tired of the struggle, it just wants to fucking chill.

"Got any to sell?" I ask Omar.

"Always" he replies with a cheeky grin.

We do the deal, and I know I should just go home and not let this shit get out of hand, but I don't. I don't want to be reminded of what a wreck I am. I don't want to feel the guilt of what Katie will think of me. I want to go out into the world and be free. So I let the body go and follow where it leads me. Out onto the streets. Under the railway bridge. Down the alleyway. Across the wasteground to the skate park. No-one will mind if I'm smoking here. I can watch the boys do their tricks and get stoned out of my tiny useless mind. So I sit and I smoke, and I watch a few looks start to pass between them. I know that look. That look has followed me round ever since I was a girl, and long before it was appropriate for men to look at me that way. It is why I perfected my patented bored and disinterested look. I had to have some kind of barrier between me and their hunger. Otherwise I would have been hounded every minute of the day. The boys are young, and they're nervous, but I know it won't be too long before one of them musters up the courage to approach me. I used to love playing with their barely contained desires, but now it's of no interest to me. I have someone. And she matters.

I spark up another spliff and shut my eyes once I have taken a drag. If I pretend I'm not here maybe they won't notice me. No such luck of course. I hear the sound of footsteps approaching, and brace myself for the onslaught.

"Hey Effy, how are you doing?" comes a voice.

When I open my eyes I can't help the smile that slides across my face. Saint Dean of Hackney. Come to save me again.

"Better," I say, offering him the spliff, which he gratefully accepts.

"You look it," he says with genuine warmth. "I'm glad."

We sit and smoke in easy silence and I am grateful for his company, until I notice a group of three other lads, pointing and laughing and making rude gestures at us. Dean follows my eye line and shakes his head.

"My so called mates," he says. "Bunch of tossers. I swear if any of us did get anywhere with a girl the rest of us would ruin it for him. Not that I'd ever stand a chance with someone as beautiful as you. Or as gay as you."

He mutters the last sentence nervously, so I wouldn't get the impression he was trying to get off with me with the whole 'beautiful' thing.

"Wanna get out of here?" I offer. "Make them jealous?"

"Sure," he says, standing up and offering me his hand. "Wankers are winding me up anyway."

We walk off, seeing where the fancy takes us. I'm pretty fucking stoned and it feels fucking great. It's not that big of a leap to stop at the next off-licence and buy beers for him and vodka for me. And not that big of a leap for me to start drinking it like water.

We find ourselves on top of a bank down by the canal, and the world feels so much nicer now. I've wrapped myself in a blanket of spirits and all the fear and the pain and the shaking has been washed away, as if by magic, and all that exists is this glorious stress free moment. The unfettered beauty of pure animal existence. I glance across at Dean and I see the look. He hides it well, but I am me and I see everything. It amuses me, and I decide to play.

"Do you want to fuck me, Dean?" I ask him.

He remains unfazed by the question. He even sighs before answering.

"I'm a seventeen year old boy, Eff," he says wearily. "Of course I want to fuck you. But then again, I pretty much want to fuck anything in a skirt right now."

"Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel special," I say deadpan.

"I don't mean it like that," he says, starting to get a little flustered. "You're well fit and that, but just because you want something doesn't mean you should always do it."

"Why not?" I taunt.

"Because you're sick, and I care about you. Because you only like me cause I remind you of your ex-boyfriend. Because you have a girlfriend and she really fucking loves you, and if you weren't so fucking shit-faced you'd remember that you love her too."

"Calm down," I reply. "I'm only messing with you."

Saint fucking Dean. I'm angry with him cause he won't play my games. He won't let himself be manipulated by my mysterious fucking beauty. He's right, I don't really want him, but I do want the power. It's another one of my drugs of choice. I take another huge slug of the vodka, and start rolling another spliff.

"You've got an iPhone haven't ya?" he says in a random change of subject. "Have you got any good apps on it?"

I shrug non-commitally. I am so not interested in my stupid fucking phone.

"Mind if I have a look?" he says

I reach into my pocket and casually toss it towards him. Let the little boy amuse himself with the toy. He fiddles around with it for a while.

"They're all sort of art and film ones," he says. "Are you an artist?"

Katie thinks I'm an artist. She tells me all the time. But we're not thinking about Katie, are we? I know I am letting her down with every drag and every swallow I take, but the problem is now I'm here I don't know how to stop. So I carry on. Another swig, another swallow, another drag and I'm lying on my back in the grass staring at the clouds. I'm vaguely aware of Dean standing up and holding my phone to his ear, but I pay him little attention. Until I hear him speak and I realise who he's calling. My fucking girlfriend. All that iPhone bullshit was just a ruse to get hold of her number.

"Katie, it's Dean," he says. "I'm with Effy, and I think there's something going on with her. She's stoned out of her mind and she's drunk over half a bottle of vodka. She's fucked up and I think you should come and get her."

"Don't you dare, you little shit," I shout as I hear him starting to give her directions to where we are.

I stagger to my feet, but he dances away from me. I make a grab for the phone but he holds it out of my reach.

"I don't want her to come here," I tell him.

I don't want her to see me like this.

"Effy, you're not well," he protests. "You need her to come here."

He brings the phone to his ear, and starts to talk to Katie again.

"No!" I say, shoving him hard, and watching him as he tumbles down the bank.

"Fuck," he cries as he hits the bottom, grimacing in pain, but he still has the phone in his hands. I have no other option. I turn and run. Even as I'm running I still hear his voice in my ears.

"Fuck, she's legging it. No I can't go after her. I think I've fucked my knee."

I keep going. There's no other way to go. I run from Dean. I run from Katie. I need to escape. I need to escape it all.

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It's beautiful here. The constantly changing colours dance in front of my eyes, and the music invades the body so completely you can do nothing but ride its wave. Someone touches me. I let them. It's all part of the sensation, the wonderful freedom of having nothing to lose. Pure visceral abandon. Freedom from the heavy weight of history and consequence. In these precious moments we can stop time, and experience it only as a constant state of the present. Nothing can touch me here. Even the woman whose hands are currently grasping my hips barely reaches my periphery. She's tall, strong, short cropped hair cropped close to her head. Whatever. She's just another form of stimulation for my dopamine crowded brain as I wallow in glorious excess. Everything. All at once. And as much of it as possible.

I don't have much of an idea how I got here, but it's a well trodden path. A bar leads to another bar leads to finding some dodgy contact that I never quite forgot. Someone who'll sell me any drug I want and won't ask any questions. A pill leads to a line leads to a pill leads to a line leads to a drink leads to a spliff. Leads to being monumentally fucked up in some club I can't even recognise with some stranger's hands starting to wander over my body. Whatever. I turn my back towards her and lean in. She takes this as her cue to get even more friendly. Whatever. I let the music take me, and I stare at the pretty lights.

But then something intrudes. Something pierces then skin of my oblivion. A touch on my cheek so gentle and so loving, it is immediately distinguishable from the lustful grasping of the woman behind me. An angel's touch. I am instantly drawn to it, and I try to regain enough of my senses to focus on her. She takes my hands and gently pulls me away from the tall blonde. I go willingly. I can hear the tall woman grumbling away behind me, but she is of no importance to me now. The best things come in smaller packages. Fitch sized. I fall into Katie's arms as she manoeuvres us away from the dance floor, feeling something for the first time this night, now that I realise I am back where I belong. My body starts waking up as the messengers of desire go to work and I know that I want her. I want to kiss her. I want to touch her. I am no longer just a passive recipient of sensation. She makes me come alive. I go to kiss her but she pulls away. It doesn't deter me. I am driven by a force I can't contain. I move my hands around her gorgeous ass, and up around the front of her body to feel her incomparable….wait. What? WHAT?

"Jesus, Eff, is that how you tell us apart?"

"Emily?"

I look down at the guilty hand that is still clasped round Emily's breast, before looking back up into the shocked looking face of Naomi standing behind her. I spring back to look at Emily again. She is wearing a red corset, frilly knickers and some shiny tights. Her hair is up with stray ringlets falling down from it and her face is heavily made up. She looks beautiful, but she does not look like Emily.

"Why are you dressed like Katie?" I ask her.

"Because I'm doing her fucking gig," she replied. "The gig she can't do because she's out on the fucking streets looking for you. The gig she asked me to do when she rang me up in tears because she's so fucking worried about you. The gig we've just driven all the way from Bristol to do. Jesus, I wasn't expecting to have to rescue you from some giant as well."

"Shit," I say, as history, consequence and reality come crashing back down upon me. I let my head roll back and I look at the roof of the club. Hanging there, paged to one side, a set of purple silks. Katie's silks. Even when I try to run from her my rebellious body brings me back to her. Of all the places I could have run. I came to the club where Katie was supposed to perform tonight. I let Emily and Naomi take me off to a quieter corner of the club. Naomi fetches me water whilst Emily calls her sister. The drugs and the booze are still doing battle within my system, desperate to take me away again.

"Katie's close by," says Emily. "She's going to come and get you."

I know I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. But I'm still too wasted to do anything more than sit there, gulping at the water Naomi has brought and coming and going on the buzz. There's a passage of time, and then she is there before me, my angel. Her eyes are red from crying. I think I'm going to burn alive from the remorse.

"Is she ok?" she asks.

"She's completely fucking munted," replies Emily. "But I don't think she's seeing any demons."

"What happened to you, Babes?" Katie asks me. "What did you take?"

"Everything," I answer. "I fucked up."

"It's ok," she says soothingly. "It's ok."

I stand up. I need to be in her arms, but some fucking bloke steps in my way.

"There you are gorgeous," he says. "Thought I'd lost you."

He slips an arm around my waist and kisses my neck. I look at Katie in alarm. He is too familiar. I have let him touch me before. I can't remember it.

"Who are you?" I ask him.

"Ha, ha. Nice one babe," he laughs, spinning me round until he's pressing his groin against me. "I thought we could pick up where we left off. You know, go for round two if you like."

His dirty chuckle is interrupted by high pitched screaming.

"GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER, PRICKFACE!"

I push the guy away from me to see a furious Katie being held back by Emily and Naomi.

"What the fuck?" says the guy.

"GET YOUR FUCKING FILTHY HANDS OFF MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND," screams Katie, incandescent with rage. I have seen angry Katie on so many occasions, but I have never seen her quite like this. She looks like she wants to kill him.

"You better fucking do one, mate," says Naomi. "I'm not sure how much longer I can hold her."

The guy looks into the mouth of the volcano, and takes the sensible course of action, walking away before it erupts.

"For what it's worth," he calls back to me. "You were good."

I hear her roar, and see the pure blind fury spitting off her. I remember the first time I made her mad, when she nearly sent me into the abyss. I remember thinking then how beautiful it was, even as she nearly destroyed me. Perhaps even then I was destined to love her. For all that passion, for all that strength, for all that fire. For all the things I could never find within myself. She is my opposite, my complement, my partner. I want them to let her go so she can tear me apart. I let her down. I fucked up. I deserve it. They should unleash her upon me. Let her annihilate me. To die like that, burning in the fires of Katie Fitch would be a glorious way to die.

Instead, Emily wraps herself around her sister, holding her and cooling the fire. Again I can do little more than stare at them, at this incredible love they share despite their differences. Time starts to move again and I am aware that I am waiting. Waiting for Emily to decide it is safe to release her sister. Waiting to discover my fate. When Katie finally comes to stand before me, her anger appears to be gone. Without it she just looks tired.

"Did you fuck him?" she asks me emotionlessly.

I love her. What other answer can I give her but the truth?

"I don't know," I reply.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" she asks incredulously.

She searches my eyes for any hint that I might be dicking with her, and finding none, she puts her head in her hands. When her eyes find me again, they are filled with a terrible sadness.

"Jesus, Eff. Is this what you used to do? Get yourself so out of it you barely knew you existed, and then let anyone who showed an interest take you, in a desperate attempt to make yourself feel?"

I just nod, she already knows she is right.

"That's terrible," she says. "I can't…I just….I feel sick."

I hate that I have done this too her. I hate that I can't find any words to say to her to make things better. I hate that I can't remember what I've done. I hate that I still feel so fucking numb.

"Hit me," I tell her.

"What?" she says in disbelief.

"I want to feel something," I reply. "Hit me. Go on, hit me."

The next thing I know, I am sprawled on the ground, and my jaw feels like it had been whacked by a baseball bat instead of a fist. Fuck me, she is strong. The pain cuts through everything. It is wonderful. I start to laugh. I look up, but I don't see anyone else laughing. Naomi and Emily look shocked. Katie just looks annoyed.

"You fucking hit her," says a gobsmacked Naomi.

"She fucking asked me to," replies Katie.

"Yeah, but you did it," stutters Emily.

"Only you, Katie Fitch," I laugh. "Only you have had the balls to do it."

Beautiful Katie. She doesn't hold anything back. Emotions cascade through her like a waterfall. In an instant she has dropped to her knees beside me.

"How many people have you asked to hit you, babes?" she asks me.

"A few," I admit. "But you're the only one who's ever done it."

She pulls me into her arms, and holds me wordlessly, there on the floor of a fucking club, as if we were long lost lovers reunited in a time of war. I cannot for the life of me understand why this woman, this fucking miracle of humanity has chosen to bestow her love on such a worthless cause, but as she held me I was left in no doubt that I was still loved.

"I have to go on," says Emily. "Are you going to take her home?"

"And stay up all night waiting for her to come down?" answers Katie, standing up and pulling me to my feet. "You're fucking bombed, Eff. We might as well take advantage of it. Come on, Babes, we're going to dance it off. And Naomi…."

She calls over her shoulder as she pulls me to the dance floor.

"Get me a fucking vodka."

I'm back in the zone. The bass shudders right through my bones and the restless colours of the pretty lights make my eyes happy. Someone is touching me, but this time it reaches far past my exterior. This time it reaches right into my soul. She spins round and I hold her in my arms, as we watch the pretty lady in the sky. Emily is immaculate. Even though I know the tricks and the way the fabric works, with the benefit of the drugs it really does feel like she is flying. I feel the ripples of excitement run round the crowd, and again I feel ashamed. That should have been my girl up there tonight, it should have been her feeling that buzz. But then my girl moves her body against mine and I forget about everything else. Time stands still and we can take the most detailed of pleasures from very tiny touch, every delicate caress. The rest of the crowd ceases to exist and there is only us. Two bodies in space, swirling in a gas cloud of delight.

Somewhere out there, Emily must have finished her routine as I can vaguely hear the roaring of applause, but my every sense is becoming entirely focussed on Katie, and I immerse myself in her. Her movements spark excitement between my thighs, and she spins around again until our breasts are pushed up against each other and the sparks become a pyrotechnic shower. I seek her out. I know I need to feel her tongue in my mouth, and feel her own me. I kiss her, open mouthed and hungry, and she answers me in kind, our tongues clashing in a desperate dance of want. Fuck, her mouth is beautiful, and our hands are in each other's hair pulling ourselves deeper into the kiss. I have experienced lust, but before her never has there been such passion, such an urgent need to connect, such a necessity to find another person's soul as if by touching her I will be able to penetrate her essence as well as her body. Such searching kisses should lead to a furious desire to fuck, but instead we find ourselves slowing down, our tongues withdrawing from the war of desire. The kiss remains unbroken, but becomes more delicate and more loving until it is just the meeting of open lips on open lips. It is a reverse kiss, retracing the steps from passion back into love. Our mouths start to close and the meeting of our flesh becomes ever more tender, until our kisses are tiny and brief and yet still convey a planetary mass of emotion. Until finally, one last gentle glance against my lips and she has my face in her hands and is embracing me with her eyes. In that moment time doesn't just stand still, it ceases to exist.

"Take me home," I ask her.

She makes love to me. Going down on me just like she always does when she wants to show me how much she loves me. Normally when I am this wrecked sex hasn't meant much of anything at all. It's been brutal or it's been incompetent, and you're lucky if you even get to come at all. But Katie's touch is so important, it cannot be dulled by the narcotic soup. Each flick of her tongue makes me shiver, and I splay myself out on the bed for her, watching her as she pleasures me, which only makes me feel it even more. I went out into the world to find abandon, and yet here it is at home in the skilful mouth of my protector. I let her name dance through my lips as she teases my clit into a glorious state of arousal. Whatever crimes I may have committed this day, there is no doubt that I am hers. And I give myself to her completely, letting her tongue work it's magic up and down and through my folds. I reach down for her just as she pushes one finger inside me, drawing it in and out and complementing the movement of her tongue, and sending shockwaves out towards my limbs. Her free hand finds my own and she intertwines our fingers, squeezing me just like she did the first time. And just like the first time every single thing she does to please me also lets me know that I am loved. She starts to move a little faster and my body takes over me. I push myself towards her in perfect time with her tongue and her finger, and I feel myself beginning to lose control. And just like the first time the physical sensations are multiplied beyond all imagining by what she is telling me with her touch. I start to come, and I squeeze the hand that's holding mine. The waves of orgasm start breaking over me bringing with them a whole ocean of complex emotion I cannot even begin to process. My body arches up off the bed, and I'm sure I'm giving Katie a rough ride, but she stays with me, taking me through the apex of gratification and out the other side. When I'm done, she crawls part way back up my body, stopping to rest her head on my stomach, and tracing small patterns with her finger down my sides. She doesn't want to look me in the eye. She doesn't want to talk. Her actions have already said her piece, and I accept that, knowing that this is a delicate truce that we have forged.

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When I woke up the next morning, Katie's side of the bed was empty and cold. I forced myself to take deep breaths and not to panic. This was not some flighty fuckwit we were talking about, this was Katie. She was not going to have abandoned me. I looked over to the clock on the side of the bed. Ok, so 'morning' was not exactly the most accurate of statements. It was three o'clock in the afternoon. I tried to move but then suddenly everything I had taken yesterday came back to haunt me. I felt like fucking shit. Back in the days when I used to do this on a regular basis, now would have been the time when I'd start taking drugs again, never letting hangover or reality take hold, anxious to lose myself again as quickly as possible. But today that was not an option. I knew I had fucked up badly. I had to find Katie and face what I had done, even if I couldn't remember half of it. It was torture even just struggling from the bed and finding a T-shirt and shorts to put on. At one point I stood up too quickly, and got a screaming headrush that nearly sent me spinning back down onto the bed. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to push it into some sort of order. I knew I was procrastinating. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Katie was sat scrunched up on the sofa with her back to me, smoking a cigarette. Katie only smokes when she's wasted or when she's upset, and I knew she wasn't wasted. I started to make my way over to her.

"Drink some orange juice," she said before I'd even got halfway. My ninja skills were obviously failing me.

"You need to replenish fluids and vitamins," she said. "Did you fucking eat anything at all?"

"No," I replied.

"Didn't think so," she sighed.

I went and grabbed the carton of orange juice before joining her. I had the feeling it would be a good idea to do as I was told today. I sat down at the opposite end of the sofa from her, drawing my legs up and wrapping my arms round my knees. I could see that she had been crying again. I knew just saying sorry would be a stupid and pointless exercise, given the enormity of my crimes, so I waited for her to speak.

"You hurt me, Effy," she said quietly. It cut deeper than if she had yelled.

"I know," I answered. "And I don't know how I'm going to live with that."

"You're going to live with it, because I'm going to forgive you," she said. "I don't know what happened to set you off, but I know that you're not in control when you get like that. I know that whatever you did or didn't do, you weren't deliberately trying to hurt me. At least you told me the truth. You could have denied it, but you didn't."

"I honestly don't know how far it went," I pleaded. "I was so fucked up."

"And I'm going to have to live with that," she replied. "Jealously assuming the worst, when you might just have fucking snogged him, or something."

"I'm sorry."

There I go with the useless fucking apology anyway.

"Effy, I forgive you."

"Why?"

"Because I love you," she said, almost bringing me to tears. "And you made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, Eff. It's just that yours are a little bit more catastrophic."

She managed a half smile at me, and I stifled an ironic laugh.

"But this," she continued, gesturing between us. "Is not going to become an abusive relationship where you do what the fuck you like and I let you get away with it because of your condition. You have to meet me halfway, Effy."

"I get it," I told her. "I'll try harder."

"You know we're going to have to go and see Julia. I think this kind of counts as a setback."

"Yeah," I conceded. "Maybe I should just go back onto a higher dosage. Maybe I'm not strong enough to do this. I don't want to keep putting you through this shit."

"No," said Katie insistently. "Don't you dare even fucking think that. I made a commitment, and I am going to see this through with you. Besides, all this pain has to mean something, right? It has to be for something. I know it might not feel like it right now, but we can do it, Babes. I know we can."

She held out her hand to me, and cautiously I took it in mine.

"I am constantly amazed at how you never cease to amaze me," I said, causing her to giggle a little. "And I will try my hardest never to hurt you again. Not sure how good I'll be at it though."

"Yeah, well I'm not the only person you've hurt," sighed Katie. "Anthea and Tony were frantic when you went missing yesterday, and you put Dean in fucking A and E."

I suddenly recalled the sound of his pain filled voice. Shit, he was only trying to help me.

"Is he ok?"

"He's pulled ligaments in his knee. No permanent damage but he's on crutches and he can't skate for at least a month."

"Shit, I'm such a fucking waste of space. Why do I always have to hurt anyone who fucking cares about me?"

I went to pull my hand away. I didn't deserve her touch. But Katie held me fast.

"Yeah, well for some reason, he seems to think you're worth forgiving too. He's been asking after you."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him you were a cunt and that me and him should run away together," she smirked, smashing the tension with a mighty Fitch punch.

"I love you," I laughed. "But I don't…"

"Don't even think about saying you don't deserve me," she interrupted. "I'm Katie Fucking Fitch. I'm not going to fall in love with a loser."

It was hard to fault such impeccable logic.

"Silly me," I conceded. "What was I thinking?"

"Too fucking right, bitch," she asserted. "Now get over here and give me a fucking hug."

I crawled over the sofa and into her embrace. One thing I knew for sure was that my girlfriend was the most breathtaking person on the planet. Despite my monumental fuck up, she was standing by me. I knew that the wounds I had inflicted on her would not heal easily, they might even leave scars we would never be rid of. But all this pain has to mean something, right?


	35. 35 Reclamation

**A/N First some pimpage of my fave new stories. Go and Read 'I Felt You In My Legs" by boomendeh, there's all sorts of gorgeousness going on there, including an unbelievably delicious Naomi. Also Ess5iveOoh's new one 'The Right Kind Of Wrong' all you lovers of a badass Emily are in for a treat.**

**And a technical term you're gonna need to know later. 'Wristies' is circus slang for the wrist bandages you use when your doing flying or doubles work to help you keep your grip on another person.**

**Oh, and you should totally go and check out Bill Shannon on YouTube. He's amazing.**

**Dedication goes to ImagineAlex just cause she is fucking delightful. (READ HER WORK. READ HER WORK.)**

**And finally, I don't own Skins. Imagine that!**

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35. Reclamation

Katie

I looked up from washing my hands in the sink to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked like fucking shit. I looked tired, really tired and fuck me, did I feel it too. Not the kind of tired you get from an long day's training, or a tent up or a matinee day, when your muscles fucking ache and all you wanna do is lie down, but at the same time you still feel kinda proud of that pain cause you know you've worked hard and you know you've fucking earned it. No, this is the kind of tired you get when you've been kicked round like an emotional football. The kind of tired you get from weeks of stress, constantly worried how she is and where she is. Freaking out every time she leaves the house, but trying not to show it, cause you're trying to prove to her you have faith. From the nights you stay up with her, cause she can't sleep from the nightmares or the shakes. From the nights you can't sleep because the thought of her being with someone else rips your insides to shreds. We haven't had sex since that fateful night. I just can't bring myself to touch her like that, and I think she feels too guilty to instigate anything.

It's not like the love has died. If anything I think it's intensified. We still sleep together. We still hold each other, and sometimes I just find myself squeezing her so tightly. We'll be in a normal cuddle and all of a sudden I'll get the urge to just hold her even tighter, as if I'm scared she'll disappear if I let go. Sometimes I watch her sleep. Her patterns are so irregular it could be any time of the day, in any part of the house. One day I found her curled up on the crash mat, and she looked so pale, so small and so vulnerable, I felt I needed to acquire another heart to fit in all the love I held for her. I know she is exhausted too, that this fight is even harder for her. It's the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that she needs me, and that I will not break my promise. Sometimes Anthea or Tony will take her to give me a break, but all I do is end up missing her, tossing and turning in the bed and turning to Pato for comfort. He used to smell of her. Now he smells of both of us.

And then there's the crying. Fuck I've never cried this much in my life. Emily was always the crier. I would always just put on my bitch face and tough it out. But with this, there's no one to blame. No one to bitch at, no one to fight, no one to smack round the head. Effy is not being a useless cunt, or a bastard. Effy is fighting for her life. And so when it all gets too much, I cry. I've cried on Anthea's shoulder whilst she tells me how wonderful I am, and how much I mean to her daughter. I've cried on the phone to Emily, about how I can't cry with my own mother. I won't even answer Jenna's phone calls. I know that bitch will just go on at me about how Effy is no good for me, and I can't fucking handle that shit right now. I've cried in front of Dr Karpenko whilst she assures me I'm doing an amazing job. I've burst into tears whilst I've been training, and I've even cried on little Dean, even though he's got enough worries of his own.

And I found myself trying not to break down again, standing in front of the mirror in the toilets of this theatre, seeing all those hours of crying and exhaustion etched into my face. To be fair the last week had been easier. We decided to keep Effy on this dosage longer than was first planned, to give both of us the chance to recuperate, and it seemed to be working. She seemed to be settling down again. I could see the life coming back into her eyes and she didn't look so haunted. But it's almost as if the respite had given me a chance to relax, and all the things I'd been holding back to be strong for her sake had come tumbling down on me all at once. One thing's for sure though, I must have totally cocked up this audition.

It wasn't not my normal thing. It was for a part in a play. A real play with speeches and shit. They wanted two aerialists to play these like troubled spirits that are stuck between life and death. It was all very serious and there were proper lines and everything. It was Effy who encouraged me to try it out. She said it was good to expand your horizons. She said she thought I'd be amazing, and I should just take the fucking chance. It was shit pay compared to corporate gigs, but at least it was a good few weeks work, and that's not to be sniffed at in these harsh times. Especially with Effy having to cut down on work for a while. It's hard to hold a camera when your hands are shaking. I mean, I enjoyed the audition, working with Abandon all summer had kinda got me interested in doing more with my aerial than just making pretty shapes. Anthea had helped me prepare, but I'd never had any acting training, and I'm sure there were people here who could do it a lot better than me. So whatever, I splashed cold water on my face, put some eyedrops in my weary eyes, braced myself for the disappointment of not getting the part, and got ready to go home to my girl.

I was walking out through the café bar, when I heard someone call my name. I turned to see dreadlock Nathan sitting smiling at me from one of the tables.

"Got time for a drink?" he offered.

Suddenly a cappuccino seemed like the best fucking idea in the world.

"It's good to see you," he said, sitting back down with my drink, and a pint for himself.

"You too," I admitted, because it was.

"I presume you're here for the aerialists' audition," he said.

"Yeah," I replied. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm doing the lighting for that show," he smiled. "We could be working together."

"I doubt it," I scoffed. "I think I was kinda shit."

"I don't believe that for a second," he said.

It was nice. I'm not lying, the flattery was nice. I had forgotten how easy he was to be around.

"So how the fuck are ya, girl?" he asked me. "You look great."

"Don't lie," I countered. "I don't look great. I look fucking knackered."

"Too much work or too much fun?" he teased me.

It would have been so easy to lie. To not get into it. To pretend I'd had a crazy schedule or I'd been going to some mental parties, but there was something about Nathan that always made me want to open up. Something about him that made me let my guard down.

"Neither," I sighed. "It's…. it's Effy."

"Effy," he smiled, rolling his eyes at her name. "So did you tell her?"

"Yeah," I replied. "Yeah I did."

"And?"

"Actually, she told me first. She felt the same. We're together now."

"That's good, I suppose," he admitted. "At least I wasn't kicked out on my arse for nothing."

He always did make me laugh.

"No, it wasn't for nothing," I said. "She's amazing. I love her so fucking much."

"But?" said Nathan. "There's definitely a but."

"It's just so hard," I blurted out. "Just so fucking hard. I don't think I've ever done anything as hard as this in my whole life."

"She high maintenance then?"

"Not in the usual way, but yeah."

I took a deep breath, and decided to tell him the whole story. I felt I could trust him, and it felt good to vent. It felt good have a friend. I told him everything. How fucking wonderful it was to be with her. All the terrible things she'd been through. All the beautiful things she made me feel. Everything we were going through with her withdrawal. And the end of it he pulled me over into a great big hug and it felt wonderful. It felt wonderful to feel strong arms wrap around me, to have someone playing protector for me. I know I had chosen my role with Effy, but it was a blessed relief just to be the one receiving comfort for a while.

"Effy is a fucking lucky girl," he said. "You're an amazing woman, Katie Fitch. You're so fucking brave taking on something like that."

"I don't have a choice," I replied. "I love her."

"Yeah well you don't have to be Einstein to work that one out." He laughed. "Every time you say her name, you fucking glow.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked him. "I'm so whipped."

"No way, Katie," he smiled. "Enchanted maybe, but never whipped."

I was just about to ask him if he fancied going on to a pub for another drink, when the director of the show came walking out of the door to the admin offices.

"Oh, Katie, you're still here," she said happily. "I've just sent you an email, but I might as well tell you now. We'd like to offer you the part."

"You would?" I said, after stopping my jaw hitting the floor.

"Yes, we were very impressed," she said. "You totally managed to capture the kind of raw emotion we were looking for in the character, plus your physical skills were excellent."

So apparently it helps to look like microwaved shit after being emotionally shredded when you're going for serious theatre. Must remember that.

"I see you've met our lighting designer," she said.

"Yeah, we're friends," he replied.

I had to suppress a grin when he said that. It felt good. I might be hopelessly in love with my highly strung disaster area of a girlfriend, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to have a smart, laid back and good hearted guy looking out for me.

"Well all the information you'll need is in the email," smiled the director. "Welcome aboard and I'll see you in a couple of weeks."

I decided to scratch my offer of another drink with Nathan seeing as I was going to be seeing him around anyway. I wanted to go home and tell Effy I'd got the job. I hadn't really allowed myself to think about it that much, for fear of failure. But now that it was mine, I realised just how much I had wanted it. I had spent the first half of the year traipsing round in my sister's wake, and the second half of it being Effy's carer and then her lover. This was a whole new challenge. Something I was taking on just for me. I thought about a lot of things on the tube home, how this was going to impact on our lives in more ways than one. I just hoped Effy was in a good way when I got back to her.

I opened the door of the flat to the sound of happy laughter. Effy and Dean were in stitches over by the dance floor. In an effort to cheer Dean up, Effy had shown him stuff on YouTube of this amazing guy called Bill Shannon, who dances with crutches and a skateboard, and it looked like they'd been trying out some moves.

"You're supposed to entertain him whilst he gets better not damage him even more," I said with a glint in my eye.

To be honest it was fucking lovely seeing them both happy considering the damage Effy's bender had inflicted on us all.

"This is so cool, Katie. You gotta see," said Dean, hopping back onto his board and spinning himself round with the aid of the crutches. He started to show off a bit, and I had to admit, it did look pretty fucking good, even though my Katie the Protector head couldn't help but worry about his knee.

"How'd it go?" asked Effy, bringing the focus back to me.

"I got it," I smirked. "I got the part."

We celebrated with tea and cake. It was a far cry from the way I would have celebrated in the past, white powder and white spirits were more my usual style. But the past year had seen so many massive changes, it was probably a good thing I wasn't getting so wasted all the time anymore. I allowed myself to sink into the moment. This little island of contentment in our sea of constant struggle was worth loitering on for a while. I still had serious stuff going on in the back of my head, but I decided it could wait for an hour or two.

When Dean finally left, I made more tea and sat Effy down on the sofa with me. This sofa appeared to be becoming my 'go to' place when I needed a serious chat.

"I'm so proud of you," said Effy, stealing my moment.

It was strange to hear her say it. It was usually me saying stuff like that when I was trying to counteract her negative tendencies, but tonight she looked so carefree, I was almost tempted just to forget about my concerns. It seemed like so long since we had just been able to relax in each other's company.

So what is it you want to tell me?" she asked, grinning cheekily at me.

Fuck, I had forgotten I was living with a fucking oracle.

"I haven't actually said yes yet," I said.

"Why not?" she frowned. "You'd be mad to turn that down."

"It's not that simple," I replied. "I'm going to be a lot busier. I'm not going to be able to be here for you. Other people will be relying on me, and I won't be able to just get Emily to take over for me."

Effy's eyes shot down to her hands.

"I'm sorry about that," she mumbled.

"I'm not after an apology, Eff. That shit is in the past. I'm just trying to work out what to do if I can't look after you. You might have to go and stay with Anthea for a bit if things get shaky again."

Effy's eyes widened in alarm, and she threw herself at me and clung on tight.

"I don't want to," she muttered into my neck. "I want to stay here with you."

There was that urge to squeeze the life out of her again.

"I don't _want_ you to go," I said, kissing her head. "I just don't want you to get hurt."

She pulled back and put her hands on my face.

"I'll try harder. I'll be better," she insisted. "Things have been better, haven't they?"

"They have," I said, trying to reassure her. "But we can't know what's going to happen next time we reduce the dose. It's been different every time. This is not a rejection of you, Babes. I fucking love you. I just couldn't stand it if anything happened to you."

"You're right," she sighed. "I'm being selfish. I don't want to stop you taking the job. Like I said, you'd be mad to turn it down, and one nutter in the house is enough, don't you think?"

This time it was my turn to put my hands on her face. I pulled her to me and kissed her gently.

"You know I love you, right?" I said, searching those soulful blue eyes for the answer. When I first met her, I could never tell what she was thinking, but now she was mine, and she had shown me parts of herself that no-one else had ever seen, she couldn't hide from me so easily.

"I know," she said, and her eyes told me that she meant it.

"We're alright, aren't we?" I said, as much for my own reassurance as for hers.

She let her head fall backwards and released a long breath.

"My brain feels like it's been in the middle of a fucking war," she said. "I'm amazed we've come out as unscathed as we have."

"I'm sorry I've been so grumpy. And I'm sorry we haven't…you know…"

Effy let out a howl of laughter that Cook would have been proud of.

"What?" I said, poking her in the ribs.

It took her almost a minute to calm down enough to speak.

"I'm sorry," she smirked. "I just never thought I'd live to see the day when Katie Fitch was coy about saying the word 'fucked'."

"I was trying to be sensitive," I pouted.

"Why change the habits of a lifetime?" teased Effy. "Anyway, it's ok. I know how much I hurt you. I don't have the right to expect anything from you. I'm still just fucking amazed that you forgave me."

"I love you," I shrugged.

"And Katie Fitch doesn't love losers," smiled Effy. "So we're good."

We sat there just looking at each other for a while. I know it sounds really stupid, but there is so much more that makes Effy than just her beauty, that sometimes you forget just how beautiful she is. In that moment I didn't want to fuck her, I didn't even want to touch her. I just wanted to look. She wasn't dressed up, or made up, and I could see the exhaustion on her face as clearly as I had seen it on mine, but I could have just stared at her all night. Nathan was right. She made me fucking glow.

"So what else did you want to talk to me about?" she asked.

Busted.

"What makes you think there's something else?" I countered.

All she did was alter some tiny inflection in her face, that fucking face. If a picture can paint a thousand words, then Effy's face can write fucking War and Peace. That tiny inflection told me more eloquently than the fanciest of words that I was not going to worm my way out of this one.

"I met Nathan today," I told her. "He's doing the lighting for the show, so I'm going to be working with him. And I don't want to have to try to fucking avoid him. I like him, and I want us to be friends."

Effy said nothing, and this time I couldn't read her gaze as she waited for me to continue.

"He's not a threat," I said. "I don't want him, I want you. And I'm telling you all of this, cause I want to be completely honest with you. I don't want you to find out after the fact and think I've been hiding things from you."

Again she stayed silent, and it kind of scared me. I knew it was asking a lot of her not to be jealous. After all, the last man to touch her would have gotten his fucking face ripped off had it not been for Emily and Naomi. I looked into her beautiful eyes again to see if I could detect a hint of emotion, and that's when I realised. She was thinking. I had been subjected to so many versions of Effy in the time that I had known her, that I was glad to see this one back. Rational Effy, who never spoke without thinking it through first.

"Ok," she said finally.

I was a little disappointed that that was it.

"Ok what?" I asked.

"Everything you just said," she replied coolly.

I went to speak again, but she cut me off.

"We're good, Katie," she assured me. "But I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed."

She stood up, and I immediately felt like a part of me was missing. It was still quite early, but I didn't want the separation.

"Can I come with you?" I said, a little surprised at how lost my voice sounded in that moment.

Effy turned back round and smiled at me.

"Of course," she said, holding out her hand.

I slept in her arms that night, but still there was this distance between us. It was fucking crazy. I knew it was as much me as her, but I wanted her back so badly. I just didn't know how to make it happen. I didn't understand how we could be so intimate and yet so alone. Maybe I was like one of those crazy-arsed particles of hers that can be in two places at once. Simultaneously I am both so close to her I can breathe her in, and halfway across the fucking universe.

.

.

.

Two weeks later I was standing in the bar of the theatre, in an admittedly fabulous shimmery peacock blue dress, surrounded by my new work colleagues. We were halfway through our first week of rehearsals, and we'd been invited to the press night of another play that was on at the theatre. Basically all the reviewers get invited, so we get free tickets so we can boost numbers and be enthusiastic, and they lay on free booze for the journos afterwards, which we also get to have a crack at. It was a good way of hanging out and bonding with the new cast, and they seemed to be a pretty cool bunch, but it was still hard not to flick my eyes in the direction of the stairs every couple of minutes.

I was waiting for Effy. I had invited her to come too. I wanted everyone to meet her. I wanted to include her in this new part of my life. I was kind of over the whole coming out thing now. It had never really seemed to be under my control anyway, the way I kept blurting it out at inappropriate moments. Effy was my girlfriend, and that wasn't about to change any time soon. This was who I was now. Bisexual Katie. Katie with a girlfriend. I've actually come to rather enjoy the raised eyebrows I get, as people try to equate my appearance with what I've just told them. The best one was from our stage manager, Steph, who is very a much an 'out of the box' lesbian so to speak. I even caught her having a sneaky perve after that. Poor thing, she's going to have a heart attack if she ever meets Emily.

Things with Effy had been pretty stable over the past couple of weeks. Physically things seemed to be back under control, and she had started doing some work again. She was hanging out with Dean a lot. Saint Dean, as she called him, and they really did seem to be good for each other. I was glad she had a friend who wasn't me or her family, it must have been so lonely for her lost inside her head for all those years. And to be perfectly honest, it was a relief having someone else around I knew would look after her. It took the strain off me, and meant I wasn't fucking stressing about her when I was at work. Effy had been very insistent that she didn't need to go to her mum's, and knowing Saint Dean was keeping his eagle eyes out for her meant I didn't try and push it. For my part, having something else to think about that wasn't Effy was a good thing. It was early days yet, but I was really enjoying the rehearsals, and all the actors thought I was really cool, cause of what I could do in the air. Effy and I were starting to relax around each other again. I think we had been so terrified that all our traumas were going to rip us apart that we had failed to see that what we really needed was some good old fashioned room to breathe.

I looked towards the stairs up to the bar again, and smiled a little as I realised I was actually excited to see her. I even felt a little flutter of anticipation in my stomach, almost as if we were going on a date. I suddenly realised why I had made so much of an effort tonight, bringing a fancy outfit to change into and making sure my make up was just so. I was dressing up for her, something I hadn't done for a while. I just hope she fucking appreciated it. She was still nowhere to be seen. Fucking Effy and her disregard for a linear concept of time. Jesus, I was even thinking in big words and complex ideas these days. My lover might have all sorts of problems with her brain, but being with her had undoubtedly improved the scope of mine.

"Earth to Katie," I heard Nathan's voice beside me, forcing me to snap out of it. "Where were you?"

"I was thinking about the validity of a linear concept of time," I said casually.

"You what?"

That was Michael, one of the actors, and a bit of a lad.

"You really are full of surprises," grinned Steph, mentally filing the information 'smarter than she looks' next to 'sleeps with girls'. I used to be too self-centred to really know or understand what other people were thinking, but these days I find myself picking up on all sorts of nuance. Just another way in which my lover has rubbed off on me.

"Wow," said Steph, suddenly distracted, her eyes widening.

"Fuck," said Nathan, following her gaze.

"Nuhugudhfuwuduhwhoawhoawhoa," burbled Michael, his eyes popping out on stalks.

"What the fuck?" I said.

The three of them looked like idiots. It was Steph who composed herself first.

"Allow me to translate," she grinned. "I speak 'boy'. What Michael actually said was 'My goodness, who is that rather attractive woman who has just walked up the stairs?'"

I turned to see the poor unfortunate girl they were making idiots of themselves over, and instantly became the biggest fool of all. The biker boots. The patterned fishnet tights. The tiny black sequinned dress covered in red roses and silver skulls. The leather jacket. The exquisitely tousled hair. The 'couldn't give a fuck' stance. The rough dark make up surrounding the eyes. Those eyes. The eyes of a fucking goddess. I had to force myself to start breathing again as I drank her in. So that would be the libido back in operation, I thought as I felt a sudden pounding sensation between my thighs. Effy looked so fucking fit I almost wanted to cry that something so beautiful even existed in the world, let alone that she was mine. She let her gaze drift effortlessly across the room, and her eyes gave just the tiniest hint of a smile as they discovered mine. This was my favourite Effy of all, the ferociously sexy Dark Effy mashed up with the woman who loved me with all her heart.

I heard sighs from the idiots' collective behind me, as they realised the goddess was looking in our direction, each of them secretly hoping she was looking at them. Time to disavow them of that fucking notion. I turned back towards them.

"That, Ladies and Gentlemen," I announced, not even trying to keep the smugness out of my voice. "Is my girlfriend."

With that I span on my somewhat stylish heels and sashayed over towards her, pushing my tits out and swaying my hips as I went, giving her a show. I watched her lick her lips as her eyes dragged over my body, and I smiled at the thought that I was having the desired effect. I didn't stop when I reached my destination, continuing till we were up close and personal and I was pulling her into a kiss. A sexual kiss. The first one we had shared in weeks. An explosive shockwave of lust reverberated through my body, rattling my very bones as I felt Effy respond, pushing her tongue into my eager mouth, and sliding her hands around my ass.

"Hello gorgeous," I said, pulling away from the kiss before I was forced to drag her from the theatre in a screaming maelstrom of lust. "Fuck me, you look hot."

"I will," whispered Effy into my ear. "Just as soon as I get the chance."

I had to cling on to her just to stay standing, and for a moment I lost all my senses. It felt like a bomb had gone off in the room. Which of course it had. My beautiful bomb. I felt heads turn and eyes follow us as we walked across to the others, and I loved that feeling. We had been locked in our own private world for too long, time to show the rest of these motherfuckers just how fucking fabulous we were.

Starting with the idiots' collective who were all somewhat comically trying to compose themselves as we approached. As Steph and Michael fell over themselves attempting to impress Effy, I caught Nathan's eye.

"Ok, I get it now," he smirked at me.

"Trust me," I said. "Half of this room will have fallen in love with her by the end of tonight."

But they're not fucking getting her.

Effy's fashionable lateness meant that it was only a couple of minutes before we had to drain our drinks and head into the auditorium. As the lights went down Effy's hand snaked over and wrapped itself around mine. I leaned over to her and whispered in her ear.

"I hope this play isn't too boring, otherwise I might have to drag you out of here and have wild animal sex in the toilets."

I was trying to play her, to wind her up before the show began. I should have known better. She caught me just as the intro music began to fade out.

"In that case, I rather hope it is," came the whispered version of the Stonem husky sex growl.

I was lost. For the first ten minutes of the play I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on. All I could think about were the endless possibilities of wild animal sex with Effy. This fucking celibacy shit was going to have to end. I kept turning to look at her in the dark, her eyes seemingly riveted to the action on stage, but knowing that she knew exactly what I was doing. Suddenly I had a vision of Effy, drug free, healthy and happy and wondered that if we ever managed to get there, would we ever get out of bed. I was shocked out of my thoughts when the lights went up, and a moderate applause went rippling round the audience. Effy leaned across me towards Nathan.

"How long is the interval?" she asked him.

"They usually last about twenty-five minutes," he said.

Effy flicked her goddess eyes back towards me.

"Long enough," she smirked and strode purposefully out of the auditorium.

You have never seen a woman move so fast in heels as I did when I sprinted after her.

"Where are you going?" I asked her.

"You tell me," she said, her pupils as large as any of the times I'd seen her wasted. "All I know is that I have to have you."

A sudden flash of inspiration hit me, and I grasped her hand and pulled her hurriedly away from the direction of the bar. We came upon a door and I pressed the key code that would get us into the backstage areas. I was practically running as we made our way down a dimly lit corridor, hoping I could remember the way.

"There's a music room," I told her breathlessly. "It's soundproofed."

"I like your thinking, Mrs Fitch," she replied, spurring me on to move even faster.

We found the room and I punched the doorcode, practically throwing Effy into the room and locking the door behind me. I didn't switch on the lights, just left us in the orange glow that was flooding into the room from the streetlights outside. I turned to find Dark Effy in all her glory, leather jacket already discarded on the floor. The smile that spread slowly across her face told me that this was a girl with evil on her mind.

"What?" I asked breathlessly, desperate to know my fate.

She cocked her head to one side, and managed somehow to look even more impossibly sexy. Her eyes were a picture of filthy delight.

"The piano," she said slowly.

She held out her hand and I went willingly. I let her help me jump up onto the bed of the beautiful dark grand piano. I watched as she pulled off my heels and my tights and then came back for my knickers. I smiled as she tossed them carelessly over her head and then pushed me onto my back. I scooted backwards as she climbed up after me and crawled on her hands and knees up my body like a big cat with the scent of meat in its nostrils. I knew what was coming. We both knew this was going to be a quick and dangerous fuck, but I had never wanted anything more in my whole fucking life. I felt her hand sneak up my dress, and then seconds later the weight of her body pressing into mine. Our lips met in a frantic kiss, but we were forced apart by the moan I couldn't help but release when I felt her enter me.

"Oh God, I've missed you," I cried as she immediately started pushing hard in and out of me. My body reacted instinctively, and soon we were fucking like beasts on top of the elegant musical instrument. I could die, I thought, I could fucking die right now and still be happy. Maybe I already had. The feeling of her inside me was so fucking incredible, it must surely be reserved for the realms of heaven. I imagined people talking at my funeral.

"How did she die?" one would ask.

"She died being fucked by Effy Stonem on top of a grand piano," another would answer.

And they would still be envious of me, even though I was dead.

It didn't take long till I started feeling the pressure build inside me, but I didn't care. Tonight wasn't about the journey, it was about the destination. I wanted her to fuck me hard, and I wanted her to make me come. I wanted the release from all the weeks of frustration. I wanted to forget about all the pain. I wanted her to fuck all the stress and the bad memories away. I wanted to be hers again. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body, straining with the effort of satisfying me, and at the intense concentration on her face as she pushed and pushed at me, trying to read how close I was. Fucking close baby, fucking close. Her breathing was ragged and intense, I loved how it always gave her away. I could tell how desperate she was to make me come, how badly she needed to give me this pleasure. I grabbed hold of her hair and onto the fabric of her dress, pulling us together so we were moving as one being.

"Yeah….yeah….yeah," I found myself crying as Effy's fingers became part of me, and the beautiful bomb exploded in my very core.

She blew me apart. I expected to find bits of myself splattered all around the walls.

"You are so fucking good, you are so fucking good," I screamed at her as she drove me through my orgasm at a hundred miles an hour. I felt my lungs screaming for oxygen as we finally shuddered to halt.

"What the fucking hell to you do to me, Stonem?" I asked her breathlessly. "Nobody else does that. Nobody."

She pulled her fingers out of me and started licking them nonchalantly.

"It's my destiny," she said smoothly.

My body told me to grab her, and pin her to this piano, and never let her leave, and I was about to act on its instructions, but Effy anticipated me, and slid out of my grasp.

"Nuhuh," she chided. "We'll miss the second half."

"Fuck the play," I said as she rescued my discarded shoes and tights.

"Later," she said, her voice thick with promise. "And I swear I'll let you do anything you like."

We only just made it back to the bar as people were starting to go back in.

"Where did you two get to?" asked Steph.

"Fags," said Effy smoothly. "I had to go and get some fags."

I caught the look on Nathan's face that clearly suggested he didn't believe her. Effy continued torturing me as we sat in the dark of the second half, repeatedly bringing her hand up to her face, and breathing deeply. Closing her eyes as she inhaled my scent, and then turning to smirk at me lasciviously. God, that girl could lay it on thick. I'm guessing she was over the whole guilt thing. I hoped nobody tried to talk to me about the play afterwards, cause I seriously had no idea what the fuck was going on. I had been caught up in a far more fascinating drama. The continually evolving beautiful drama of Effy emerging from the cocoon of madness and out into the light.

"Stop it," I whispered playfully, grabbing the offending hand and intertwining it in my own.

I knew then that I would never stop loving this woman. Ever.

.

.

The press party turned out to be kind of fun, although I did nearly get the fright of my life when I saw Effy wandering towards me with a glass of the free champagne in her hand.

"What the fuck are you doing, Eff?" I challenged her.

"Relax," she said. "It's not for me. It's for you. It's fucking free champagne, Katie. I'm not gonna let you pass up an opportunity like this just cause I turn into a whore when I've got a few drinks inside me."

I always knew Effy was on the up when she started to take the piss out of her illness and the things it does to her. I didn't feel angry with her any more, and the pain was fading. I knew she wasn't really that person any more. I knew she was a lot stronger than she had ever been, and I knew that was because of me. I took the champagne from her hand and took a healthy swig.

"Cheers slagface," I grinned at her. "Here's to love."

"Here's to love," she echoed and kissed a taste of champagne from my lips.

I lost her for a while after that. Probably off making half the room fall in love with her, whilst I continued to make an inroad into the free drink. It was different. We were still finding our way out here in the real world after living in the circus bubble for so long. I had lost a lot of my old notions over the last year, including the one that love was a happy ever after. I guess I was only just now accepting the fact that it was a process, and one that we were going to have to keep on working at. Eventually I got bored of pretending I'd paid any attention to the play and went on a mission to find my fuckaliciously foxy girlfriend. First port of call was always going to be the smoking area, which here was an outdoor terrace leading directly off from the bar. I pulled open the doorway to see Effy and Nathan sat very obviously at opposite ends of one of those all in one wooden picnic table things. Nathan was sat down on the bench part and Effy was perched up on the table. Both of them were staring out over the car park, smoking in silence. I stopped where I was and held my breath. Effy finished her cigarette, and immediately lit up another one.

"Katie wants to be your friend," she said slowly. "That means I have to be your friend too."

Nathan looked up at her suspiciously.

"You don't strike me as the type to do anything you don't want to do," he said.

"I'm jealous of you," she replied with complete candour. "Because you slept with her. Because she liked it. Because you still want her."

"I don't still want her," he protested, to which she fixed him with what I can only presume was the Stonem Death Glare considering how quickly he crumbled.

"I'm jealous of you," he admitted. "Because she's in love with you. Because even when we were together she was in love with you. Because it's always been you."

"I used to think I didn't deserve her," said Effy. "But she's stuck with me through some pretty epic shit. And she still loves me. So all of that has to mean something, right? Katie Fitch doesn't love losers, so underneath all my layers of dirt, I've got to somehow be pretty fucking awesome."

"I'm not a threat," insisted Nathan. "Katie likes me, but she doesn't love me. Certainly not in the way that she loves you. But even if she did, there's no way I'd be trying to break you two up. Katie's a fucking amazing woman, and if she loves you this much it has to mean that you're fucking amazing too. I don't want us to fight. It would only hurt her, and neither of us wants that."

Effy seemed to consider his statement for a while, before reaching out to the side and offering him her hand. My heart lurched a little when I saw him reach out and take it. I won't lie. It was a buzz that he still wanted me even though it was never going to be. But it was an even bigger buzz that he and Effy seemed to have formed some kind of truce. I gave them a moment to seal the deal before making my presence known.

"What's all this then?" I said, breezing into their line of vision, and staring at their still joined hands. "Trying to steal my girlfriend?"

"Yes, we're running away together," smirked Effy, immediately picking up on the joke.

I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Sorry Nathan, mate, you can't have her," I said. "She's mine."

She drew me into a kiss, and I didn't mean to stay in it so long. I just kind of got lost in her. It's so easy to get lost in her. I didn't even manage to escape when I heard Nathan laughing and telling us he'd leave us to it. I'm sure many people came and went and smoked many cigarettes before I stopped kissing her.

"Are you making me a new safe space, babe?" she asked me when I eventually drew away from her. "Cause smoking area? Good choice."

"Let's get the fuck out of here," I said, the animal in me rising again.

.

.

"And I swear I'll let you do anything you like."

Effy's words echoed back through my head as she threw me down on our bed, and started kissing her way up my body. I threw my head backwards and something caught my eye. We'd inherited the bed from Emily and suddenly my mind was cast back to the day I was out helping her choose it.

"What about this one?" I had said, pointing out what I thought was a perfectly acceptable and stylish bed. Emily just looked back at me as if I'd grown two heads.

'What's wrong with it?" I'd protested.

"Solid headboard," she had scoffed before walking away.

I didn't get what she meant that day, but I knew what it was all about now. Emily loved her bondage, in fact she swore by it. It was the trust thing, she told me. The total high of giving yourself to someone completely.

"I want something," I said, once Effy had reached my face.

"Anything," she said.

I flipped us over and slowly undressed us both before pulling away, and getting up to go to my handbag. I found a pair of wristies and pulled them out, before returning to the bed and climbing on top of Effy.

"Do you trust me?" I asked her.

"Absolutely," she answered.

One at a time I took her arms and used the wristies to tie them over her head to the metal frame of the headboard. When I was done I sat straddling her, looking at the beauty of her naked form beneath me. I ran my hands slowly over her stomach before trailing them upwards to play with her breasts. I listened to the beautiful sound of her breath hitching as I twirled my fingers across her nipples.

"I'm taking you back, Babes," I told her.

And I did. I kissed her, I teased her, I licked her, I fucked her. I watched her body react to all the little things I did to her. I watched her straining against her restraints as I found some special spot on her skin that drove her fucking crazy. I drank in the sight of her, the taste of her, the smell of her, the feel of her. I listened to the music of her breath and her cries and her moans. I took a full tour of Effyland and visited every attraction. I was rough, I was gentle, I was loving, I was voracious. And throughout it all, those goddess eyes, those fucking interminable depths of blue held nothing but absolute love and desire every time I looked in them. I took back what was mine. Effy was mine, every part of her body was screaming it out loud, but I needed to hear her say it. I waited until she was on the crux of yet another orgasm, my fingers buried deep inside her, and then I asked her.

"Whose woman are you?"

"Yours," she answered without any hesitation. "I'm yours."

I started pushing into her again, taking her, making her mine.

"I love you," she screamed as she started to come. "I belong with you. I belong to you."

"Say my name," I begged her as she thrashed beneath me. I fell into the violence of her orgasm, thrusting and thrusting until I knew she could take no more, the most beautiful sound in the fucking universe crashing down around my ears. Effy screaming over and over again.

"Katie Fucking Fitch. Katie Fucking Fitch."

Effy watched me with a goofy shagged out smile on her face as I untied her. I kissed the scars on her wrists where she had cut herself. I kissed the scar on her forehead, before staring back at the eyes that held me prisoner.

"I love you," I said.

"Yeah, I kinda got that," she grinned lazily.

I kissed her forehead again.

"Anyone else in there?" I asked her, knowing it had slightly different meaning this time.

"Only you and me, babe," she answered. "Always."

"Always?"

"Always," she promised, and I believed her. Whatever model of time she was working on these days.

I brought our lips together in the gentlest of kisses.

"Someone's looking a little left out," I said.

She turned her head to follow my gaze, laughing when her eyes fell on Pato. She stretched out a languid arm, grabbing him and plonking him on her belly. I wrapped my arm across her and snuggled into both of them. My family. Me, a crazy girl and a funny giraffe.

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**Random fact. I have a dress like the one Effy is wearing in this chapter. And I love it.**


	36. 36 Fuckalicious

**The warning's in the title people. They've got some catching up to do.**

**For my cyberhoney**

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3**6**. Fuckalicious

Effy

I woke up in the most beautiful place in the world, wrapped tight against the divine body of one Ms Katherine Fitch. My brain might do some pretty stupid things to me sometimes, but it does some pretty wonderful things too, as it immediately started flashing back to last night. It was breathtaking. When I was fucking her on the piano the choir in my head were singing the music of the stars, spinning us both through space on a faster than light tour of the galaxy. I felt my body shudder involuntarily but it wasn't from the withdrawal. It was from the memory of the way she took me back. Of all the things she did to me when she had me at her mercy. I know Emily's supposed to be some kind of goddess in the sack, but seriously, it's got to run in the family, because no-one, in all the stupid amounts of people I have fucked, no-one even comes close to Katie. I thought back to my lost night and suddenly I knew. There was no way I could ever have fucked that guy. I might have gotten nearly all the way there, but something would have stopped me. Just like it did with that guy back in Liverpool. No matter how fucked I was, something would have stopped me. Cause everything I said last night was true. I did belong to her. She saved my fucking life. She is still saving my life. Not in a driving me to the hospital kind of way. But every day, by loving me, by staying with me, by making me believe that one day I'll be a real girl again.

"Mmmm, that's a nice way to wake up," she murmured, and I realised my hands had started wandering of their own accord across the body of my saviour. Her mouth found mine before she was even really conscious, and she pulled me on top of her and opened her lips to me, one hand in my hair, and the other on my ass. My response was automatic, my hips pushing down towards her as I deepened the kiss.

"Oh God, Eff, you're so fucking sexy," she moaned. "I have the sexiest girlfriend on the planet."

"Yeah you do," I replied huskily.

The progress of my kisses down her neck was stopped dead by the sound of Katie laughing.

"You sound pretty sure of yourself," she giggled.

"I do?" I asked.

"Yeah," she affirmed. "It's nice."

I don't know where it had come from. Sure I had always been able to turn the sexiness on. Bring Dark Effy out to play and watch her lay waste to the libidos of everyone around me. But it was only ever a game, another layer to the mask that stopped everyone from seeing the real me. A veneer of fake confidence with which to camouflage the self-loathing girl inside. But this feeling wasn't fake. After last night I actually felt good. Not just about me and Katie, but about myself. If we could come back to this, after all the shit we'd just been through, then we were the unstoppable force. Just like Emily and Naomi, my beautiful twin suns, mine and Katie's gravity was irresistible. And I was part of that. Something this fucking strong could not be a one-way street. We were good for each other. I was good for her. I was good.

"Oh my beautiful, Katie," I told her. "It's time for you to find out exactly how sexy your girlfriend can be."

I felt a shiver of excitement run through the body beneath me, and saw the hint of daring that flashed into her eyes.

"I think you could be right," she said seductively.

I didn't move for a moment, letting my eyes do my work for me, running them over her body and letting her know all the places I was going to touch her. I ran my forefinger over her lips, and allowed her to take it as she opened her mouth to bite it. She sucked it and licked it, before relinquishing it so I could repeat the process with my middle finger. The sight of her lips closing around me was almost too much. It was suddenly imperative that I feel their touch on mine. I was just about to lean to taste my prize when the sound of Rhianna's 'S&M' came blasting out of Katie's phone alarm.

"CuntyMcFucknugget!" she exclaimed. "Fucking work."

I knew she didn't mean it. I knew she was really enjoying working at the theatre. And being the all-new non fucking things up Effy, I decided not to fuck it up for her.

"Noooo…." She wailed mournfully as I rolled off her and lay to one side.

"Babe, you don't want to be late," I said. "And you need to get up and shower because I am fucking _all_ over you."

I had switched my tone to pure filth for the last part of that sentence, and its effect on my fiery lover was predictable as she jumped on me and pinned my hands above my head.

"And I am all over you, _honey_," she growled at me.

And it was true. Katie has this thing about being covered in me. It's not the kind of thing I would ever have expected from someone so previously unwavering in her heterosexuality, but she fucking loves my juices. And God knows she generates enough of them, she makes me so fucking wet for her. Often after she's fucked me, she'll wipe her hand on herself, on her breast or across her stomach, and it drives me fucking crazy. It's an animal thing. I want to smell myself on her, and she knows that I can't resist it. But last night, fuck me, last night….I would have pulled the bed apart if I could have just to get to her. I was lying on my back tied up and fighting for breath after yet another spectacular fuck, when she kneeled up tall and made me watch her as she drew on herself like she was putting on tribal warpaint. On her breasts, across her biceps, and up her thighs. She slid back in for a refill, making me arch off the bed and swear like my mother. She pulled out again and swiped two fingers across her cheeks, before trailing her hand between her breasts and down her stomach. I was seriously yanking at my restraints by then. Damn you circus girls and your perfect fucking knots. Katie dipped her hand inside her own pussy, and began to do the same to me, slowly drawing on me, anointing me as if this were some pagan ritual and I was the fucking sacrifice. She crawled up my body and painted herself across my face. It was quite possibly the hottest thing I had ever experienced.

"Now you're mine," she informed me.

And I so fucking was.

I knew I'd closed my eyes and drifted off for a moment, cause when I opened them again, Katie was looking down at me with a very smug grin on her face.

"You were thinking about it weren't you," she whispered.

"You got any plans for the weekend?" I asked her, watching her face fall at my apparent disregard for her seductiveness.

"No, not really," she pouted. "Learn some lines maybe. Why, did you have something in mind?"

"I wondered if you'd like to spend the whole weekend fucking?" I asked her.

Katie collapsed down onto me, laughing as she smothered me with kisses.

"I would love to spend the whole weekend fucking," she smiled.

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Later that day I found myself waiting anxiously for Katie to get back from work. I had never done anything like this before, and I was honestly rather nervous. I just wanted to do something nice for her after all the shit I'd put her through, and I hoped I was going to get it right, but let's face it, it wasn't like I exactly had a frame of reference. I had started pacing the moment I'd got the text from her saying she was coming home. If I'm honest I would have thought she would stay out with her new cast longer, it being their first Friday night. And then I could have put this off till another night. But the wheels were in motion and I was just going to have to run with it. Half an hour later I heard her key turning in the lock and I lost my last chance to just abandon my plan and act like nothing was going on.

Katie ran into my arms as soon as she was through the door and started covering my face with enthusiastic kisses.

"Mmmm, it's good to be home," she said when she stopped to catch her breath.

"I thought you would have wanted to stay out longer with you new mates," I replied, wrapping my arms around her waist. I wanted her to feel able to enjoy this opportunity without always having to feel she has to run home to me.

"I missed you," she said, resuming the enthusiastic kisses. "Johnny did try to have a go at me for being a lightweight, but then Michael said 'have you seen what she gets to go home to?' and he shut right up. It's not like I was even drinking anyway, so how could I be a lightweight? I swear every fucking guy in that company is jealous of me. And Steph of course…"

I do love a Katie Fitch excited babble it has to be said.

"They should be jealous of me," I told her. "I'm the one with the superfit girlfriend."

"They should be jealous of both of us, cause we're both as fit as fuck and they can only watch and weep," she replied, kissing me again more deeply. I felt myself falling into her. A confident Katie is pretty much irresistible.

"Now then, how about we get started on those weekend plans?" she smiled, leaning in for yet another delicious meeting of lips. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth in anticipation, but the longed for contact never came.

"Oh my God, something smells good," said Katie, noticing the aromas drifting from the kitchen for the first time.

"Yeah, I sorted us some dinner," I said sheepishly.

"You are an angel," said Katie. "Cause I am fucking starving. All that acting shit is harder than it looks."

She grabbed my hand, and started pulling me towards the kitchen, stopping after a couple of steps when she noticed what I'd done to the counter. I'd only copied stuff I'd seen on TV, you know, roses and candles and shit, but the look on Katie's face seemed to indicate I'd done alright.

"Is this for me, babes?" she said, grinning at me sideways.

"Yeah," I said hesitantly.

The grin grew wider.

"Effy, are you being like…romantic?" she teased.

"Yeah," I murmured whilst affecting a shrug.

"I fucking love it," laughed Katie. "I never thought I'd see it, but I fucking love it."

"Sweet," I said, leading her over to a high seat by the counter. We didn't have a proper table, so it was the best I could do. Katie looked like a kid on a trip to the seaside, until her face fell on the bottle of wine next to the roses.

"Effy, why is there a bottle of wine in here?" she said cautiously.

"It's for you," I replied. "I don't want you living a half life for me any more. It shouldn't matter if you want to have a drink when you go out with your mates, or have a nice glass of wine with your dinner. It's not like you'd be snorting lines of coke in front of me. I love that you've been so supportive, but I can handle it."

I poured her a glass of the red, and handed it to her. She took a small hesitant sip, before immediately taking a larger, more enthusiastic one.

"Ohmygodthat'sfuckinggorgeous," she blurted. "What is it?"

"My Mum got it for me," I replied. "I told her I wanted to thank you for being so fucking amazing, and she said she wanted to thank you too. It think it's a pretty classy one."

"It's classy as fuck, babes," said Katie, taking another swig and making my bruised and battered heart beat like a champion amongst hearts. Just like you Katie, classy as fuck just like you.

I sat her down at the counter and proceeded to serve her dinner. It was only lasagne and salad, but Katie was smiling at me as if I was serving her the best food in the universe.

"You _made_ this?" she asked incredulously, eyeing up the dish that was clearly not out of a ready meal packet. She seemed so impressed that I almost didn't 'fess up, but that would have been too disrespectful to the chef.

"Dean made it," I admitted. "I helped."

"It's still awesome, babes," laughed Katie, wolfing down another mouthful. "And fucking delicious. You two would make someone a lovely wife one day. Dean could do the cooking, and you could handle the sex."

"At least I'm good at something," I pouted.

"Trust me," scorched Katie from across the counter. "You're very good at that."

She scarfed down her dinner like she hadn't eaten for a week, and helped herself to a generous portion of seconds. This might be my first ever attempt at a romantic dinner, but for Katie it was also refreshingly functional. She looked so happy as she ate and drank and regaled me with stories from work, that I barely touched my own food I was so entranced by her.

"This is great," she said suddenly.

"What?" I asked her.

"This." She said gesturing round at all my efforts with her fork. "Getting home from work, to find a lovely romantic dinner. It's all so…. It's all so…"

I watched her consider the use of her next word.

"Normal," she said finally. "It's all so normal."

"And you like that?" I asked her.

"It doesn't suck," she replied.

I looked at how happy she was, and thought back to the pain I'd put her through with my relapse, and a sudden thought struck me.

"We could keep it like this," I offered.

"What do you mean?" asked Katie.

"I mean this is good, isn't it?" I said. "Now that I've settled on this dose. It's good. So what if we stop here, you know? I feel better. More awake. I think I could live with things like this."

"No!" said Katie, so firmly she startled me. "We haven't come this far just to give up. I know this is a lovely interlude, but I'm not fucking stopping till you're free. I don't want you to live a half life just to keep the peace with me either. I know you can do this, Effy."

Her brown eyes drilled into me from across the table offering me no compromise.

"And you know it too," she told me.

Truth was I did. I really fucking believed I could do it now, and my offer had been out of love for her rather than a belief that I would be better off staying as we were. But in the end that was a false love. She had worked so fucking hard for so long to get me well, it was an insult to think she'd want to take the easy way out. I had to see this through, because she didn't deserve anything less.

"I love you, Katie," I told her.

"Hard not to when I'm this fucking awesome," she smirked at me.

It was hard to disagree.

"Steady on," I said as I saw her clearly debating the possibility of thirds within her head. "You should leave some room for pudding."

"There's pudding?" she said, looking up at me excitedly. "What is it?"

"Do you even need to ask?" I said, letting a hint of Dark Effy creep into my eyes.

Katie countered by letting her own black angel wings start to spread.

"Does this mean I get to be the plate again?" she said seductively.

"If you want," I replied.

"Oh I want," she assured me. "I most definitely want."

We sat there, just eyeing each other lustfully for a few minutes, before Katie broke it.

"I might need a bit of digesting time before pudding activities," she smiled patting her belly. "How's about a bit of snuggling on the couch? You can ravish me with raspberries later."

"Sounds fucking fantastic," I replied.

She grabbed her wine, and I put on some different music on and we hit the sofa. I allowed myself to slip into the lazy comfort, as she wrapped herself around me as I lay on my back propped up against the cushions. We chatted idly for a while, but then I noticed Katie becoming quieter and quieter. Her breathing started to even out, and I smiled to myself as I realised she was falling asleep. I stroked her back lightly, encouraging her descent into unconsciousness. I knew she had been working hard all week and fully deserved the rest. Raspberry pavlova could wait. Tonight I had made Katie happy and that was the best fucking feeling in the world.

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I woke up with a weight on my legs and a strange tickling sensation on my belly. Somehow I had managed to get a very sleepy Katie to bed last night, but the vision I awoke to was a very different creature indeed. Her hair was up in a loose ponytail with delectable little strands falling down around her face. She was still in last night's make up, gloriously smudged to give her a sexy as fuck 'hot mess' look. She was straddling me dressed in a plunging aubergine bra and matching lacy thong. And she was writing on my belly in lipstick.

"Morning Fuckalicious," she said, when she spotted I was awake.

"Am I dead?" I asked her, unwilling to believe that such a vision could exist on an earthly plane.

"Nah, babes. You're special," she countered. "You get to play with your angel whilst you're still alive."

I tried to lift my head to she what she was writing on me, but she pushed it playfully back down.

"No peeking," she chided, and went about finishing her task. I let her. Fuck it, I would let her do anything she liked. Probably for the rest of my life. When she had finished her task, she crawled back up my body, but hovered above me so as not to smudge her design. As she glared down at me her eyes held a look that was a divinely perfect mixture of adorable cheekiness and pure unadulterated filth that I had only ever seen on one other person. I guess that was something else that the twins had in common. She leaned in for a delectable kiss, but still kept our bodies separate. The ache between my thighs drove an urge to pull her down onto me and turn the kiss into something fierce, but when I moved my hands to try, she pulled away from me shaking her head and tutting with an evil glint in her eye. She slid her way back down towards my belly and started licking her way round the words she had inscribed on me.

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ…." I moaned as the subtle trajectory of her tongue kickstarted the dopamine sprinkler system in my brain.

"Don't worry, baby," Katie assured me. "It's L'Oreal Invincible. It's kiss proof."

It felt like a bomb went off in my brain, and the chemicals threw a free for all and started rioting down my neural pathways. No drink, no drugs, no lover could possibly compare to the experiences Katie showered upon me with the tiniest of touches. She was a one woman total pleasure machine, and I totally fucking lost it long before she pushed my legs apart and thrust her tongue inside my cunt. My universe was a revolution of sound and sensation. All the deathly shadows that had haunted me for so long were now bathed in light. All my demons were happy dancing members of the tribe. I laughed as much as I screamed when Katie's tongue started dancing a beautiful ballet around my clit, her elegant choreography electrifying my nerve endings and sending frantic messages of 'what the fuck?' between my brain and body. Was there a finite point beyond which it was physically impossible for sex to become any more pleasurable? If so I had to be near to reaching it.

Apparently not. Katie slipped her fingers into me and I think I nearly flipped us both off the bed with the violence of my arch. She sucked down hard on my clit as she increased her pace, and I grabbed gratefully at the metal bars of Emily's carefully chosen headboard. I lifted my head to watch the magnificent things that Katie was doing to me, and caught sight of the first word that was scrawled on my belly. I couldn't make out the others, as Katie driving herself into me caused me to fling my head back into the pillows and release a volley of expletives. But the first one had simply read 'Effy'.

The simple fact of seeing my own name daubed on my belly in her lipstick was enough for my brain and body to collaborate in unleashing an orgasm of fucking monumental proportions upon me, and the deafening sounds of abandon in my own voice would have made me laugh had I not been too busy screaming the fucking house down. I have never been much of a screamer, but Katie didn't leave me much choice as she pushed me to the limits of my endurance. And beyond.

I felt like I was having a full on attack of dyskinesia as my body shuddered almost uncontrollably in the wake of my climax, but it was only aftershock after aftershock hitting me like a jackhammer pounding into pavement. It took me minutes to come down to even a semblance of recovery. All I could do was moan a feeble 'nooo…' when Katie pulled out of me and hopped off the bed.

"Don't move," she told me.

I don't think I could have even if I tried. She walked over to the shelf by the window and picked up my camera, before returning and standing at the foot off the bed.

"You look so fucking beautiful," she said, jumping onto the bed and firing off shots of me lying helplessly fucked beneath her. She started playing photographer, giving me instructions of where to put my hands and how to look at her, and I complied, giving myself over to her gaze behind the lens.

"Ha ha ha, this shit is cool," she laughed, when she stopped and reviewed the shots. "A little something for my private collection…"

Eventually she got bored of the game, and dropped down to lie beside me, proudly handing me the camera so I could see her favourite shot. People have been telling me my whole fucking life how beautiful I am, but the moment I looked at myself in the aftermath of Hurricane Katie was the first time I believed it. I had to let myself have a Cookie Monster of a laugh when I finally got to see what she had written on me.

'Effy For Breakfast…'

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Ok, so we didn't exactly spend the _whole_ weekend fucking. There was a modicum of housework, we needed to change and wash the sheets after 'The Pavlova Lunch Incident.' Katie did a bit of work, and I helped her learn her lines. Admittedly, this took place whilst we were both naked in our luxurious bathtub, and there was bathtub sex soon afterwards, but still… We even managed to get some decent food eaten. Again this was a naked picnic on the crashmat just after we'd fucked each other's brains out on it, but it did provide a small interlude. On Sunday afternoon Dean came round cause his TV had bust and there was some football match he wanted to watch.

"You'll have to hang on a minute," I said as I opened the door to him. "Katie's naked."

I saw the flash run through his eyes, and raised my eyebrows at him.

"What?" he challenged me. "Seventeen. Anything in a skirt, remember?"

"She's not exactly wearing a skirt right now," I teased him as I looked back in to see her making a frantic dash for the bedroom.

"Not helping," scoffed Dean. "We don't all have superhot girlfriends we can be smug about."

I finally took pity on him and let him in the room. I took another stab at playing the good wife as Dean and Katie sat glued to the match, making tea and delivering them snacks. Dean kept yelling and cursing players and managers and moaning about tactics, but to my surprise, Katie seemed equally as knowledgeable. But whilst Dean was enthralled by the progress of the game, I suspect Katie's keen interest in the events on the screen had more to do with the footballers' themselves. Despite her new found Sapphic artistry, Katie still had a healthy appreciation of the male form. But it was the other side of her nature that rose to the fore when she came to find me in the kitchen during the post match commentary. A friendly kiss, turned into a caress, turned into a snog, which turned into a full on heavy make out session with me pushed up against the fridge.

"I wanna do some more fucking," Katie whispered in my ear, once she broke the kiss.

I looked over to see Dean watching us over the back of the sofa. His face flushed bright red when he realised I'd caught him perving.

"I'll get my coat," he said, gazing at the floor in embarrassment.

When Katie just laughed, I realised how carefree she had become about being with me. I was part of who she was now, and she had nothing to hide from anyone.

When Dean left, I dragged her back into the bedroom. We'd fucked pretty much everywhere else in the house by then, so it seemed natural to start over. She span me round and threw me on the bed and my mind jumped once again to the night she had reclaimed me.

"I want something," I said as she looked own at me. Mischief started blazing in her eyes.

"Is it what I think you want?" she teased me.

"Do you trust me?" I asked her.

I knew I was going to slowfuck her from the moment I first thought of it. I love slowfucking her, but to do it when she was tied to the bed, completely mine was feeding the devil in my soul. As I finished the final knot and sat back to admire my woman, I took leave of my consciousness and handed Dark Effy the keys. Katie stared back up at me with a mixture of arousal, and fear.

"Oh. Fuck…" she said softly.

I left her there as I went searching for what I needed, coming back with a glass of water, a paint brush, and some of the gold and silver body paint she sometimes used for gigs. I spent the next twenty minutes just painting her, teasing her with the brush as I covered her with swirling patterns and stars. Then I photographed her, my beautiful metallic angel laid out and bound before me, desperate for my touch. It was sexy as fuck and I hadn't even kissed her yet, but the way she looked at me with such love and such need was priceless. I had to savour it. Her body was already writhing against her restraints and even at a distance I could feel how much she needed me. I started to trace her patterned skin with my fingers, and then followed it with my lips, the music of Katie's fabulous foul-mouthery only tempting me to draw out her torture more. When I finally relented and kissed her, I thought she was going to suck the very breath out of me, so hungry was her response. I hovered over her, and let her take my breast, and she sucked and lapped at me as if it contained the elixir of life. She cried out when I took it away from her, but her protests were stifled as I took my mouth to her own magnificent tits. I lost myself there for a while, mesmerised by the wonder of her curves, the taste of her skin, and the incomparable texture of her soft mounds. I swear I could get lost there for days, especially when she calls my name so beautifully at each new act of stimulation.

She was unbelievably wet by the time I entered her, and I took my time to savour this as well, relishing every contour of her astonishingly gorgeous cunt. Sliding slowly in and out of her, playing her and reacting to her responses. She cried, she screamed, she moaned, and she begged, but I knew she loved this just as much as I did. I kissed my way back up her body, never breaking the rhythm of my gentle caresses inside her. I teased and tasted her breasts again, and she pushed herself up towards me, and thrust her hips against my hand, trying to draw me in deeper, trying to make me consume her. I nipped gently at her neck sliding myself in further between her legs. Her cries were guttural, their sounds emerging from deep within her animal brain. Our eyes connected, she was giving herself to me in the deepest way possible and we became one. With each other, with the stars, with all the powerful forces that forge a multitude of universes. So this is Love then. It exists, and I own it. This vital chemistry that makes us more than we could ever be alone.

Dr Fisher's research tells us that once romantic love begins in earnest, it becomes one of the most powerful drives on Earth, more powerful even than hunger. In this moment I didn't doubt it. I would cross continents for this woman. I would fight armies for Katie Fitch. She makes me something I have never been before.

Strong.

I pushed more of myself into her. I wanted to climb right inside her and fuse our bones and our blood. I wanted us to be stronger. I wanted us to be fucking invincible. Both of us were covered in sweat, and her muscles bulged against the restraints as I fucked her. She was everything. Beautifully toned strength and power mixed with exquisite pure feminine softness. She was my universe, my angel, my Katie Fucking Fitch.

I could feel her coming, I knew her body like my own. I heard the volume and ferocity of her swearing increase until she would have had estate gangs blushing and covering their ears. And then I felt her tighten around me and had to fight the urge to burst into tears. All those years of running from emotions came crashing down around my head, when everything I had needed for all that time was condensed into this moment. A tiny fist of energy that took root within my heart, making sure the strength I found this night would never leave me.

"Untie me," commanded Katie. "I need to hold you."

As I released her from her bonds, she scooted up to sitting, and pulled me into a straddle on her lap. She proceeded to squeeze me so hard I thought I was going to pass out. But I didn't complain, I was loath to diminish the intensity of our connection. Eventually Katie tangled her hands up in my hair and pulled us slightly apart.

"How was it for you?" she smiled.

"Intense," I admitted freely. "You?"

"I think we just got married," she laughed.

"Absolutely, Mrs Fitch," I said through kisses.

Once again it was Katie who pulled us apart.

"Which means we're ready for the next step," she said firmly.

"Which is?"

"We're taking your dosage down again tomorrow."

She was looking at me with absolute certainty and belief in her eyes. I felt the tiny fist of energy implanted by my angel begin shaking inside my heart, and allowed a slow satisfied smile to creep across my face.

"Bring it on," I said.

No fucking demon's gonna mess with me.


	37. 37 Bathed In Light

**A/N Firstly, apologies for the long wait between updates, but as usual my life gets kinda crazy when we're making a new show, and everything else has to take a back seat.**

**Secondly some technical terms. The green room in a theatre is the back stage space where everyone gets to chill out, make coffee, eat food etc. RADA stands for the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, a posh theatre school in London, and though it does produce some wonderful actors many of whom I've had the privilege to work with, some cunts who go there think it makes them better than everyone else. It doesn't.**

**I don't own Skins, but I do fucking love it. I've sneaked a couple of the Gen 3 guys in here, just cause they have started to get into my blood.**

**And finally some shout outs. For SarahKI – Bonne chance avec tous. Soyez courageuse et avoir de l'espoir. For SJ, still thinking of ya kid, and hoping you're doing ok. And finally for the woman across the ocean who makes my mornings beautiful. You know who you are xx**

37. Bathed In Light

Katie

"I think you're gonna want to come in here, Katie," Steph's voice called out through the back door to the theatre. I was outside smoking. I wouldn't normally be smoking in the day, but I was fucking nervous.

"Fuck, is it that time already?" I asked her, taking a few more frantic puffs before having to return.

Nah, babe, you're cool," replied Steph calmly. "I'm just think you're going to want to come in here."

I looked at Johnny and Michael to see if they knew what the crack was, but they both just shrugged and looked at me blankly. I took a final drag and crushed out the cigarette, before turning and following Steph back inside. When we got to the green room, I saw all the female members of the cast swooning round the most fabulous bunch of flowers that was sitting on the table.

"Wow, they're beautiful," I swooned a little myself. "Who are they for?"

Realisation hit when every head in the room turned and looked at me with a stupid grin plastered to its face. Seconds later my own grin was twice as stupid. I felt like a proper star getting gorgeous fucking flowers delivered for my opening night.

"Aren't you going to read your card?" said one of the actors excitedly, and I was urged on by the rest of the women. I sauntered over to the table, more for their benefit than for mine. I didn't need to read the card. I knew who they were from. The whole bouquet was made up from beautiful white flowers. It was tasteful, it was classy and it was elegant. It was from Effy. She was the only person I'd ever dated who had that kind of style. I opened the card with a flourish for my audience and read it out.

"For my angel. Fly high tonight. You will be nothing less than brilliant. I have seen it. All my love, Effy."

A general wave of simpering went round the group.

"She's so romantic." Sighed Nadine, the girl who was playing the lead.

"Yeah," I smirked, trying to stifle a laugh. "She actually is."

It was something I had never expected, and I had never really craved it from her as I knew by the time we got together that what we had was something far more profound than a love that had to be constantly proven by the execution of ritual gestures. But it turned out that recovering Effy had quite a gift for the art of romance. And being Effy she was incredibly creative about it. One day I would find a folded up piece of paper in my pocket, that when I opened it out would contain a beautiful image that she had made especially for me. Another time I'd checked my phone at tea break to find voice texts from her reading snippets of the book I was reading. Once I had picked up an envelope addressed to me at the theatre which when I opened it had contained nothing but a memory stick. I plugged it into my netbook to find she had made me some kind of crazy mashup out of all different snatches of songs, spelling out a message of love. I had sent her a moany text one lunchtime, and then found her waiting outside the theatre for me at the end of the day with cupcakes. She would make me my (second) favourite breakfast, poached eggs on potato cakes, and she would cut the potato cakes into heart shapes. And she was always sending me pictures by email. Sometimes they were silly, sometimes they were incredibly sexy, but always they were guaranteed to make me smile.

"You're so lucky Katie," sighed Steph beside me. Even our cool as a cucumber, ultra competent stage manager was liable to get a little swoony where Effy was concerned. "Does she have a sister?'

"Does she have a brother?" piped in Nadine. She was one of those creatures who definitely always in the market for a man, somewhat desperately at times. I felt a wave of sympathy wash over me, as I remembered that I used to be just like her. It feels like another lifetime now.

"Actually she does," I told her. "And he's single, extremely handsome and he's coming tonight."

"Ooh, you'll have to introduce me," she squealed.

"Actually, I've got a few fit guys coming tonight," I said, much to her delight. All the Abandon lot were coming, and I felt sure that even if Tony wasn't up for it, Cook or Freddie would be happy to help her get laid. God knows she needed it. She was kind of uptight and she was making all our lives a misery with her little diva hissy fits. Especially during tech week, which involves days with really long hours and lots of standing around in costume getting bored out of our skulls, whilst the tech team set up their shit. The little tart was lucky. She would have been well and truly Fitchslapped on more than one occasion if Nathan hadn't been around to calm me down. And if I didn't have the most awesome girlfriend in the world.

Truth is, my crazy lady had suddenly morphed into the perfect boyfriend I had always wanted, except obviously a lot more woman shaped. She was now down to a half dosage of just one pill, and there didn't seem to be any unpleasant side effects this time. What had happened was that she became possessed by manic bursts of energy. She was always working. Half the actors on the company wanted her to do their new headshots, once they had seen the ones she'd done for me. She'd taken some wonderful shots of the boys down at the skate park, and of Dean doing his crazy crutch dancing, and she would spend hours on her computer, beavering away at films and animations that she still wouldn't let me see. Despite all of this, she was pretty much running the house whilst I was so busy at work, buying all the food, starting to cook more stuff, doing my laundry for me and always telling me to leave the washing up. I had spent a lot of my time looking after Effy under extreme circumstances, and willingly so, but now things had started to change for us, she was paying me back with a vengeance. In the beginning I had looked after her because she made me feel needed, now she was looking after me, and she was making me feel loved.

It would seem we had perfected one of the most difficult tricks of all. How to turn something extreme and intense into something that can function in the everyday world, and has the tools to make it last. I found myself wondering if Emily and Naomi would be able to make that transition with such ease. I mean, obviously they were besotted with each other, but their passion was so grand, I did worry that they would burn themselves out with it, and then be left with nothing.

My thoughts were interrupted by Linda from box office coming through with another big bunch of flowers.

"Katie," she said, prompting a round of ooohs, from the people in the room.

"Secret lover, Katie?" teased Johnny. "Tell Effy, I'll comfort her."

I gave him a quick slap round the back of the head before turning my attention to the flowers. Not as extravagant as Effy's bouquet, but a still classy arrangement of reds and oranges. Emily, I smiled to myself. I was looking forward to catching up with her after the show, I did miss the little lezzer slag.

"And this," giggled Linda, holding out a cactus in a bowl.

"What the fuck?" I frowned.

"Card says Katie Fitch," she shrugged.

I set down Emily's flowers and reached over for the spiky object, carefully extracting the card.

"You are going to be fucking badass. And if anyone tells you any different, you can shove this up their ass. Love, the mother in law xxx"

I burst out laughing at Anthea's spiky note, and all sense of nerves left my body. With three such fabulously feisty women on my team, how could I fucking fail? I felt myself trying, and failing to stifle a yawn.

"Wake up, Katie," said Steph, poking me in the ribs. "We can't have you falling asleep during the show."

"All those long days in tech week certainly take it out of you," sighed Nadine dramatically. "My voice is definitely suffering."

Yeah, well maybe if you didn't spend so much time whining, it would be in better shape, bitch. I longed to say it, I longed to just tell it like it is, but I saw Steph giving me a warning look. The last thing she needed was another luvvie tantrum at this stage of the game. Fortunately I was distracted by Michael being a dick.

"It's not the long days that have got Katie yawning," he grinned salaciously. "It's the long nights."

Try as I might, I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face at his words. I was so fucking busted.

"I knew it," said Michael, dancing around the room with glee.

I had gotten home about midnight last night, but Effy was still up in her studio. I popped my head in, gave her a quick kiss and then headed straight to bed, my mind and body wiped from another long day of hanging around (and not in a good way). I think I must have passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow, but after only a couple of hours I woke up again, my mind churning fretfully with all the shit from the show. I rolled over to find an Effy shaped space in my bed, and stuck my lip out in a dissatisfied pout. I was overtired and grumpy and I wanted my girl. I wanted to feel her soft skin against mine and have her shut out all the business in my head. I groaned when I found my phone and checked the time. Two thirty am, surely she couldn't still be working? Fuck it, I was going to get a glass of water and persuade her to come to bed. I padded across to the kitchen a drank a huge glass of water before turning back towards the studio. A familiar panic began to grip my stomach as I realised the lights to her room were off. I knew she had been ok for ages now, but my body's reaction was instantaneous. No matter how good it got, I lived in fear. I lived with the constant fear that something would happen to her, and I'd have to go chasing off after her again.

"Oh for fuck's sake,Effy. Not now, not tonight," I murmured, unable to be anything but selfish about the thought of having to deal with an episode the night before we opened. "Not fucking fair."

I looked around the dimly lit room. Her leather was still slung casually on the sofa. I took this as a good sign, as she rarely went out without it. But then again, if the Dog Lord of Azerbaijan was snarling at her, she was hardly likely to stop to pick up her coat. I edged my way towards the studio, almost not wanting to get there if it meant discovering that my honey had done a runner.

"Effy?" I called tentatively as I opened the door to her room.

My heart started pounding as I was met with silence. For the first time since I'd known her, I felt a real anger rising in my belly towards her. She couldn't fucking do this to me tonight. It's not like I could ignore her. It's not like I had any fucking choice but to go after her. I burst into the room just about ready to scream, but all my resentful wind was taken right out of my sails when I saw her curled up on the spare bed with Pato. I knew he'd been in the room when I'd gone to bed, which means she must have come in, and chosen not to sleep with me. I was surprised at how much that upset me. She looked so adorably cute all snuggled up and sleeping, and I should have just left her to sleep. But I couldn't let it lie, my body was aching for her warmth, and I wanted her to be with me tonight.

I sat down on the bed beside her and began gently stroking the arm that was wrapped around Pato.

"Effy," I said softly. "Effy, wake up."

Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked sleepily around her, registering that it was still the middle of the night.

"What's wrong?" she mumbled, in such a cute little asleep voice, that my heart ached even more that she'd chosen to sleep without me.

"Why didn't you come to bed, babes?" I asked.

Effy shifted her weight onto her back so she could look at me directly.

"I didn't want to wake you up," she answered. "You've got a big day tomorrow."

"Well you did anyway," I said. "I missed you."

"You were asleep," she smiled at me lazily.

"I can still miss you when I'm asleep," I pouted. "My body can sense when you're not there."

She said nothing, simply pulling back the covers and inviting me in. I accepted the offer immediately, wrapping myself around her and savouring the sensation of her skin.

"That's better," I murmured into her shoulder. "Much, much better."

She turned her head towards me and our lips met in a light kiss. It wasn't enough. I shifted my weight up onto one elbow and kissed her again. It still wasn't enough. I needed her sweet mouth open and asking for mine. I kissed her slowly, not breaking it until she let me in, and then once she had, I found it impossible to stop. I found myself sliding on top of her, and deepening the kiss, desire rising within me as she started kissing back in earnest and I felt her body begin to move beneath me.

"You should get some sleep," she moaned as I relinquished her mouth to rain kisses down upon her neck. She didn't sound too convinced. This was going to be easy.

"Fuck sleep," I said. "I want to get down with my woman."

I took her mouth again, and felt her pushing her tits up against mine as she moaned. I loved how much I could turn her on. How she always let me have my wicked way with her. I started sliding my thigh up and down between hers, and I felt her body responding, her arms clinging tightly round my back, and her mouth seeking mine even harder.

It was fucking beautiful, which was why I was so stunned when I heard her gasp out, "Wait."

"What?" I said, stopping dead.

It was only a moment, but it was enough for her to flip me onto my back.

"Wait," she repeated. "I want to show you something."

I groaned as she pulled back off me and got out of bed. I got even more frustrated when she went over to her desk and started fiddling with her computer.

"Can't it wait till the morning?" I protested. I wanted her back in bed with me now.

"You won't have time in the morning," she countered. "I want to show you now."

I stopped complaining when I face her face reflected in the light from her computer. She had a look in her eye that I had been seeing more and more recently, and despite my own selfishness in this moment, I fucking loved it. It was this air of excited determination she had when she was working, when that extraordinary mind of hers stopped eating away at her soul and started feeding it instead. It reminded me of just how far she had come from the defeated hopeless woman I had first encountered. Effy had a fire in her heart now, and it made me proud as fuck to know that I had helped to light it. But she was burning under her own power these days, and I watched lovestruck as she started powering up a bunch of projectors she'd suspended from the roof. I closed my eyes at the sudden brightness of their start-up screens, and didn't open them until the room had gone dark again.

"Come here," said Effy, holding out here hand to beckon me into the centre of the room.

I got up to join her and she kissed me briefly before turning away to hit the space bar on her MacBook.

"Welcome to Effyland," she said.

Suddenly the room was bathed in light. Images flooded over every surface, and a soundscape burst out of speakers all around me, transforming the studio into a whole different world. Incredible colours morphed and melted into each other as Effy's doctored photos and film spilled out onto the walls. I span round in wonder, not knowing where to look first whilst chasing the motion within the installation. Some of the images were recognisable, some were more abstract, but the way they flowed in and out of each other as they dipped and swirled around the soundtrack made me want to cry with happiness. The air was filled with the sound of human voices as samples of different types of choirs emerged and retreated, from gospel, to male voice, to African dance, to atonal Bulgarian. These were Effy's voices, finally tamed and shaped into something beautiful. I let out a laugh of joy as I my own image joined the visual landscape, Angel Katie floating across the walls. My eyes chased myself around the room as I disappeared and re-emerged within the glorious maelstrom of light. She had made me look heavenly, otherworldly as my image glowed even brighter than the delicious environment around me.

I stopped breathing for a moment, when I realised that this was how she saw me. That this level of perception was as real for her as the every day boring universe was to me. Her soft voice in my ear confirmed it.

"This is what I see when I'm with you," she whispered. "Effyland used to be a terrifying place, until you came and banished the demons, and now I'm left with this. This is what we've been fighting for, Katie. A world without fear, a world without the darkness."

That time I did start to cry, but my heart was bursting with euphoria, not just from the physical sensations that Effy's beautiful art was inspiring inside me, but from the fact that she had finally found a place where she could create it.

"It's beautiful, Eff," I whispered out the fucking understatement of the year. "It must have taken you fucking ages."

"I've been working on it since that time in the shower at your dad's gym," she told me. "I wanted to show you what you mean to me."

"But this isn't just about me," I said, turning round to kiss her on her forehead. "This is about you. Your incredible perception, your vision. You're a fucking genius. We have to show this to people. This is heaven. You have made fucking heaven."

"Isn't that where angels live?" she smiled at me.

I didn't know how to talk about art, but I knew when it made me feel stuff that it was good. Emily used to drag me along to galleries as a wingman when she wanted to meet smart chicks, and I would wander about amidst the paintings and the sculptures and stuff. Some of it would just go right over my head, and I didn't fucking get it. But other stuff would just reach right into me and I would just love it, though I could never tell you why. Sometimes we would get high before we went, and then it was even better, it was easier to see the ones that mattered, and they would matter even more. The shapes, the colours and the textures would spark something in my heart and I could feel a sense of physical elation as I let my eyes drink in the detail. And then some wanker types would come by and start spouting some knobjockey twaddle about it all and I just wanted them to shut the fuck up so I could look, and feel, and know.

And I knew I was probably biased, what with being in love with the artist and all, but Effy's work was the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. I could have stood there all night, just drinking in the detail of the world inside her head. And even though this version of it was a bright and beautiful and welcoming place, it helped me to understand how this much intensity of perception turned against her could drive a girl to madness.

Suddenly the walls went dark and we were dumped unceremoniously back into dull reality.

"Again, again," I insisted. "Put it on a fucking loop."

Of course I made love to her. I made love to her all fucking night. Tracing my fingertips over her back as my own angel image danced illuminated across her skin. Joining our hands and reaching them upwards into the mesmerising sea of light. Pushing her up against a wall until our bodies became camouflaged by the shifting colours. Listening to her moans as they blended with the celestial voices of the choirs. Watching her as she trailed kisses up and down the contours of my light painted flesh. Staring deep into her eyes as I came, knowing that she sees me shining every day. Exploring and tasting and feeling each other until we were becoming part of the art itself. It was trippy, as if Effy had physically drawn me into the space between universes that she herself inhabited. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to dance with her in this multilayered colourful utopia for the rest of my days. It was probably just a trick of the light, my retinas deceived after spending hours in a shape shifting otherworldy dimension, but I swear as I entered her just one more time I saw her body begin to glow with an indefinable light that fell halfway between UV and white that only intensified as I pushed her towards climax. My eyes were unfocused and I was only half awake, but my body was driving me onwards. I had fully abandoned myself to the siren Effy now, but instead of destroying me, she was showing me her magic.

Somehow we must have eventually collapsed into sleep, because the next thing I knew I woke up in daylight. The loop was still playing, but the sunlight now streaming in through the skylights had diminished its power. Effy was now back curled round Pato, in exactly the same position as I had found her the night before. I gazed down on her with new eyes. She was just a sleeping girl. Albeit a profoundly beautiful sleeping girl. But I was going to have to order an entire case of extra hearts to contain the raging infernos of emotion I had for her now. Anthea once told me how from the moment she knew she was pregnant with Effy, she could feel that she was going to be something extraordinary. It seems like now she was finally able to let us know just how extraordinary she was going to be.

I was snapped out of the memory by the sound of my phone going off in my bag.

"God I wish I could find a boy to make me smile like that," said Nadine.

Again I felt sorry for her, despite the fact that she was a bitch.

"I don't think they make Effy in boy," I said dreamily. "Actually, I don't think they make her in girl either. I think there's only Effy, and you can't have her, cause she's mine."

I fished my phone out of my bag and looked down. It was a photo message from my girl. I opened it up. It was just the letter K projected on the wall.

"The Cheshire cat's just phoned in," said Nathan, who had joined the group whilst I was daydreaming. "He's retiring. He can't take the competition."

I was warming up when another message came in, this time it was just a large letter F torn from a magazine. My reaction caused another groan of exasperation from Ellen, another one of my co-workers.

"Seriously Katie," she sighed. I am going to have to get that girl of yours to give my boyfriend lessons in how to make a woman happy. You haven't stopped fucking smiling all day."  
"She's doing it so I won't get nervous," I said.

"You've got nothing to be nervous about," replied Ellen, in a lowered tone. "Quite frankly you've got more talent than some people who've been to fucking RADA."

I smiled as I realised she was having a sly dig at Nadine. I'd learned quite quickly that you didn't rock the boat here in the theatre world. Not like the open slanging matches and even smackdowns that I was used to in the circus. People like Nadine wouldn't have lasted five minutes in our world, but here it was almost compulsory to have at least one arsehole in the cast. Nathan had once told me that if you didn't know who the company cunt was, then it was you. Luckily Nadine had made herself the unanimous company cunt of choice, so I didn't have to worry.

Effy's messages kept coming in all the way through my prep. At first I thought I was just going to get a K and an F for Katie Fitch, but then another F appeared, this time drawn in the condensation on a window. Katie Fucking Fitch, yeah, sweet as, Eff. The next letter was another F, this time sprayed on a wall outside the warehouse. Then a T which was clearly made by Dean standing with his arms out to his sides and his head tucked inside his T-shirt. An finally a W, drawn out in some of the purple rope light that Effy had strung up in her studio. KFFFTW. Katie Fucking Fitch For The Win. By the time it came to go onstage my nerves were ancient history, and I was ready to make each member of the audience my own personal slave for the night.

After all the weeks of hard work and preparation, the show itself seemed to go by in minutes. I felt so confident, knowing that my lover and my band of brigands were out there to support me and I knew in an instant where they all were, the moment I heard Cook's familiar raucous laughter in the very first funny bit. I could tell the audience weren't used to seeing circus as they gasped in adoration at even the most simplest things we did. Matty, the boy aerialist in the show gave me a high five as we came offstage after our first scene.

"We totally fucking nailed 'em, girl," he grinned at me.

"They are going to cack their pants at our scene two entrance," I replied.

"Or come in them," giggled Matty.

I looked round at a harsh tutting sound and an exhaling of breath, to see Nadine staring daggers at the pair of us as she walked through to make her entrance.

"What the fuck is her problem?" said Matty once she had gone.

"She's just fucking scared we're going to steal her thunder," I scoffed.

"Well, we are," laughed Matty. "That girl sooo fucking needs to get laid."

"Are you offering?" I teased him.

"Hell no," he spluttered. "Are you?"

"No," I said, trying not to laugh so much I would ruin my make-up. "But I've got a friend who might. He'll pretty much shag anything."

"Oh God, bring him on," pleaded Matty. "Us lads need a break from being hit on."

As predicted the audience almost had heart failure when we made our entrance at the top of act two. We had wrapped ourselves into silks whilst the curtains were closed for the interval, but we were so high up into the grid that we couldn't be seen by the audience, and we'd gathered up the tails so that nothing was left dangling beneath us. On our cue, we both did a simultaneous drop into view, stopping with our heads just above the stage. It was a regular catchers drop, piss easy to do and safe as houses, but it still made everyone shriek with fright, apart from the small rowdy section of the audience who were just laughing at everyone else's reaction. The rest of the scene was awesome too. I liked working with Matty. He was cool and he was perfect for the part. He did get quite intense sometimes, but it wasn't as if I wasn't used to that when the High Priestess of Intensity was my soul mate. We blazed our way through the rest of the play and we were met with enthusiastic applause at curtain call. It wasn't the wild kind of shrieky shouty appreciation we would get at Abandon, but I guess for this audience it was fairly rapturous, and there was the rowdy section who were being a little less restrained in their appreciation.

A bottle of champagne was opened backstage and I was so high from the adrenalin and cumulative tiredness that I was already giddy after one glass. When I got back to my dressing room, I heard my phone beeping again. I absent-mindedly flicked on the screen as I engaged in the general euphoric first night banter with the other girls, but my breath was instantaneously ripped from me when I looked down at the picture. She had sent me one of my own Effy For Breakfast shots where she was naked, just fucked and scrawled on in my lipstick, with the caption 'Well done. Wanna come get your reward?'

I swear I must have nailed a world record for the fastest shower and change ever undertaken by womankind, as if the world would end if I didn't get Effy's face attached to mine within the next five minutes. I raced upstairs to the bar and saw her there, looking effortlessly gorgeous in the middle of our tribe, idly chatting to some random ginger guy. But I was unconcerned with any collaterals. I had my target in my sights, and nothing was going to keep me from her. I heard the ginger guy stop mid-sentence, as I grabbed Effy and kissed her furiously.

"I love you," I told her. "I love you so fucking much."

"I love you too, you were fucking amazing," she answered between more hungry, desperate kisses. I became vaguely aware that ginger guy was still staring at us, and that I'd interrupted their conversation.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just had to tell her."

"Yeah, no sure…" he muttered, suddenly staring at his feet.

"This is Alo," said Effy. "He's a mate of Matty's."

"Sweet," was all I managed to get out before strong arms picked me up from behind and twirled me round in the air.

"Don't be greedy Effy," laughed Cook. "The rest of us need some Katiekins lovin too."

He deposited me in the middle of my friends where I was surrounded by all of them hugging me and giving me praise.

"So that's your girlfriend, yeah?" I heard Alo's voice in the background.

"Yep," relied Effy smugly.

"Cool," he replied, though it was hard not to hear the regret in his voice.

"Welcome to the League of Disappointed Gentlemen," laughed Freddie.

It was almost too much, how everyone was lavishing so much attention on me, though I did have to laugh when I spotted Nadine's face when Anthea was loudly pontificating that me and Matty were 'the best fucking thing in the whole cunting play'. The old Katie would have loved it, being the princess, being the centre of everyone's world, but I had had grown up a lot in the past year, and being with Effy had taught me that there were a whole lot of things more important than the ego of Katie Fitch. Working hard and being part of a team for starters. Working hard and being part of a real relationship was another. I realised that everything that had happened to me this year had conspired to make me a better person, and that I liked the person I had become. The people that I respected had come to respect me too, and that finally I could respect myself. But then I noticed that there was one important person who hadn't come to join the gush fest, and my eyes shot round frantically trying to locate her.

I finally found her lurking by the door to the outside smoking area, and her eyes were locked on me. She was waiting for me. With a brief nod of her head she gestured for me to come outside, and I quickly slipped away from the crowd to follow her. As soon as she was outside, she lit up a cigarette and offered me one. I took one off her and sparked it up.

"So, quite the success then?" said Emily.

"Looks that way," I shrugged.

"I am so fucking proud of you," she said earnestly.

"It's just a stupid play," I said casually. Although Emily and I loved each other to our very cores. It wasn't often that we would compliment each other out loud.

"I'm not talking about the stupid play," smiled Ems. "I'm talking about everything. The way you came into your own at Abandon. The way you dealt with me and Naomi. The way you're branching out now and forging your own path. Everything you've done for Effy. You're a fucking amazing woman, Katie, and I hope you fucking know it. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met."

"It's not like you had much of a choice about meeting me," I laughed. "We did share a womb together."

"They say you can't choose your family," said Ems. "And God knows our can make our lives fucking interesting sometimes, but if I had to choose, I would choose you every fucking time. I fucking love you Katie Fitch, and I do miss you."

"I miss you too," I said, throwing myself into her arms.

"Roll on next summer, eh?" she said clinging tightly to me.

"Yeah," I said clinging tightly back.

I think we must have stayed holding each other for several minutes before I had the sneaking suspicion that we were not alone. I pulled away from my sister's embrace to see both Naomi and Effy lurking cool as fuck against the wall, fags in hand and dirty twinkles in their eyes.

"What's up with you two?" I said accusingly.

"Just smoking and perving, girls," smirked Naomi. "Just smoking and perving."

She shot a glance across at Effy for confirmation.

"True," nodded Effy. "Just smoking and perving."

I looked across at Emily and I didn't need to say a word for her to know what I was thinking, and to nod in smug agreement. Yeah, we had done alright for ourselves. Fitch twins in da house, scoring the hottest babes in town.


	38. 38 An Understanding Of Love

**A/N So firstly, a huge apology for being even worse than usual at reviewing. I've been involved in a show that has been taking up far more of my time and mental energy than it should have been doing, and it hasn't left me room for much else. So shouts out to all the fabulous writers who keep me entertained when times get tough. And to all the readers who have stuck with me for so long.**

**My thoughts go out to my wonderful reader rushing-air, and to her people in Japan.**

**A fist bump to my MTL homegirl who shares my love of light and colour.**

**And as always, for my Superbrained Black Country Princess. When life hands you lemons, yell TEQUIIILAAAAA! And bring on the dancing girls.**

**I don't own Skins, but I fucking love its beautiful light.**

38. An Understanding Of Love

Effy

This place is full of statues. I've never seen so many statues. They're everywhere. I can see some of them peering down at me now, and I'm trying not to see the devils in their faces. It's just cold metal, Effy, just cold metal. It can't hurt you. I light up a cigarette, taking deep long drags. It's still my brain, no matter how much better it has become. No matter how much better I have become at controlling it. I've been in this half-light before, poised on the edge of the gloom, trying not to get sucked in, and I have become increasingly successful at fighting back. But never when I've been a thousand miles from Katie.

I am in Budapest. My mum is making a show here and she invited me to be part of it. It was a massive moment. The moment I stopped being her fucked up daughter, and became a fellow professional. Someone she would be proud to work with. And it meant a lot, because Anthea never compromised when it came to art. She would never have given me work just because we're family, if I have a place on this project it's because I have earned it.

And that's one of the main reasons I accepted it despite my reservations about being away from Katie. I'm still on the drugs, down to the last dose, but recently things have been pretty stable. Katie and I have both been working hard, and I haven't had any side effects for ages. At the end of the day it was just too tempting, I mean Budapest. It's fucking beautiful. I haven't even been abroad since I got sick. I guess nobody wanted to take the chance of me having a freak out on a plane. Even so I had hesitated until Katie told me she believed in me and trusted me and wanted me to have this opportunity. Well, what she actually said was 'Get your fucking sweet skinny ass over to Hungary, or I'll steal your fucking camera and go my fucking self', but I am fluent in Katie now, and I knew exactly what she meant.

So now's my big chance to prove her right. I could feel the attack coming on. In retrospect I had been feeling it brewing for days, like the pressure building inside a volcano that has to be released. Let's face it, our working surroundings were hardly the most conducive to controlling my inner turmoil. We were in the labyrinth that ran beneath Buda Castle, a series of interconnected caves that were originally created naturally, but have been enhanced by man made additions. Even though they were done out and open to tourists most of the time, they were still pretty fucking spooky, but the group we were working with had taken them over for a month and were transforming the space into the journey from life into the underworld. The whole piece was going to be a visceral experience for the audience, as they would be totally immersed in this bizarre world with performers appearing all around them. It was almost as if they were trying to recreate the darker side of Effyland. It wasn't until I got here that I realised that's why Anthea had wanted my input so much. I had an authentic understanding of the journey to hell. It was a brave move on her part, knowing that perhaps I wouldn't be able to take it, and would have to leave the project. But being me, my work could never just be all about the light, and she was giving me a chance to release some of the darkness.

For the first week, it had been nothing but amazing, living in this elegant city, meeting new people and working in this incredible space, proving that I could do this outside of the protective bubble of Abandon. But this was a city that has known pain. History weighs heavily here. Constantly invaded and kicked around between empires and reichs, it has also seen failed rebellions and the massacre of it's own citizens on more than one occasion. The people here are gracious and welcoming, but their history still bleeds all around them. I can feel it. I can see it in the faces of all these fucking statues.

My beautiful life with Katie has lulled me into a false sense of security. I've started seeing a different future to the doom laden one that hung over my existence for so many years. But I'm still me, and my brain still has the potential to betray me, and the undeniable fact is that it almost inevitably will. The difference is that now I am more self aware, I have a choice as to how I react to it. We had been working all day. The pressure always mounts the nearer you get to opening a show. Everyone is tired, and everyone gets emotional and snappy, and the tiniest of things can be the straw to break a person's self control. All of this happens, even to the most regular of brains. What fucking chance did I stand?

Two of the performers were shouting. I had no idea what they were arguing about, but they were full on screaming at each other in Hungarian, when the sound or their voices began to change. It became unbearable, high pitched and warped and deafening, and the colours began to drip from the walls. I watched Anthea going over to stick her oar in, but her voice was unnatural too. She might as well have been screaming in Hungarian for all I knew. And then I felt it, the pressure building at the base of my skull, causing me to clutch at the sides of my head and making me want to rip my own hair out, and try to squeeze my expanding brain back into place. This was it. I knew the eruption was coming. Would it be a thing of spitting fire, putting on a show, and releasing the pressure without doing too much damage, or would it be a pyroclastic flow, blowing the side of the mountain off in fury and devastating everything in its path without a hope of survival?

One thing I knew was that I had to get out of there. I needed air. I needed a chance to breathe my way through this. But how do you make a speedy exit from an underground labyrinth when all your senses have decided to drop a dozen pills and get themselves monumentally fucked up. Labyrinth? Who's fucking idea was it to work in a fucking labyrinth? I bombarded about the place, pushing people out of my way. This wasn't fucking fair. I knew the place like the back of my fucking hand when I was rational. I knew that I would stand a chance if only I could get to the fucking surface. All I needed was just a fucking moment of clarity. Suddenly a voice stopped me in my tracks, cutting clearly across the confusion. It was an unmistakable voice. It was _her_ voice.

"Stop fucking panicking you fucksplash," she told me. "You're running around in circles. Take a deep breath and fucking _look_ at where you're going. You're going to be fine."

So clearly I'm still 'mental'. I probably always will be. Except now I don't actually believe that being like me is wrong. There's a book called Living With Voices, that tells the stories of people who have come to accept their situation, and have learned ways to make it work for them, instead of always seeing it as a problem. If I am to do the same thing, I think I could be pretty happy living with the voice of Katie Fitch inside my head.

She calmed me down. She got me out of there in one piece, and now here I am, up in a lamplit square, staring down the devils that are living inside the statues. And they come at me. Ghosts appearing from the shadows. Strange indecipherable wraiths. They're in no hurry. They know they have me outnumbered. They know every nook and cranny of this complex and beautiful city, and I am merely an ignorant visitor. There will be no outrunning them. Soon there will be too many of them, and I will be drowning in grey.

"What do I do, Katie?" I asked her.

"Don't let the little fuckers see you're afraid, for starters," she said firmly. "I mean look at them, they're just little wispy bits of shit. Bet they aren't even corporeal. All mouth and no fucking trousers. I mean, I would offer to kick their asses, but I seriously don't think they've got any asses to kick. Just tell them to get to fuck. Wankers."

I burst out laughing. In all my years of fleeing from demons, it has never occurred to me just to stand up to them. It would never occur to Katie to do anything else. I decide to give it a go. I push myself up and out of the doorway in which I have been lurking. I am still laughing, as I face up to them, staring them out. Wispy little bits of shit.

"Get to fuck, you wankers," I laugh again, giving them the finger for good measure. "Just get to fuck, or I'll set Katie on you. And then you'll be fucking sorry."

I laugh even harder as they start to do as I say, withdrawing back into the shadows without protest, as silently as they had arrived. Maybe this is why Cook is always laughing so hard, because he keeps his demons on the run. One figure remains, and approaches me slowly. It reaches out a ghostly hand, but still I don't back down. It's probably not even corporeal.

Which is why I'm startled when I feel a gentle pressure on my cheek. And then I hear it speak, but it is not the voice of a devil. Well perhaps unless you asked my Dad.

"Effy, are you ok?" asks Anthea.

I look up at the buildings around me, and at the faces of the statues. Just cold hard metal. Nothing but cold hard metal.

"Yeah, yeah I am." I tell my mother, confidently. "I'm going to be just fine."

.

.

.

I called Katie straight away. I wanted to hear her voice for real. I wanted to tell her what had happened and how she had helped me. Of course the first thing she did was offer to cancel her gig and fly out to Budapest. She had finished on the play and was back to freelancing, so she could easily have done it, and even a few weeks ago I would have gratefully accepted just to feel her in my arms again, and have her make everything alright. But Katie can't become my new drug. Of course I love her, and I want to be with her, and there is absolutely no doubt that I would never have made it to this point without her, but the final steps have to be taken on my own. Only then can I take my recovery seriously. So I turned her down. I asked Anthea for the morning off, taking slight advantage of the fact she was my mum, but then I went back to work. I did my job, and I did it well. I didn't get lost, and I didn't let anyone down. Not my co-workers, not Anthea, not Katie, and perhaps most importantly, not myself.

We stayed for the first week of the production, during which time I handed over my projections to the Hungarian tech team, and took shots and video of the show. Even though I was immensely proud of what I had achieved, and the whole experience had been amazing, I had really started to miss Katie by the end, and I was practically jumping up and down in the back of the taxi on my way back to the warehouse once we had landed back home. I couldn't get my key in the door quick enough and as soon as I was inside I threw my bags aside with an unusual disregard for my cameras. My eyes locked onto her instantly, and I practically sprinted towards her, pushing her up against a wall and kissing her feverishly. I immediately started sliding my hands all over her body as I felt her responding to my kiss. This was the longest we had ever been apart, and I was a hungry lady.

"God, I want to taste you so fucking much," I told her starting to move my kisses down her body. I felt her tense beneath me.

"Um…" she said.

Um? Fucking um? I'm ready to give myself heart, body and soul to this woman after our separation and all she can say is um? I ripped my eyes back up to her face in confusion. Surely she wants me as much as I want her, only seconds ago she was kissing me like she wanted to devour me. Her eyes flicked sideways into the space, and I followed them. To be met by the sight of a smirking Emily and a sheepish looking Nathan. I looked back at Katie, and she shrugged apologetically.

"I missed you," I told her. Our groins were still pressed tightly together.

"I missed you too," she said breathlessly, her hands resting lightly on my hips, our foreheads touching. I knew I should break away and be sociable with her guests, but I just couldn't take my eyes off her. To my Fitch deprived eyes she looked more beautiful than ever. Fortunately, Emily came to my rescue.

"Pub," I heard her say to Nathan in the background, and shortly after I heard the front door slam, leaving me alone with her fabulous sister.

"Sweet," I said seductively. "Now we can get naked."

"Hey if there's one thing my sister understands, it's when a girl needs to get her shag on," smiled Katie.

.

.

Emily and Nathan were as pissed as rats by the time we eventually texted them to say it was safe to come back. The reunion sex had been both enthusiastic and athletic as well as intimate and intense, and there were several repeat performances. They had been joined by Naomi, who had been successfully diverted from coming straight to the flat, and now the three of them were lined up on our sofa giggling like small children.

"Glad to have her back then, Katiekins?" smirked Naomi.

"She's alright, I suppose," replied Katie, but the look of adoration on her face as she snuggled in my lap belied her casual air.

"You should have heard the moping and the pining," Nathan winked at me.

"Yeah, like she wasn't out every other night with you," laughed Emily.

I tried to hide the involuntary tensing of my muscles that the last statement had inspired. I couldn't help it. I knew she loved me. I knew I could trust her. I knew he was a good guy who had promised me he wouldn't go after her. But I still got jealous of him.

"Yeah, about that," said Katie, before uttering the words that sent icy chills down the spine of every single person who has ever been in a relationship since the dawn of time. "There's something I need to tell you."

I didn't ask her what. I didn't even reply. In a nanosecond I had transformed myself back into the emotionless didn't give a fuck Effy I had been as a sixteen year old. If Katie was going to tell me something terrible, I simply couldn't hear it as me. The only way to stop a thousand dreadful scenarios racing through my head was to shut it down completely. If I wasn't feeling anything then nothing could hurt me, right?

"Me and Nathan were out a couple of nights ago, and we ran into this guy I know," she said. "His name's Damian, and he's as rich as fuck, but not actually a plonker."

Fuck, she's going to leave me for a rich guy.

"Me and Ems met him when we did a gig at his wedding."

Or maybe not. Fuck you paranoia.

"Yeah, they made such a gorgeous couple," said Emily. "The dresses were amazing."

"Dresses?" I asked.

"Totally put us girls to shame," laughed Katie. "Hate to say it, but his husband Aaron looks more gorgeous in a frock than I do."

Ok, so not running off with the rich guy. The rich, gay, married guy. So what the fuck?"

"Anyway," said Katie, sheepishly returning to topic. "Damian owns this dead swanky gallery by the river, and he was moaning cause he had this big exhibition planned as part of this gay arts festival, but the guy had some kind of freak out and destroyed all of his paintings."

Katie looked up at me with a question in her eyes, but I wasn't quite sure what it was.

"What's your point?" I asked her, unable to continue the façade of not caring any longer.

"Well we kind of all got shitfaced, cause he was drowning his sorrows, and cause well, he was paying," she said. "Then we ended up going back to his place and doing a bunch of cocaine, cause they've got like mountains of it."

I smiled at her fondly, all the tension releasing from my body. So this was Katie's confession, that she'd been doing drugs again.

"Babes, I think it's alright for you to have a few lines if I'm in another country," I said kissing her head.

"Yeah, well it was more than a few," admitted Katie. "And you know when you get to that point of the morning when you're all just spouting bullshit and having impossible ideas?"

"I have been there once or twice," I laughed nostalgically.

"Yeah well, Damian sort of asked me if I knew any gobsmackingly talented LGBT artists who could fill the gap, and I sort of said that I did, and he's sort of coming here tomorrow to see your work"

"WHAT?" I spluttered in surprise.

"It was damn good coke," grinned Nathan.

"What the fuck am I going to show him?" I said. "Why didn't you email me or something?"

"Anthea said you were dead busy, and then you'd almost had that episode and I didn't want to stress you out," blurted Katie.

"And I'm not stressed now?" I asked her.

"It's cool, Eff," said Naomi. "We're here to help. Emily got some of your best pics printed up real nice, and Nathan's fitted up some proper blackout blinds to the skylights in the studio, so you can show him your films."

"And I'm sure if I've missed anything you really want him to see, you can show him on the laptop," said Emily.

"What harm can it do, babes?" said Katie, looking at me with such belief in her eyes it was hard to stay angry with her. "If he likes it then that's fucking amazing, but even if it's not for him, you've still got your other work. Anthea said you were brilliant in Budapest."

"Fuck it," I said.

What did I have to lose? In Budapest I had discovered that my demons were nothing more than wispy little bits of shit. Time to see what I could do without them.

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.

I wasn't nervous. I didn't even know this guy, and to be fair I was already overjoyed with the way my life was going, so anything else would just be a bonus. But Katie had been up since dawn, and even now she was pacing nervously, as if it was her work that was under scrutiny. My precious girl. Even as a friend she had always had far higher hopes for me than I had ever had for myself, but her constant fighting on my behalf had had profound effects. She clearly wanted to impress Damian, so it was the least I could do to make the effort. As soon as the doorbell rang, she was off to answer it like a shot.

"Katie," said an authoritative male voice. He seemed surprised to find her here.

"Come in," she said enthusiastically. "Come and meet Effy."

A tall and immaculately groomed man in his forties stepped into the flat. I watched his eyes roam around, drinking in his surroundings and saw a small twitch of approval at our evidently bohemian existence.

"Hi, I'm Damian," he said courteously, extending his hand.

"Effy," I answered, accepting his handshake. "Effy Stonem."

"Stonem?" he said, arching a perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Not anything to do with Anthea Stonem, are you?"

"She's my mother," I replied candidly.

"Well, that's not going to do us any harm," he smiled.

"What do you mean?" frowned Katie.

"It means he's got a gallery to fill, and me having a mother who's famous in the arts world is going to bring us a built in crowd," I said, fixing Damian with an Effy special stare.

"Exactly," replied Damian, smiling back at me. "I'll be honest with you Effy. I'm in a fucking pickle, cause Anton letting me down, and I can't afford for it to happen again. I need to cause a stir with this event. I need a fucking sensational work, and I need it to happen fast. I also need someone I can rely on."

"Well, let's not waste any more of your time," I said, not allowing myself to be intimidated. "Come on through to the studio and see if I'm everything Katie's bigged me up to be."

Damian laughed.

"I like her," I heard him say to Katie as I led them into my room.

We sat around the table and I opened up the portfolio of pictures that Emily had prepared for me. Give the girl her due, she had done really well, picking out the best examples of all the various strands of my work. I studied Damian's face, as he flicked through the photos, watching all the tiny inflections in his face as he reacted to them. He took his time to absorb each one carefully and thoughtfully. He obviously knew what he was doing. The guy was no amateur, which made it all the more satisfying when I detected the flickers of approval in his gaze, despite his attempts to disguise them. I looked over at Katie who was biting her lip in nervous anticipation, her torture increasing the longer he stayed silent. She caught my eye and I winked at her, causing her eyes to bug out in surprise. I shot her a sympathetic smile. I felt strangely calm and confident. The process that had started the first time Thomas had seen my stuff back in the Abandon rehearsals had come full circle. I knew I was good. And so did Damian.

"This is impressive work, Effy," he said to me. "But it's incredibly diverse. For this to work we're going to have to narrow you down. Pick a strong theme and build around it."

"I understand," I replied. "Most of these pictures have companions, or can be fit into a stylistic theme. If you tell me what you're interested in, we can pull up the relevant images on the computer.

"Excellent," he said, flipping the page.

I heard his sharp intake of breath as he looked down, and saw a genuine smile creep across his face as he failed to hide his emotions. Opened out before him were two images of the twin suns in the period before they had gotten together. In one Naomi was focussed intently on her laptop in the rehearsal room, dressed in scruffy training gear with her hair shoved messily up, whilst behind her Emily was blatantly ignoring the information on the screen, gazing at the back of her neck as if she would die if she couldn't kiss it. On the opposite page the two of them were in the tent. Emily was stretching, whilst Naomi's face held a look of guilty fascination as she surreptitiously checked the redhead out. Even now, those pictures made me smile, the evidence of their love blazing up out of the page as blindingly as it had when I had first captured it.

"Is that Emily?" laughed Damian.

"Yeah," answered Katie.

"Who's the blonde?" he asked.

"It's her trapeze partner," said Katie. "And her girlfriend. Now. But those were taken before they got together."

"Do you have any more like this?" quizzed Damian.

"I've got the whole fucking love story," I smirked at him.

I pulled my MacBook over to the table, and opened my lovers' file, flipping through the images as Katie told the whole story. The file had been added to now of course, I had dozens of pictures of them together, their gorgeous passion for each other finally out and proud for all the world to see.

"This is beautiful," said Damian. "It's like you can see into their souls. How did you manage to capture so many intimate moments so perfectly?"

"Effy's like a ninja photographer," said Katie proudly. "And she sees everything."

Of course there were still some intimate moments of theirs that she didn't realise I had captured, but I thought it was best to keep those between the three of us.

"Do you think you could make an exhibition from this story," asked Damian.

"I know I can," I replied.

"Is there anything else you wanted to show me?" he said. "Katie mentioned something about an installation."

I let Katie drag him out for a cup of tea, whilst I set things up to show him Effyland. I knew I'd have to find some swankier artfuck title for it if we got anywhere with this, but it would always be Effyland in my head. On their return, I stood Damian in the centre of the room just as I had with Katie, and hit the space bar.

Damian's eyes were filled with wonder when the projections came to a close and I'd opened the blinds again. He didn't speak for a minute or two, and when he did it wasn't to me.

"You, Katie Fitch, are a very sneaky lady," he smiled.

"Why?" said Katie defensively.

"You didn't tell me she was your girlfriend," he grinned.

Katie's eyes sank to the floor, and she looked as guilty as a little kid caught nicking penny chews from the shop.

"I wanted you to judge her work on it's own merit," she mumbled.

"It's hard not to," he laughed at her, before turning his attention to me.

"You, Ms Stonem, have a beautiful mind and a profound understanding of love," he told me.

"I do?" I said in shock. "Fuck."

The words of this stranger hit me like the stories of God giving revelations to the saints. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that I was an emotionless fuck up who lived in a constant nightmare, and that love was just a cocktail of chemicals, but it simply wasn't true. I wasn't that girl anymore. I was finally the woman Anthea had hoped I could be, the woman that Katie had always believed I would be.

"I want these love stories," said Damian. "They're perfect. Emily's photographs and Katie's video. You only have a week though. Can you do it?"

"Of course she can," said Katie enthusiastically.

Damian kept his eyes fixed on me, seeking confirmation.

"Yeah," I said quietly, giving him a slight nod.

"Then we're on," he said. "My assistant will be in touch with all the details."

We ran into Naomi and Emily coming back from their meeting with some Spanish producers as we saw Damian out the door.

"Well?" asked Emily. "How did it go?"

"He wants it. He wants it," shrieked Katie, excitedly, hugging her sister.

"Nice one, Eff" Naomi smiled at me.

Katie started babbling as she filled in the lovers about everything that had happened, the pair of them grinning stupidly when they discovered it was the pictures of them that had swung it, but I felt like I was going into shock. All of my confidence had evaporated as I realised that I had never really expected to be chosen. Fucking hell. I was actually going to have to pull this off.

"You alright, Effy?" asked Emily, having managed to extract herself from her sister's attentions.

"How the fuck am I supposed to do this in a week?" I said, stunned.

"Easy," replied Naomi, pulling her phone out of her pocket. "We call in the tribe."

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Much later that night, I called the three women into the studio to take a look at the pictures I had selected to tell the story. I had printed up A4 mockups of the ones I wanted to work on and arranged them round the room in order. I sat nervously on the edge of my computer desk as they looked at the shots. I needed to get the selection right as soon as possible, as I needed to do a lot more work on them if they were to be blown up into quality prints good enough for showing.

"Looks pretty fucking good, babes," smiled Katie, but I knew she would love it whatever I did. I was more interested in what Emily and Naomi would think, especially seeing as they were the subjects. Naomi glanced over and gave me a nod of approval, but Emily looked deep in thought.

"It's good," she finally. "But it's not finished. Is it?"

Her brown eyes locked on mine and I knew exactly what she meant.

"Are you sure?" I asked her.

She looked across at Naomi for confirmation. The two of them were so in synch, that Naomi got it straight away too.

"Yeah," she nodded. "It does kinda make sense."

The only one left in the dark was Katie.

"What's with you lot?" she said. "I can cope with one mystery girl, but not fucking three of you!"

"There's more pictures," said Emily.

"Kind of like the end of the story," said Naomi.

"But she's got shots of you being all loved up and shit," frowned Katie. "What else is there to tell?"

My hand hovered over the trackpad as I placed the cursor over the icon that led to the files in question. Clicking on it could land me in a whole heap of trouble with my volatile lover, but I had become the daughter that my mother could be proud of. No compromise.

I set a slideshow in motion and witnessed one of the rarest events in the universe. Katie reduced to monosyllables.

"Is that…? Are you…? Is she…?" she stuttered, hypnotised by the images on the screen. "When did you pose for these?"

"They're not posed," said Emily calmly.

"Fucking!" gasped Katie, branching out into two syllables. "You've got pictures of my sister fucking? On the truck?"

She looked at me in absolute amazement, too shocked to be angry.

"It's not like they're pornographic," said Naomi, her arm sneaking it's way round her lover. "They're really rather fucking beautiful."

Being with the free-spirited Fitch had certainly rubbed off on her. It was true. The images weren't meaninglessly graphic. They focussed in on faces, on straining muscles, an entanglement of limbs, a pair of lips against the curve of a thigh. They showed their sex for what it was, passionate, intimate and beautiful beyond all imagining.

"But my sister…" muttered the still shocked Katie. "Fucking."

"I needed her," I said. "I needed them. I needed their light."

"When?" asked Katie. "When did you need this more than me?"

"The night you were with Nathan," I answered.

Katie and I just looked at each other, trying to understand what this meant, until we were interrupted by the sound of Emily laughing. The slideshow had moved onto the pictures that they didn't know that I had. The ones I had taken from the roof of Freddie's truck, this time with Naomi in chains.

"I thought I'd told you to fuck off by then," giggled Emily.

"Me moth, you flame," I answered simply. "I couldn't help it."

Naomi was still fascinated by the images of her own ecstasy on the screen. Suddenly she reached out and paused the display. The image showed the arching of her back as she pushed up towards where Emily's slightly open mouth was hovering just millimetres from her nipple, Emily's strong bicep beautifully defined in the emerging sunlight as she cradled her lover.

"This one," said Naomi. "I think you should use this one."

"You're ok with this?" Katie asked her, incredulously.

"Passion is our language," shrugged Naomi.

She restarted the slideshow, and I left the lovers watching themselves on screen. If they were prepared to let me show such intimacy it was only fair they got to choose the images we used. Katie had retreated to the other side of the room, and I went to join her.

"Are you ok?" I asked her.

"It wasn't a joke," she said. "You really did watch them."

"They kept me sane," I admitted.

"If I hadn't been such a coward, these photos wouldn't exist," she said.

"And is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I asked her.

"I don't know," she said.

"Then I'll show you," I replied.

I slipped my arms around her waist, and turned her until we were both facing the beautiful couple, and I was stood holding Katie from behind.

"Look at them," I whispered in her ear. "Really look at them."

Emily and Naomi both remained absorbed in the images on the laptop, but Emily absent-mindedly raised her hand and traced her forefinger down the back of Naomi's neck.

"See that?" I said to Katie. "There are dozens of tiny red sparks emanating from every point that Emily touches her skin."

"And there," I continued, pointing out the consequent shiver that ran down Naomi's spine. "Ice blue crystals, forming, freezing and then dissipating all in a matter of seconds. Can you see how they touch all the way down their sides? There's a blindingly bright white light constantly arcing between them driven by powerful electric pulses."

Emily whispered something in Naomi's ear, and the blonde's beautiful laughter tumbled across the room towards us.

"That sound," I murmured, pulling Katie imperceptibly closer. "That sound can bend spacetime. There are ripples in the perceived nature of every particle in this room because of that sound."

Emily's response made the choirs in my head sing out a full throated hallelujah.

"Ah, the Emily Fitch sexy eyebrow," I said, gently kissing the soft skin of Katie's neck. "A classic."

"Yeah, I've seen her use that on an awful lot of girls," giggled Katie.

"But it's never looked like this before. It's the light of sunrise on a festival morning, when you're still high but the cold has started to bite into your bones, and the long shadows and glowing yellow light caressing your skin let you know that soon you will be warm and everything will be alright again."

I felt the warmth of Katie's hands closing over my own, and knew that everything would soon be alright again. We watched together as Naomi's lips brushed delicately over Emily's cheek.

"What now?" asked Katie urgently.

"Peaches," I said. "The smell of a basket of fresh ripe peaches."

"It's not just light then?" she asked me.

"It's everything," I replied.

Naomi kissed Emily again, this time capturing her lips in a lingering but still chaste kiss.

"The breakdown in a fat fucking track in the club," I said, my cheek now brushing against Katie's as she tipped her head back towards mine. "When all the moving lights slow down, and the air is filled with single purple beams, and your heart is racing in anticipation because you know that any second now the beat is going to kick back in and the lights will go crazy and you'll be carried away on the collective energy of the crowd."

Once again, Emily used a single finger to trace a line across her lover's body, this time from her neck and down the valley between her breasts until she grabs at the top of Naomi's jeans and pulls the blonde towards her.

"Hot lava," I whispered to Katie. "Fiery, beautiful, deadly and ultimately unstoppable."

"That's my Ems," smiled Katie.

"And the way they look at each other? Solar flares. Violent, explosive and unpredictable. Fatal to anyone who isn't them. Anyone or anything that tries to get between them will perish in an instant."

"They don't even know we're in the fucking room any more, do they?"

"Next time they kiss, the room will fill with light, like Aurora Borealis. Wild and enchanting spectrums dancing all around us."

"You really experience it all like that?" asked Katie, turning to face me.

"You've seen Effyland. This is like the live version."

We both looked back towards them, just in time to catch that kiss. Usually Katie rolled her eyes and scoffed whenever she caught them snogging, but this time she stared at them intently, as if really trying to perceive them the way that I did.

"They really are fucking beautiful, aren't they?" she said reverently. "Do we have that? Do we make the kind of light they do?"

"Yes," I told her. "Yes we damn well fucking do."

Katie's lips met mine, and the lightstorm was almost unbearable, but in it's wake I found myself seized by an incredible euphoria.

"We should go now," I said, as the rush took hold of my heart. "They'll be shagging soon."

Katie seized me in a kiss so powerful it could shatter stars.

"So will we," she told me.


	39. 39 A Night To Remember

**A/N This one goes out to all of my fabulous Twitter crew. You may notice a few little nuggets that have somehow slipped their way in here. **

**I don't own Skins, but I'm kinda missing the new crowd already.**

**.**

**.**

39. A Night To Remember

Katie

"Give me one of those," I demanded, holding out my hand.

"Pressure getting to you, darling?" smirked Effy, leaning on the railings outside the gallery smoking and looking cool as fuck.

I don't know how she does it. I was a fucking nervous wreck. The last week had been mayhem. The whole of Abandon had descended en masse, and we spent our time running back and forth between the flat and the gallery setting things up for the exhibition and the opening event. I think the gallery staff were a little bemused at having a whole circus troupe invade them, but they were pretty cool and helpful in the end. Everyone was doing what they could to help out. Thomas and Panda were installing and setting up projectors, JJ was helping out with any programming needed, Cook and Freddie were helping to hang stuff and generally running around, Emily was keeping everybody fed, and Naomi and I were planning and sorting the opening, leaving Effy to do what she did best, actually producing the art itself.

When she wasn't being interrupted that was. Damian was going on a massive publicity drive to counteract the fact that he had lost his original artist, and kept sending journos and radio people over to interview Effy. I swear, I don't think I'd ever heard the poor girl having to string so many words together in one week, and wondered if she would need to take a three month sabbatical from talking after this just to recover. Not that they ever asked anything original or interesting. If I had to listen to one more idiot asking Effy about her mother, I swear the fearsome Fitch temper would have to be unleashed. And of course everyone wanted to know about the fact that she'd worked with a circus, although half of them had no fucking clue about contemporary circus and kept asking her about lions and fucking clowns and shit. I don't know how she stayed so patient with all of them, but every single one of them left the flat in love with her and the previews we were getting were incredibly positive.

Every evening would end up with all of us crashed out somewhere between our place and Anthea's, grabbing a few hours precious sleep before getting up and doing it all over again. But this, this madness is what we do. Working our tits off to make something beautiful happen. You didn't hear anyone whining. Nobody was getting paid for this shit, but Effy was one of us, and I guess we'd all fallen a little bit in love with her along the way. I kept seeing it in everyone. There were moments where someone would just take a break, and stop and marvel about what was going on here, about how the frightened broken woman we had all met had found herself again, or maybe even truly found herself for the first time. With two days to go, Anthea came back from working away, and began lording it over the proceedings in her own special way, but you could tell she was immensely proud.

One night I was popping out for milk and found her outside on the fire escape, rubbing her fingers across her eyes.

"You ok," I asked her.

"Yes of course," she barked. "Just got smoke in my eye."

"You don't fool me, Anthea Stonem," I smiled. "It's ok to be emotional, you know. I know how much she means to you. This has got to be immense after what you've been through with her."

"You have no idea, Katie," said Anthea, turning towards me and finally letting me see the tears in her eyes. "When I found her with her wrists cut open and her blood spilling out over the bathroom floor, I swore I would do anything, fucking anything just to keep her alive and with me. And I did. Even rescuing her from another suicide attempt. And I tried, I tried to make her better, but every time I thought she was getting close, she got pulled from my grasp again. I thought that's how it was going to be, just keeping her alive, just keeping her going for the rest of my life. I thought that was the best I could hope for. But then you came along, and suddenly she had a reason to live, not just to exist."

"I didn't make Effy better," I protested. "She's doing that for herself."

"But you gave her her fire back," countered Anthea. "You made her want to get better. You made her fucking believe. You know, I would have been happy, if she had just gotten well enough to get a nice little job in a bank or something. But this, even I had no idea how talented she was. She got lost before she ever had the chance to show us."

"Well, I guess she's her mother's daughter after all," I smiled.

"I'll never be able to thank you enough, Katie," she said, looking into my eyes. I was a little overwhelmed by the emotion I saw there.

"Yeah, well perhaps you could yell at me a little less in next year's rehearsals," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

Anthea grabbed me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, and I felt the tears starting to well up in my eyes too.

"What's going on here?" came the unmistakable voice of the woman we both loved.

"Nothing," Anthea and I stuttered simultaneously, attempting to shake away the evidence of our raw feelings.

Effy merely studied us for a few moments, easily cutting us open with her glare.

"Right," she said simply, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Who's got a fag?"

Anthea and I might as well have hired the Red Arrows to write "WE FUCKING LOVE YOU EFFY" in several shades of coloured smoke across the sky. There was no hiding from the oracle. We both opened our mouths in an attempt to speak, but Effy cut us off.

"It's ok," she said. "I know. And thank you."

There weren't many people in this world who could effectively silence both me and Anthea Stonem, but Effy had made her point. She had work to do, and didn't want us dragging her into a gush fest.

"Sweet," I said, aping one of my girlfriend's favourite phrases, and went back inside to go and kick Naomi's ass into gear.

.

.

.

And it was exactly the same thing tonight. Effy being effortlessly cool whilst everyone else was running around her in a nervous panic

"How come you're so fucking chilled, babes," I asked her as I took the cigarette she was offering and put it to my lips.

"I can't afford to be anything else," she shrugged. "This is really not the night to be going psycho."

"Are you ok?" I asked in alarm, suddenly remembering that every day was still a battle for Effy, albeit one she was wining with increasing regularity.

"I'm fine," she smiled. "I'm just making sure I minimise the risk. Besides, my manager's got everything under control."

She winked at me, and anything I might have had that even vaguely resembled control was gone. I was just about to abandon my cigarette to jump over and kiss her face off, when Damian came out and interrupted us.

"There you are, girls. Everything ok?" he said. "Ooh can I get one of those?"

Effy smirked and handed over another cigarette.

"Don't tell my husband," said Damian. "I just always get nervous before an opening. You wouldn't think so, would you after all these years? But I still think 'what if it's a disaster? What if nobody comes?'"

"We've got a controversial mother, hot lesbians and circus," said Effy calmly. "People are going to come."

And she was right. Two hours later the place was full of people. Of course all of the tribe were here, our wonderful gang of circus freaks, Anthea and Tony, and even Effy's dad Jim managed to show his face, Nathan and some of my crew from the theatre show, Saint Dean of Hackney, and Effy's little skater boy fan club. But also loads of other people. The word had been sent out over the art, circus and theatre networks as well as the festival website, and the gallery was full of people in their gladrags soaking up the atmosphere and Damian's free wine. Freddie and JJ had been on the door fire juggling for people as they arrived, and most of the other Abandon crew were getting ready for what was to come, leaving me and Anthea on guard duty trying to protect Effy in case the attention got too much for her. Reactions to the photographs had seemed to be pretty positive so far, and even admidst all the hubbub, I kept glancing over to the walls to find someone standing mesmerised in front of an image as they tried to pick out all the subtle nuances in the story. More than once, I had people asking me if I was the girl in the photos, until I explained that she was my sister and she would be along later.

The place started to fill up even more. People were getting a bit drunker, and I kept nervously checking my watch. Not too much longer now. I looked over and saw Effy scratching her ear. It was our secret signal that she needed rescuing from some art twaddler spouting bullshit at her, and so I headed over and barged in on the convo.

"Terribly sorry, but I need to borrow Effy for a moment," I said with faux politeness to the git that was bending my honey's ear. "We just have to discuss an important matter."

I gave him a cheerful smile and dragged Effy off to another corner of the gallery, waving off all eager approaches with intent.

"So what is this important matter we have to discuss?" smiled Effy when we finally found a place to rest.

"Just how fucking much I fucking love you," I grinned.

"And how much is that?" she asked, starting to close the distance between us.

"More than I can say," I replied, slipping an arm round her waist.

"In that case why don't you show me?" she said, bringing her lips up to mine.

I could do that. If these fuckers were so happy about seeing the photographed essence of true love, I'm sure they could handle a quick peek at the live version. I raised my free hand up into that luscious brown hair and opened my mouth to taste her.

"Phwoar yeah. Go bitches. Stick your tongues in," came an enthusiastic voice from behind Effy's back.

There was no mistaking it. There was only one person who sounded like that. My perverted little dickwad of a brother. I was already out of the blocks and on my way over to smack him round the head when my eyes landed on the absolute last person I had ever expected to see somewhere like this. My fucking mother.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked her, too shocked for any kind of filter.

"Emily invited us," said Jenna.

"I'm not talking about Dad and James," I frowned. "I'm talking about you."

"Like I said, Emily invited me," she said trying not to rise to my bait.

"She did warn you, right?" I asked her furiously. "You do realise this is a gay event? Part of a gay festival? In a gay owned gallery? Full of gay people? With gay photographs of your gay daughter doing unspeakably gay things with her gay lover? Taken by the artist that's gay fucking your other daughter?"

"Steady on, Katie love," said Rob. "Your mother wanted to come."

"Is it true you took pictures of Emily shagging?" James asked Effy.

Oh Fuck My Life, this was the last thing I needed right now, the chaos of the Fitch family descending on Effy's big night.

"I swear to God if you cause a fucking scene I will call security on you," I warned Jenna, my fury threatening to boil over.

I felt the touch of Effy's hand on the small of my back.

"What?" I turned and snapped at her.

"Shh, it's ok. It's ok," she soothed, lifting her hand to stroke my cheek.

"Oh fuck, I'm sorry, babes," I said when I realised I had taken my anger at Jenna out on her. I always wondered why Emily couldn't just cut Mum a break all those years to try and find some compromise. Guess I was finding out now.

"Don't worry about that," smiled Effy. "It's time."

"Shit," I said, looking at my watch again.

"Where's Emily?" asked James. "I want to see her kissing her girlfriend too."

Oh James, you disgusting little bastard. Be careful what you wish for. I pushed my way through the crowd, and looked up to the office window on the second story of the room we were in where Thomas was waiting for my signal. I waved up at him, and seconds later the entire room was plunged into darkness. It was exactly as I had planned. I smiled to myself as I heard a few of the audience shrieking in surprise. Showtime.

When Effy and I had first come to the gallery, Damian had showed us into the space. I could see Effy's eyes scanning over the room, mentally calculating how she could use it to achieve maximum impact. She was looking at wall space, and lighting and movable partitions. I did what ever I do when I enter a large space. I looked up.

"What are you looking at?" asked Effy when she noticed the focus of my gaze.

I let a smile creep across my face as I uttered the two words guaranteed to set any aerialists heart racing with potential.

"Riggable beams," I said.

Back in the here and now, a single light flipped on at the far end of the gallery, revealing a trapeze swinging back and forth as it had fallen from a quick release mechanism in the roof operated by Freddie. Nobody had noticed it concealed in the rafters. Other people never look up. A sound started spinning round the gallery replacing the soft background music that had been playing earlier. It was two bars of music looped, an electronic riff, with a rhythm being punched out by a treated guitar sound in the background. A follow spot being operated by JJ from the office window up above began sweeping over the crowd, as if he were searching for something. I heard an excited buzz breaking through the crowd as they tried to work out what was going on. Freddie had taken advantage of the distraction to lower in a rope, and as the beam of light flashed by me I caught sight of Anthea laughing manically in the knowledge that she was one of the few people in the room who knew what was coming next.

Sure enough, loud guitar chords filled the room as Thomas cranked up the sound system, and Jay Z's voice cut in over our favourite mash up.

'If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Hit me."

On 'Hit me' JJ spotlight came to rest on a patch in the wall, where a secret panel suddenly burst open, and the two subjects of Effy's love story exploded into the room, Emily dragging Naomi by the hair, before flinging her to the floor in front of a slightly shocked looking group of women. Naomi sprang to her feet and lunged at Emily, slamming her back into the wall, before aiming a punch at her head which Emily blocked and ducked under before taking out the blonde's legs and flipping her onto her back. Emily then sprinted for the rope with Naomi in hot pursuit. They kicked and scrambled their way up the rope before transferring to the trapeze, and kicking the choreographed shit out of each other in the way that only they could. They had simplified their routine, we'd decided that we wanted the element of surprise and didn't want to fanny about with a crash mat, but the strength of their performance still had the punters gasping and screaming through the simplest of moves. I watched the faces of the crowd caught up in the drama, feeling them jump every time that girls made an apparent vicious contact, or faked a fall before being caught again. I heard a woman gasp 'oh my God' when Naomi's elbow smashed into Emily's face and she bit down on her blood capsule, spitting red down onto the ground. I had seen them practice this routine more times than I cared to remember, but this was the first time I had ever been in a crowd that was watching it. The atmosphere was electric. I heard the voice of one of the skater boys yell 'this is fucking amazing' out behind me. Sometimes it's nice to remember that there was a time when this was fucking amazing to you too. I remembered the feeling I had the first I saw Luke on his rope back at Dad's gym. I was completely awestruck.

Emily and Naomi definitely had something extra though. If I looked hard enough I could almost see the energy blazing out of them they way Effy did. They had the whole room mesmerised, and I knew that their presence was forging its way into the minds of everyone there. Which was what I wanted. I wanted people to go away from tonight and talk about it to all their fucking friends. For them to realise that the energy they were seeing live onstage was what Effy had captured so perfectly with her camera. I wanted their heads to be filled with the kind of light that races round the brain of my beautiful girlfriend. I wanted them to feel us.

Another large gasp signified the point in the routine where Emily knees Naomi in the face and she falls unconscious. Only this time Emily did not begin her descent down Naomi's body. Instead she reached down and pulled Naomi back up towards her by her torn and bloodied vest top, helped of course by Naomi's fantastic abs even whilst acting unconscious. Once Naomi was upright again, she kissed her full on with her bloody mouth as if she was kissing the life back into her. As soon as Naomi snapped back into consciousness, Emily flung her down again, but this time she followed her, tucking her knees around the bar in the space between Naomi's legs and rolling down until they were both hanging upside down and face to face. They attempted to push away from each other, first with one hand and then with two, until their eyes locked, and they slowly came together again closing the space between them. Seamlessly their arms drifted around each other and they slid into a kiss. A kiss that became increasingly more passionate. Suddenly the lights flipped to ultraviolet, illuminating the white of their tops and the lighter flecks of their camo trousers. Two pressure hoses erupted into life on either side and began drenching them in fluorescent paint. Panda was dousing them with orange, and Cook had a hose full of blue. The girls shut their eyes and just deepened the kiss as the two reactive colours covered them and began mixing across their bodies. It was sexy as fuck. Panda I'm sure was enjoying it just as innocent painty fun, but I dreaded to think about the state of Cook's hard on as he drenched his two favourite women in paint. The audience spontaneously burst into applause, whooping and cheering as if their lives depended on it.

The room plunged into darkness again, but it didn't stop the noise of the crowd as a ghost of light appeared over the trapeze, giving the lovers just enough vision to climb down safely. When the lights went up again, there was an eruption of even louder cheers as the two of them took their bows. They held their intertwined hands aloft and then kissed again to the delight of their admirers. The lights came back up in the space, and I suddenly realised to my horror that I'd left Effy with my parents. I raced back over there, my body flooding with relief when it seemed that world war three hadn't actually broken out, but I immediately started freaking out again when I saw Anthea making a beeline towards us having realised her daughter's proximity to Jenna Fitch. Fuck, I had to keep those two apart or there really would be blood on the floor of the gallery. I got there just as Jenna turned towards Effy.

"Well that was very…colourful," she said, struggling for an appropriate word.

"You ain't seen nothing yet," replied Effy without a trace of animosity.

Fuck me, was this like an actual truce? Was Jenna really trying? I bit my lip from saying something really catty like "Thanks Mum for finally joining us in the twenty-first century. Only ten years too late." If Jenna was finally coming round to accepting Effy and Naomi as part of our lives then I shouldn't really be throwing more confrontation in her path. Besides I had an Anthea to deflect. Or I would have done if Effy hadn't gotten there first.

"Hey Mum," she said throwing herself into Anthea's arms in an uncharacteristic public display of affection, before feigning a look of shock. "Is that an empty wine glass I see? We must avert that tragedy at once."

She swept the pair of them away towards the catering tables, and I caught a look of relief sweep across my Mum's face.

"I really did want to be here, Katie," she said. "I'm tired of my beautiful daughters being strangers. All I wanted was for you to fit in. But you don't fit in to my world. You don't even live there. You live here."

She waved her hand around across the disparate crowd, who were all still excitedly discussing what they had just seen, or going back to look at the photos again having seen their subjects in the flesh.

"Then you should go and look at the photos, Mum," I said. "They might help you to understand us all a bit better."

I didn't know what the hell the poor woman was going to make of the final shots in the series, but I also knew that she wasn't going to get that far right now. We weren't done fucking our audience just yet. We were just lulling them into a false sense of security. When I sensed that the audience were starting to come down from the performance, I looked up and gave another signal to Thomas. The room plunged into darkness again, but this time instead of surprise, there was an air of anticipation from the crowd. We had them ready for more. A drum roll filled the air, before JJ's spotlight once again fixed on the secret door. A moment later Cook emerged, now dressed as the devil, complete with red body paint and horns.

"Ladies, Gentleman and those of you who might lie somewhere in between," he boomed, his incredible voice filling the room without the aid of a microphone. "You may think you're sipping wine in a gallery in Southwark, but you'd be wrong. For we are about to transport you into an entirely different dimension. A world where your rules of reality are nothing but a mirage. Ladies, Gentlemen and those of you who might lie somewhere in between…. Welcome to Effyland."

Just as it had the first time I saw it back in our flat in Hackney, the whole room erupted into light. In the normal course of the exhibition, Effyland was going to run in another room leading off from the main space, but for tonight we wanted to envelop the entire crowd. We had fucking projectors everywhere, layering images over the walls, over the photographs and over the people themselves. Effyland embraced us all, and we had no option but to sacrifice ourselves into its arms. We were graced with a collective 'oooh' as the riot of colours first burst into life, but then the room descended into an eerie silence, as people let themselves be absorbed into the work with only the sounds of the choirs on the soundtrack spinning out around the space. For a while I was hypnotised myself, seeing it work on this scale, but as the films progressed I gradually became more fascinated by the reactions. It was as if people really were being transported. They had stopped being their cool art crowd selves and had rediscovered their sense of wonder. Everywhere people were smiling. They were spinning round and round in an attempt to catch everything at once. Some were reaching their hands above their heads, watching the patterns playing out across their bodies. Others were flattening themselves into the walls, attempting to become invisible amongst the swirling beams of light. One couple had simply sat down on the floor back to back, their heads resting on each other's shoulders looking up at the giant angels that were floating across their vision. One girl was stood in the centre of the room, with her arms flung open wide and her head thrown back, feeling the music of the choirs sweeping over her body. Cook was jumping round in his devil outfit laughing his head off. No wonder he was happy. For fifteen glorious minutes, you could feel the love in the room.

When the projections shut off there was another spontaneous round of rapturous applause, which went on for several minutes. I think they were all hoping for some kind of appearance from Effy, but when JJ's spotlight came up again, it was the older Stonem woman who was revealed.

"Thank you, thank you," said Anthea who again needed no help from a microphone to make herself heard. "Effy is not one for public speaking, so on behalf of my daughter I would like to thank both Damian from the Halcyon Gallery and the Outlander Festival for giving us this opportunity to show her work. Also all of the Circus Abandon crew for giving us such an amazing night, but most off all you for coming down here and taking a chance on something new. So sup up, enjoy the rest of the evening, then go home and tell all of your fucking friends to get their arses down here to see the exhibition. Goodnight, and may Effyland be with you."

And with that, the lights came back up and Naomi kicked off on the decks, upping the atmosphere to more of a party vibe, whilst Emily swanned about confidently, chatting to enthusiastic fans.

"Nice one Katie," said Anthea, appearing at my side. "People aren't going to forget tonight in a hurry."

"Oh, I didn't do that much," I shrugged. "It was everyone really…"

"You were the driving force behind this and you know it," scoffed Anthea. "So shut the fuck up and take the compliment, before I do something I might regret."

"OK," I said meekly, realising I was up against probably the only person who could beat me in a fight. "Thank you."

"Good," replied Anthea smugly. "Now I'm going for a fag. Ya coming?"

"No, I think I'm gonna go find Effy," I told her.

"And where's the first place you would normally look?" replied Anthea, rolling her eyes.

"Fair point," I said and accompanied her outside.

Amazingly enough, the smoking area had not revealed my girlfriend, so I declined Anthea's offer of a fag and headed back inside. People were still buzzing about what they had seen, so I allowed myself to take Anthea seriously and feel a little swell of pride for what I'd done for Effy. You never would have thought it at the start, but we were a fucking great team, me and her. A partnership in the truest sense of the word. I'd always had a very firm idea of what love should be, but I really had no idea, in spite of everything that we had been through, that it could be this much better. I saw Tony wandering towards me with what looked like an MDMA fuelled grin on his face.

'Ah wonderful Katie," he said wrapping me up in a sloppy hug. "You're fucking brilliant you are, looking after my Effy like this. I fucking love you, babe. It's a shame you haven't got a sister."

"I have got a sister," I frowned.

"No, another one," giggled Tony. "One for me."

"You can have my little brother if you like," I laughed.

"Is he fit?" winked Tony.

"He does look quite good in a dress," I conceded.

"I'm very open minded," shrugged Tony.

Of course you are. You're a fucking Stonem. Every last one of you seems to operate on a slightly different plane to the rest of us. Which reminded me I was on a mission to find my own Stonem, so I excused myself from Tony and headed on. The next person to interrupt me was Carla, Damian's assistant bringing me the happy news that orders for Effy's prints were going through the roof.

"Damian's going to regret cutting you that percentage deal," she laughed.

During the preparations for the show, I had fulfilled my informal role as Effy's manager by negotiating a deal. Damian had no budget to help us mount our exhibition, because it had all been already spent on Anton, the original artist. So I'd bullied him into cutting the commission the gallery would normally take on sales, and it looked like it was paying off. It wasn't what you might think. We had already agreed with Emily and Naomi that the sex pictures would not go on sale to the public and would remain part of the exhibition only. So any sales were a genuine appreciation of Effy's talent and not just random perving. I thanked Carla and continued my mission with the added bonus of good news for my girl.

I wandered happily around the room, getting cheerful acknowledgements from people I knew, and a few confused looks from people I didn't, trying to work out if I was Emily. I discovered Emily herself, still dressed in her show costume, surrounded by a gaggle of adoring young women who were swooning over her every word. Her blonde may have managed to tame her, but Emily was still all tiger underneath. She flirted easily with her little audience, giving them what they wanted and enjoying her power. Well, why the hell not? She had earned it.

"Have you seen Effy," I asked her.

"Haven't seen her all night," shrugged Emily. "Probably surrounded by adoring fans."

I smiled back, but unlike Emily, I knew that was the last thing Effy would want. I started to become slightly concerned that I'd run into all of Effy's protectors, but not the girl herself. Maybe I was overreacting and she was fine, but caring for her was like a reflex for me now. I didn't want to smother her just as she was starting to shine, but I just needed to see her to make sure she was ok. I started scanning the room in earnest, but it was still pretty full and I'm not exactly a giant. I spotted Freddie, and made my way over to him. We had pretty much fully made our peace now, and he was tall and still had an Effy radar almost as effective as my own.

"Hey Freds, help me out," I said. "Can you see Effy?"

I watched his eyes as he scanned the room, but saw no flare of recognition in them before he looked back down and shook his head at me.

"Checking up on your girl before she gets all famous and shit and forgets about you?" he teased, but I shot him a look that told him that was not the kind of stunt that I was pulling.

"Do you think she's…" he started, but got cut off by the approach of Damian and some old bald guy, not wanting to share Effy's darkest secrets with a stranger.

"Katie darling," said Damian. "Do you know where Effy is? This is Friedrich from the Schaumer gallery in Berlin. He'd like to talk to her about taking the work over there in the spring."

I smiled and put my business head on for a moment, charming the old geezer, and talking up the possibilities for a transfer, before excusing myself with a promise to bring Effy to meet him just as soon as I found her.

"Probably just mingling, you know how it is," I laughed, knowing in truth that Effy was not one of life's minglers. Even in a room full of people she always remained somehow on the outside. I dragged Freddie with me as I made my exit.

"You check the main room, I'll check all the back rooms and offices," I told him. "Meet me outside by the smoking area. Let's do this."

I made a methodical sweep of all the storerooms and offices, and though I came across the unnerving sight of Cook still dressed as the devil being ridden like a cowgirl by Abigail Arts Council (something I wished I could click an 'unsee' button for), I still found no trace of my elusive lover. I took a deep breath and headed for the exit, hoping to God that Freddie had had more luck. My heart sank when I saw him alone, sneaking a hit on a cheeky spliff.

"Anything?" I asked, still hoping she might be with Anthea or something.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"Fuck," I said, kicking the smoking area barrier with no regard for my criminally expensive shoes. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Have you tried calling her?" asked Freddie sensibly, but I knew there would be no point. I shook my handbag at him.

"I've got her fucking phone," I said.

"Bugger," said Freddie.

Bugger indeed. Effy was definitely gone.


	40. 40 Only You And Me Babe

**For everyone who has hurt because their brain has beat them down. **

**And for Alex, my friend and my inspiration…**

40. Only You And Me Babe

Effy

I hadn't meant to run, really I hadn't. But when the lights came back up after the film, I could feel dozens of pairs of eyes start turning towards me. Seeking me out, hunting me down. And even though I knew they were benign, they bore too many echoes of my demon hordes and I began to feel a slight constriction in my breath. I probably would have been able to cope if I'd had my angel by my side, but she was lost somewhere in the crowd and I found myself exposed. I muttered a few polite thank yous to the eager eyed couple who had snagged me first, but then waved my fag packet in their faces.

"Just popping out for a smoke," I smiled, before grabbing my jacket from reception and heading outside.

But the smoking area was full of people and I realised I would get no peace there, so I just carried on walking. I found myself down by the river a couple of streets away, where I finally stopped, and pulled out a cigarette. I sparked it up and stood leaning on the railings, watching the lights of the city opposite and the slow wide flow of the Thames as it drifted peacefully out towards the sea.

I suppose I could claim the night to be a roaring success, and away from the mayhem I could finally begin to appreciate what I had done, as well as just how hard my friends had worked to make it happen. Despite all of my alleged foresight, I could never have predicted a year ago that life could come to feel like this. Finally I felt like I belonged. I had the most amazing girlfriend anyone could wish for, and a family who loved me with all their hearts. I felt sad for all the things I had put them through, but now I knew that the best way I could repay them was to look to the future, and the future was looking bright. I felt all my anxieties drifting away as I began to enjoy my solitude. The ability to be on my own without being afraid was one of the greatest gifts my partnership with Katie had given me. It was strange that such a passionate love for someone else had given me the power to love myself, but I understood what she saw in me now. I had something to give to her. I had something to give to the world. I would go back there, I would find her and the strength I got just from holding her hand would give me everything I needed to face the consequences of my new life. I just needed a few more moments of peace. I knew there would still be storms, but now I had the confidence that I could ride them out. I might not be the same as everyone else, but I could be happy being me.

A trigger went off in my brain. Even though I never wore a watch and I had left my phone with Katie, I knew what time it was. My life had been regulated by such times for so long, I instinctively knew when they were. I reached inside my jacket and pulled out a small bottle of pills. The final part of the journey, the final dose. Normally I would have just popped one out and swallowed it without thinking, the regularity of my medication being one of the few stable factors in my life. But instead I just held the bottle up to the light and examined the contents. I was still terrified of taking that final step, but somehow I was reluctant to swallow my next dose without question. This was just another jewel in the endless list of treasures being with Katie had given me. She had given me choice. I realised that the last step I had to take was up to me, whenever I was brave enough to take it. The bottle of pills remained unopened in my hand as I pulled another fag out of the packet with my teeth. Just one more cig and I'd go back there, I promised myself. Just one more cig and I would pop my pill like a good girl, and stop hiding from my own party.

Two cigs later and I was still down there. I just couldn't tear myself away from the peaceful motion of the water and the glorious anonymity of the London night. I began to wish I had my camera with me, the lights reflecting on the water were so beautiful, and I wanted to have something to remember this moment by. Instead I concentrated on fixing the picture in my mind, making memories for the new Effy. The Effy who was a fucked up failure no more. I was so absorbed in my task that I failed to notice the person sneaking up behind me, until I heard her voice.

"Anyone else in there?" said Katie.

If she could have seen it she would have known that the smile that lit up my face was as bright as every colour in Effyland. I didn't even ask her how she had found me. She is my angel. She will always find me. Instead I restricted myself to our customary reply.

"Only you and me, babe," I said.

I turned around to face her and she wrapped herself into my arms.

"Did you get freaked?" she asked me.

"A little bit, yeah," I admitted.

"That's allowed," she smiled, withdrawing from the embrace and kissing me on the cheek. "Even I don't like to be the centre of attention sometimes."

"I'll believe that when I see it," I laughed.

"Here," she said, handing me what looked like a glass of champagne.

"What's this?" I asked her.

"It's for you, honey," she said. "I think you've earned it."

"You know I'm not supposed to," I said.

"Since when did you and me have to abide by all the rules?" she laughed. "Have you forgotten we're supposed to be wild and crazy circus anarchists? One glass of champagne isn't going to destroy you. And anyway, I'll be around for the rest of the night to make sure you don't go off the rails."

"Isn't that what crazy circus anarchists are supposed to do?" I teased.

"Well then have a fucking drink and get on with it," countered Katie.

"I love it when you're stern with me," I grinned, raising the glass to my lips. The sweet taste of the alcohol fizzed over my tongue.

"Oh my god that is fucking good," I said enthusiastically.

Katie snuggled into my side and we stared out over the water together. Now that she knew I was safe, she made no move to pressure me one way or another. We simply appreciated the beauty of each other's company in silence. I drained the last remnants of my champagne and set the glass down on the ground, before wrapping my arm back around my lover.

"I'm never going to be be 'normal', you know," I said, still staring out over the water.

"I wouldn't have you any other way," came the confident reply.

"Really?" I asked her, still not really knowing how I had managed to end up with this phenomenal woman in my life.

"You weren't exactly, Joe Regular when I fell in love with you," she said. "Why would I need that to change now?"

"Progress?" I suggested.

"Fuck me, girl," she said. "If you seriously don't think we've made any progress, then you're not as smart as I thought you were."

"But is it enough?"

"It's more than enough. Just being with you is more than enough."

I didn't reply, and just let the beautiful silence settle again. She let it ride for a minute or two before breaking it.

"I'm never going to be a mild mannered pacifist," she said calmly.

My whole body exploded into laughter at the thought.

"And I wouldn't have you any other way," I replied, once I had managed to recover.

"I'm just saying," said Katie. "Nobody's perfect."

"No," I said, my hand closing around the bottle of pills in my pocket. "We're way better than that."

I kissed my angel, extracted the drugs and held them up to show her, before smiling, pulling my arm back and throwing them in the fucking river.

.

.

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**And so Ladies, Gentlemen and those of you who might lie somewhere in between, thus ends our merry tale. What happens next lies in your own imaginations, but somehow I feel, our girls are going to be alright. It's been a hell of a journey, and I thank you for taking it with me. I'm feeling a little emotional right now, so I'll save the rest for the customary author's note, but rest assured I'm in a beautiful place, with a beautiful feeling in my heart, and I can only wish you the same.**

**Feel the love, Hypes xxx**


	41. Author's note

99 Problems – Author's note

You know it's hard to believe it now, but I never even used to like Keffy as a couple. When I started IHAFICC I never intended to get them together at all. But as many writers will tell you, stories have a tendency to write themselves sometimes. I never plan what I write from start to finish, so things have a tendency to evolve. It wasn't until I was writing the Glastonbury chapters of IHAFICC that the seeds of my Keffy were sown in some throwaway line about Katie taking Effy under her wing. I had only ever intended it to be a friendship, but then I began to like the idea of it being an intense and ambiguous friendship, and during the course of that story I kept it that way (frustrating some of you intensely in the process).

But damn them, they kept invading my consciousness, and as I was writing the last few chapters of IHAFICC, I already knew that I wanted to tell their story, and to do it with the same set of events seen through their eyes. It was an interesting challenge to connect it into the same timeframe – and the hardest thing of all was trying to find excuses to keep them apart till the end of the tour, when they were clearly both madly in love and needed to just jump each other's bones.

I know these author's notes are traditionally a long list of thanks to other writers and reviewers, but fuck it, you already know who you are and that I love you and respect you. And I wanna talk about something else instead.

I have loved Effy ever since the first time I saw her on Gen 1, and I wasn't disappointed when they decided to show her experiencing mental health issues in S4. She had always been on the edge, even though she hid it well at times. That coupled with stellar amounts of substance abuse, could quite realistically have led to that type of psychotic breakdown. That bit was done well. But then came the whole John Foster nonsense, inserted purely for dramatic reasons, and the opportunity was lost to really look at what this illness means for someone. I wasn't that mad that Freddie died (sorry Freds), but I was disappointed that such a complex and fascinating character as Effy (and the only one apart from Anthea and Doug to cross all four seasons) did not get any kind of decent resolution.

I wanted my portrayal of Effy to be as realistic as possible, and so I did a lot of reading and research into people's experiences with psychosis. I've had quite a few people get in touch with me about the mental health side of the story, both professional and people undergoing similar experiences, and I was happy that they seemed to think I was getting it right. One of the websites that was most useful was the site for the UK mental health charity MIND. So for anybody who wants or needs to know more about this subject, that is a good place to start – www mind org uk (insert dots where the spaces are as FF doesn't let you give out normal web addresses). In particular they have excellent information for anyone wanting to come off medication.

Anyone interested in the brain chemistry of love can visit www helenfisher com – the Dr Fisher referred to into the story and whose research I took from for Effy's responses to falling in love.

But of course, this story would have been nothing without Katie Fucking Fitch, and what a magnificent creation she is. Of course there is only one KFF, but you can see women like her all over Britain. Foul mouthed, feisty and fabulous women struggling to confine themselves into the crappy little worlds that surround them. Hard-headed angels with fucking hearts of gold. It's been a delight to write both of them as they are such complex and fascinating characters. Writing Effy was hard, and took me ages, and putting myself inside her head was sometimes pretty difficult, But KFF seemed to just come pouring out of me so much that she wrote herself. All I would have to do is switch off the profanity filter and let her loose.

So there you have it. It's been just over a year since I started posting IHAFICC, and I think two full-length novels in a year ain't bad. Two love stories, one about a couple drawn together by an intense physical desire and finding love and friendship because of it, and the other couple drawn together by friendship and discovering intense love and physical desire along the way. And surrounded by many other different forms of love, sibling love, parental love, friendship love and tribal love, just a big old love fest really….and a hell of a lot of shagging… Of course there was a reason for that. I am interested in sex as a language between couples, and wanted to explore what went on between them after the Hollywood Moment of consummation, without inserting unnecessary drama or external threat. I wanted the dilemmas that these women faced to be something that would occur naturally in their day to day lives, such as Naomi's relationship with Cook, Effy's relationship with her illness, and Katie and Emily's relationship with their mother, and how these things impacted on their partners.

This time twelve months ago, I was headed off to Belgium with my broken arm to join the circus. Tomorrow I am leaving home again for a while, not such an exotic destination this time, just the other side of the UK where I will be throwing one of my best mates off a building (repeatedly, safely and in the name of art, I hasten to add). I don't know when or if I'll be writing on here again. There are stories in my head, but this is one hell of a time consuming hobby, and one that can take over your creative brain leaving little room for anything else. So I might write a play, or make some music, or shoot a film or hold a photo exhibition or learn to dance the tango. Either way, I'll probably have a little break from here…

So, I bid you au revoir for now, writers keep on writing, readers keep on reading, and if you're thinking about having a go… then just do it. Some of the greatest stories on here have come from first timers who have started nervously and then gone on to great things. Since doing this I have made some great new friends, and encountered some very special people. Next time it could be you…

Bye then. I'm off for parties and adventures on HyperFitchedWorld….


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